Not Until This Moment: Novella (Hope Springs Book 2)

by Valerie M. Bodden

“Look, I know we don’t know each other that well. But if you ever want to talk—”

  “Here come the others.” Jared jabbed at the buttons to open the back doors, and Dan fell silent.

  Jared kept his focus on the steering wheel as the others climbed in so he wouldn’t accidentally catch a glimpse of the fear he knew would hover in Peyton’s eyes when she looked at him now.

  “Let’s eat. I’m starved.” Leah tapped the back of his seat. “To the diner, driver.”

  Ten minutes later, Jared pulled the van into the already full diner parking lot.

  He swallowed a groan. They’d be waiting here for at least an hour before they were seated.

  “Should we skip it?”

  But he already expected the variations of “no way” that sounded from the backseat.

  “Peyton?” His eyes sought hers in the rearview mirror. Her opinion was the only one he cared about right now. If she wanted to get out of here, he was going to take her home, no matter what the others wanted.

  She met his eyes in the mirror for a second. “I think we should stay.”

  He sighed and ran a hand over his head.

  Fine.

  They’d eat and then they’d be on the road.

  He pushed his door open and waited for the others to clamber out.

  Peyton hung back as the rest of the group surged toward the door.

  He gestured for her to go ahead of him, but she remained planted.

  “Can we talk?” Her brow was furrowed into grooves, and she refused to look him in the eyes.

  He’d known this was coming, but his heart shriveled anyway.

  “Yeah, okay.”

  “How about the park?” She pointed to the tracked-up snow at the park next door as if he didn’t know exactly where she meant.

  He took stock of her leggings and sweater. “Won’t you be cold?”

  She gave a little laugh. “You worry about me too much.”

  He supposed he did at that. But he didn’t know how not to. Especially after last night.

  “At least let me help you walk there.” He held out his arm, bracing for her refusal. But she wrapped her hand around his forearm, leaning her weight into him.

  He tried not to let himself feel anything at her touch, but it was impossible not to notice the electricity of her hand on his arm.

  “I should really check your ankle.” If it was broken, she shouldn’t be walking anywhere.

  “It’s a little better today.”

  He stole a glance at her. “Liar.”

  She puffed out a breath. “Forgot you could read me. But at least it isn’t worse than it was yesterday. That’s a good sign, right?”

  “I’ll feel better after I check it.”

  “Fine.” She tightened her grip on his arm as they moved into the snow-covered grass. “You can check it when we sit down.”

  He led her to the closest picnic table and waited as she lowered herself onto it, her leg stretched to the side on the bench.

  He sat carefully next to her foot, gently sliding the bottom of her legging up just enough to examine her ankle. It was still purple and bruised, but the swelling had gone down a bit. He set a hand lightly to the skin, careful not to apply too much pressure.

  Finally, he was satisfied. “I’m going to stick with mild sprain. But you really have to stay off it for the next few days.”

  She waved a hand in the air. “I’m not going to be doing any more skiing, if that’s what you mean. I was stupid to think I could handle that black diamond.”

  Jared shrugged, gazing toward the swings. “Sawyer should have known better.”

  The name sent a tension crackling through the air between them. They both fell silent.

  Jared chanced a sideways look at her. Her face was turned away from him, and her lips were tipped into a deep frown. Was that how she would always look when she saw him now?

  “Peyton, I—”

  “Jared, about—”

  They both stopped and laughed nervously, then fell silent again.

  “You go first,” he said after a minute.

  “I just wanted to say, what you saw last night—” She stared at her hands in her lap. “I wasn’t— I just don’t want you to think—”

  “I know.”

  She nodded and blinked quickly. “I should have listened to you. I shouldn’t have let him—”

  Jared shoved to his feet and moved to crouch in front of her. Her grabbed her hands. “Hey. This is not your fault. This is all on Sawyer.” Who deserved a lot worse than what he’d gotten.

  “Okay?” He waited for her to look at him and nod, then squeezed her hands and returned to his spot at the far end of the bench.

  She let out a long sigh, and he watched her. He needed to know she was going to be okay. She offered him a weak smile. But it wasn’t enough to hide her shiver.

  “See, you are cold. Let’s get back to the diner.” He stood to help her up, but she refused his hand.

  “Not until you go.”

  “Go where?”

  “You were about to say something before.”

  He wrapped a hand around the back of his neck. He didn’t want to say it anymore. Not when things finally felt a little easier between them. But he had to.

  He slipped off his jacket and held it out to her. She hesitated a moment, then took it and wrapped it around herself.

  The sharp breeze sliced through Jared’s dress shirt, but he didn’t care.

  “I just wanted to apologize for the way I reacted last night. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. I’m sorry if I scared you.” He focused on the spot where his toe was plowing a bare spot in the snow.

  “Jared.”

  He’d thought he knew every tone of her voice, but this one he didn’t recognize. It was enough to pull his eyes to hers. That pale blue drew him in. He took an involuntary step forward. She shifted so that her foot was on the ground, then grabbed his hand and tugged him to sit on the bench next to her.

