Goddess of Loss

by Jennifer Ellision

Avery kept having to speed up and ride around us, but it was clear Jay hadn’t told him where we were going, so he ended up doing this kind of shuffling dance where he was in front of us, then behind, then in front again. I almost felt sorry for him, but then I remembered that this was an outing for him too. It must have made a nice change from him standing outside my chambers all day.

  Eventually, Jay pulled into a yard through some open wooden gates. A large sign hung over the gates that read Horse and Stable Supplies.

  So Jay hadn’t been putting me on after all. We really were here to buy things for the staviary. I knew that the castle staviary was the only one of its kind in the kingdom… in all the kingdoms, probably. There wasn’t a dedicated shop for unicorns, but apart from their ability to fly and their amazing healing ability, they were much the same as horses.

  A small man with a round stomach and ruddy cheeks walked out of a huge warehouse-style building when he heard the clip-clop of our horses’ feet enter the yard.

  When he saw me, he immediately dropped into a low bow, and when he stood back up, his already ruddy cheeks appeared even redder.

  “Good morning, Your Highness,” he said, running over to me. He looked a little unsure of himself, whether to hold out his hand to help me down or leave me to jump down myself. In the end, Jay saved him by jumping down from his own horse and extending a hand to me.

  “Jay.” The man nodded his head in recognition.

  “Loftus, this is Eliana. Eliana, Mr. Loftus.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Loftus,” I said, extending my own hand. This time, he took it and did another bow while holding my hand.

  “The… err… thing is ready,” Loftus said to Jay, all the while darting curious eyes to me. I didn’t meet the public very often, but when I did, there were two types. The first, who couldn’t get enough and brought flowers and felt honored just to be breathing the same air as a princess, and the second, who were like Loftus. People who were unsure of protocol and scared to do the wrong thing. I was sure there were people who didn’t give a unicorn poop about meeting royalty, but I was yet to come into contact with one of those.

  “The things I ordered for the staviary, you mean?”

  Loftus looked startled at this, and his cheeks colored further. “Yes… that’s exactly it. Come with me and I’ll show you.”

  We followed him into the warehouse. I’d expected a huge, open-plan building, but we’d ended up in a small office. It was neat enough, with nothing out of place, but it had an overwhelming smell of horse about it. It reminded me of Jay. Another door led to what I assumed to be the rest of the warehouse. Apart from the small desk with a couple of well-used pencils and a clipboard, and a filing cabinet, the only decoration was a hand-drawn picture of a horse.

  Loftus picked up a clipboard and shouted out a couple of names. Within seconds, two young lads, aged about fifteen, came into the office from the second door.

  “Tom, Jacob, I need you to get the order for Jay and pile it all up in the wagon to be delivered.”

  If it was being delivered to the palace, and we’d ordered it, why were we here? I didn’t have time to ask because already Loftus was shouting out items, and the two boys were scurrying from the warehouse, through the office, and into the yard where I watched them pile up the wagon through a small window. The wagon was already full of hay, and another sat beside it, equally full. The boys had to climb up to put the items on top.

  “Three new saddles,” he bellowed, and Tom came rushing back. I watched with fascination as they piled the equipment higher and higher.

  “Five new sets of bridles… a broom… a new bucket...” The list went on and on. After the first two wagons were full, Jacob drove another around from a different part of the yard. I stepped outside, eager to feel the sunshine on my face and get away from the overwhelming smell of horse.

  “We aren’t here to buy stuff for the staviary,” Jay murmured, coming up behind me. “Well, not only that. There’s something else too.”

  I turned to face him as he slipped his hand in mine. A thrill of electricity ran up my arm at his touch.

  “What are we here for, then?” I whispered, scared at the sudden intensity of my feelings. Feelings I’d been pushing down for way too long.

