To the Stars

by Molly McAdams

  “I want to know,” I assured her.

  “It will only hurt you mo—”

  “Harlow.”

  She sighed, and her eyes drifted to the side, like she was remembering things from those years apart. “I always wondered. I dream of you most nights, and it started right after that phone call on my eighteenth birthday. I’d wake up in the middle of the night from the dreams crying, and would cry until I fell asleep again. But I kept telling myself that I was in love with Collin—well, I was in love with Collin. I think I told myself I wasn’t in love with you anymore because I knew you weren’t in love with me.” Her head shook once. “The day he asked me to marry him was when I first thought I’d made the wrong choice.

  “When he asked, I had this flashback to the night you told me you were going to marry me—that night we planned our whole future—and all I could see was you when I told him ‘yes.’ Collin started changing that night. Just subtle things, but I think I just loved him enough that I kept excusing what he did, or making myself believe that it hadn’t really happened. Then somehow time kept passing. Right before the wedding, every time I woke from a dream of you, I had this deep sense of longing and loss. That’s when I knew that I’d chosen the wrong man. But it didn’t matter; it was too late for us. Too much time had passed, and I was getting married to a man I loved, even if I could never love him the way I loved you. I just kept telling myself that even if I had chosen you, so much had changed and there had been so much heartbreak in those months after I’d left that we never would’ve been able to go back to how we had been.”

  “It never would’ve been too late for us,” I insisted.

  Harlow looked at me sadly, and the hand on my cheek curled. “I know that now.”

  Harlow

  Fall 2012—Richland

  “OH, HARLOW.”

  I turned and caught sight of my dad in the doorway my mom and sisters had just walked out of.

  “You look . . .” He trailed off and shook his head once. His chin quivered, and my eyes widened.

  “No, no! Please don’t cry, Daddy! If you cry I’m going to ruin my makeup because you know I won’t be able to hold it in. Please don’t cry.”

  “I’m not,” he said gruffly, and cleared his throat. After taking a second to look around the room to gather himself, he faced me again with a proud smile. “You look beautiful.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I whispered, and ran my shaking hands over my wedding dress.

  “It’s about that time; are you ready?”

  I let out a slow breath and smiled up at him. Even after swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I still couldn’t voice a word, so I nodded instead and grabbed my bouquet.

  “Now, if you’re not, we can still call this whole thing off and I won’t think less of you. But I asked Hayley the same question before she got married, and I will ask Hadley, too. Are you sure you’re making the right choice?”

  I felt his question like a punch to my stomach. It had to be a normal question, right? Yet it felt like it meant so much more, because I wasn’t sure. I was sure I loved Collin, but I knew I could never love him as much as I was capable of loving someone. Because I had loved someone with all that I am. I still loved that person with everything in me, and while I knew firsthand that you could love two men at the same time, you couldn’t love them equally. One might have your heart, but the other would have your soul—Knox Alexander would always have my soul.

  So was I making the right choice? Maybe today, but I would always live with the knowledge that two years ago, I didn’t.

  Before I could respond, my dad laughed lightly, like he’d amused himself. “What am I saying? Of course you’re sure you’re making the right choice; otherwise it would’ve been a different man waiting in the church for you.”

  My brow pinched in confusion. “What? Dad, what are you talking about?”

  He waved off my question. “Nothing, nothing. Are you ready?”

  “No, tell me. What were you talking about?” I asked, and smiled reassuringly, hoping it would encourage him to tell me.

  Dad debated with himself for a second, then finally said, “Well, a couple years ago, we all thought you would’ve married that Alexander boy.”

  Knox, I thought . . . or maybe screamed. I just knew my knees were barely holding me anymore.

  “When he came to me before you left for school asking if he could marry you, I didn’t know what to say. I mean you weren’t even eighteen yet, but I also didn’t think I could keep the two of you apart.”

  I wasn’t sure how I was still standing. My body felt weighed down, but at the same time I was sure I was having an out-of-body experience. He’d asked for permission to marry me?

  “I told him he could ask you once you were of age, but there were conditions. I wanted you to graduate first, and I wanted him to give you some space before then. I wanted you to be able to experience life without Knox always in the background. I told him if he promised to do that and kept my wishes, and after those months if you decided he was still what you wanted, then he could ask you.” Dad shrugged and a wide grin crossed his face, like he hadn’t just thrown my entire world on its side. “Next thing we know, you’re with Collin and never mention Knox again. I figure if anyone could take you from that Alexander boy, then you would have to be sure of him. And we really couldn’t be happier with Collin; your mother and I just think the world of him. I wish you would’ve waited to marry him until you graduated, but I know I don’t always get what I wish for, and you really did find a good one.”

  I tried to smile and nod in acknowledgment, but I don’t know if I succeeded.

  “It eases a father’s worry to know his daughter is loved and will be well cared for. Now, what do you say we start this thing?” he asked, oblivious to the devastation I was feeling.

  “Uh, yeah, I just need one minute, Dad. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

  His carefree smile suddenly slipped, and his brow furrowed.

  “I just realized I forgot to put my garter on,” I lied quickly. “Really, I’ll be right out.”

