To the Stars

by Molly McAdams

  Slamming my hand down on the phone, I brought the screen to life and tapped on it a few times until it was dialing Knox. The small pieces of my heart that had been cracking over the past month broke off as the phone continued to ring.

  When his voice mail began, I hung up without leaving a message.

  I’d only been gone from Seattle for a month, and already it felt as if I’d lost him. It had felt like that within the first two weeks. He hadn’t answered any of my calls, and had only called me twice. They had been short conversations, of him asking if I was having fun, and pushing me to go have more fun. “Go experience everything you can,” he’d said before the last call had ended.

  For the first time in more than two years, he hadn’t told me he was waiting for me. The only hope I’d clung to was his parting phrase of “To the stars, Low.”

  His few texts each week didn’t seem like the guy who was always dying to talk to me. None of it was like Knox at all, and I’d cried myself to sleep every night since leaving Seattle—much to my roommate’s frustration.

  She just didn’t understand—not that I’d attempted to explain it to her, since she wasn’t what you would call friendly—that it felt like I was losing what I knew would be the greatest love of my life. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t even eighteen yet, and it didn’t matter if I’d never been allowed to be with Knox.

  It’s impossible to find the other half of your soul and not recognize it for what it is. So how do you explain to someone that the other half of your soul is pulling away? How do I explain it to myself?

  Knox’s texts just kept prompting me to go have fun . . . to live it up. I didn’t want to live it up without him. When he finally did text me I didn’t want to only talk about what party I had been to. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and to know that he was missing me.

  Instead, I was now stuck between a place of knowing I had to get in touch with him and hoping I wouldn’t hear from him, because I didn’t know how to tell him what was going on in my life.

  I’d been grabbing coffee on campus my first week here, and nearly every seat had been taken. Two guys who were starting their junior years walked in and asked if they could use the remaining chairs at my table. Somehow I’d ended up talking to them for a while, then only one of them, and then I’d found myself at an all-night diner with him for hours after. I’d seen him regularly over the past weeks, the first few times refusing to admit I was on a date with someone. And now . . . I looked at my phone for the time and released a nervous breath when I saw I only had a few minutes before he showed up to take me on another date.

  It’s just a date, I reminded myself. It’s just a date. You and Knox have both had dates. You’ve both been in relationships. I tried to ignore the fact that it’d been well over a year for both of us as I kept chanting. He’ll be okay with some dates . . . if he ever decides to call again.

  When a text popped up from Knox I gasped and reached for my phone faster than should’ve been possible. My fingers fumbled to open up the message, and when I read it my body sagged.

  Knox Alexander: Gonna be busy this weekend, Low. You should be too! Go have fun.

  I felt another crack form in my heart as I read the words over and over again, searching for any kind of hidden meaning. I didn’t find one, but I knew then that I was right. I was losing him.

  I wanted to beg him to tell me what was going on. I wanted to plead with him to reassure me that nothing could ever come between us. I wanted him to stop breaking my heart.

  I cleared my throat and blinked back tears when there was a knock on my door. As much as I wanted to tell the guy waiting for me on the other side that tonight wasn’t the best night, I knew a night out with him was exactly what I needed. As soon as I’d stopped comparing him to Knox, I’d started enjoying being around him more and more. And though I’d never admit it to him, I craved the way his perfect smile unintentionally healed each crack Knox left in my heart.

  “Collin, hey!” I said brightly when I opened the door, and was taken aback—as I always was—by how overwhelmingly gorgeous he was.

  “You look beautiful,” he murmured as he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

  My eyes widened, and I tried to suppress my smile at the unexpected act. I didn’t know what to think about the fact that it also wasn’t unwelcome.

  Collin took a step back. “Are you ready?”

  “Uh, yes. I just need my purse,” I mumbled as I grabbed it off my bed. With one last look at my phone, I left it lying on the desk. I knew if I had it on me, I would want to check it. “So where are we going?”