  He didn’t speak. Instead, he led me back into the office. Loftus tipped his cap as we continued through the second door. This time, we were in the large warehouse. Tom ran past with an arm full of straps as we entered. At the far end of the warehouse was a huge pile of straw, bundled up and piled right to the roof. In the half where we stood, everything an equine enthusiast could ever want was stacked neatly on shelves or on the floor. Jay walked right past all this toward the straw. Light from an open skylight gave it the appearance of spun gold. It reminded me of my mother and how she’d been told to do just that—spin straw into gold. And she had with the help of Rumpelstiltskin. I pushed the thought away.

  “What are we doing?” I asked as we got to the stack of straw bales.

  He gave me the most beautiful smile, then pulled me around the corner of them. Where I’d thought there was nothing but hay, the bales I’d seen were actually a wall. Bales lined the end wall of the warehouse and the back wall too, but in the middle of the three straw bale walls was a floor of messy straw with another two bales with a tablecloth on it. On top of the cloth were a picnic meal and a bottle of wine.

  “What’s this?”

  “I asked your mother if I could officially take you out on a date. She was more than happy for you to dine at one of the fine restaurants in town as long as Avery and Williamson joined us, but I don’t know any fine restaurants in town,” he admitted. He leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “And I didn’t want Avery and Williamson to join us. This was the only compromise I could think of. Just pretend we’re somewhere fancy.”

  I laughed. “I don’t know any fine restaurants either,” I said, sitting on a bale of straw that had been brought out as a seat. “I’ve never been to one. For all I know, this is the most exclusive restaurant in the whole of Shipley.”

  “Oh, but it is!” he said, pouring me a glass of champagne. “We are the only two customers there will ever be. I rode down here late last night and organized it with Loftus. He was happy to set it up for me. He even said he’d do it for free, but I wouldn’t hear of such a thing. His only stipulation was that we don’t have candlelight.”

  I looked at all the straw around us. “I can see why.”

  He handed me the champagne. I took a sip, enjoying the bubbles and the sweet taste. Jay bit his lip, waiting for me to do something… say something.

  “This is a date, Lia. Not as friends. I wanted to bring you out on a real date before we go to the ball together tomorrow. I wanted you to be sure this is what you want.”

  “You brought me here as a practice date?” I said, suddenly full of nerves. It was one thing eating a picnic with a friend, even a romantic one with wine. It was another thing entirely to call it a date.

  “I guess you could call it that.” He seemed suddenly unsure of himself, as though he didn’t quite know what to say or do. I understood how he felt, completely. I felt the same. This was the line, and it was up to me to decide if I officially wanted to cross it. “I wanted to make sure you were okay with that before we do it so publicly. The newspapers have been invited to the ball, and everyone will be gossiping and...”

  I put the glass back down on the straw bale and knelt down until I was level with him. I leaned forward and brushed his ear with my lips. “I accept.”

  He shuddered lightly and whispered back. “Accept what?”

  I pulled back slightly so we were looking at each other eye to eye. My heart was hammering so hard I could barely speak. “I accept your invitation to this date.”

  I brushed my lips against his, and our date became real.

  14th May

  “I knew we should have gone with the yellow,” my mother said, fussing around me as three people tried squeezing me into the dres
s that had been made especially for me.

  “I like the blue,” I murmured under swathes of fabric. “I just wish I’d thought a bit harder about the style. New mothers shouldn’t be expected to wear ball gowns mere weeks after birth.”

  “Don’t be silly, Eliana,” my mother shot back once my head had popped out of the dress. The three maids began the task of pulling it straight and making sure it was on correctly. I felt like a trussed-up leg of lamb. It didn’t help that the corset they’d made me wear under the dress was practically stopping my lungs from expanding. “You can’t go to a ball in loungewear and horsey clothes.”

  If only. I’d worn loose fitting and baggy clothes for so many months, I’d forgotten what it felt like to have a waist. I’d been under the delusion that mere days after giving birth to Fae, I’d be back in my regular clothes, but here I was, weeks later, and I was still rocking maternity chic. Or, at least, I had been before today.

  My hair had been thoroughly washed and styled, and for the first time in forever, didn’t have spit-up in it. I’d even gone so far as to let my mother bring a makeup artist in.