  He made a face that suggested he would’ve preferred not knowing, and turned to leave the room I was in.

  The second the door shut, the pained cry I’d been holding back burst from my chest. The room spun and my stomach churned as my dad’s words replayed in my mind, as if they were taunting me.

  Experience life without Knox always in the background.

  If he promised to do that and kept my wishes . . . he could ask you.

  Experience life without Knox always in the background.

  If he promised to do that and kept my wishes . . . he could ask you.

  Guilt flooded my veins, burning and choking me as it surged through me.

  Knox had waited for me.

  I hadn’t waited for him . . . and now it was too late.

  Knox

  Present Day—Richland

  HARLOW’S FINGERS MOVED down my cheek and traced over my lips when she finished telling me the story. “I’ve never hated myself more than I did in that moment. Guilt felt like a living thing inside me. Then Collin and I got married, and I met my monster for the first time that night. I quickly found out there was nothing left of Collin to love.”

  I grabbed her hand in mine and turned my head to kiss her palm. “I’m taking you away from him,” I mumbled against her skin.

  She sighed, like my words had just put a weight on her. “You can’t.”

  “I can, and I am.”

  “Knox, you don’t understand what he’ll do.”

  “No, I do,” I disagreed, and my eyes fell to her right cheek, which was still slightly red from where he’d hit her earlier. “You made a decision today when you texted me. You knew he might see it, and you did it anyway. Before today, you never would’ve let me in this house because you would’ve been too scared for him to find me here, or find out about it.”

  Her eyes fell away from mine, but I knew she couldn’t deny it.

  �
��You made a decision when you let me make you mine. After that, you can’t expect me to ever let you go.” I tilted her head up until she was looking at me, then continued talking. “You also told me before that you wouldn’t tell me what happened between you two, unless you were ready to leave.”

  “But, Knox—”

  “You told me yourself that he’s changing, and if he’s getting careless enough to do what he’s done this week, then not only am I not letting you go, but there’s no way I’m leaving you with him for another day.”

  Harlow’s head was shaking before I finished speaking. “After running into you that day in the coffee shop,” she said, “I would’ve done anything to have you take me away right then. I still would give and do anything to have you take me away.” Her next smile looked pained, but her eyes were distant. “Collin had me found just inside Oregon and arrested on a false charge when I tried to run from him. That’s why I’m trying to tell you that you can’t take me. He will find me, and he will bring me back. But that’s the least of my worries. I told you; he threatens my family. He had someone set fire to a house they were in the night I tried to leave. He went after Hadley with his gun one night when she was here, but I got her out before she noticed, and he killed my dog because I did get her out.”

  My eyes were wide with shock and disgust, but before I could comment on everything, it hit me. “Where does he keep his gun?”

  “You think I haven’t tried to find it? I’m here all day, almost every day. I clean the house from top to bottom. I look for hidden places, too; I have yet to find anything.” She rolled her eyes as she said, “I mean, Collin thought I was trying to poison him with salt today. I don’t think he’d leave a gun somewhere where I could find it.”

  “That is not funny,” I said with a growl.

  Her face softened. “I’m sorry.”

  Seconds passed before I once again vowed, “I’m getting you away from him. Today, Harlow. We’ll call your family; we’ll figure something out. I’ll keep you safe, I’ll figure out a way to keep them all safe.” I didn’t try to hide the urgency in my tone. She needed to know how serious I was; she needed to know that I meant right now, not sometime in the future. “Go and pack whatever you need; whatever you don’t get I’ll take care of—”

  Her hands went back to cradle my face, and her thumbs brushed across my lips in a way to stop me from talking—and somehow it worked. I knew she wasn’t going to agree. I knew, and it was frustrating me as much as it was making me panic. “I love you,” she said simply.

  “Harlow . . .”

  “I’ve always loved you, Knox, and I will always love you; but I can’t lea—”

  “Yes, you can!”

  “I can’t!”

  “Then tell me what this was,” I demanded as I pulled away from her and got off the bed. My voice rose as I took a few steps away, then turned to look at her again. “Tell me why you just gave yourself to me after seven goddamn years, Harlow!”

  She pushed herself up with one arm, and her face showed how much all this hurt her—but it was hurting me more.

  I continued when she opened her mouth to respond. “Was it some goodbye? Did you want to see what we would be like together since I wouldn’t touch you before? To see what you’d given up?” I sneered, and she exhaled heavily, like I’d punched her.

  “Knox.” My name was barely audible, but her tone told me everything.

  I already knew that had been low; I’d known it the second it had left my mouth—but I hadn’t been able to stop it. “I told you, you made a decision today,” I began again, though this time the anger was fading from each word. “I know you, Harlow, and you know me. You know I would never be okay with only having a portion of you, and I know you would never ask me to do that. What we did before, we did because I knew I would have all of you one day. What we did today, we did because I know I have all of you. And now that I do, you can’t try to take part of you away again.”

  Tears had been steadily falling down her cheeks since I’d gotten off the bed, but at my last words a muffled sob left her, and she dropped her head so I couldn’t see her face anymore. “I did make a decision today,” she whispered when I knelt onto the bed and pulled her into my arms. “But it’s not the one you think I did, and it’s not the one I wish I could have.”

