“Where is she?”
“Becky? My mom took her out to the zoo.”
Carol sounded oddly disappointed. “Oh.”
“Did you mean Emma?” He poured a cup of coffee, stirring just a dash of cream into the dark liquid.
“Yes.”
“Gone. I don’t know where.”
“Gone? Does that mean the wedding’s off?” She sat down, looking as regal as a queen.
“What do you think?” He handed the coffee to her.
“What did you say?”
“That’s between me and Emma.”
She sipped from the cup. “I see.”
“What are you going to do now?” he asked, crossing his arms and putting several feet between him and Carol. “I need to know.”
“Daniel, look, being down there…it’s not like a vacation. I didn’t write because I didn’t have time to write. I’ve spent most of my time in prison. As soon as somebody bails me out, I get arrested again. When I’m not in prison or marching, I’m usually in hiding, because people do not appreciate white women getting involved. Do you know how many white people the Klan has targeted? I couldn’t draw attention to myself.”
Daniel swallowed, his gut twisting at the thought of her in danger. He understood it was a danger she gladly took on herself, and he understood he couldn’t spend his life rescuing her, but it killed him that he couldn’t join her, protect her, save her.
“I see,” he said softly.
“Oh, now you’re worried.” Carol shook her head. “I wasn’t trying to upset you, Daniel. I don’t want you to worry about me, but I just…I want you to understand that I didn’t forget about you and Rebecca. I thought about you every day. Some days, my memories of you were all I had. I just want you to understand.”
“I do understand. And I’m proud of you. I’m proud I know somebody like you. But Carol, I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I’m not even thirty yet, and I feel like I’m twice that age. When you’re gone, I’m lonely and tired, and I can’t do anything about it, because I want you. I’m not saying you have to make a decision, but I am saying something has got to change,” he said, his heart heavy. He didn’t want to force her into a decision, but that would be the outcome of this discussion, and he knew what she would choose.
“Daniel, I—”
“If you want to come and go as you please, then you’ve got to cut me free.”
“What do you mean?”
He closed his eyes, trying to find the courage to finish. If he explained himself, he’d just be opening himself up for more pain, but what choice did he have any more? There wasn’t a single perfect solution, just a dozen imperfect compromises, none of which would make either of them completely happy.
“You can stay here, if you like. You can live in this house again, and be with Becky, and do whatever you like. But you can’t live with me if you think you’re going to move on again.”
“So what are you saying? That you’re going to move out?” Carol asked, bewildered.
“I’m saying that we can’t live as husband and wife again until we’re actually husband and wife.”
“I’m not sure what to say to that.”
He picked up his jacket from the other chair, pulling it on. “You think about it. I’m going for a walk.”
“Daniel…”
“Yes?”
“I do love you.”
“I know.”
Chapter 6
Denver, Colorado
1967
“Is Daddy coming over tonight, too?” Rebecca asked, carefully stirring the simmering pot.
“Yes, he’ll be here. Be careful. Don’t burn yourself.” Carol danced around the kitchen. “How do those vegetables look?”
“Disgusting.”
“Yes, but are they done?”
Rebecca stood on the tips of her toes, looking over the stove to the back burner. “Yes.”
“Okay, turn it off.”
“Who else is coming? I don’t remember.”
“Some of my old friends, from before you were born.”
“From California?”
“Yes. Oh, honey, be careful. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Why don’t you go set the table?”
Rebecca dropped the spoon, splashing hot water everywhere. “Okay.”
Carol looked around the room and sighed. She knew she didn’t have to be nervous—she wasn’t trying to impress anybody tonight. But she still wanted her dinner party to be perfect. She had an important announcement to make.
“Am I early?” Daniel asked as he stepped through the front door.
Even after three years, it was difficult for Carol to hold herself back. She wanted to launch herself into his arms, kiss him on the lips, hold him like he belonged to her. But that wasn’t the deal she had struck.
Some nights when Daniel visited, she thought he struggled with the same temptations.
“Not early,” she greeted. “Well, a little bit, but I think I might need help.”
“Everything smells delicious. What’s on the menu?” He left a friendly kiss on her cheek. Carol’s heart fluttered. It would be the last time he kissed her so chastely.
“Pot roast, vegetables, mashed potatoes, and cake for dessert.”
“Daddy!” Rebecca called from the dining room. “I need help! I can’t reach the plates!”
He looked at Carol with surprise. “Are we using the fine china tonight?”
“I thought it would be nice.”
“I’ll be right there, sweetheart!” He flashed a tired smile at Carol. “Thanks for inviting me over. It’s been a long week and I…well, I needed to see you.”
“We’ve missed you this week,” she admitted. This week and every night. She itched to tell him the news now, but it wasn’t the right time. She had planned the entire night to the minute and she couldn’t destroy her own plans.
Carol drained the pot of boiling potatoes just as Rodney knocked on the door. The rest of her guests followed in a steady stream: May and her husband Roy, Rodney’s ex-girlfriend Petra and her new boyfriend Jeff, Rodney’s friend Phillip, and a soft-spoke older woman Carol had initially met in Alabama, Edna. They filtered into the house, hugging Carol, gushing over Rebecca, and nodding at Daniel.
