Engaging Carol

by Pepper Espinoza

  Carol blanched at the idea. “No. Why don’t you take Rebecca up?”

  “You mean, just the two of us?” Daniel asked, leaning over to wipe Rebecca’s chin.

  “Why not? I know how much Patricia would like to see Rebecca and certainly my father.”

  “That’s not what I had in mind. I thought we could go up there and get married ourselves.”

  Carol noticed Rebecca watching the exchange with large, interested eyes. She knew the two-year-old was too young to understand most of the conversation, but Carol didn’t feel comfortable discussing it in front of her. “Can we talk about this later?”

  “I want to talk about it now.”

  Carol wasn’t surprised by the direction of the conversation. Daniel had been growing more insistent that they make their relationship official, especially as Rebecca began to ask questions. It would be so easy to nod, smile, accept, and make Daniel happy. It would be so easy, but it felt so wrong.

  “I just don’t…” Carol paused, floundering for an explanation. She knew if she agreed to marry him, her life, her dreams, would be over. Not because Daniel was a tyrant, but because she would take her marriage vows seriously, and she wasn’t prepared to commit for the rest of her life.

  “You just don’t what? You don’t love me? You don’t love your daughter?”

  Carol reeled back. “I’m not having this conversation now. We can discuss it later.”

  Daniel opened his mouth again, but only shook his head and focused on his supper. Carol tried to eat, but it all tasted like sawdust. Rebecca flung noodles around the table, but Carol couldn’t manage to bring her under control. Finally, Daniel lifted the toddler from her chair, holding her against his hip.

  “I think this one needs a bath.”

  “Fine,” Carol said tonelessly, staring at the stained tablecloth, each spot of red shining like a damning bit of blood.

  * * * *

  Carol waited until Daniel was sleeping heavily beside her before sneaking down the stairs to the little room off the kitchen—the one Daniel had dubbed Carol’s office. The house was old enough that it could have been a maid’s or a cook’s bedroom in another life, but now it held a desk, a chair, and a wide variety of correspondence.

  She pulled a stack of letters from the back of the bottom drawer, studying the clumsy handwriting with a smile. They all came addressed to Carol Scambray—she no longer used her own last name since the arrest—without a return address, but she knew at a glance who they were from. Rodney and May, still in California, still waiting for her to return. The latest one, postmarked the previous week, kept her awake at night.

  Carol,

  We’re all going south to Alabama. When we got the news that Paxton had been arrested, we knew we needed to get down there. We’re all going. We’d really like you to join us, Carol. You have the heart, the passion, the drive that we need. You’re a natural leader. Things haven’t been the same here without you. Please consider joining us. We’ll be going through Denver next week. We’ll stop at your house. It’ll raise everybody’s spirits.

  Your friend,

  May.

  Carol put her hand over her mouth, a single hot tear rolling down her cheek.

  * * * *

  A sharp knock on the front door sent Carol’s heart to her throat. She lowered the basket of laundry to the floor, waiting for a second knock. When it came, she thought her heart would stop entirely. Taking a deep breath, she left the clothes and walked to the door, each step measured and deliberate.

  Her disappointment tasted like copper. “Melissa. Hello.”

  Melissa, a tall woman with a thick body, smiled and held up the package in her hands. “Carol, I was just thinking about you last night, and I thought it’s been so long since we’ve talked! Here, I brought over a pie.”

  Carol accepted the pie and forced a grin. “Thank you.”

  “It’s cherry. That’s Daniel’s favorite, right?”

  Carol didn’t know, but she nodded anyway. “That was very thoughtful of you.”

  “You know what sounds lovely? A cup of coffee. You don’t happen to have a fresh pot on, do you?” Melissa took a step forward, putting her foot in front of the door.

  Carol looked over Melissa’s shoulder, straining to see the end of the block. The road was empty as far as she could see. “I was just about to put on a fresh pot.”

  Melissa followed her into the kitchen, pulling her slick, silver cigarette case out of her purse as she walked. She held it out to Carol.

