No Kitten Around

by R. J. Blain

  To teach me the disadvantages of being on the ground, Samantha slapped my back with the flat of her wooden sword.

  From my prone position at her feet, I got a good look at her bare ankles; her lack of socks startled me, but then she gave me the best leverage and took a step closer, putting her in range of my teeth. While our bargain implied using a sword, she liked to claim we needed to use every weapon in our arsenal.

  Teeth counted as weapons, especially to an elf. With nothing left to lose, I bit her ankle as hard as I could.

  I made Samantha bleed, and she abandoned her patience and laid into me with her wooden sword like she meant it. Something changed in her, and I recognized the moment I shifted from student to prey.

  In the future, assuming I had much of one, I needed to remember to think my plans through before implementing them. With only a piece of wood with a hilt coming between me and a quick death, I clutched the sword and hoped it would be enough. I doubted it.

  Only a fool provoked an elf. It was right in the CDC’s entry on elves. Running from elves stirred their desire to hunt. Challenging an elf needed to be classified as suicide. Biting one?

  Biting one needed to be put on the ‘never do again’ list.

  Samantha chased me around the yard, through the trees, and ultimately pinned me against the cabin after demonstrating she was faster and more agile than me.

  “You. Bit. Me.”

  Yep, I’d infuriated the elf, and I thought I’d done well fending off her attempts to end my life. “You wanted me to attack you. I did!”

  “I meant with your sword.”

  “But your ankle was near my teeth.”

  “I’m going to offer you a reward for being audacious enough to actually bite me. But, as you were incapable of landing a legitimate hit on me with your sword, you belong to me for two weeks starting tomorrow. Get cleaned up and get some sleep. I will think about ways to suitably punish you.”

  After having witnessed the fury in her eyes, I decided against testing my luck and her patience, retreating to the safety of the cabin to keep Kennedy company.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Hell came in many forms, and chopping wood wasn’t sufficient penance for biting an elf. When awake, only the bathroom provided any sanctuary from Samantha’s quest for revenge. She found delight in launching sneak attacks, and she only offered rewards—such as they were—when I put up an acceptable fight.

  Everything went tolerably well until Kennedy joined forces with Samantha with her wooden Japanese death scythe.

  A wise man hauled ass when two women were out for his blood, although I had some faith Kennedy wanted me alive. I ran, they chased, I fought off their attempts to beat me black and blue, and I plotted how to escape their efforts to beat self-defense into me.

  To add insult to injury, I was fairly certain Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds found my suffering entertaining, and the poorly named Puppy, Savior of Worlds didn’t care a single iota. Kennedy gave the spoiled rotten corgi a chew toy each morning, and I couldn’t compete with his chew toy, not even when I evaded two of the world’s most dangerous beings.

  Proposing to Kennedy took a temporary second place to an uninterrupted night of sleep, as nothing spoiled my night more than an elf doing her best to rid the Earth of me. If her goal was to teach me how to survive potential assassination attempts, I thought I did rather well.

  It didn’t help me land a legitimate hit on her, but I never forgot I’d bitten her once. If I could catch her off guard and bite her, striking her with my sword wasn’t outside of the realm of possibility. How could I hit her when she danced around me with one eye closed and yawning? Adding Kennedy to the mix hadn’t improved my odds any.

  “Reed, you can’t run forever,” Kennedy complained.

  “Maybe if you hadn’t joined forces with the elf, I wouldn’t be running,” I countered, making certain I kept track of both women. If I could get Kennedy away from Samantha, I’d be tempted to blurt a terrible proposal so she’d know I wanted to marry her before they managed to kill me. “And don’t you even try to look innocent. You could at least try to stop her from ambushing me in bed.”

  “She leaves me alone. Why lose sleep? Maybe if you’d beat on her like you mean it already, you could get uninterrupted sleep. I’m sleeping just fine.”

  “They should put your photograph besides cruel in the dictionary.”

  “I think that honor belongs to Sammy.”

  “No, she already has dibs on terrifying, relentless, and asshole.”