  “Dinner,” he said with a nonchalant shrug. I would’ve worried about how quiet he was being, but the way his lips kept tilting up eased the awkwardness. “I already know you don’t like eggs . . . but is there anything else I should know about?”

  I shook my head slowly as I thought about it. “No,” I said, drawing out the word. “I don’t think so. Why, are we going somewhere with weird food? I’ve never had sushi, so I can’t really tell you if I’ll like it.”

  He huffed. “We’re not going to get sushi.”

  “Okay, well then, I’m sure whatever it is will be—oh how cute,” I whispered as we exited the building, only to see a horse-drawn carriage out front. I turned to walk toward the parking lot, but stumbled awkwardly when Collin led me toward the carriage instead. “What are you doing?”

  Collin glanced at the carriage, then back to me. Suddenly his sheepish smile from inside the building made sense. “I thought we’d go to dinner like this.”

  “In a carriage?” I asked in awe.

  “Why not?” he asked with another shrug.

  “Oh, right, because everyone does this,” I mumbled to myself as he helped me into the carriage, and ignored his laughing. “Okay, this is actually pretty amazing,” I admitted a couple of minutes into the ride.

  “I’m glad you think so,” he said distractedly as he reached under the bench for something. He stopped to give me a quick smile, but then went back to looking for whatever he must have dropped. “This is for you,” he said when he found what he’d been looking for.

  My eyes widened, and I blinked a few times when I looked at the deep red, rectangular box in his hand. There was a gold design around the edges of the box, and it looked beautiful—but I had a feeling the box wasn’t what he was giving me.

  “Uh,” I breathed, and took the box from his hand. “Thank you?”

  I opened the lid of the box, and my eyes widened further when I saw the beautiful bracelet inside. Small, double chains attached to a white gold circle pendant with the word LOVE engraved on the top and bottom. Wait, is that a diamond as one of the O’s? My mouth popped open and a puff of air left my lungs when I looked up. On the black underside of the lid, etched in gold, read Cartier.

  I snapped the lid shut and looked at Collin. “This better be a joke; please tell me this is a joke.”

  His brow furrowed, and he gave me a look like he thought I was being adorably stupid. “Why would it be a joke?”

  “Is it real?”

  “Of course it is. Do you like it?”

  “Like it? Collin, it says ‘Cartier’ on the box.” I half-whispered so the driver of the carriage wouldn’t hear me. When Collin’s expression showed his confusion, I continued: “We’ve only been dating for a few weeks—”

  “Technically tonight’s a month,” he corrected, but I didn’t stop talking.

  “—you are not supposed to give me these things! What if I never go on another date with you after tonight?”

  “Do you plan on this being our last date?” he asked, and raised an eyebrow.

  “Well, no, I haven’t really been thinking that far ahead. I’ve just been taking it one day at a time. It’s not like I planned on marrying you tonight, though!”

  He laughed, again like he thought I was being adorably stupid. “It’s a bracelet, Harlow, not an engagement ring.” Taking the box from my hand, he opened it up and took the bracelet fr
om it. “A simple ‘thank you’ would’ve been fine,” he teased. “Can I put it on you?”

  I looked at him blankly, but still held out my wrist. “Whatever happened to flowers?”

  “Do you like flowers?”

  “What girl doesn’t like flowers?”

  “So that’s a yes?” he asked, his voice bordering on a tease.

  “Of course—well, no, I mean I do. I just don’t like roses.”

  Collin nodded, and bit back a smile. “All right. No roses.”

  I held up my arm to look at the bracelet, then dropped it back to my lap and let my eyes close. After taking a deep breath, I opened them and looked at Collin. “Can you please just tell me it’s fake so I’ll feel better about taking this from you?”

  “No.”

  “Who are you that you do this after only a month of dating? Are you secretly a prince or something?”

  His next laugh was louder, freer, and I found myself smiling at the sound of it.

  “As far as I know, my family just comes from old money.”

