Goblins Wear Suits

by K. M. Shea

  “That’s culinary arts, and you’re welcome,” Fran said, yanking her gloves off. “What happened?”

  “It was a tough weekend at work,” I said. “And I didn’t get to sleep enough.”

  Aysel had assigned the equivalent of a fairy swat team to babysit me Saturday and Sunday since my bodyguard rotation wasn’t ironed out quite yet. Unfortunately my youngest brother, Odie, had a cold. Whenever he sneezed at night the fairies busted through my windows, moving in synchronized, flying formations—like colored sparklers. It didn’t make for a restful night. “You’re grinning like an idiot. I assume you went on another date with Ethan?”

  Fran blushed and hugged her backpack to her chest. “Yes.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “We went ice skating.”

  “That’s fun. What ice rink did you go to?”

  “We were outside—on the pond over by Dudly’s Ice Cream Parlor.”

  “Outside? Is Ethan crazy? It was in the single digits this weekend!” I said.

  “Yeah, and the wind was blowing really hard so we couldn’t talk while we skated either. Ethan was so bundled up he looked like a marshmallow.”

  “But you still had fun,” I said, studying Fran’s face.

  Fran reluctantly nodded. “I laughed a lot.”

  “Hmm,” I grunted, not entirely satisfied. “Next time he needs to let you plan the date. When do I get to meet him anyway?”

  “Whenever you’re free,” Fran said.

  “Okay,” I said, thinking.

  “So that will be never. Good morning, Fran,” Hunter said just over my shoulder.

  I froze in self defense. Hunter’s voice was icy cold—apparently Harrison had made a full report.

  “Hi, Hunter,” Fran said. She hadn’t forgotten his name since he served on the yearbook committee, to Hunter’s horror—as a goblin he prizes anonymity and uses his powers of persuasion to make people overlook him.

  I turned around to face my certain doom. “Heeeeey,” I said.

  Hunter raised an eyebrow at me.

  “How ya doin’?” I added. Harrison alone had trailed my car this morning. Perhaps Hunter wasn’t planning to stick more goblins on me?

  “I am not pleased,” Hunter said.

  “Don’t blame Krusher. It wasn’t his fault,” I said.

  “Krusher?” Fran asked, putting her hand on her hip.

  “I don’t blame him, but I am still not pleased.”

  “I hate to break it to you, but life is not always going to please you,” I said.

  “She’s right, you know,” Fran chorused. She was in too good of a mood to be rebuffed by Hunter’s brisk disposition. “Life is full of disappointments.”

  Hunter turned to stare Fran down.

  “By the way, the senior student council needs their photo taken for the yearbook. I know you’re not on the committee anymore, but you were the only one of the staff photographers who could take a decent photo. Could you come in and take ours again?” Fran hopefully asked.

  Hunter narrowed his eyes. “You were speaking of your new boyfriend, yes? Did—,” I cut Hunter off, slapping my hands over his mouth.

  “Whoa there. What’s that, Hunter? You would be delighted to take the student council’s photo?” I said before leaning in and whispering to Hunter. “Play nice, or else.”

  “Your threats leave much to be desired,” Hunter said, his lips brushing the palm of my hand.

  “You wouldn’t have said that last year after yearbook class,” I said.

  “Speaking of which, how are you enjoying home economics?”

  “It’s culinary arts!”

  Fran cocked her head as she watched our discourse. She stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth like a painter studying a masterpiece before she said, “So why don’t you date Hunter, Morgan?”

  My face went stiff like plaster. “What.”

  “He’s hot—even though his wardrobe is a little stiff—he’s totally rich, and you guys get along!”

  I impersonated a statue, but Hunter backed away from my hand, a suave smile folded on his lips. “I will ignore the wardrobe comment, but otherwise I agree entirely with you, Fran. Unfortunately, Morgan isn’t so willing.”

  “That’s too bad. Why not, Morgan?” Fran asked.

  “Uhh, why not?” I said, my mind scrambling for an answer. Why didn’t I date Hunter? Well the fact that he was a goblin mob boss was pretty off putting. But it was more than that.

