More Than Him

by Jay McLean

  Her eyes were bloodshot, half hooded. She struggled to hold her head up. I struggled to answer. "Um, I think maybe—"

  "I mean, I know we just fucked . . . a lot . . ."

  Amanda tried to wriggle her hand out of my hold, but I tightened my grip. I felt her body move away, but I couldn't take my eyes of Heidi.

  "And when I told you that I wanted to date another guy—Dylan." She rolled her eyes. "I thought you'd at least try to stop me, you know. I thought we had something good. Not just the sex."

  Amanda tried again to remove her hand. I held onto it tighter still.

  We all sat in silence, but Heidi kept going. "We could have worked. You and I could've been the hot power couple through high school, maybe even college. Then I wouldn't be some college junior whose boyfriend dumped her for the marines." She laughed once. "Remember how we'd lay naked in bed all day and teach each other everything. Those were good times, Logan. We should do it again sometime."

  My eyebrows pinched. What the hell had happened to her while I was gone? It had to be more than just Dylan leaving.

  Jake cut in. I'm glad he did, because I couldn't have formed words if I’d tried. "I think you've had enough to drink, Heids. Maybe it's time to call it a night."

  I turned to face him.

  "Yeah. You're right," Heidi agreed. "I've texted my friend. She's on her way."

  I was too busy looking at Micky, who was frowning.

  I followed her gaze.

  Amanda.

  Shit.

  Amanda

  I kept my head down, not wanting them to notice the stupid tears in my stupid eyes. Then I heard her speak, "Well, Logan, it was really nice seeing you again. I'm really glad you're home." I saw her feet stop in front of his from the corner of my eye. I still refused to look up. But then he released my hand that I'd been trying to withdraw, and the movements made me glance up at them.

  And I wish that I hadn't.

  Her arms were out, an invitation for a hug.

  He stood up.

  She placed her hands around his shoulders.

  He wrapped his around her waist.

  Then her fingers curled into his hair, bringing his face closer to hers.

  And then their mouths connected.

  She moaned.

  Thump. Thump.

  And then nothing.

  My eyes shut tight.

  My stomach hit the floor.

  My head dropped.

  His voice broke through. "I'll walk you out," he said.

  And then he was gone.

  Seconds passed. It felt like hours.

  "Amanda?" Micky crooned.

  I lifted my eyes to her.

  "She's not in a good way. She's been struggling with a lot of stuff lately. It doesn't mean anything. He didn't kiss her back."

  I nodded once. It was all I could do.

  Then I cleared my throat. "It doesn't matter." It really didn't. Because I was here, and he was with her.

  32

  Logan

  I tried to take her hand when I got back, but she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down. I sighed, and moved so I could speak into her ear. "I didn't kiss her back, babe. I pulled away as soon as I knew what was happening."

  "It doesn't matter," she said quietly, but refused to look at me. It did matter. Obviously, it mattered.

  "Amanda," I tried again.

  She chewed her lip, her exhale of breath causing it to quiver. I leaned in close and softly kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

  She raised her hand and wiped at her eyes. "It's fine. We'll talk about it later, not here." Her voice broke.

  So did my heart.

  I pulled back, not knowing what else to do. I placed my hand on her leg, and watched as it began to tremble. She glanced at it quickly, before staring off into the distance.

  She didn't cover it.

  She didn't comfort me.

  She didn't speak for the rest of our time there.

  We said goodbye earlier than expected. It was awkward, not just for us, but for everyone.

  I kept my hand on her leg on the drive home. It hadn't stopped trembling. She kept quiet, eyes fixed on the road in front of her.

  I spoke first. "You obviously didn't see it, but I pushed her away as soon as—"

  "I don't care about that," she cut in. She sounded sad, and tired. Maybe she was tired of me fucking up.

  "Then what's wrong? Will you please talk to me?"