With Rebecca’s help, Carol had created a seating chart, designed with one purpose in mind. Rebecca had made name tags from construction paper and markers, her crooked handwriting notably straight for once. Daniel was placed at the head of the table, Carol to his left, Rebecca to his right. That was the only position that mattered.
Daniel offered to pour the drinks while Carol put the finishing touches on dinner. He chatted easily as he took their requests, as though they were all great friends. He even laughed occasionally, the sound warming her heart. Rebecca couldn’t stop smiling. She was always pleased when Daniel spent an evening with them, but it was clear to Carol that Rebecca wasn’t only pleased, she was proud as well.
“I’ll help you,” Daniel announced as she put the roast on the platter. “What should I carry?”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that. You’re a guest tonight.”
“I want to. Should I take the potatoes?”
“Please.”
Daniel leaned over. She froze, convinced he was going to kiss her, but he only whispered, “I want to talk to you tonight.”
Her heart fluttered again. She nodded. “Yeah, okay.” She lifted the platter, carefully balancing it. “Rebecca, turn off the television now.”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Wait,” Rodney said, holding up his hand. He smiled at Carol as she entered the dining room. “You don’t mind if we leave it on, do you? The news just started.”
Carol looked around the table. Everybody else seemed indifferent. “Would anybody else like me to keep the television on?”
May held up her hand. “I wouldn’t mind. I’d like to see what’s going on overseas.”
“It’s hardly appropriate for a dinner party,” Edna said.
Pleased with the compromise, Carol began handing dishes around the table. Everybody offered her compliments, but she cared only about Daniel’s reaction. She watched as he took his first bite of potatoes, her heart in her throat.
“These are very good, Carol.”
“Oh, it was nothing,” she said, waving her hand. “Would you like some more gravy?”
“No, thank you.”
“I want some more gravy, Mom!”
“So Carol,” Petra started, “we’ve hardly seen you at all. Is this where you’ve been hiding yourself?”
Carol smiled, ignoring Petra’s caustic tone. “Yes. I’ve been taking care of my daughter.”
Rodney snorted. “Carol considers herself a housewife now, didn’t you know that?”
“Nothing wrong with that,” Edna cut in.
Petra sniffed. “Well, I suppose it’s just fine for somebody who doesn’t have anything better to do.”.
Daniel caught Carol’s eye, plainly wanting to defend her honor. Carol shook her head.
“What concern of it is yours?” Edna asked, her voice much stronger than her small frame would indicate.
“It isn’t our concern,” Rodney admitted, “but Carol had real drive, real promise, and then she just disappears for three years, only to turn up as the Happy Homemaker.”
“Jeff, how long have you known Petra?” Daniel asked, smoothly directing the attention away from Carol.
Jeff shrugged. “A few months, I guess. We met in San Francisco this summer. I was totally stoned and I ripped off her shirt…” Jeff’s gaze slid to Rebecca, watching him with interest. “I mean, we met over coffee.”
“That reminds me,” Phillip said, brushing his long hair away from his eyes, “if you guys want to party tonight, I’ve got some grass in my car.”
“You mean there’s some left?” Rodney asked. “I thought we finished that when we drove through Utah.”
“Nah, I’ve got another stash. I saved it for Carol.”
“Not in front of Rebecca,” Carol said tightly. Or Daniel.
“Sorry,” Phillip mumbled. “Hey, these potatoes are really good. Do you have any more?”
“I’ll get it,” Daniel volunteered.
“Guys, can you cool it with the talk? Daniel isn’t really into that sort of thing,” Carol said, her voice lowered. She hoped it would be enough to bring them under control, but a part of her thought it would be wise to send Rebecca out of the room sooner rather than later.
“No problem,” Rodney said. “Daniel’s all right.”
“Does he know why we’re here?” May asked.
Daniel returned before Carol could answer, setting the fresh bowl of potatoes in front of Phillip. Carol looked around the table, trying to think of the most innocuous question she could ask. Her eyes settled on Edna.
“Edna, why don’t you tell Daniel how we met?”
“Oh, my God, look at that,” Jeff said, pointing to the television.
Blood drained from Carol’s face. The camera panned over what appeared to be an endless row of body bags. A few men in uniform were standing over the bodies, pointing, directing other men with stretchers to the end of the line.
“Fucking murderers,” Jeff growled.
“Those are all civilians,” Rodney said. “I’m surprised they didn’t just burn the bodies.”
Petra nodded. “Maybe they plan to. What else could they do with them?”
Carol looked at Daniel from the corner of her eye. He seemed calm, but she knew from the way he clenched his fist and the vein standing out on his neck that he didn’t like the way the conversation was going.
“Rebecca, turn off the television,” Carol directed softly.
Rebecca nodded, jumping from her chair without protest. After the screen faded to black, she asked if she could go to her room.
“Yes. I’ll call you when it’s time for dessert.”
Rebecca skipped out of the room, clearly relieved to be released.