  “No thanks.”

  “So how is little Becky?”

  Carol gritted her teeth. “Rebecca is fine.”

  “That’s good. So are all mine, thank God. Speaking of God, we didn’t see you at church last week. Were you sick?”

  Carol nodded, filling the pot with water. Her mind was on only one thing, and she didn’t think she could concentrate on the tedious details of the neighborhood gossip. She decided to take control of the conversation.

  “What do you think of what happened in North Carolina?” she asked, slicing through the cherry pie with a sharp knife.

  “What happened in North Carolina?” Melissa asked, leaning forward in her chair.

  “What do you mean, what happened? It’s been all over the news.”

  Melissa tilted her head, studying Carol with the same perplexed expression Rebecca wore when coming across a new bug in the yard. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. What happened?”

  “The sit-in. At the lunch counter in Woolworths.”

  Melissa’s eyes cleared. She dismissed the event with a wave of her smooth hand. “Oh, that. I would say it’s not a big deal, but I’m worried it’ll spread.”

  Carol swallowed hard. “Spread?”

  “Well, if they can do it in North Carolina, they can get away with it anywhere. My husband says at the rate this is going, we’ll have a black president in four years! Can you imagine? Not to mention that little Becky is going to be forced to go to school with little colored boys.” Melissa shook her head, clearly disgusted by the entire situation.

  Carol didn’t know how to respond, or if she should respond at all. She was more worried about Rebecca going to school with Melissa’s little Teddy than she was about little colored boys. “I think the young men were very brave,” she finally said.

  “Stupid, more like it. They knew what would happen, and they deserved it.”

  “They deserved to be beaten and arrested?”

  “Well, of course. They were breaking the law, weren’t they? Now, I told Rose, I told her that if she or her sons try anything like that, she’d be fired immediately,” Melissa announced, taking a bite of her pie.

  “You’d fire a widow with seven children if one of her sons participated in a sit-in?” Carol asked, her heart pounding in her ears.

  “I can’t have that sort in the house with my children. You’ll understand when Becky is older.”

  “Yeah, that sort,” Carol murmured. She looked out the kitchen window, marveling at the perfect, white neighborhood. The houses were well-kept, the lawns trimmed and neat, the flowerbeds colorful but not extravagant, and most of the cars were new.

  What would they do if they knew she wasn’t married to Daniel? Would she still be subject to spontaneous visits and gossip over coffee and pies? Or would she be an outcast, unwelcome, unwanted?

  What if they learned of her record?

  Daniel hid her from the vipers by putting her in the middle of their nest. She thought she’d tear off her own skin if she had to spend another day in their insular, nonchalant world.

  “Thank God the Negroes here in Denver still know their place.”

  “We’re all children of God,” Carol said softly.

  Melissa only laughed, a sound that grated on Carol’s ears like metal sliding across asphalt. She shuddered, her elbow knocking the corner of the pie dish, sending it falling to the floor. It landed face-down on her spotless linoleum, a gruesome mess.

  “Oh! Let me he
lp you with that,” Melissa said, jumping to her feet.

  Carol held up her hand. “No, no, I have it under control.”

  “Oh, let me—”

  “No,” Carol snapped. “Just…get out.”

  Melissa gaped at Carol’s unexpected words. “Get out?”

  “Leave. Just leave. Get out of my house.” Carol was beyond caring about her rudeness, about what people would think of her. She just wanted to be alone.

  “Well, is that any way to thank your neighbor for—”

  “Get out!” Carol shouted.

  Melissa didn’t try to argue again. She took her purse, marching out of the house with an angry grunt. Carol knew she’d be going to Bonnie’s house, and then Lisa’s house, and Roberta’s house, bursting at the seams with indignation at the way she had been treated.

  Carol just didn’t care.

  She collapsed in the chair Melissa had vacated, resting her head in her hands. Her place was with her family. That’s what everybody said. She needed to marry Daniel—if only because she owed her life to him. She needed to be a dedicated mother to Rebecca. They deserved only the best in their lives.