  "If you don't know—"

  "No. I'm sorry, but don't pull that, if you don't know then I shouldn't have to tell you shit. Obviously I don't know. You need to tell me."

  She sighed, glancing at me quickly. "I don't know, Logan. It's not just about her kissing you. It's that you just let her sit there and talk about you guys like that. You didn't interrupt her; you didn't ask her to stop. Do you know how that made me feel? She was disrespecting me, and you didn't even care."

  Shit.

  "Why didn't you say anything?" she asked.

  I got defensive. I don't know why. Maybe because I knew she was right, and I felt like an asshole. "Why didn't you say anything?"

  She got louder. "Because she's your friend, Logan. Not mine."

  "It's just stupid that we're arguing about this right now."

  "You think my feelings are stupid?" she cried.

  "That's not what I said."

  "How the hell would you like it if Tyson sat in front of you and all of my friends and started talking about us, and how we used to fuck." She spat out the last word, wanting to hurt me.

  It did.

  I stayed silent.

  "You think it would be okay if he told you about how he took my virginity? And that I had no idea what I was doing so he taught me everything, just the way he liked it? Maybe the things you like, that I do to you, are things he showed me." I felt the bile rise in my throat. I wanted to tell her to stop, but she kept talking. "You'd want to sit there and listen to how he used to sneak into my room at night so we could have sex? Or the times out in his car, when we had nowhere else to go? Or how about the first time we made each other co—"

  "Stop!" It came out more forcefully than I’d intended, but I felt sick. Legit, sick to my stomach. I wanted to puke. "I get it, okay? Enough."

  "You get it?" She laughed once. That bitter fucking laugh I hated so much. But it was different this time—quieter—as if she were still lost in her own thoughts. "That's not the point, Logan. The point is that I would never let him talk about that stuff. Not in front of our friends, and definitely not in front of you. And you know why?" It wasn't a question. "Because I respect you, and I respect us. And you—you didn't. You just let it happen. And then you left me sitting there, feeling disrespected and pathetic, while you walked her out of the house to make sure she was okay." She took a few calming breaths. "I hope she was okay, because I wasn't."

  Finally, I found my voice. "What did you want me to do? I wanted to make sure she got in the car safe."

  She shook her head. "She had four other friends there. If they didn't know to look out for her, you should have asked one of them to. You should've known how that would make me feel."

  The worst part is—is that she wasn't angry. She just stared straight ahead, letting the tears fall silently. She didn't raise her voice. Maybe if she was angry, it wouldn't hurt so much. She was sad, upset, disappointed.

  I'd fucking disappointed her.

  I caught her eyes lower to my hand on her leg. It wasn't trembling anymore; now it was all-out uncontrollably shaking. My heart beat so hard against my chest, it made my ribs ache. I waited for her to cover it, or to hold it, maybe lift it and kiss my palm like she used to. But she didn't. Instead, I removed it from her leg, shook it out twice, and sat on it, hoping it might help.

  "I'm sorry," I said quietly, staring straight ahead. I vowed to spend the rest of the night telling her, and showing her, how sorry I really was.

  She parked next to her car when we got to the apartment's parki
ng garage. I stepped out of my truck, but she didn't. Walking to her side, I opened the door, and held out my hand to help her. She didn't take it, just jumped down on her own. She leaned against the car, rifling through her bag. "I think I'm just going to go home," she said quietly, refusing to look at me.

  "What?" My chest ached, not from the thumping of my heart, but from the breaking of it. "Please, don't do this." I was begging. I didn't care. "I mean, I know I fucked up. And I'm sorry. It just seems so insignificant, so petty—" She finally looked up at me with her eyes wide, filled with tears. Shit. "That's not—" I sighed, trying to calm myself. "That's not what I meant. I just mean in comparison to everything we've been through—"

  "Maybe," she interrupted. "But it doesn't stop it from hurting. Pain is pain regardless. And I need to feel that pain, deal with it, and I can't do that with you around. I just can't."