  The elf chuckled and stalked closer. “You’re only terrified of how much it’ll hurt when I get a hold of you.”

  “That’s because I’m a rational sentient with a strong dislike of pain.”

  “You could just fight her like you mean it, Reed.”

  “What makes you think I’m not?”

  Kennedy halted, put her hands on her hips, and leveled her worst glare at me. “Because I’m not an idiot and am well aware you’re terrified you’ll accidentally hurt her. No, worse. You’re afraid you’ll kill her. She’s taught me enough to see you’re pulling every single hit you try, especially if it’s aimed at me. I get it. You’re not going to overcome that obstacle overnight, but you need to. If that angel wants you dead like Sammy thinks, she’s not going to hesitate. The same goes with that devil with those damned delayed contracts you keep fretting over. The only good thing about that devil is he probably won’t do anything to you directly unless cornered. The angel will. Right, Sammy?”

  “Right. If you stop pulling your blows, you’ll do just fine. You’ve gotten close a few times, but you need to accept someone might get hurt. Someone might even get killed. That angel? The whole point of doing this is if that angel tries to kill you, you kill her first. That’s what all this is for. It’s either you or her. I’d rather it be you. I hate angels who think it’s perfectly acceptable to build someone up to crush them so they appease their twisted sense of guilt. If you hurt me, you’ve done your job. If you kill me, there is no better end for a teacher to have finally taught a student capable of the deed. I am an elf, Reed. If I were easy to kill, I’d already be dead. You’re fighting centuries of experience. Look at you now.”

  I frowned. “What?”

  “You haven’t hit me, but you’re able to fight me. I come for you, you deflect my blows. Did you think I still hold back?”

  “Actually, yes.” My eyes widened. “You’re not holding back?”

  “Only enough to avoid killing you when I’m beating a new set of bruises into you. That’s the relationship between a teacher and student among elves. I do my best not to kill you. You do your best to kill me. Should you succeed, you have done well for yourself. It’s a badge of honor among elves. You have nothing to fear from my death. My death would become your pride. Perhaps my approach is wrong.” Samantha sighed. “It is not the nature of elves to mend minds. We break bodies—and we heal bodies so we can break them again. But consider this: would you have changed anything when you’d saved that girl at the cost of another’s life?”

  “No, I wouldn’t have.”

  “Everything you learn here serves one purpose.”

  “What purpose?”

  “To kill only those you mean to kill. Your sight didn’t lead you astray. You did many a favor ridding the world of that filth. Had he been an elf, he would’ve screamed even as we stripped the flesh from his bones—and we wouldn’t have eaten him despite the effort we’d spend butchering him.”

  That there were elves who wouldn’t eat their prey startled me. “What would you have done with him?”

  “Hung his bones as an example to others and left his meat for the fish. It wouldn’t do to poison the cats and dogs. I’ve learned fish will eat things even elves reject.”

  “And what would a student do if they killed their teacher?”

  “Wear their teacher’s skull with pride unless the teacher was partnered, in which case the student would take a different bone and leave the skull fo
r their lover. As I do not have a lover, you would inherit my skull. As you are not a full elf, or even half, you would keep my skull but perhaps place it on your mantle to remember me by. That is how we grieve. We carry the vessel of our beloved’s soul with us when they go until we are ready to move on. Then we keep it in a place of honor until our dying day.”

  I found it interesting elves believed the soul resided in the mind. “The mind and not the heart?”

  “What we do with the heart would not be palatable for your delicate sensibilities. Humans have a difficult enough time accepting we keep the skulls of our beloved.”

  “I think he was asking why you believe the soul is in your skull,” Kennedy said, her tone amused.

  “Ah. Yes, I suppose that would confuse you humans, too. It’s simple. Your heart feels, but it isn’t what makes you you. Your memories, your actions, your words, all of those things that make you who you are reside in your head. Your heart is there to feel, but your mind is who defines you. There’s a reason you fear to look into my eyes. Had my soul resided in my heart, you would not fear my eyes. The eyes are the gateway to the soul. You know this better than most. You have reason to be afraid. I understand this. But I don’t do this just for you. It is for her, as well. She would feel the pain of your loss like any elf despite her fragile humanity. She has been broken and reforged. You’d see that if you overcame your fear and looked into her eyes already.”