  I sat back in the carriage and slowly exhaled. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. “All of this—it’s so much. Too much . . . it’s crazy.”

  Collin looked at the horse and driver, then down to the red box in his hand. Again he shrugged. “Maybe one day it won’t seem like that to you.”

  My eyebrows rose at his implication, but I didn’t respond. Growing up, I’d had this fantasy of going away to college, and then meeting the person that I would marry sometime after. That’s how it had been for my parents, so I’d thought that was just how people did it. I was also so sure that twenty-year-old guys were ready for a good time, not looking to start long-term relationships. I had thought of Knox as the exception, and I’d always considered us lucky to have found each other early. Now to have Collin—who often had girls falling over themselves to talk to him—hint that he planned for our casual dating to turn into something more was sending a flurry of emotions through me.

  I was shocked and flattered, but guilt tore at me, and I felt another piece of my heart crumble as I wondered what had happened to the love I’d been so sure of.

  “Collin,” I said awhile later, “I’ve been dating you . . . I want to date you. You didn’t have to do this, you know. You don’t have to buy me.”

  “I’m not. I told you, maybe one day it won’t seem crazy to you.”

  “So this is the norm for you then?”

  He smirked and eyed me. “Only with girls I’m not willing to let go.”

  Present Day—Richland

  I SAT QUIETLY in the corner of the office, away from watchful eyes since I couldn’t seem to stop my uncontrollable shaking. It was Monday afternoon and I was waiting to see my OB, and somehow this appointment had turned into something more terrifying than my Saturday morning tests.

  I couldn’t stomach the thought of getting rid of a baby, but I also wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I brought a life into that house. I kept thinking I could just run away, and then I was positive that’s exactly what I was going to do . . . until I remembered the failed attempt before. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I was ready to scream, “I can’t have a baby!” to the next person who spoke to me.

  My purse vibrated, and my shaking paused for only a second before growing more intense . . . because I also had no idea what I was going to do about that. Seeing how I was holding my cell phone in my hand, I knew the cause of the vibration was Knox’s phone. Just before I’d left, I’d run out to the back porch to grab it, telling myself “Just in case,” but still hadn’t responded to the few messages he’d sent since Friday because I didn’t know what to say to him. I knew Knox was worrying and I didn’t want him to, but I felt like I’d betrayed him. How was I supposed to tell him I was pregnant?

  That thought made me roll my eyes for the hundredth time. It couldn’t be any more backward. Not knowing how to tell an old love that I was pregnant with my husband’s baby . . . but even before Knox fell back into my life, I’d felt like I still belonged to him, not Collin. So the guilt I felt over the current situation was making it so hard to let him know that I was fine . . . because I was the furthest thing from fine.

  Reaching into my purse, I pulled out the phone and opened up the texts.

  Friday

  Knox: Always.

  Knox: I’m at work until Sunday afternoon. But if you need me, I’m here.

  Yesterday

  Knox: I’ve never hated a weekend more. Keep yourself safe.

  Today

  Knox: Low . . . I’m pretty sure that week you “bought” is up. I won’t ask details, but I need to know that you’re okay.

  Looking at the time on the phone, I thought about how long I would have after this appointment before I needed to get to the grocery store and get home to cook dinner. As long as I was pregnant, Collin wouldn’t touch me, and Knox needed to know that I would be safe so he wasn’t constantly worrying about me. But this wasn’t something I could tell him through a text or over the phone. I’d already ruined him once with a phone call; I wasn’t about to do it again.

  Tapping out a message to him, I sent it and went back to shaking and trying to be invisible to the other women in the waiting room.

  Harlow: I’m fine. But I need to talk to you, it’s important. Can you meet me today?

  Less than a minute later, the secret phone was vibrating in my hand, but it wasn’t a message like I’d been expecting. I tapped the screen and brought the phone to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  Fall 2010—Walla Walla

  “ONE OF THESE days my roommate is going to come back when you’re in here and I’m going to be in so much trouble.”