  I sucked in a shaky breath.

  She pulled out her keys and unlocked her car. I opened her door and watched as she took a seat and started it. She tried to smile up at me, but she couldn't.

  Then she was gone.

  I watched her taillights fade away while I hoped, prayed, begged for her to turn around and come back.

  But she never did.

  My hand shook against my leg. Lifting it, I inspected it closer. And then I snapped. "Fuck you," I growled. I turned around and smashed it against the side of my truck. It made the shaking worse.

  ***

  Jake called an hour later. I was wide awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I hit answer but didn't speak. He sighed. "Should I come over?"

  "No," I answered quickly. I didn't want to see anyone.

  Lie.

  There was one person, but she didn't want to see me.

  "Tonight was messy," he uttered.

  "Understatement."

  "Is she there?"

  "No."

  "Shit. Is she pissed?"

  "Truthfully, I don't think she's pissed. She's upset. She said she was disappointed, thought that I let Heidi disrespect her."

  He laughed. "That's pretty much the exact words Kayla used."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yup."

  "Must be a girl thing."

  He laughed again. "No, dude, it's kind of what happened."

  "Fuck." I knew he was right, but hearing him confirm it was like a kick in the gut.

  "Yeah."

  "I just wanted to make sure Heidi was okay, you know?"

  "Yeah," he agreed. "I totally get it. But Heidi—she's kind of been a mess since Dylan left. The girls have tried talking to her, but she won't talk to anyone. Honestly, if I had to watch Kayla's ex try to kiss Kayla, I'd more than likely beat the shit out of him. We all saw when Amanda slapped that girl for Lucy. I'm surprised she didn't do the same to Heidi."

  "Valid."

  He let out another sigh. "What are you going to do?"

  "I don't know."

  Truth.

  ***

  I know what I didn't do, and that was sleep. Not a wink, the entire night. I lay in bed with the curtains open and watched the darkness turn to dawn. I wanted to call her. I wanted to beg her to come back. But she wanted to get through this, and she wanted to do it alone.

  I looked at the time on my phone; it'd been in my hand the entire night, waiting for her to call.

  5:15.

  "Dammit." I pushed the covers off stood up. At the exact same time, there was a light knocking on the door. I opened my nightstand drawer to retrieve the gun. I stared at it for a second before the knocking sounded again. It was soft, almost as if they knew how I'd react if it were any louder. I left the gun and shrugged on a shirt as I made my way to the door.

  I looked through the peephole.

  She stood, with her hair a mess piled on top her head, and a nervous look on her face. She appeared as bad as I felt.

  Unlocking the four deadbolts seemed to take forever. Maybe it was because I was so anxious to get to her that both my hands were shaking.

  When I finally got the door open, her eyes snapped up and roamed my face. Surely she'd be able to see what a mess I was. She didn't speak as she stepped inside and walked into the bedroom. I locked all the locks on the door, checking them over three times before following her in there.

  She stood in the middle of the room with her hands at her sides and tears in her eyes. I took the few steps until I was right in front of her. I wanted to speak, but I mentally couldn't. She looked up at me with a pained expression on her face. A tear fell.

  I hated myself.

  I hated that I was the one to cause her tears. I tried to wipe it away, but my hand shook against her cheek. She held it against her face and inhaled deeply, and then blew out slowly. And then she kissed my palm. Once. Twice. By the third time, it had steadied. Then she dropped it.

  Slowly, she slipped out of her dress, and lifted my shirt over my head and onto her. I watched her every move in dead silence, wanting to remember it. Savor it.

  She climbed into her side of the bed, but faced the wall. I climbed in, lifted the sheets to our shoulders and snuck in close behind her. I didn't know if she wanted to be touched, or talked to, so I tentatively placed my hand on her waist. She flinched slightly, but didn't remove it. I moved in even closer, my chest plastered to her back. I wrapped my arms around her stomach and brought her in as close as possible.

