If You Had Controlling Parents

by Dan Neuharth

  IF YOU HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

  How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

  Dan Neuharth, Ph.D.

  To the children, past, present, and future,

  who lack a voice in their upbringing.

  May they find their voices

  through the stories and insights shared here

  and

  To Marly, with love and gratitude

  for her artistry, brilliance, beauty, and soul

  CONTENTS

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  TO THE READER

  INTRODUCTION: DID YOU GROW UP WITH UNHEALTHY CONTROL?

  PART ONE: NAMING THE PROBLEM

  1 HEALTHIER PARENTING VERSUS CONTROLLING PARENTING

  2 SMOTHERING PARENTING: LIFE UNDER A MICROSCOPE

  3 DEPRIVING PARENTING: PLAYING “TAKE AWAY”

  4 PERFECTIONISTIC PARENTING: A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING (AND EVERYTHING HAD BETTER BE IN PLACE)

  5 CULTLIKE PARENTING: OBEDIENCE WITH A MISSIONARY ZEAL

  6 CHAOTIC PARENTING: LIFE IN THE QUICKSAND LANE

  7 USING PARENTING: “ME FIRST” CHILD RAISING

  8 ABUSING PARENTING: “DO IT OR ELSE” CHILD RAISING

  9 CHILDLIKE PARENTING: “CAN’T DO” CHILD RAISING

  SUMMARY OF THE EIGHT STYLES

  PART TWO: UNDERSTANDING THE PROBLEM

  10 HOW OVERCONTROL WORKS

  11 PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER: MEET YOUR INTERNALIZED PARENTS

  12 THE ADULT-LIFE LEGACIES OF GROWING UP CONTROLLED

  13 LETTING GO OF THE LEGACIES: GIVING UP THE DISTORTIONS OF THE INTERNALIZED PARENTS

  14 WHY PARENTS OVERCONTROL

  15 CONTROLLERS’ FEARS

  PART THREE: SOLVING THE PROBLEM

  STEP ONE: EMOTIONALLY LEAVING HOME

  16 SEPARATING FROM UNHEALTHY FAMILY TIES

  STEP TWO: BRINGING BALANCE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENTS

  17 HOW CAN I SET HEALTHIER BOUNDARIES WITH MY PARENTS?

  18 SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PARENTS?

  19 CAN I FORGIVE MY PARENTS?

  20 CAN I ACCEPT MY PARENTS?

  21 SHOULD I REDUCE OR BREAK CONTACT WITH MY PARENTS?

  22 FAMILY QUANDARIES

  STEP THREE: REDEFINING YOUR LIFE

  23 NINE POWERFUL PATHS FOR GROWTH AND HEALING

  24 MAKING MEANING

  THE BOOK IN A NUTSHELL

  WORKS CITED

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  PRAISE

  COPYRIGHT

  ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My profound thanks and appreciation to:

  Patti Breitman, superagent, for believing in this book so much and working so brilliantly to sell it.

  The incredible staff at Cliff Street/HarperCollins and particularly: Diane Reverand, publisher, for her vision, wisdom, and enthusiasm; Julia Serebrinsky, editor, for her grace and attention to detail; and Pamela Pfeifer, public-relations genius.

  The courageous pioneers who volunteered to be interviewed for this book and, in so doing, made new meaning of their own difficult childhoods by helping countless others.

  My psychotherapy clients, who teach me more each day.

  My steadfast men’s group: Scott Cameron, Ph.D.; David Frankel, Ph.D.; Scott Lines, Ph.D.; Mike Shuell, Ph.D.; Alan Vitolo, Ph.D.; and Robert Wynne, Ph.D.

  My original family: with love to mother Loretta, father Al, and sister Jan.

  My brother-in-law Joseph Keusch, niece Danielle, and nephew Alec, all of whom bring smiles to the world.

  Sandy the wonderdog, for offering unconditional love and unlimited play.

  My mentors and teachers: Walter Anderson; Robin Acker, M.A., MFCC; Adria Blum, Ph.D.; Bernie Carter, M.A., MFCC; Janeece Dagen, M.A., MFCC; Sandy Graber, M.D.; Roberto Gurza, M.A.; Jerry Schwartz, Ph.D.; and Lucy Scott, Ph.D.

  Shannon Tullius and the staff, presenters, and volunteers of the Maui Writer’s Conference.

  Manuscript readers and supporters: Joan Cox, Lori Hurwitz; and especially Brooke Passano, M.A., MFCC.

  And, finally, my partner, Marly Perkins, Ph.D., for her unwavering support, countless hours of reading drafts, and always on-target suggestions. Marly, this book would not exist had you not contributed all your gifts.

  Some readers may find that coming to grips with a difficult childhood can spark upsetting feelings. Far from being uncommon, this frequently happens in psychotherapy, which is designed to explore troubling feelings in a safe setting. This book is not intended to be a substitute for formal psychotherapy, though many readers may find it a useful adjunct to treatment. I urge any reader who experiences abnormal depression or anxiety to consult a licensed psychotherapist.