  But how to tell them she wasn’t the woman for the job?

  Carol didn’t feel any better when Daniel and Rebecca finally returned, Rebecca’s cheeks a rosy red, and her eyes a bright blue. “Momma! Shnow man!”

  Carol looked up at Daniel. “Did you guys have a good time?”

  “I wish you had been there.”

  “What do you think of the sit-ins in North Carolina?” she blurted, then clapped her hand over her mouth, surprised the words had escaped like that. She hadn’t intended to ask his opinion—she hadn’t intended to talk about it at all.

  Daniel’s gaze slid from her face to the pie on the floor and back to Carol again. “I think I’m going to put Rebecca down for her nap.”

  Carol nodded. She hoped that meant he intended to ignore the question, ignore the implications. She didn’t want to have this discussion, because it would open too many doors. She thought of the letter in her office, the promise it contained, the invitation she wanted to accept. But she owed too much to Daniel. Far too much.

  When he returned, he calmly cleaned up the cherry pie, scraping it off the floor and tossing it into the trash bin. “What happened today?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Who brought the pie over?”

  “Melissa.”

  “Oh? How is she doing?”

  Carol ignored the flurry of butterflies in her midsection. “Fine.”

  “I think the people in North Carolina, and Alabama, and Georgia are doing important work,” Daniel said slowly, “but dangerous.”

  Carol nodded.

  “I guess it takes a special kind of person to take a risk like that. They’ve got a long, long road ahead of them.”

  “They do.”

  Daniel crouched in front of her, taking her hand. “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”

  “Nothing, it just came up while I was talking to Melissa, and I thought I’d find out your opinion.”

  Daniel shook his head. “Don’t try that with me, Carol. What’s going on?”

  She stood, swallowing hard. “Come to my office.” Once they were inside the tiny room, she asked him to sit down while she dug out the letter. “I got this last week.”

  He took it from her, reading it with pursed lips. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, clutching her hands at her side. He finally looked up, his eyes glistening, and beckoned her over. “C’mere.”

  She settled on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. Looking at the lines around his eyes and mouth, and the pre-mature gray hair at his temples, she couldn’t believe he was only twenty-five. Still a young man. She felt ancient, like most of her life had slipped away while she wasn’t looking.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” Daniel asked.

  “It’s nothing. I didn’t…I mean, I knew I wasn’t going to go with them,” she said, finding it difficult to form the words.

  “But you want to go.”

  “But I can’t.”

  Daniel sighed. “But you would if things were different.”

  “Yes.”

  “Carol, will you marry me?”

  She stiffened. “Daniel, how many times do I have to tell you? God, I can’t believe you would bring this up now.”

  Daniel gently kissed the corner of her mouth. “I didn’t mean right now, sweetheart. I mean, do you ever have any intention of marrying me?”

  Carol blushed lightly at his question, embarrassed by her outburst. She caressed his cheek, her fingers moving across his face while she thought of her answer. Did she ever want to get married? Carol didn’t know, but she did know one thing for certain. If she ever married anybody, it would be Daniel.

  “Yes. I do want to marry you. Eventually.”

  “Answer me honestly, okay?” He kissed her mouth again. “What’s stopping you now?”

  “I don’t want to be trapped,” she said softly.

  “Where do you want to be?”

  “I want to go south with Rodney and May. I want to make a difference. But I can’t just leave you and Rebecca. You deserve better…” You deserve better than me.

  Daniel tightened his arms around her, holding her against his chest. He cupped her face with one hand, looking into her eyes. “Will you marry me, Carol?”

  “One day.”

  “Then do what you have to do. You’re not my pet. I can’t keep you here against your will, can I?”

  “But what about Rebecca?”

  “We’ll survive.”

  Carol clutched his hands, smiling earnestly. “Daniel, give me a year. That’s all I need. Just give me a year.”

  “I’ll wait for you,” he said, drawing her face to his. “I’ll wait for you as long as you need. I just want you to be happy.”

