Not Until This Moment: Novella (Hope Springs Book 2)

by Valerie M. Bodden

  It had started to rain, a cold, miserable February rain, but she didn’t care that she was getting wet. She needed to know.

  “Jared.” She didn’t recognize the way his name came out of her mouth.

  He turned so, so slowly, and she could read it in the tension in his shoulders. He knew what she was going to ask. Knew what she wanted. And his answer wasn’t going to be what she wanted to hear. But she had to ask anyway.

  “Do you think we’ll ever get married?”

  His mouth opened, but no words came out. He just stood there, blinking at her. Finally, he closed the space between them. Grabbed her hands. Pulled her to him so that her head rested on his chest.

  “Peyton, I love you more than anything in this world.”

  The words should have melted her, should have reassured her, but they didn’t. She knew there was a “but” behind them.

  “But—”

  She tensed, but he didn’t let her go. “But I don’t plan to ever get married. That’s not something—” He swallowed. “That’s not something I can do.”

  “But—” She had to fight for breath. “But why not? If you love me?” She felt like her heart had morphed into an ice sculpture and he was chipping away at it with an ice pick.

  He gripped her shoulders, slid her back a little, and waited until she lifted her face toward his. “I do love you. No matter what else, you have to know that. But I— I just can’t.”

  “I don’t understand. Why can’t you?” She was so desperate to understand. To help him see he was wrong, that he could marry. That they should marry.

  But he simply shook his head and turned around, dragging himself back to his car. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry?” She was stunned, speechless. She had been so sure he was the one.

  As a kid, her mom had told her so many times how she’d known Peyton’s dad was the one. He’d made her laugh. He’d made her feel safe and secure and treasured. He’d encouraged her in her faith. And Peyton had felt all those things with Jared. She’d prayed for him as if he were her future husband. So how could he not be the one?

  Jared’s shoulders slumped as he opened his car door.

  “Wait, Jared.” Peyton wanted to run to him, to tell him it was okay if he didn’t want to marry yet. That they could wait. That if he never decided to marry, she’d be okay with it.

  But she knew none of that was true. She wanted a husband, a family. A future.

  And if he couldn’t be the one to give her that, she had to let him go.

  “If you don’t—” She stopped to choke down the sob working its way up from her core. “If you don’t love me enough to commit to me before God and our friends and family, to want to make a life with me, then you don’t love me the way I need to be loved.” She gulped at the air to force the next words out. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

  Jared had dropped his head onto the top of his car then, wrapping his arms over it like he was sheltering from a blow. She’d longed to go to him. But she’d kept her feet planted, letting the tears drop down her cheeks faster than the rain. When he’d lifted his head, his face had glistened with moisture. But he’d nodded once, then he’d slid into his car and driven away.

  And the ice sculpture that had become her heart had fractured into a million pieces that could never be repaired.

  “Going to sit in here all day?”

  Peyton’s head jerked up at the voice, pulling her out of her memories.

  Jared stood at the side door of the van, lips twisted into the tiniest smile. The other seats in the vehicle were all empty, and voices drifted from outside as the others gathered their stuff.

  “Yeah.” She straightened her stiff legs and hunched over to climb past the empty seats. Jared held out a hand to help her, but she ignored it. If looking at him wasn’t safe, touching him would be catastrophic.

  Once out of the van, she dashed to the back to grab her threadbare old duffel bag, which was packed so full she’d barely been able to zip it.

  It was heavier than she remembered, and she sized up the long walk across the parking lot to the lodge entrance. Jared usually carried her bags for her—teasing her about how many books she packed—but this year she was on her own. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Jared watching her, and she could almost see his internal debate about whether to take her bag for her.

  Well, she’d make that decision for him. She hefted the bag in front of her and wrapped both arms around it.

  By the time they made it to the building, her shoulders and back screamed with the strain, but she kept a smile pasted on her face as Jared held the door for them all. The moment they reached the check-in desk, she dropped the bag to the floor with a relieved sigh.

