More Than Him

by Jay McLean

  I tried to speak, but the lump in my throat prevented it. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. She was beyond fucking wrong.

  "And now you're here." She lifted her head. Her eyes met mine. "Now you're here, and Ethan blames you." I knelt down so we were face to face. She placed her hand on my cheek. I did everything I could to stop from wincing in pain. "I'm sorry," she said. "I should've told you it was my fault, but I was so—"

  "Stop." I kissed her once, ignoring the sharp ache. "You can't ever think like that. Ever. Promise me?"

  She shook her head, her sobs taking over.

  "The neighbors are watching. Let's get inside," Tristan spoke up.

  Amanda's head turned as she looked around at us. Then her eyes met mine. "I'm coming with you," she whispered.

  I shook my head. "You can't. You need to stay here. No more running. No more hiding." I kissed her forehead. "We'll get through it together, okay? Swear it."

  "But I want to stay with you." She ran her thumb under my eye. It'd started to swell.

  Tristan picked her up off the ground. "No-one's going anywhere." He held his hand out to me. "You can't drive, your eyes about to swell shut." He helped me up, and the same time looked around us. "Y'all can get back inside, everything's fine. There's nothing to see here." He chuckled to himself. "I've always wanted to say that."

  28

  Logan

  I sucked in a breath with a hiss.

  "I'm sorry," she grimaced.

  "It's fine." I ran my hands up her thighs. She sat on the counter in her bathroom. I stood between her legs while she tried to clean my face and the mess that Ethan had created. "You're not freaking out over the blood. It doesn't bother you anymore?"

  She shook her head, and quietly repeated, "I'm sorry. He had no right to do this to you."

  "Yeah, he did." Truth. "We fucked up, Amanda. We shouldn't have been sneaking around behind his back. We wanted to live in our own world—our own little bubble—it had to burst at some point. This was the bursting point."

  She sighed. "He didn't have to hit you."

  "I would've done the same." I moved her hand away from my face and kissed her wrists. "I mean, I knew that he'd be pissed, but not like that. But you—you knew, didn't you?"

  She swallowed, and nodded slowly.

  "What the fuck did you expect would happen, Lexi?" Loud shouting from the hallway caught our attention. Ethan's voice echoed through the house.

  Amanda's eyes went huge. "Oh no . . ." she muttered.

  Moving me to the side, she hopped off the counter and tiptoed to her closed bedroom door, putting an ear to it, as if we actually had to strain to hear them.

  "Fuck you, Ethan. You think acting like a dick is going to make me want to move in with you? No fucking way." Her footsteps got louder as she got closer.

  "Baby, come on." Ethan was right in front of the door now. "You already said you would, you can't just take it back."

  "Bullshit," Alexis snapped. "Watch me. And you can watch me walk out of your fucking life, too."

  "What?" he yelled, the desperation clear in his voice.

  I moved Amanda out of the way and opened the door. They were right there, with his hand gripping her elbow stopping her from leaving.

  I cleared my throat. They both turned to me.

  "Look what you've done to his face, you asshole." She pointed to me but she was talking to him.

  "It's fine," I cut in. "It looks worse than it feels."

  Lie.

  I tried to smile. "How are you, Alexis?"

  Her eyes narrowed in confusion. "Um, I'm okay?"

  "Cool." I placed my hands in my pockets and leaned against the doorjamb, faking a calmness that didn't exist. "So you're leaving?"

  "Uhh . . ." She trailed off.

  I chanced a glance at Ethan; his eyebrows were bunched, waiting for me to speak.

  "Look, I don't want to get in the middle of your shit, but if you're leaving because of me, and what happened tonight, then don't. It's not worth what you guys have going. I'm the dick. I deserved it. Truthfully, I'd be kind of pissed if he didn't react the way he did. He's just looking out, protecting her, you know? It kind of makes him the good guy. The best kind of guy, actually." I felt Amanda's hand on my back. "I don't know." I shrugged. "I just think it'd be the wrong decision if you were to walk away. And trust me, I know all about wrong decisions."