  Then she spoke. "Your heart's going a million miles. Did you take your Xanax?"

  I sighed, relieved she was speaking. "I forgot," I told her truthfully.

  "You can't do that, Logan. I felt your hand on my leg last night. You can't stop taking it."

  I swallowed loudly. This wasn't the conversation I wanted to have. "Will you please turn around? I hate talking to you like this. Please?"

  She shifted in the bed until we were face to face. Placing her palm against my chest, she looked up at me. "Did you sleep at all?"

  I shook my head. "No. You?"

  She leaned closer and placed her lips over my heart. "No."

  "Amanda," I choked out. Clearing my throat, I moved her hair away from her eyes and lifted her chin to face me. "I'm so sorry. For all of it. For not thinking about you, and the way you'd react to what happened. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you did. The last thing I ever, ever want to do is make you feel—"

  "Sshh," she cut in. "I'm sorry, too. I think I overreacted—"

  "No you didn't. Not at all. You had every right to be upset with me. You were right, and I just didn't think. That's all. I didn't think. I'm stupid—"

  "Stop. Don't call yourself that." She paused, waiting for her words to come together. "Maybe it's just another burst in our bubble, you know? Maybe something like this just needed to happen. But I don't like it, Logan. I hate being upset, and I hate that we hurt each other. I don't want us to do that. We can't be destructive, and you're right, after everything we've been through, it is petty. I let it form into something bigger than it should've been—"

  "No you didn't. It is a big deal. I should have spoken up for you. I won't ever see her again."

  "Quit it." She kissed me once, slowly, letting her lips linger on mine. "That's not what I want."

  "What do you want then?" I kissed her back, just as softly. I let my tongue slide along her lips, asking for entrance. She opened her mouth slightly, darting her tongue out to brush against mine.

  "I just want you."

  "You already have me."

  "And I want sleep." She struggled to keep her eyes open. "And I want to wake up and be in your arms, and forget this shitty night ever existed."

  "That sounds perfect."

  33

  Logan

  "Amanda." I shook her shoulders. "Babe, wake up."

  She nudged my hands off of her. "No," she whined.

  "You gotta get up."

  She slowly turned over, her hair smeared all over the place. I chuckled as I moved it out of her face. She opened one eye slowly. Then a slow smile formed. "How are you this hot in the morning?"
She reached up and pulled my head down to her neck, tilting it for better access.

  I ran my tongue up her neck to her jaw. "I could ask you the same thing."

  "Mm," she moaned. "Morning sexy times." She curled her fingers into my hair and pushed my head down her body, lifting her shirt at the same time.

  "Holy shit." I covered her nipple with my mouth, feeling my dick get harder and harder. "Babe, we gotta be quick, and you gotta be quiet."

  "I can do that," she said, still half asleep. She pulled on my hair to shift my mouth to her other breast. "I'm already wet."

  "Shit." I started kissing her lower, licking down her stomach. She writhed beneath me, spreading her legs wider. I moved her panties to the side so I could feel her. I could already smell how turned on she was before I felt it. I looked up at her, chewing her lip, her eyes still closed. I questioned for a second if she was actually aware of what was happening. "Babe?"

  "Shut up, Logan. Just get inside me."

  She didn't have to tell me twice.

  "Oh my God . . ." She breathed out, her fingernails finally relaxing against my skin. "Why were you covering my mouth telling me to shut up?"

  Why did I?

  Waiting for the post-come buzz to fade, I kissed along her collarbone while one of her hands combed through my hair. And then it hit me. I pulled back suddenly, startling her. And then I laughed. I couldn't help it. "You gotta clean up and get in the shower. Heidi's here to see you."

  Amanda

  "Hey," she greeted me. She looked about as good as I had at five this morning, when I'd finally decided my pride didn't matter as much as my relationship with Logan did. Hence why I’d showed up here fifteen minutes later.