  She stretched her arms over her head and gazed around the lobby as Ethan checked the group in. A fire roared in the huge stone fireplace that rose from a sunken area in the middle of the lobby all the way to the top of the building two stories above. A few people lounged on the built-in couches that surrounded it. That’s where she planned to hide out most of the trip. Away from the ski hills where Jared would spend his days.

  Sawyer popped out from his office in the back to greet them all. When he got to Peyton, he leaned in to give her a quick hug and whispered, “I’m glad you came. Jared is an idiot to have let you go.”

  “Thanks.” Peyton pulled away with a smile she hoped didn’t look as awkward as it felt.

  A second later, she was again staggering under the weight of her bag as they made their way across the lobby. They always skipped the lodge’s slow, clunky elevator in favor of the stairs. Somehow, she got wedged in between Jared and the wall as they began to climb. The subtle, spicy-sweet bergamot cologne she’d have recognized in her sleep washed over her. How could the scent alone be enough to conjure up the feel of his arms around her? She smooshed herself closer to the wall.

  Leah handed out keys as they walked. Leah, Emma, Sophie, and Peyton would share one room. Tyler, Spencer, Jared, and Dan would have another, and Ethan and Ariana would have their own. Peyton pushed down a stab of jealousy. Since the first time she’d come here with Jared, she’d looked forward to the day when they could share a room as husband and wife.

  “Oh, no.” Leah counted the remaining keys in her hand. “We’re one key short for the girls’ room.”

  “I’ll go grab one.” Peyton whirled around before anyone else could offer. She couldn’t handle walking next to Jared a second longer. Even if it meant climbing back down and then up the stairs with her ridiculously heavy bag.

  “At least let me take your bag for you.” Jared’s voice was low enough that she doubted any of the others heard.

  “I’ve got it.” She ignored the way the muscles in her shoulders knotted as she barreled down the steps and practically ran across the lobby to the check-in desk.

  Sawyer was talking to the young clerk there, but he broke off with a huge smile the moment she reached them.

  “Peyton. I’m glad you came back down.”

  “You are?” Peyton dropped her bag again. Her shoulders needed at least a few seconds of rest before she lugged it back up the steps.

  “I wanted to give you this.” Sawyer reached under the counter and extracted a book. “I know you were reading Dickens last time you were here. I’m sure you already have this one, but I saw it in a bookstore and thought of you, so . . .”

  Peyton took the worn copy of Oliver Twist he passed her. Her face heated. He’d thought of her? Why? They barely knew each other.

  She examined the book. Judging by its cover, it had to be old. She flipped to the copyright page. 1901. And it was in collectible condition. Which made it well beyond anything she could accept.

  “Thank you.” She held the book out to him. “But I can’t take this. It’s too much.”

  “For you, nothing’s too much.” Something warm lingered in Sawyer’s look, and she felt her flush deepen.

  “Okay, um.” She glanced at the book again
. “Thank you.”

  At his smile, she let herself give in to a smile, too. She couldn’t deny that she loved the book.

  “So, I was thinking . . . I’m sure things are little awkward with you and Jared. Want to ditch the others and hit the slopes with me tomorrow?”

  “Oh.” Peyton’s heart did a weird, unexpected skip. “I was going to spend the day by the fire reading.” She held up the book as if for evidence.

  “I don’t know if anyone’s told you this before, but you’re at a ski lodge. You’re supposed to ski.” His blue eyes glinted, and she couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Yeah. If you remember, the first time I tried that I ended up with a broken wrist.”

  “That’s because you didn’t have the right teacher.” He winked at her. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

  He smiled big enough to show a dimple in one cheek. She’d never noticed the dimple before. Then again, she’d never really looked at him before. She’d had eyes only for Jared.

  But Jared was her past.

  Maybe Sawyer was her future. Or at least her present.

  “Okay.” She worked to insert more certainty into her voice. “Yes. Let’s do it.”