  “You are right about the blue, though,” she admitted, clapping her hands together and giving me an appreciative look. “I’ve never seen you more beautiful. Motherhood really suits you.”

  “I think a good night’s sleep is what suits me. Thank you, by the way.”

  My mother had pretty much ordered Judith to look after Fae through the night, only bothering me when Fae needed to be fed. She dealt with the diaper changes and the general soothing that Fae usually needed when she woke in the night. My mother had brought a bed into my sitting room for her, so Fae was never too far away from me.

  “That’s what mothers are for,” she said, ushering me to the full-length mirror. “Judith has agreed to do the same tonight so you can stay at the party as long as you like. And unlike last night, she will have formula.”

  I doubted Fae would like that, but I kept my mouth shut because I wanted to stay up late. I wanted to dance and eat and drink and be human. I wanted to enjoy being with Jay.

  The kiss I’d shared with Jay the day before had been brief. Too brief. Any misgivings I’d had about the pair of us had melted away, but kissing him in a glorified shed was not where I wanted our relationship to begin. Jay was special. He’d always been special to me, and I wanted everything perfect. I wanted everything tonight. We’d kiss again, I was sure of it, but this time I’d be a true princess, and he’d be dressed fit for a prince. He’d told me he’d had my mother helping him out in that department too.

  I’d never seen Jay in anything but scruffy work clothes. Seeing him in a suit would be a revelation. As I was imagining the pair of us dancing in each other’s arms, my mother angled the mirror toward me.

  My mouth dropped open at the sight of me. I’d looked like a princess once, but those days seemed a long time ago. I’d gotten used to stained shirts and baby dribble covering everything. I’d gotten used to the lack of shape my body had molded itself into...until now. I was back to me again, but somehow better. My waist was clearly defined thanks to the corset that heaved my breasts high, giving me a feminine look that I’d always lacked.

  Tears sprang to my eyes as I gazed down at myself. My long, blonde hair had been pulled from its ponytail and curled into waves that swept my shoulders.

  “You look beautiful,” my mother whispered as she placed my tiara on my head.

  I could barely tear my eyes from myself, but the part of getting ready I was most looking forward to was about to start. No matter how beautiful the makeup artist, hairdresser, and maids had made me, I wasn’t the belle of the ball. Fae was.

  I’d let my mother be in charge of my dress, but when it had come to picking Fae’s, I’d been the one to make the final decision. I’d picked a dress with so many frills that she’d be lost in them. It was a pale blue to compliment the dark blue of my gown, and I topped it off with a ribbon around her head with a flower embroidered into it along with the initial L.

  If anyone asked, I’d tell them it was for the shortened form of my name, Lia, but truly, it was for Fae’s father, Luka. I was moving on with Jay, but Luka would always be a part of me and a part of Fae.

  When she was dressed, I picked her up and moved back over to the mirror, pointing at her in it. She was completely unmoved by how beautiful she was, but I knew that was something she would grow into. I gave her a light kiss then wiped away the lipstick I’d left on her cheek with my thumb. The music in the grand hall had already begun, and we were in danger of being late to our own party.

  Judith met us by the door to the main hall, waiting to take Fae from my arms.

  “I’ll introduce her to everyone, and then, when she gets tired, you can take her to bed,” I said to her. No one was robbing me of formally introducing my daughter. “Feel free to enjoy the party before that. Make sure you get some food.”

  Judith nodded her head and walked down the corridor that would bring her to one of the side entrances to the grand hall. The main entrance where we were was reserved for royalty only. Normally, it wasn’t used, but on nights like this, it was the best way of making a grand entrance.

  My stomach was in knots as my father appeared. He kissed my cheek and Fae’s, then took my mother’s arm. I knew my nerves had nothing to do with Fae. The people would love her. What was there not to love? She was perfection in an overly frilly dress. I was nervous because Jay would be inside waiting for me, and I had to act like it was normal, that my insides didn’t feel like I’d swallowed a hundred snakes.

  The master of the doors put his hand to the door handle. I took a deep breath as the guards inside signaled their fanfare. A hand on my arm had me spinning around.