  “You didn’t scare me. You saved me. I don’t know what would have happened if—”

  She broke off, and Jared’s fists clenched. The thought of Peyton being hurt was too much.

  “But the way I punched him. You weren’t even a little scared to know I was capable of that? You weren’t afraid I could do that to you?”

  Peyton tilted her head toward her shoulder, studying him. “Jared, you are the person who makes me feel safest in the world. I know you would never hurt me.”

  Something broke in Jared, and he doubled forward, dropping his head into his hands. How could she trust him? How could she be so sure he would never do that?

  But she didn’t know how he was raised. Didn’t know what his father had been capable of. What he’d passed on to Jared.

  A soft hand fell on his back. “Where is this coming from?” Her voice was gentle, concerned. Inviting. But he shook his head. He couldn’t tell her. Couldn’t let her know about the true monster he was destined to become someday.

  “Jared, please. Don’t shut me out.” Her whisper shot right through him, and he stood abruptly.

  She thought she wanted to know?

  Fine.

  Maybe this was the final severing their relationship needed.

  “You know how I don’t talk to my dad and I don’t see my mom? You want to know why that is?”

  Hurt crossed Peyton’s face. “You know I do. But you always refused to talk about it.”

  “That’s because I didn’t want to see the way you’d look at me. I didn’t want you to be afraid of me.”

  “Afraid of you? Jared, I just told you I could never―”

  He held up a hand. If he was going to tell her this, he had to do it now, before he took the coward’s way out again.

  “My dad beat my mom. Gave her bruises. Sometimes broke her bones. One time almost killed her.”

  Peyton’s eyes widened, and she covered her mouth with both hands. He turned away. He didn’t need to see her horror.

  “
I told my mom so many times to leave him. That we weren’t safe. And she finally did.” He sucked in a shaky breath. “Only she left me, too.”

  Peyton’s gasp echoed across the empty park and stuck in his heart.

  But he wasn’t done yet. He hadn’t told her the worst of it. “He hit me sometimes. Not as bad as he hit her. By then, I think he knew I was big enough to hit back.” He swallowed, blinking back the memories. “Anyway, I moved out the day I graduated high school. And you know what my dad said to me that day? He said—” He made his voice gruff and hoarse, in an impression of his father. “‘You think you’re too good to turn out like your old man, son. But you wait and see. This is your future. Same as it was mine. Same as it was my father’s. It’s in our blood.’”

  His breath came in short gasps at the memory. He’d been trying to forget it, trying to ignore it, trying to tell himself his dad was wrong his whole life. But deep down, he knew he was his father’s son.

  At least now Peyton knew. At least now he wouldn’t have to be afraid of her finding out. Of what she’d think of him once she knew.

  Even if it nearly killed him to realize how she must see him now.

  “Oh, Jared.” A pair of gentle arms wrapped around him from behind.

  Every muscle in his body lost the tension that had been keeping him upright. He sagged and spun toward her, letting his arms go around her and ducking his head until it rested on hers.

  A single sob tore lose from his middle, and her arms clutched him closer.

  He stood there, just breathing. Slowly, a feeling of safety and peace descended on him. How could someone so small make him feel so protected?

  After a few minutes, she pulled back, but she slid her hand into his and led him toward the bench. She pressed close to his side as they sat. After all he’d told her, what was she still doing here?

  “You never told me.” There was no accusation in her voice. More like . . . understanding.

  “At least now you know why I can’t marry. I have to break the cycle. I will not become my dad.”

  Peyton dropped her head to his shoulder, and he ached at the familiar move of trust.

  “Whether you marry or not, Jared, you are not your father.”

  “But he said—”

  “He was wrong. I know you. I know your heart. You would never hurt me or any other woman or child. You are a good man, Jared. You’ve made it your mission in life to help people who are hurt. Do you really think one day you’re just going to switch that off and start hurting people?”

  Jared shrugged.

  “You know.” Her voice was soft and sure at the same time. “I realized something in church this morning.”

  Jared tensed, but he found he wanted to know what she had to say, even if it was about church. “What’s that?”

  “I realized I thought I had my future all planned out and that God would just work things to match my plans.” Her smile was tinged with sadness. “But much as we might want to plan our future, that’s not what God calls us to do. And I think, you’ve been so sure all these years that your future was what your dad said it would be. But it’s not, Jared. That is not God’s plan for you.”

  He wanted to believe it. “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because—” She locked her fingers with his. “You have another father, too, Jared, and he has made you into the most incredible man I know. He used all those awful, awful things that happened to you because of your father to shape you into a man who serves others without ever thinking about his own safety.”

  He blinked at her, all his air caught in his throat.

  Was that really how she saw him?

  But he could tell by the way she looked at him.

  It was.

  Chapter 13

  “Check.” Peyton gave a triumphant smile as she sat back in her seat.

  “No way.” Jared leaned forward to peer at the chess board, and Peyton couldn’t stop herself from studying his face. The swelling in his eye had gone down, although the bruise was a sickly greenish blue. But that’s not what drew her attention. Instead it was the relaxed set of his jaw, the new light in his eyes. He seemed to have become a different man since they’d talked in the park yesterday. A man more at peace with himself and the world around him. A man more willing to trust and open up.