  Collin laughed huskily and made a slow trail up my stomach with his lips. “Because I’m in your bed? Doubtful.”

  I pushed at his chest when he moved over me, but pulled him back to kiss me. “Because you’re naked in my bed,” I corrected against his mouth. “There’s a difference.”

  “Maybe she’ll enjoy the view,” he offered.

  I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

  “Kidding, Harlow.” With another lingering kiss, he pushed away from me and jumped off my bed. “As much as I want to stay in bed with you all afternoon, I need to go take a test.”

  I grumbled, but followed him off the bed and started grabbing my clothes when he did.

  Collin grabbed me from behind when I bent over to put my underwear back on, and pressed me against his chest. “Well, if you keep teasing me, maybe I’ll just take the F.”

  I laughed and elbowed him gently in the stomach. “I’m just getting dressed. And you’re too smart to fail a test! Get dressed so you can go.” I laughed again when he nipped at my neck, but my laughter ended with a gasp when Collin’s hand appeared in front of me. A deep red box with gold designs sat in the palm of his hand.

  “Collin,” I breathed, and shook my head.

  “Aren’t you going to open it?” he said laughing.

  I was still shaking my head as I reached for the box; my unsteady hands fumbled to open it. I sucked in another quick gasp when I looked at the necklace inside. “Collin, no. I can’t.”

  The necklace matched the bracelet currently hanging from my wrist. A thin chain led to a large, circle pendant with six diamonds lining the white gold. I’d looked up my bracelet on the Cartier website . . . it was more than two thousand dollars. This necklace had to be at least twice as much.

  “I can’t accept this.”

  “Yes, you can. Happy birthday.”

  “Collin, no.” I turned my head to catch his eyes, and tried to figure out how to tell him that these gifts he gave me were beyond outrageous. They were the kinds of gifts wealthy couples gave each other for wedding anniversaries—not college students as just because gifts. Again, what ever happened to flowers? Or just buying me a coffee? “Thank you . . . thank you so much for everything you have given me, but I can’t keep accepting these things. You’re spending so much mone
y on me, and we’ve only been dating a few months.”

  Collin nodded, and a slow smirk covered his face as he moved my hand away from where it was hovering over the necklace. I turned to look at what he was doing when his eyes focused on the action, and watched as he flipped over the necklace.

  LOVE was engraved along the bottom, just as it was on my bracelet. On top, the engraving was something I knew didn’t come standard with this necklace: C&H.

  All the air in my lungs left in a rush as I understood what he was implying this time with this piece of the Cartier Love collection. Could I be in love with Collin?

  “As always, Harlow, a simple ‘thank you’ would’ve been fine,” he teased.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  My skin tingled where his hands trailed over my neck as he placed the necklace on me, and a burst of fluttering wings took residence in my stomach when his lips brushed across my shoulder.

  I might not be in love with Collin Doherty, but I was falling . . . fast.

  Even though his gifts were too much, he was always quick to give them to me, as if I deserved them and more. Even though we hadn’t been together long, he treated me like I was his everything—so much so that I’d never worried that one day I wouldn’t be. On the night I’d offered him me, he hadn’t stopped us . . . he hadn’t turned me down. He’d taken me, worshipped me, and made me feel like I was something precious.

  I looked up to watch him walk over to gather his clothes, and couldn’t stop the smile that crossed my face. Definitely falling, I thought to myself, and went to grab my phone when it began ringing.

  Without looking to see who was calling, I answered, “Hello?”

  “Happy birthday, Low. I waited for you.”

  The instant his voice filtered through the phone, my body stilled and warmed at the same time. My breath came out in a soft, audible huff and my eyes shut as hundreds of welcome memories flooded my mind.

  I didn’t have to look at the screen to know it was Knox who was calling. I would know that voice anywhere, and I should have been expecting his call. Not just his call. This call. We’d been preparing for and talking about this call for two and a half years now.