  Samantha’s grin reminded me of a very hungry shark.

  Some secrets were best revealed piece by piece. “I plan to.”

  “Reed?” Kennedy squeaked.

  “Even elves never stop learning, and progress is a daily battle, one we fight with pride should we wish to see tomorrow. I know what you want to ask of me. There is no greater honor for an elf to die at the hands of their student, no greater pride than quenching the steel of a newly forged weapon. Should you succeed where others fail, I would have you take my skull with pride so it might become one of your greatest treasures. No, Reed. You have nothing to fear of my death beyond the grief of a student losing a teacher. Should you hold the blade that takes my life, you’ve nothing left to learn from me.”

  Truth. The certainty of her words sank in, as pure as the chiming of a bell at dawn. I was no angel, but I embraced her truth.

  I needed to embrace my truths, too—even the dark ones that kept me awake at night when I remembered a past I wouldn’t change even if I could. Changing the past would’ve changed the future, and my future had somehow become a place I wanted to be.

  “I might be the one to die, of shock, should I even hit you,” I confessed.

  “I’m sure Kennedy would love to give you CPR as needed, albeit I’ll have to remind her CPR doesn’t involve the use of her tongue until after resuscitation has occurred.”

  I hadn’t tried feigning death as a way to land some affection from the red-haired woman, and I considered if I could act well enough to trick an elf.

  “It’d be easier to hit me and earn your evening with her.”

  “You read minds, don’t you?” I accused, glaring at the elf.

  “You’re part incubus and succubus. I don’t have to read minds to understand what you’re thinking. Frankly, I’m torn between pride and disgust over your restraint. I don’t know which angels resulted in your birth, but I fear they control too many virtues for their own good—and yours.”

  My eyes widened. “Is it possible to identify my grandparents through my behaviors?”

  “Silly boy. You may be your father’s son, and you might be the grandson of two angels, but you’re your own man. Never allow anyone to forge you based only on who came before you. Except that part of you that is pure elf. That part’s important. The rest? Pft. Cast them aside and make your own destiny. Judge yourself without the crimes and aspirations of those who came before you casting you in a different light. I judge only you.”

  Likely tired of pussyfooting around with me and wanting more entertaining prey, Samantha went after Kennedy like a wolf on a lamb. Her first strike got through Kennedy’s guard and cracked into her ribs, and the thud of impact woke the anger I’d boxed away since the moment I’d pulled a rapist off his victim and had become a killer.

  I abandoned the niceties; if Samantha wanted me to warn her, she wouldn’t have turned on Kennedy without warning. My wooden blade caught on the guard of her weapon, and I discarded everything she’d tried to teach me for the one advantage I possessed but had been unwilling to use. My physical strength alone wouldn’t defeat an elf in battle—or anyone else, for that matter—but it gave me an edge in one thing. My arm could overpower her wrist and hand.

  I grabbed her blade, uncaring if the carved edge bit into my hand or if I spent hours picking out splinters. I twisted, ripped it out of her hold, and went for her throat.

  I wasn’t sure which one of us was more surprised when my fingers dug into her neck hard enough her pulse beat against my skin.

  “Strangulation is a valid method of killing someone,” the elf wheezed.

  I eased my hold enough she could breathe but didn’t release her.

  “Reed,” Kennedy chided. “She hit me. She does that every day.”

  “Not where he can see me do it.” Utterly uncaring I could strangle her, Samantha chuckled. “At least not that hard and without warning. Did you see the change in his eyes?”

  “He wanted to kill you.”

  The lack of doubt in Kennedy’s tone reined me in far better than anything else, and I forced myself to take deep breaths. I wanted to growl—and squeeze my hand around the damned elf’s throat a little tighter as a warning. I forced myself to let her go and back away, sitting back on my heels while I caught my breath.