“She didn’t even eat half her food,” Daniel pointed out. “You can’t let her leave without finishing her supper.”
“She’ll be fine,” Carol said.
“So when are you going to marry Carol and make Rebecca legitimate?” Petra asked before sliding a single green bean between her lips.
Carol’s eyes widened. “Petra, I don’t—”
“That’s none of your business,” Daniel said, calmly sliding his knife through his meat.
“Your pot roast is so tender,” Edna commented, leaning over the table. “How did you do it?”
Carol smiled gratefully at her. She had no idea that putting her dearest friends in the same room with Daniel would be so disastrous. They had already offended him in several small ways, for no good reason that she could see. Daniel had been nothing except polite to them—why would Petra ask such an ignorant and rude question?
“Well, I marinated it overnight first.”
“Yes, yes, I can definitely taste that. You must give me the recipe for your marinade. Did you use lemons?”
“And just a hint of orange juice—”
“Daniel,” Jeff broke in, “what are your feelings on Vietnam?”
Daniel shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
“How could you not think about it, man?” Jeff demanded. “I mean, hundreds of innocent people are being slaughtered. You don’t even give it a passing thought?”
“Jeff, I hardly think this is the right time,” Carol said desperately. Please don’t do this. Please. Not tonight.
“I’m not opposed to the war,” Daniel said mildly.
“You’re not opposed to murdering children?” Petra asked.
Daniel’s face turned red, but he continued eating as though they were having a calm conversation about their favorite television program.
“Man, you’re not going to get anywhere with him,” Rodney said. “He’s already killed a couple of commie bastards himself, isn’t that right?”
“You’re a vet?” Phillip asked.
“I was in Korea.”
Carol wished the floor would open and swallow her. Watching the news for the last several months had been in exercise in pain. Her heart twisted with every fatality. She cried over the injustice of it all. She hated the war, and she wished it would end, but she never told Daniel her feelings. Not because she was afraid of his reaction, but because she respected him.
And she didn’t want him to think she planned to leave again.
“Man, lay off him,” Rodney said, waving his hand. “He’s not in the army anymore. He isn’t your enemy. May, why don’t you tell Carol your news?”
May wiped her lips with the corner of her napkin. “Do you remember Tad Johnson? Well, he’s organizing a massive protest in San Francisco, scheduled for the beginning of next year.”
“Oh?” Carol kept her voice neutral.
“Well, it doesn’t give us much time, of course. He knows that we have experience dealing with large crowds and organizing rallies. He wants me to come and help. If it goes smoothly, we’d organize the next one in Washington DC.”
“That sounds very exciting,” Carol said, “I hope you can pull it all together.”
“Well, I can’t. Not by myself.” May tilted her head, studying Carol’s face. “I thought you knew.”
“Knew? About Tad?”
“Yes. Isn’t that why you invited us here? Rodney said you had a big announcement. I assumed you were going to join us.”
“A big announcement?” Daniel asked.
“Does anybody want some cake?” Carol asked, jumping to her feet. “I made the frosting this morning. It’s very good.”
“Carol…”
She stepped out of reach of Daniel’s outstretched hand, hurrying into the kitchen. How could she have been so stupid? She should have invited Daniel over for a quiet meal, instead of having a
n entire dinner party. How could she fix this?
“What’s going on, Carol?” Daniel asked, walking into the kitchen.
“Nothing. I’m just getting the cake. Oh, the coffee. Can you get it started, Daniel?”
“No. What’s going on?”
Carol smiled weakly. “I told you. Nothing.”
He took her arm, leading her into her office, and shutting the door. “Now we have a bit of privacy, you can tell me why we’re all here. Are you leaving again?”
“I’m not. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on anymore, Daniel.” She leaned against the door, wiping her eyes. “This is not going as planned.”
“What did you plan?”
“I wanted to impress you. I wanted to cook a nice dinner, and put together a nice dinner party, in a spotless house. I wanted you to see how well behaved Rebecca was, and how helpful. I mean, we’ve been getting along really well.”
“I know, Carol.”
“I just wanted to prove that I had it all together, that we could…I mean, I thought I was ready. I wanted to tell you that I’m ready to marry you. I’m ready to settle down.” She looked hopefully at him, waiting for his response.
“But what about what May said?” Daniel asked.
“No. I made up my mind.”
“But if it wasn’t for me, you’d leave, wouldn’t you?”
“I want to be with you.”
He reached for her. “I want to be with you, too. Oh, Carol, I’ve missed you so much.”
She sighed as he finally kissed her. It felt like the first time. He lifted her off her feet, pushing her against the wall as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her clothes seemed to weigh a hundred pounds. Her skin itched, longing to be free of its restrictions. Not even light came between their bodies as he deepened the kiss, but they weren’t close enough. She felt cold everywhere he didn’t touch her.
“Oh,” she moaned when he pulled away his mouth.
“I know,” he gasped, “I know. But you’ve still got guests.”
Carol hadn’t forgotten about her friends, but she had hoped they would just leave on their own. “Are you going to stay tonight? Don’t make me wait.”
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