  Sawyer’s dimple deepened. “Great. Nine o’clock. I’ll pick you up at your room.”

  “Oh, that’s okay, I’ll meet you down here.” A pinch of guilt pricked her stomach at the thought of Jared seeing her with Sawyer. But she pushed it aside. She had no reason to feel guilty.

  She was about to grab her bag when she remembered what she’d come down here for in the first place. “Almost forgot. I need one more key for the girls’ room.”

  “You got it.” Sawyer’s grin made her stomach somersault this time. It felt strange to have that reaction to a man who wasn’t Jared. But also nice. Maybe this ski trip was what she needed to get over him after all.

  Sawyer passed her the key with one last stomach-flipping smile, and she bent to pick up her bag.

  As she yanked up on the strap, there was a loud ripping sound. The bag was suddenly too light as everything she’d packed spilled from the torn bottom to the floor.

  She groaned. She’d known the bag wouldn’t hold up much longer, but she hadn’t had time to buy a new one before the trip. That’s what she got for not planning ahead.

  Face flaming, she slid her underwear under a pair of jeans as she pushed everything into a pile and tried to get her arms around it.

  “I’ll get it for you.” Jared was striding across the lobby, wearing that same grim expression he’d worn every time they’d run into each other over the past year.

  But Sawyer was already at her side, passing her a large canvas bag. “Here, use this.”

  She took it gratefully and shoved her clothing in first, then her books and makeup on top.

  “Thanks.” She glanced around to make sure she hadn’t missed anything.

  When she looked up, Sawyer held a hand out to her. She let him pull her to her feet, then reached for the bag.

  But Sawyer got to it first, grabbing it with his left hand while his right still gripped hers. “I’ll carry this up for you.”

  “That won’t be necessary.” Jared’s voice cut in.

  Peyton slid her hand out of Sawyer’s. But she didn’t miss the dark glare Jared shot his old friend.

  “I’ll take it.” Jared reached to grab the bag from Sawyer, who seemed to size him up and then shrugged and held the bag out to him.

  Sawyer touched a hand to Peyton’s elbow. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, then. Nine o’clock.”

  He gave Jared a buddy slap on the back, then disappeared through the door behind the counter.

  Jared started across the lobby with her stuff, and Peyton double-stepped to keep up. “Didn’t you need something from the desk?”

  “No.” Jared’s answer was short, clipped.

  “Then why did you come down?” Peyton frowned. Even after they’d spent three years together, she sometimes didn’t understand him.

  “You’d been down here a long time. I wanted to make sure everything was okay.” Jared didn’t look at her as he said it.

  She stopped in the middle of the stairway, crossing her arms in front of her. “You don’t need to check up on me, Jared. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

  “Clearly.” Jared’s dry tone made her grit her teeth.

  He was not going to make her feel guilty for talking to another man. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing,” Jared muttered.

  “Fine.” She jogged up the rest of the stairs and strode down the hallway ahead of him.

  But halfway to her room, she stopped. “Actually, no. It’s not fine. You didn’t want to share your life with me. So you don’t get to make me feel guilty about talking to someone who maybe does.”

  “Sawyer?” Jared scoffed. “He’s only looking for a little fun for himself. He has no intention of sharing his life with you.”

  “Yeah?” Peyton felt the steam building. What right did he have to try to ruin her shot at happiness before it’d even started? “Is that why he gave me an early edition Dickens?”

  Jared blanched at that, and Peyton felt a cold satisfaction pool in her stomach. Followed by a wave of guilt. But she pushed it away. Jared was the one who had brought Sawyer up.

  He stopped in front of her. “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, Peyton.” His voice was quiet, almost tender, and she tried to steel herself against it. “Just be careful with Sawyer. He’s not—” He cut off and pulled a hand through his hair. “He’s not the kind of guy who’s looking for a long-term relationship, if you know what I mean.”