  ***

  By the time we went to bed, Alexis had calmed down and decided to stay. We could still hear them talking from where we lay in bed. They weren't arguing or screaming at each other, so at least there was that.

  "That was nice of you—saying that shit about him." She reached over and held my hand.

  "I didn't do anything. Besides, how many more people need to be caught up in our mess?"

  She leaned up on her elbow and looked down at me. Raising an eyebrow, she spoke quietly. "You think we're a mess?"

  I glanced at her quickly before looking away. Squeezing my eyes tight, I tried to ignore the pounding ache in my head. "I think that we fucked up. Obviously we can't help the way we feel about each other, but this sneaking around, lying to people—this shouldn't have happened. We should've waited. And now it's out, and I'm gonna have to work five times as hard to get him to understand." My eyes began to drift shut, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to me. "I think I just need to—"

  "Go to sleep, babe." She kissed me softly. I barely felt it. "I love you so much, Logan."

  29

  Amanda

  I woke up the next morning in an empty bed. "Logan?"

  He made a grunting sound from the bathroom.

  My breath came out in a whoosh when I saw him. I didn't see him for a week after what had happened the night of his birthday, so I never had to deal with the aftermath of him physically. Now, it was staring me in the face. He stood with his arms stretched out, hands flat on the bathroom counter. His back was to me, but I could see his reflection in the mirror.

  "I'm fine," he said.

  "Don't lie." I stood next to him.

  He turned and curled his arms around my neck, kissing my head once. A sheen of sweat covered his body. "I'm good." His voice was low, shaky. "I didn't take my meds last night, so I'm just a little out of it."

  I went to hug him back, but barely got an arm around him before he winced in pain. I pulled back and looked at his ribs. Bruises that had just started to show last night were now completely formed. "How bad is it?"

  He swallowed as his eyes roamed my face. He hesitated before he answered, "Bruised ribs, that's all. Definitely not broken, though. So that's good."

  I didn't even know what expression was on my face, but it made him chuckle. "I just need to get some painkillers. I'll call Dad later."

  "No! What are you going to tell him? That my brother beat you? You can't tell him that. I'd be so embarrassed."

  "Quit it. He won't care."

  "I do!" My voice rose. "I care."

  "Okay," he tried to soothe me. "I'll work something out. It'll be fine."

  "Great." I rolled my eyes. "Now you're comforting me when I should be the one comforting you."

  "Quit being sulky."

  I pouted.

  Then he smirked. "Caveman Logan want some breakfast."

  I stared down at his junk.

  "Not that Caveman Logan." He shook his head, but his tone was amused. "Jeez, you're such a dirty girl."

  I tried my best to lighten the mood. "I could be a dirty girl."

  He eyed me up and down, inhaled deeply, and then winced.

  I grimaced.

  "Sorry, babe." He held his side. "I think I'm going to be out of commission for a while."

  I pouted. "Well then, last night was all for nothing. You're kind of useless to me now."

  Logan

  Tristan sucked in a breath with a hiss when he saw me sitting at the dining table. Alexis followed it up with a loud gasp. I didn't think it was that bad, but then again, they didn't see me the days after my
last beating. This was nothing.

  "You look like ass," Alexis said, flopping down on the seat next to me.

  "Did someone say ass?" Tristan chirped. "I like ass."

  The girls laughed. I spat out my cereal.

  Ethan walked into the room.

  Dead. Fucking. Silence.

  The sound of my spoon repeatedly hitting the bowl broke through the quiet. I watched my hand shake uncontrollably. "Fuck." I dropped the spoon and straightened my fingers. My breathing became erratic. I tried to calm it, but it just made the pain in my ribs worse. I cursed again and folded over myself.

  Amanda's voice was quiet. "You broke his ribs, E." She linked her fingers with mine.

  I heard Ethan curse.

  Looking up at him, I tried to keep my face straight. "They're not broken. Just bruised." It wasn't important, but I didn't want him thinking he'd done more damage than he had.