  I was annoyed at Fran for thrusting this upon me. I had scuttled the idea of dating by throwing myself into work, but Hunter always made it clear he was perfectly willing to have a monopoly on me. Fran was asking a question that was way more loaded than she knew.

  “Aren’t you two close?” Fran asked.

  “Yeah, but,” I stammered. “Hunter isn’t dating material,” I finally blurted out.

  Fran gasped, Hunter blinked.

  “Ouch,” the goblin king said.

  “No, you’re misunderstanding me,” I said. “Hunter is like…my best friend.”

  “Excuse me,” Fran frowned.

  I groaned. “You two won’t let me finish. How’s this: If Hunter had to move halfway across the globe, and ten years from now we met, we could pick up right where we left off and be friends.”

  “So you’re saying I’m convenient?” Hunter said, his voice sarcastic.

  “No, I’m saying you’re irreplaceable, like Fran,” I said.

  “So, it’s like a bromance. He’s like in the fellowship of the ring with you, or he’s Ron to your Harry of Harry Potter,” Fran said, warming to the idea.

  “No way, you’re my Ron. He’s Hermione,” I said.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Hunter said.

  “I’m not marrying him,” Fran said.

  “That’s acceptable,” I said before turning to face Hunter, who was still frowning. “But none of those give the right picture. Fran is my best friend, but, Hunter, you’re more than a normal friend, you’re a companion. We fight together, we work together, we live together.”

  There were things Hunter knew about me that Fran never would. Hunter and I experienced the magical community together. Yeah, we were with separate factions, but I always knew Hunter would be on my side, and I would be on his. Our friendship was too deep to fracture with romance.

  Not to mention he would probably be a totally controlling boyfriend, which is not a trait I find attractive.

  “Like Achilles and Patroclus,” Hunter said, slamming me with his topaz colored gaze.

  “Sure,” I said. I had no idea who Patroclus was, but I recognized Achilles as a Greek hero.

  Fran looked back and forth between us. She must have sensed there was something we weren’t saying, but she didn’t mention it.

  Hunter sighed. “I’ve been publically rejected.”

  I tried laughing it off, but I suspected he was being truthful.

  “You’re also too controlling for Morgan,” Fran said. “Our girl can’t be micromanaged, like all your books talk about,” Fran said, giving Hunter’s backpack a meaningful look.

  “So I’ve learned—and not through lack of trying,” Hunter dryly said before eyeing me. “This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. There will still be repercussions for this weekend.”

  “You said you weren’t blaming Krusher.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Then you’re blaming me?”

  Hunter rolled his eyes. “Why would I blame you for something that is out of your control?”

  “I don’t know, but you said there would be repercussions.”

  “I did. I thought it would be a kindness to warn you,” Hunter said.

  “So, Morgan, is this Krusher guy an option, or what?” Fran whispered, joining our huddle.

  Hunter and I hastily backed away from each other.

  “It’s just a work thing,” I said.

  “Uh-huh,” Fran said, sounding totally unconvinced. “Yeah, whatever. So Hunte
r, will you take the pictures?”

  Hunter sighed. “During our lunch break assemble everyone in the auditorium,” he said before turning to me. “We will discuss this later.”

  “Okay,” I meekly said.

  Hunter turned and strode up the hallway, flicking his sunglasses back on as he walked.

  “Yeah, it’s just as well you aren’t dating him. I bet he comes with baggage,” Fran said, folding her arms across her chest as she watched our classmate leave.

  I snorted. “More than you know.”

  By Wednesday afternoon, Hunter’s warned repercussions hadn’t kicked in—at least not where I could notice.

  Harrison still trailed me as I entered the MBRC’s cafeteria and looked for Kadri. In spite of the museum uproar, the high elf asked me to keep our coffee date. I was curious. It was unusual for Kadri to ask to speak to me alone. I had no idea what she wanted to discuss.

  “Morgan!” Kadri called. The copper haired beauty was seated at a table for two, a steaming mug of coffee in front of her.