  My body tensed, but I remained quiet.

  “I made a decision to love you—completely—for the rest of my life.”

  In any other situation, those words would have made me happier than I could begin to describe . . . but not now. The way her voice broke on the last few words told me exactly what she meant, and told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear.

  She’d already hinted that with Collin’s unpredictable behavior, she didn’t think she had long to live. So Harlow was giving herself to me the only way she could until the day came where Collin didn’t stop himself.

  And I wasn’t going to accept that.

  “You just said that you would do anything to have me take you away.” I tried to hold some type of accusation in my tone, but my words were shaky and sounded defeated.

  “I would, Knox. If my fam—” She broke off and inhaled audibly. “Collin.”

  “What?”

  “He’s home!” she hissed, and looked around wildly.

  “How do you know?” I asked as I jumped off the bed and began grabbing clothes off the floor. I tossed Harlow’s in her direction as I came across them.

  “His car is in the driveway.”

  I stood quickly from where I was pulling on my boxer briefs and looked toward the window—the curtains were closed.

  Before I could ask, she answered: “It’s like he’s trained me to be terrified of the sound of his car on our driveway; I couldn’t miss the sound of it even if I tried.” She pulled her shirt over her head and immediately began tidying the bed. “Oh God, oh God, oh God! Why is he coming home early?” she whispered to herself. “He never does this, why does he keep doing this?”

  As soon as I was dressed, I pulled her away from the bed and into my arms. I cut off her harried whispering with my mouth, and even though her body was tense at first, it quickly melted against mine until we heard the key in the lock.

  “You have to go!” she said, but I knew in her hopeless expression that there was no way I was getting out of there without her husband knowing about it.

  “I’m a firefighter, Low. I can just climb out the window,” I suggested.

  “No!” she said too loudly, and began pushing me toward the closet in the room. “All the windows have alarms on them. If you open one, it’ll chime throughout the house. Just—”

  “Harlow!” Collin yelled, and her body seemed to crumple while remaining upright.

  “We have his parents’ anniversary dinner tonight, it’s hours away, but you’ll be—”

  “Harlow?” Collin called out again, his voice sounding farther away, but more aggravated.

  My eyes narrowed and my body prepared to fight.

  “Please,” Harlow whispered. “Don’t.”

  With that she turned and walked calmly out of the room, and I strained to hear every sound, and every word.

  Chapter 16

  Harlow

  Present Day—Richland

  COLLIN WALKED INTO the living room at the same time I walked out of the hallway. Thankfully he’d missed what room I’d come from.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he snapped, and my head jerked back.

  I blinked slowly, and prayed to whoever was listening that my shaking wasn’t as bad as I feared it was. I needed to make this look convincing. Forcing my body to move slowly, I looked behind me, then back to Collin. “I—what time? I fell asleep after my shower . . .” I let my eyes widen and my breathing deepen, and hoped that my fear of my husband finding Knox in the house showed well enough like the way my fear of Collin usually did. “Oh—I’m so sorry; I can’t believe I slept so long. I-I-I’ll be ready so soon, I—”

  “It’s only one P.M.,
Harlow.”

  I knew I still had a part to play, I knew I needed to make him think something . . . but at that moment I couldn’t remember what, because I’d just noticed his eyes. Lifeless. He was now coming home early because of my monster.

  “Collin,” I whispered as he inched closer.

  “You know, I was at work and there was just something about this morning that I couldn’t stop thinking about.” He moved a couple of steps closer, and I finally figured out how to move back, but he quickened his pace as he continued speaking. “Do you know what it was?”

  I shook my head hastily and my body jerked when I backed into the wall.

  “Guess, Harlow.”

  “Um, you . . . I don’t—um. You didn’t eat. I didn’t make you anything else that you could to take with you and you didn’t eat breakfast?” I sputtered out quickly.

  “No, but close.” He waited until his body was pressed against mine and he was looking down at me before he spoke again. “You threw up.”

  If I wasn’t so worried about what he was about to do—not only for me, but because I knew Knox would try to interfere—I would have given him a questioning look. As it was, I stood there breathing shallowly, trying to figure out where this was going. “Y-yes,” I said, but it sounded more like a question.

  “I know you don’t like eggs, but you didn’t have a reason to throw them up, unless you did in fact poison them. Why else would you need them out of your body so quickly?”

  No. No, no, not this again. My voice was barely above a whisper when I said, “Collin, no.”

  “What did you put in the salt shaker?”

  “Salt, Collin, I told you. I will go make something else and eat it all if it will convince you!”

  A wicked smile pulled at his lips; the look on his face said it was too little, too late.

  I shook uncontrollably as I waited for something . . . anything. But instead of what I was used to, or any of the new things, he tilted his head to the side and all the blood drained from my head when he asked, “How’s Hadley?”

  My body instantly swayed, but he was standing close enough that I didn’t go far. “No. No,” I whimpered. “Please, no. It was salt; I swear to you it was salt. Don’t touch my sister!” I begged.