  Then Amanda moved. Her chair scraped against the floor as she stood up. "C'mon, baby," she said to me. "I'll drive you home, I need to pick up my car anyway, I gotta work tonight."

  "No you don't," Ethan spoke.

  All eyes went to him.

  "I called in. You got lady cramps. We're going mini golfing tonight." He kissed Alexis on the cheek, and took a seat next to her. "We all are."

  ***

  "What the hell is with mini golf?" I asked her.

  She stood next to me and helped me remove my shirt, then did the same with hers. "It's his way of apologizing without actually saying the words. You know, E. He's stubborn. And stupid."

  "Okay, but why mini golf?"

  She pulled down my shorts, and did the same with her sweats. "It's this thing him and Tyson and I used to do."

  "Tyson?" I raised an eyebrow.

  "Yeah, when he lived here." She turned to check the water temperature in the shower, and then removed her bra.

  I reached out and cupped her breast. She didn't even flinch. "Nothing happened between you and Tyson, right?"

  She shrugged and yanked down my boxers. Her eyes widened when my dick was exposed. Like she didn't expect to see it erect. She was standing in front of me topless, what else was going to happen?

  "We kissed once," she said nonchalantly.

  Her thumbs curled around her panties, ready to push them down, but I stopped her with my free hand on her shoulder. "You kissed?" I wanted to puke.

  "Yeah." She laughed out. I don't know why she was laughing. This shit wasn't funny. "It was so gross, I could've been kissing Ethan." She shuddered and dropped her panties to the floor.

  Then she just stood there with her arms at her sides and a boob in my hand. I let out a grunt, annoyed that we couldn't go any further.

  ***

  Logan: I'm going to need a script for some painkillers.

  Dad: Is everything okay?

  Logan: Yes, but I can't drive to see you. Can you come here?

  Dad: I'll be there in a few hours.

  Logan: I'm at Amanda's, my old house.

  Dad: Should I ask what happened?

  Logan: Everything's fine. I'm safe.

  ***

  Sometimes, you live life searching for moments to remember. Then there are moments you'd rather forget. His face when he saw me was one of them. I thought I'd gotten used to it. When I was a kid and he tried everything to get me to speak, that face was a constant. For years afterwards, it never showed. Not until the night of my twenty-first birthday. And now. Now he was looking at me with that same pained expression.

  "I'm fine."

  He stepped into the house without responding.

  I watched as he scanned the halls, probably trying to forget the memories that came with it. And then his eyes lit up and a smile overcame him. "Pretty girl," he greeted.

  She moved slowly towards him, as if unsure. "Alan," she responded, hugging him quickly.

  We sat at the table while he examined my injuries. He studied my face injuries but I pulled away. "I'm not worried about my—"

  "Logan." It was said with finality. "You have a bruised jaw, black eye and fat lip. I don't know what happened, but either way, I need to check you out. Your vision might be damaged, your jaw could be fractured, and knowing you, you'll take the pain before telling anyone how bad it is."

  I felt like a kid that'd just been schooled. "Okay."

  Amanda hugged my arm and used it to hide her face. Then so quietly, I almost didn't hear her, "I'm so sorry."

  Dad's eyes narrowed slightly. He looked from her to me, searching for a reason why she would say that. I subtly shook my head.

  "Quit it," I said quietly into her ear. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

  He spent the next few minutes going over my injuries and taking notes. I knew what he'd do. He'd go home and compare them to my previous injuries—the ones from when I was a kid—just to make sure he didn't miss anything. "Your ribs?" he asked knowingly.

  I nodded. "Not broken. Just bruised."

  He motioned for me to stand up and remove my shirt.

  I stood. Amanda helped with my shirt. He didn't say anything about that.

  "Breathe in," he ordered.

  I tried. He noticed immediately how much pain it caused.

  "Hm," he murmured, scribbling down more notes.

  I sat back down, grateful for the reprieve.