  TO THE READER

  When I use the word “parents” in this book, I’m talking about the adults who exerted the most significant control over your childhood—birth parents, guardians, grandparents, stepparents, aunts or uncles. I tend to use “parents,” plural, for grammatical simplicity even though only one parent or adult figure in your family may have been the controller.

  This book includes case studies drawn from comprehensive interviews with a diverse group of forty women and men, ages twenty-three to fifty-eight, who grew up controlled. Collectively, these forty adults have more than six million hours’ experience growing up in controlling environments. (Detailed information about the participants and interviews can be found in Notes on Research on pp. 239—240.) Although each person’s story was unique, similarities in how they were controlled transcended age, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, gender, sexual orientation, and family history—and strongly mirrored the patterns I’ve encountered with private clients from controlling families.

  I promised confidentiality to all participants so they could talk openly and honestly. Therefore, all names are pseudonyms. I have also slightly altered age, profession, or other details that might identify those interviewed. In some cases, to honor confidentiality I have combined details of more than one person’s experience into a composite character. Where needed, I have altered quotes for grammar or clarity. Other than these alterations, every story, incident, and observation you will read was as told to me. None of it is fiction, even though at times the enormity of control may seem unbelievable. I hope the stories and insights will touch you, teach you, and help you to heal, as they have me.

  I’ve learned a great deal about control and healing from my clients and those I interviewed, but there is much I have still to master. I have yet to work out all the mixed feelings and control-related problems between myself and my own parents. You, not I, are the expert on your life, needs, and upbringing. I urge you to take this book at your own pace and on your own terms. I want you to feel in control as you read. You don’t have to agree with the entire book to find some parts pertinent. And keep in mind that while controlling parents often view the world in all-or-nothing terms, few situations in life are absolute. My goal in writing this book is to remind you that you are not alone, that you can make sense of your childhood, and that you can heal yourself.

  This is a book of discovery and resolution. I invite you to discover what may lie underneath some of your most stubborn and troubling habits, patterns, or problems. I urge you to join me on a path toward resolving anything unfinished with your parents, whether they are living or dead. I ask you to fashion a more clear and full view of your upbringing so that you can make peace with your past.

  INTRODUCTION

  DID YOU GROW UP WITH UNHEALTHY CONTROL?

  Animals kill their young if they don’t want to care for them, but they don’t torture them for years.

  —ALICE MILLER

  If your parents controlled you in unhealthy ways, t
hey may have unwittingly planted land mines in your psyche. As a result, you may tiptoe through life expecting buried danger, not treasure, in your path. You may wait…and wait…for permission to love, succeed, and feel content. Permission you’re not sure how to get. Permission you may have difficulty granting yourself.

  Well, you are not alone. An estimated one in thirteen adults in the United States has grown up with unhealthy control. That’s more than 15 million people. (See Notes on Research on pp. 239—240.)

  Unhealthy control has lasting costs. Such an upbringing can put you at risk for depression, anxiety, poor self-image, addictions, self-defeating behaviors, and stress-related health problems. Lacking a protective sense of self, you may live with too little freedom, too little meaning, and, most of all, far too little self-love. Growing up controlled means inheriting habits and beliefs that complicate relationships, decision making, spirituality, and emotional development. As one thirty-seven-year-old teacher raised in a white-knuckle household said, “I feel like I’m missing a couple of big chunks on how to be a person.”

  An unexamined upbringing may lead us unwittingly to replay old patterns with our mates so that our mates come to remind us of our parents. We may misread friends, neighbors, or coworkers who remind us of our parents. We may inadvertently use our children as vehicles to work out unfinished business with our parents. We may unintentionally inflict suffering on ourselves and those around us as we act out old, controlling ways.

  After we’re grown, our controlling parents may still treat us as children. More frustratingly, we may feel as helpless as children when we’re around our parents. We may struggle to get closer to—or find greater distance from—a controlling parent. We may even come to understand their motivation for controlling us, yet be at a loss about reconciling that knowledge with our lingering hurt, disappointment, or anger.

  If you have problems or habits that stubbornly resist change, these may be, in fact, symptoms of unresolved issues with your parents or upbringing. For example, we may grow bored with our jobs or relationships when what we may really need is to cut the apron strings with a parent; we may push ourselves mercilessly to do more when what we really need is to slow down and heal old wounds; or we may overeat when what we may really need is to attend to frustrations inherited from childhood. By looking deeper, we can solve these problems at the source so that they don’t merely crop up a few months later in a different form.

  This book can help you or someone you love to recognize and disarm the emotional land mines that linger from unhealthy family control. I’m here to tell you that many adults who grew up controlled have worked successfully to create happier adulthoods. You’ll meet some of them shortly and may find them not all that different from you.

  Look at your personality like a puzzle. This book can help you figure out how much of the puzzle was assembled for you by your parents and how many pieces were forced together, whether they fit or not.