  “Hello, Kadri,” I said, strolling up to her.

  “Thanks for meeting with me. What can I get you?”

  “I can grab it, thanks. Is the cappuccino machine still operational?”

  “To my knowledge, yes.”

  “Okay. I’ll be right back,” I said, strolling over to the machines. I waved my employee ID card at the cookie elf that was adding stacks of scones to a table before selecting two mugs. I filled one with black, decaf coffee, and the other with a French vanilla cappuccino. I placed the decaf coffee on a table two places away from Kadri’s and mine before I slid into my chair and took my first sip of the cappuccino.

  Mmmm. Heaven!

  “So what’s up?” I asked Kadri.

  Kadri visibly brightened. “I recognize that vocabulary. You mean to ask me what I am doing?”

  “Right. But in this case I’m more curious about the reason for this meeting.”

  “I know you and Asahi are very close. You’ve been a wonderful mentor to him.”

  “That’s very kind of you to say.”

  “And I would go so far as to think that you and I, perhaps, share a close bond too?” Kadri asked, looking at me with soulful eyes—like a puppy.

  “Of course!” I said, taken in by her cuteness.

  “But, would I be overstepping the boundaries of our friendship if I asked for assistance?” Kadri asked, twisting a napkin in her hands.

  “Not at all. What do you need help with? Extra tutoring? Career counseling?” I asked before taking a sip of my cappuccino.

  Kadri wasted no time in replying. “I was wondering if you would ask Asahi why he won’t marry me.”

  I spat out my drink, spraying the tiled floor. “WHAT?” I said.

  Two tables behind me a chair scraped.

  I waved a hand, signaling to Harrison all was fine. He returned to his seat and his black coffee.

  Kadri leaned across the table and confessed. “Asahi hasn’t further pressed our relationship. By this time most elves would have committed or parted. He has done neither.”

  “So you want me to gang press him into asking you?” I asked, still stunned.

  Kadri shook her head. “No,”

  “But…what? Sorry, you’ll need to start from the top,” I said.

  “The normal courting period for an elf is…much shorter than the length that Asahi and I have been together.”

  “So you’re taking things at your own speed,” I said, tossing a few napkins on the ground and moving them around with my foot to soak up my sprayed cappuccino.

  “Perhaps,” Kadri said, tapping a finger on the rim of her mug. “But I fear it is something else.”

  “Like? Is it Aysel? I will totally punch out Aysel for you,” I said, quickly warming to the idea. “Or even better, do you think it’s his dad? We could jump him.”

  “No, I do not think his family objects to our relationship. My parents are noble, honorable high elves. There is nothing that makes me undesirable in their eyes—although Administrator Moonspell has mentioned he wishes Asahi and I were not so focused on human knowledge and studied elven arts as arduously.”

  “So what is it?”

  Kadri shook her head. “I am not certain. He seems content enough…but,” Kadri hesitated. “I love him.”

  “You aren’t happy just courting him?”

  Kadri hesitated. “I’ve received a job offer from a rehabilitation center in California,” she said.

  “Wow. Kadri, that’s awesome! Congratulations!” I said.

  Kadri smiled weakly.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Asahi will not leave Chicago,” she said.

  “So he’s making you choose between your career and your relationship?” I said, my eyes narrowing in anger. I thought I had taught Asahi to behave better than that. “Frankly, Kadri, it sounds like he’s acting like Aysel. In which case I question why you want to marry him.”

  “No, no. It’s not that at all,” Kadri said. She thought for a moment, searching for the right words. “When elves marry, it is merging two into one. It brings their souls together. With our extended life and linked souls, it is not unusual for married couples to spend decades apart. The union allows them to be close in spite of the physical distance between the two.”

  “And you want that,” I guessed.

  “I have chosen Asahi,” Kadri said. “If he does not seek marriage with me, then I must release him and continue with my life, alone for eternity.”

  Wow, that sounded really depressing and final. But I wasn’t that worried, because I knew Asahi was head over heels for Kadri. “I guess that makes sense. But I don’t get why you want my help,” I said.