  Jay stood there, looking more handsome than I’d ever seen him. He’d had a haircut and a shave and didn’t have the usual smudge of mud across his cheek.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but his attention was already on Fae.

  The doors opened and we walked in, already a couple. He’d planned it that way, knowing I’d be nervous. As the photographers jostled for the best position and the guests applauded our arrival, I clung to him, fearful that if I let go, he would disappear.

  He clasped my hand tightly, and right then, I knew he’d always be there for me. From planning a practice date the day before to walking through the main doors with me, something he’d almost certainly asked permission from my father to do, he was always one step ahead, anticipating my needs before I even knew I had them.

  I took a quick glance over at him. He had a flower in his hand. It was a gerbera daisy. They didn’t grow in The Vale. I knew this because they were my favorite flowers. Bright, colorful, and yet simple. They were the flowers that Luka used to buy me when he could. Jay knew that, and he’d gone out of his way to make sure I was happy. At least, I’d thought that, but as I watched, he handed the flower to Fae. She grabbed the stem in her little fist, squashing it, breaking the stem so that it bent. She then let go, dropping the flower to the floor.

  “She’s going to be a feisty one when she grows up,” Jay whispered to me, and I broke into a laugh. Somewhere in front of me, another light went off as the photographers captured the special moment.

  There was so much I wanted to say to Jay, but once the photographers had been given their turn to take photos, they were ushered out to keep the rest of the party private, and I was given the chance to introduce Fae. She was the star of the show, and having people cooing over her made it so much easier to be with Jay in an official capacity. No one was looking at us as I made a trip around the room, introducing Fae to as many people as possible. No one noticed his hand on my back, the whispers of encouragement in my ear, the looks we gave each other. They only noticed the baby. She was the perfect decoy. I even managed to get some food before she became cranky and began to wail. I didn’t even need to look for Judith. She appeared out of the throng of people, ready to do her job. I gave Fae a quick cuddle and handed her to Judith. Jay be
nt over and kissed her forehead.

  “You’d better go and let the king and queen say goodnight to her,” I said, nodding toward my parents who were in deep conversation with a couple I didn’t recognize.

  I watched as Judith walked through the crowd with Fae, who was still wailing. My mother lit up when she saw her, even though she’d been with her less than half an hour earlier. She really did love us all. She doted on Fae, and I was pretty sure the only reason she didn’t insist on accompanying Judith up to my room was that she’d miss out on the opportunity to gush about her new granddaughter to all her friends.

  “She’ll be all right, you know.” Jay slipped his hand in mine as the music started to play. I turned to face him.

  “Here, I have one for you too.” He pulled out another gerbera daisy from a pocket. It was almost as bent as the one Fae had dropped on the floor earlier. I gave him a shy smile as I took the flower from him. With his free hand, he gestured to the dance floor. People were still eating and talking, and, as yet, no one had ventured out to dance. “Would you dance with me?”

  My stomach squirmed again. I no longer had Fae as a shield. Dancing with Jay would tell the world that we were together, but as I looked into his eyes, I knew that I wanted it. I’d wanted it for so long, and it was way overdue that I acknowledged it.

  “I’d be delighted.”

  All eyes were on us as Jay swept me out onto the dance floor. As he spun me around, I saw Judith slipping out with Fae. I closed my eyes, blocking the whole world out, and rested my head on Jay’s shoulder. It was such an intimate moment, watched by hundreds. I didn’t care. Being in Jay’s arms felt so right. How could I have not known how perfect we were together? The signs had been there all along. He’d been my best friend my whole life. He was one of my earliest memories, and now, he was the man making my whole body sing. The music played faster and faster, and the evening flew by. By the time the orchestra was playing the slow songs, my feet were aching and my heart was full. No one had bothered us, and yet I’d seen with my own eyes the people watching us dance. I wondered briefly if this would cause a scandal in The Vale. After all, I’d not long since given birth to another man’s baby. Then I found I didn’t care. Those people, supposedly our greatest friends, although I’d never met half of them, didn’t know what it was like to lose a husband and then months later give birth to his child.