  How Do You Know?

  How do you know if you grew up controlled? Many adults raised with unhealthy control have only a vague sense of it. Others remember excess control but can’t explain how it worked. Without something tangible to point to, many who grow up in controlling families come to believe unhealthy control to be normal.

  Said a forty-six-year-old designer, “I don’t know how to explain it, but my mother had this powerful presence and control. To this day I don’t understand how she held so much influence over me or how I took on so many of her values despite my best efforts not to.”

  Overcontrol takes many forms. The most obvious is authoritarianism, but unhealthy control also occurs in a wide variety of families that are anything but strict. The common factor is this:

  Controlling families are organized to please, protect, and serve one or both parents, not to foster optimal growth or self-expression among family members.

  This book is for you if you or someone you care about came from a family that could be described as one or more of the following:

  Perfectionistic

  Overprotective

  Dictatorial

  Confusing

  Strict

  Belittling

  Authoritarian

  Manipulative

  Harsh

  Smothering

  Reserved

  Overbearing

  Unyielding

  Tense

  Irritable

  Stifling

  Unemotional

  Pushy

  Overcontrol can just as easily exist in a “model” family as in a family having a climate of deception and chaos. Too much control thrives when family members cling to a myth that everything is perfect when it’s not. Excessive control can exist when a parent demands too much adulation or insists on iron-clad dos and don’ts. The parent who is too aloof exerts control through deprivation. The parent who is an emotional loose cannon dominates through unpredictability. Overcontrol is fostered by parents who emotionally smother other family members, bully with verbal abuse or physical or sexual violence, or who are too self-absorbed to see their children’s needs.

  This test will help you measure the prevalence of control in your childhood and identify whether you may be facing adult-life problems because of it. Check all that apply:

  GROWING UP, did you often feel…

  Forbidden to question or disagree with a parent?

  Pressured by excessive expectations or unattainable standards?

  Tense when one or both of your parents were around?

  Confused by parental mixed messages or unclear rules?

  Criticized more than you were encouraged or praised?

  Afraid to express anger, fear, or sadness around a parent?

  Intimidated or belittled by a parent?

  Manipulated into doing things you didn’t want to?

  Sad, anxious, hurt, deprived, or angry?

  That physical and emotional affection were scarce in your family?

  That pleasing your parents was rewarded more than being yourself?

  __of 11 checked

  In RETROSPECT, did either or both of your parents often…

  Try to dictate your thoughts, speech, or morals?

  Overscrutinize your eating, sleep, dress, or personal grooming habits?

  Interfere with your choices of school, career, friends, or lovers?

  Violate your privacy?

  Threaten to disown you for opposing their wishes?

  Withdraw love or affection when you displeased them?

  Use words like “lazy,” “stupid,” “ugly,” “selfish,” or “crazy” to describe you?

  Physically or sexually abuse you and/or allow others to do so?

  Need to be the center of attention or try to dominate most situations?

  View the world in right-or-wrong, black-and-white terms?

  Treat emotions as things to be changed, avoided, or ignored?

  Seem perfectionistic, stoic, or driven?

  Seem unwilling to admit they were wrong?

  Seem obsessed with cleanliness, order, details, rules, or schedules?

  Seem hypersensitive to criticism?

  Seem unaware of the pain they caused you and others?

  __of 16 checked

  Did either of your parents…

  Experience major trauma in their childhood?

  Have a family history of physical or sexual abuse, mental illness, or substance abuse?

  Feel overcontrolled by their parents?

  __of 3 checked

  As an ADULT, have you often felt…

  Perfectionistic, driven, or rarely satisfied?

  Like you are under scrutiny even when no one else is around?

  Intimidated or easily angered around controlling people?

  Terrified of being overly dependent in relationships?

  Strong reservations about having children because of how you were raised?

  Melancholy, empty, or deprived?

  Like few people know the real you?

&nbs
p; Afraid of strong feelings or losing control?

  That you missed out on large parts of normal childhood experiences?

  Extrasensitive to criticism?

  Confused about what your feelings are or should be?

  Overly judgmental of others?

  __of 12 checked

  In your ADULT LIFE, have you often…

  Worried or ruminated over confrontations with others?

  Found it hard to make decisions?

  Lost yourself in relationships by putting another’s needs first?

  Had trouble finding a spiritual belief that feels right?

  Found it difficult to relax, laugh, or be spontaneous?

  Had difficulty with sex, touch, or intimacy?

  Had trouble accepting compliments?

  Had an eating disorder or addictive behavior?

  Suffered from stress-related illnesses, “burnout,” or chronic pain?

  Undermined yourself in work or relationships?

  Assumed others have the confidence you lack?

  Tested the love of those close to you?

  Been abusive, controlling, or disrespectful to friends or a mate?

  Expected that others will try to hurt or take advantage of you?

  __of 14 checked

  As an ADULT, do you often feel…

  That it has taken a long time to emotionally separate from one or both of your parents?