  “Asahi thinks the world of you,” Kadri said, as though this were obvious. (In my defense, Asahi thinks the world of most people.) “I hoped you, perhaps, might speak with him and see if there is a reason for his hesitation.”

  “That seems logical. So…what do we do next? How am I supposed to talk to him about it?”

  “You could ask.”

  “You mean I should just prance up to him and say ‘hey, Asahi. I was wondering why you haven’t asked Kadri to marry you yet? She’s a great girl and time is a-wasting’?” I said.

  Kadri nodded.

  “…seriously?” I said.

  “Many magical beings have asked us why our courtship is so extended,” Kadri said.

  “Extended? You’ve been dating for two years! For crying out loud—people should mind their own business and leave you alone to date as long as you want,” I said. “So what does Asahi say when people ask him?”

  “He laughs.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you think he will react differently to me asking such a blatantly nosy question?”

  “I do.”

  I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “Gosh. Okay. I guess I’ll try it. Yenta isn’t really in my job description, so this might backfire.”

  “I am not asking too much?” Kadri asked her eyes large and liquid as she batted her lovely eyelashes at me.

  “No, this will be the easiest thing on my to-do list. It’s just going to be really awkward,” I said. “So I’m supposed to give him what for, and then we’ll meet up again and make further plans from there?”

  “If it’s not too much trouble.”

  “Nah. I’ll catch him after class on Friday. Will that be soon enough?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’m assuming this courtship-questioning was what you wanted to talk about?”

  Kadri nodded. “Yes.”

  “Then is it okay if I head out? I hate to run on you, but I’ve got an appointment with Doctor Creamintin and a siren,” I said, downing the last of my drink.

  “Absolutely. Thank you for meeting with me today.” Kadri said as she stood and bowed. “I cannot thank you enough, Morgan.”

  I leaped to my feet. “No, no. The pleasure is all mine. Sorta.”

/>   Behind me Harrison cleared his throat.

  “Right, I’ve got to go. Take care, Kadri. I’ll be in touch,” I said.

  “I wish you well,” the high elf said.

  “Thanks,” I said, taking my mug and heading for the counter to drop off my used mug. I waved to Kadri before making my exit from the cafeteria. “I’ll need it.”

  “Thank you for your help, Morgan,” Doctor Creamintin said, sinking into his padded office chair with a satisfied sigh. “I tried explaining to her that pop star wasn’t a viable career for a rehabilitated siren, but she accused me of having the pop culture knowledge of a minotaur,” the good doctor said, his sharp frown accented by his white beard. The man was a shoe-in for Merlin, should he ever hit the streets of Hollywood.

  “I can’t take much credit,” I said. “The photos of drugged up divas seem to be what really changed her mind.”

  “Indeed. Ah—before I forget,” Doctor Creamintin said, spinning his chair to face a filing cabinet. He dug out a thick file and tossed it on his desk. “I looked into the dwarven job status, as you requested.”

  “Already? Awesome! What did you find?”

  “Grogrintork did not lie to you. The MBRC has less than ten dwarf employees. None of them have consultant status; all are considered blue collar workers.”

  “And the liaisons?”

  Doctor Creamintin shook his head. “None. Dwarves are welcomed—somewhat belatedly—to use the MBRC facilities and join classes, but as they have no clan contact or liaison they receive old information. Often they are not told of course offerings and rehabilitation opportunities until the sign up deadlines are over.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Do they donate to the center?” I asked.

  “They do,” Doctor Creamintin said. He adjusted his eyeglasses before ruffling through the papers. “They are not as generous as your cyclops friends, but they manage a tidy sum,” he said, handing a paper over to me.

  I looked at the amount and whistled. “A tidy sum? That’s the cafeteria’s operating budget for a year. In what universe is it not generous?”

  “The dwarves are wealthy thanks to the natural resources they posses. Many of them are miners and jewelers by trade. Typically they work with human wizards or cyclopes to sell their products in human markets. Additionally, they’re one of the few races that can bespell jewelry.”