  It’d taken a lot of talking to convince him and the others that they should stay to finish out the trip. They’d only finally agreed to it when she promised she’d make sure she was with at least one of them at all times. So far today, Leah had popped in three times and Dan twice to offer to take a turn sitting around the fireplace with her so Jared could ski. But he refused to leave her side.

  She couldn’t deny the warmth that filled her with. Even if he was only doing it to keep Sawyer away. Fortunately, it seemed to be working. She hadn’t seen Sawyer once all morning.

  She and Jared had already played four games of chess, two games of Scrabble, and a single round of Pictionary that had them laughing so hard at her terrible drawings that they were gasping for breath. She couldn’t deny that the morning had been nice. Comfortable.

  Enough to make her want more.

  But she pushed the thought aside. She was done trying to force things to happen. For now, it was enough to be talking to each other and having fun together again. She’d missed their friendship more than anything.

  “Actually.” Jared gave her a stunned smile. “That’s checkmate. You beat me.”

  “I did?” Without thinking, she leaned over and hugged him. He’d taught her to play chess when they started dating, but she’d never beat him at it before.

  “Wait a minute.” She pulled back, trying to ignore the spicy sweet scent that lingered on her from the contact. “You let me win, didn’t you?”

  He raised his hands in front of him. “Nope. I promise. I know how much you hate that.”

  She grinned again. He’d tried to let her win a game of tennis once but had learned pretty quickly that wasn’t going to score him any points with her.

  Jared stretched his arms over his head, and she looked away so her eyes wouldn’t be drawn to the way his t-shirt tightened against his biceps.

  “You hungry?” Jared leaned forward to put the chess set away.

  “Starved.” On cue, her stomach rumbled, and Jared nudged her with a laugh. He’d always teased that he could set his clock by her stomach.

  He stood and held out a hand to help her up. As soon as she was on her feet, he wrapped an arm around her back to help her hobble toward the dining room. The familiar feel of his arm around her was almost enough to make her forget that a whole year had gone by since he’d last held her close.

  He steered her into the dining room, where a huge buffet had been set out. Peyton’s mouth watered as the smell of lasagna wafted to her.

  Jared led her to a table and pulled up an extra chair for her to prop her foot on. “I’ll be right back with some food.”

  Her eyes followed him across the room. She wondered, did anyone else watching him see the demons that haunted him? Until yesterday, she’d had no idea. What he’d told her had broken her heart—both for the young boy who’d had to endure such treatment and for the man who carried around the weight of thinking he’d turn out like his father.

  How could he believe that?

  And how could he have let that keep them from having a life together?

  But now that he’d told her, maybe he would rethink things.

  She tried to tamp down the hope rising in her chest.

  She’d promised she would wait on God’s plans. And she had to accept that those plans most likely did not include Jared. They might not include anyone.

  Then again, the way Jared was looking at her as he crossed the room carrying two plates stacked with food, maybe she wasn’t so crazy to hope he was part of God’s plan for her after all.

  “They had those breadsticks you love.” He passed her a plate as he sat, offering a smile that made her pulse do funny things. “I go
t you a few.”

  She glanced at the plate, and a laugh burst out of her. “I’ll say.” Breadsticks took up at least half of the space. Not that she was complaining.

  She folded her hands and bowed her head to give silent thanks for the food.

  Heavenly father, thank you—

  “Do you mind if I pray with you?” Jared’s voice was low, hesitant, but that didn’t stop the enormous smile she felt stretching her lips. How had God answered that prayer before she’d even asked?

  She reached across the table and gripped Jared’s hands in hers. As they both bowed their heads, Jared began to pray. “Lord, we want to thank you for this meal you have provided. And that they had Peyton’s favorite breadsticks.”

  She couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up. Who was this lighthearted man she was praying with?

  “And thank you,” Jared continued, “for keeping Peyton safe and for making her the strong, resilient, trusting woman she is. Please help her to seek after your plan for her life.”

  Peyton’s smile melted, and she had to blink away the moisture that suddenly clung to her lashes. She’d always been touched when people prayed for her. But to hear Jared praying for her? That arrowed right into her heart. In the best way.

  “And—” Jared cleared his throat. “Thank you for using her and others to remind me that you are my perfect father.”

  “Amen,” Peyton choked out. She had to keep her head bowed for a second after the prayer ended to get her heart under control.

  “Thank you,” she whispered as Jared slid his hands gently from hers.

  His smile was soft and easy as he scooped a forkful of lasagna.

  She started with a breadstick, savoring the garlic butter that coated the airy dough.

  “How are things at the bakery?” Jared snatched one of her breadsticks, and she pretended to swat at him. He grinned and took a bite.

  “It’s going well. I’m getting to be pretty booked solid with weddings.” The familiar pang shot through her at the mention of weddings, but it wasn’t as sharp as usual. “I have one this weekend, actually. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, the cake is going to have a trail of fondant hearts all the way up the layers.”

  She broke off. Valentine’s Day was the last thing they should be talking about together.