  Carol wished she could tell him she was happy with him. She wanted him to join her, but she knew he would never leave Rebecca, or disrupt her life like that. For the first time, she began to resent her daughter the way she resented Patricia—why did everybody keep Daniel away from her? It didn’t occur to her that Daniel was much happier with a quiet life and his family than he could ever be traveling the country.

  His lips touched hers with a desperate tenderness, as though he was afraid he’d break her, or scare her away. For the first time in months, maybe years, her body instantly responded to his touch, straining for more. She deepened the kiss, exploring his mouth, enjoying the pressure and taste of his lips.

  Daniel gripped her hips, shifting her body until she was straddling him. She rubbed her crotch against his, rotating her hips for the pressure and friction. She shivered with delight as he covered her back with his rough palms, running his hands up and down her spine and over her ribs. Carol dropped her head forward, moaning, as his fingers danced over her shoulders, finding each knot, working her flesh until she felt loose.

  Carol pulled off Daniel’s shirt, exposing his broad shoulders and deep chest. Her mouth fell on his body, her tongue darting out to taste his salty skin. She felt him shake at the contact, small tremors racing through his body. She slid her tongue along the ridge of his shoulder to the proud line of his neck, burying her fingers in his hair. Her mouth closed over the pulse point at his throat—she sucked it gently, enjoying the rhythm of his blood against her lips.

  While she focused on his sensitive neck, he continued exploring her body with his nimble fingers. He cupped her full breasts, massaging her nipples with his palms until they were hard and throbbing. They stood out beneath her shirt like pebbles, begging for more attention. She arched toward him, pleading for more.

  Daniel pushed her back, supporting her against his arm as he pulled her nipple between his lips, lightly nibbling on it through the thin material of her blouse. She squirmed on his lap, surprised by the heat that suffused her body, but desperate for more. She wanted to feel his hot mouth on her flesh, wanted to
feel his breath tickling her delicate skin, wanted to feel the sharp pleasure of his teeth scraping across her aching, tender nipples.

  As if he could read her mind, he paused long enough to pull her shirt over her head, tossing it on the floor. Her bra soon joined it. He feasted his eyes on her chest, staring at her with the familiar combination of hunger, awe, and desire. Carol didn’t understand how he could look at her like that. She didn’t understand how he could still see her with fresh eyes, as though they hadn’t spent every night together for the past five years, as though he hadn’t seen her pregnant, fat, and ugly. How could he still look at her like she was a delightful surprise, a delicate gift?

  Daniel lowered his head, focusing on her breasts again. His mouth felt like velvet around her skin, his lips pulling, caressing, stroking. His mouth distracted her, made the world and everything in it fall away, until there was nothing but his lips, her heart, their bodies, and passion that was almost a living, breathing thing.

  His fingers moved down her body, his blunt nails barely scraping against the taut skin of her belly. His hands had a mind of their own as he lavished her with his tongue. They slipped beneath her skirt, skimming across the top of her panties, teasing her. She held his head against her chest with one hand, and used her other hand to guide his fingers between her legs, past her damp panties, to her waiting flesh.

  Daniel caressed the tip of her nub, moving his finger in tandem with his tongue. Carol gasped, pushing against his hand until he applied more pressure, easing the growing ache in her lower stomach. She wanted to tell him how it felt, how he made her feel, how much she wanted him at that moment, but her vocal cords were frozen. The words were stuck in her throat. Instead, she tried to communicate with moans, growing louder as he moved faster. She covered his face with kisses, brushing her lips against every bit of skin she could reach, biting him when the pleasure from his touch and his lips grew to be too much.

  Daniel switched breasts, leaving her nipple hard and wet in the cool air. Her nipple throbbed, her entire body shaking as chills raced down her spine and goosebumps covered her skin. She leaned back and closed her eyes, losing herself in a dark oblivion as the pressure in her body built. Daniel rubbed her hard flesh faster, using his clever fingers to bring her closer to the edge while he swirled his tongue around her breast.