  The living room door that led to outside slid open. Ethan, Lexi and Tristan walked in. Dad smiled at them, but it wasn't genuine. I wondered if anyone else could tell. He greeted them by name quickly and went back to his notes, his mind too preoccupied to keep up with conversation.

  I wanted to ask him how he knew them, but Amanda answered my unasked question. "He met them in my hospital room after . . ." She trailed off.

  I had no idea.

  I searched his face, wondering why he’d never told me. "And your anxiety pills? You're still taking them? You'll need another script soon."

  My eyes darted to Ethan and the others. They sat on the sofa, pretending not to listen.

  "He didn't take them last night," Amanda chimed in.

  I glared at her.

  She shrugged. "That's two nights in two weeks he hasn't taken it. That's bad, right?" She pulled her phone out of her pocket. "Should I set a daily alarm to remind him?"

  That made Dad smile. Genuinely, this time. "Maybe you might have to do that, sweetheart."

  "Okay," she said quickly, frantically typing on her phone.

  I pulled it out of her hands. "You don't need to do that. I'm a big boy."

  She yanked it back from me and continued tapping. "And he shouldn't mix drinking with the painkillers, right?" she asked him.

  I rolled my eyes and sat back. I had no say in this conversation at all.

  He reached over and squeezed her hand once. "That's right."

  Ethan spoke up, "No drinking at all?"

  Dad faced him now. "No. Not once he starts on the painkillers, it's a bad combination. Can knock him out."

  "There goes mini golf," he mumbled.

  "Huh," Dad said, coming to a stand. He handed me the scripts and started packing his shit.

  "Thanks for coming all the way out here," I told him.

  He shrugged. "You're my son, Logan. It's what I do."

  Then he turned to the others. "Ethan?"

  Shit.

  I waited for him to say something. Reprimand him in some way. Talk to him like I was a kid and Ethan was the bully. Instead, he took the few steps towards him and looked down at him on the sofa. "You need me to look at your hand, son?"

  Ethan's eyes went wide. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words caught. He cleared his throat and shook his head. "Um. No, Sir. It's fine. Thank you."

  Dad nodded once. "If you're sure."

  "I'm sure," Ethan confirmed.

  Then Dad turned to me. "If you can deal with the pain for a night, maybe you boys should have a drink together, talk some stuff out. Clear the air. Start the painkillers tomorrow."

  Two minutes later he was gone.
r />   "So, mini golf?" I said to everyone.

  Ethan got up. "If you can deal with the pain for one night, let's do it."

  "Dude, your dad's my hero," Tristan declared.

  Yeah. He was mine, too.

  30

  Logan

  "What's in it?"

  The others laughed while Ethan shrugged. "It's magic."

  I warily took the flask from his hand and sniffed.

  He rolled his eyes dramatically. "It won't kill you. You have to do it, those are the rules of mini golf."

  I looked at Amanda. She just smiled and nodded her head. "Have you had this before?"

  She shook her head and raised the car keys. "Designated driver, remember?"

  Ethan made a huffing sound. "Just drink it, asshole," he teased. "What? Did you turn into a pussy the year you were gone?"

  I took a swig. It tasted like gasoline. My face contorted.

  Ethan laughed.

  And that's how it went.

  Apparently, the rules of mini golf were this: For every putt, you drink. That's it. After the third hole, I could barely feel the soreness in my body. "This shit's better than painkillers," I announced loudly.

  Amanda snorted with laughter.

  "Yeah, buddy!" Ethan yelled, then put his putter between his legs and started humping it.

  "Oh my God," Amanda muttered next to me. "You're so mature."

  He winked at her, right before Tristan mimicked his actions. So there they were, side by side, humping their putters. Amanda's laugh bubbled out of her. I loved hearing her laugh. I turned around and kissed her, probably longer, and deeper than what's publicly acceptable.

  "Get a room," some dick yelled.

  Then Lexi spoke up, "Fuck off, asshole. They've been apart for a year. Let them make out."

  "Dude, that's my sister." Ethan made a disgusted sound.

  "Could be worse," Tristan stated. "At least it's not Alexis again."