  “Well, you’d know all about that wouldn’t you?” Peyton jerked her bag out of Jared’s hand. Her anger must have given her super-human strength because she barely noticed the bag’s weight as she ran the rest of the way down the hall and shoved her key into the lock.

  She let the door slam behind her.

  Chapter 4

  Jared’s breath fogged in front of him as he stopped at the top of the ski hill, getting ready for another run. He’d been out here two hours already, and still his head wasn’t any clearer than it had been yesterday. Seeing Peyton and Sawyer together had hardened the regret that had been swirling in his gut for the past year so that it sat there now, diamond hard and just as sharp.

  “Hey. You been out here all morning?” Leah skied up next to him, cheerful as always.

  He squinted into the glitter of the snow behind her and shrugged. “Only since the sun came up.”

  He’d been awake long before that, trying to shove aside the knot of fear that always clustered in his throat when he woke during the night. It’d taken too long to remember where he was. To remember that there hadn’t been anything to be afraid of for a long time.

  “You up for another run?” Leah peered down the slope. “Thought I was up for this blue trail, but it looks more intimidating than I remembered. They’re sure it’s intermediate?”

  Jared offered a reassuring smile. “I’ll go with you. But you’ll be fine.” Leah had always been pretty solid on her skis. Unlike Peyton, who had to stick to the green beginner slopes.

  Jared started to pull his goggles down, but he caught a flash of white and pink jacket near the top of the chair lift. He turned his head to follow the chair as it crested the hill and the couple slid off, the man’s hand on the woman’s arm. On Peyton’s arm.

  It was the same way Jared had helped Peyton off the lift the first time they’d come here together. And she gave Sawyer the same smile she’d always given him.

  The knot in Jared’s gut pulled taut. Sawyer was not the kind of guy Peyton should be with.

  Peyton glanced his way once, before her eyes went right back to Sawyer, who was gesturing toward the hill and seemed to be demonstrating the stance she should use. A shot of something hot and sharp that went beyond simple jealousy surged through him. What was Sawyer doing bringing her on this hill? It was way beyond her skill level.
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br />   “Ready?” Leah’s voice tugged at him, but he couldn’t tear his gaze away from Peyton.

  “Maybe you should tell her to stick to the greens.” He gestured toward Peyton with his chin.

  “She’s a big girl, Jared. She can make her own decisions about which hill to take.”

  Except he was sure taking this run hadn’t been her decision. Sawyer had certainly goaded her into it.

  He didn’t know what angered him more: that Sawyer would put her at risk by taking her on a run she wasn’t ready for or that she was so eager to impress him that she’d agree to it.

  “Come on.” This time Leah’s command was insistent.

  He pulled his eyes away from Peyton and slammed his goggles down. “Let’s go.”

  The wind whipped at his cheeks as he let the swoosh of the snow under his skis take over his senses. For a minute, he let himself forget everything else and focus only on the spray of powdery snow around him, the next turn of his skis, the taste of the cold.

  But he reached the runout at the base of the hill too soon, and as he slowed, he automatically turned to squint up the hill, seeking out Peyton.

  There.

  Halfway down the run, an expression of sheer terror on her face as she flew down the hill—way too fast. Jared scanned the terrain in front of her, on alert for dangers. He recognized Sawyer half a dozen yards ahead of her, looking over his shoulder with a yell of encouragement. What was that maniac doing? Didn’t he know he had to watch out for Peyton? Sawyer practically lived on skis, but until four years ago, Peyton had never been on a ski hill in her life. That’s why Jared had taken her on the beginner hill and had hung close the whole time, ready to jump in to help at the slightest sign of trouble.

  Not that it’d done much good. He’d never forget her tears of pain when she fell and broke her wrist. She’d forgiven him instantly. Said there was nothing he could have done. But her pain had devastated him. He’d promised himself long ago that he’d never let another woman get hurt on his watch. And he’d failed the first woman he’d had the opportunity to keep safe.