  “Of course he did. He’s an elf. I infringed on his territory and hit his woman. That’s what elves do. That girl woke part of his elven instinct, and his angelic sight sealed that filth’s fate. Without his sight, he might’ve carried more guilt, but the elf in him wouldn’t have let that man walk away so easily. This was a lesson as much for you as it was for him.” Samantha smirked at me. “When he faces off against an angel and a devil, stay near him. That’s truly the only weapon he’ll need, but the one I mean to give him will make his work easier.”

  “Damn it, Samantha,” I muttered through clenched teeth.

  “You’re only resentful I found your weakness, exploited it, and forced you to hit me. Stop whining. You actually succeeded at something for a change. Get your ass up and follow me.” Hopping to her feet, she scooped up her weapon and twirled it in a hand. “Today, children. I have new ways to terrorize you both, and I can’t wait to see your expressions. I’ll enjoy it much more than you will.”

  Kennedy crouched beside me and patted my shoulder. “I’m really all right. She smacked me with the flat. It’s loud, it stings, but it’s harmless. At worse, I’ll have a new bruise. I’m all right. Now, if anyone other than Samantha goes after me like that, kill them with extreme prejudice because I don’t want to die, and if someone is going after me like that, they mean to kill me. Sound good?”

  “I’m not sure you’re supposed to be encouraging me to kill someone. Aren’t you in law enforcement? FBI-CDC liaisons technically count as law enforcement.”

  “In defense of another is a legitimate claim in court and is remarkably easy to prove when you tell the complete truth to an angel. Even if the angels don’t like you, they’re bound to tell the truth or they fall. Never forget that.”

  I wondered what would happen if I lied. I decided I didn’t want to know. With a little help from Kennedy, I got to my feet. “I won’t,” I promised.

  Samantha led us back to the cabin, went to her truck, and tossed down the tailgate. It still amused me that a little elf drove a big truck, but all the jokes about compensation remained safely in my head where they belonged as she had absolutely nothing to compensate for. If anything, she drove it as a warning to the idiots on the road she’d run them over and then use their bones as toothpicks.

>   I’d pay to watch someone challenge Samantha in her big, manly truck.

  “Have I ever told you I want your truck?” I asked, leaning against Kennedy’s rental car, adding another layer of dirt to what I already wore.

  “You can’t have my truck. It is mine. If you want a truck, buy one yourself. The benefit to trucks? Should you spawn any children, you can eventually toss them in the back.”

  “That’s illegal,” Kennedy stated.

  “I knew there was something I hated about the modern era. Toss the brats in a cage and let them fight over dinner.”

  “Now you’re assuming there’ll be children.”

  “You are part succubus and part incubus. She’s going to geld you after the first ten.”

  I winced. “Please don’t geld me, Kennedy.”

  “You’re useless to me gelded… for the moment.”

  Ouch. “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.”

  “I haven’t gotten laid in months. It’s what you didn’t do.”

  I pointed at Samantha. “Blame her. It’s her fault. She beat my ability to perform at your leisure out of me.”

  “You should be grateful I beat the modesty out of him, else you’d still be dealing with his insecurities and other issues,” the elf muttered, leaning forward and retrieving a Japanese battle scythe from the bed. “This is a ko-naginata, the woman’s variant of the naginata. I taught you with the ō-naginata, the one meant for men. You will find this is lighter in your hand, thus easier for you to kill with. It weighs more than the traditional ko-naginata, as I warned its maker you would be trained as a man to give you the best strength possible. You will never match a man’s brute ferocity, but you should do well enough. Few know how to defend themselves from a Japanese death scythe. In that, your man has done you well.”

  Kennedy took the weapon from Samantha, her eyes wide as she stared at the rippled pattern on the curved blade. “It’s beautiful.”

  I wondered when Kennedy would notice the shaft, decorated with hundreds of angels and devils in eternal conflict. Black and gold lacquer filled the lines and brought the raised images to life.