If You Had Controlling Parents

by Dan Neuharth

  Even in Penny’s teens, her mother insisted on ordering for her in restaurants. When Penny moved to a vegetarian co-op, her mother brought her home-cooked meat dishes and refused to leave until Penny ate them.

  In her first semester of college, Penny’s mother asked about her major. “I don’t know yet,” Penny responded. “You’ve got to know,” her mother insisted. Within a few weeks, Penny decided to major in journalism, which her mother then demeaned: “She told me I had to do something ‘practical’ instead.”

  Penny’s father, an engineer and ex-marine, insisted on military-style discipline. She and her sister had to sit perfectly still at dinner until their father picked up his fork, which signaled that they could begin eating.

  Penny remembers her dad constantly telling her to “Calm down.” The impact of his cautions still haunts her. “Even today,” she says, smiling ruefully, “if I get happy or sexually excited, I hear his ‘Calm down’ in my head and I often stop myself.”

  Her father could never understand Penny’s nonlinear way of reasoning. When she explained that she behaved according to feelings and intuition, he dismissed her reasoning as wrong: “He’d call me an egomaniac who needed therapy.”

  “As a kid, my predominant feeling was disappointment in myself,” Penny freely admits. “I always felt that if I tried a little harder, maybe someone would notice and approve. I blamed myself for not being perfect and lovable.”

  Connections Between Penny’s Past and Present

  It’s understandable that Penny has lived behind a “Miss Perfect” false front. As a child, her real self wasn’t welcomed. It’s understandable that Penny finds it hard to trust her intuition. How can Penny feel spontaneous when her father’s “Calm down” still echoes forty years later? How can Penny allow herself even justified anger when her parents seemed so rigid?

  Since her parents acted larger than life, it makes sense that Penny questions herself, offers others the benefit of the doubt, and has endlessly given to romantic partners at her own expense. Penny’s upbringing left her feeling like a second-class citizen, apologizing for her existence.

  After growing up in a “boot camp” atmosphere, it’s easy to see why Penny has an exaggerated startle response, even to her husband. Why shouldn’t Penny have a compulsive streak and trouble cherishing herself when her models were a mother who left little breathing room and a father she could never please?

  Penny’s challenges are to give herself enhanced permission to respect herself and to have faith that life can bring positive, not just negative, surprises.

  Belinda

  Belinda, thirty, is a computer analyst. At work, she feels intimidated by her boss and “extrasensitive” to office politics. Though she has a good job, with seniority, she is “completely mystified” about what she wants to do with her life.

  Belinda feels that she’s on an emotional roller coaster. She often finds it difficult to define her desires and stick by her decisions. She feels “flawed” and has struggled with eating disorders for much of her life. When she gets stressed, she freezes. “I space out, complete with physical tension and armoring,” she admits. “I turn my hostility on myself, get sloppy, overeat, and then hate myself.” When Belinda gets angry, she often soon feels depressed: “I’ll scream a lot, slam things, and then I’ll feel such despair.”

  Belinda’s boyfriend of two years has begun to talk about marriage, but she feels a long way from making such a commitment. In previous relationships, she has picked men who tended to dominate her. Although her current boyfriend is less controlling, Belinda sometimes feels smothered. At other times she worries that he might leave her. “I cling, I get afraid, and then there is no true intimacy. I’m confused over whether I am even able to be intimate.” As with many of those I interviewed, Belinda has strong doubts about having children.

  Belinda’s Upbringing

  Belinda was raised by a Chaotic, Using single mother. Her mother’s moods changed wildly and her efforts to discipline Belinda were erratic. Curfews and rules were ignored one day, enforced the next.

  Her mother often seemed downright mean. In second grade, Belinda’s teacher wrote on her report card, “Belinda is very smart and her reading is way ahead of average. She’s a good student, though she does have a tendency to visit with her neighbors.” Ignoring the teacher’s praise, her mother wrote back, “Do you want to punish her or should I? The best way to punish her is to humiliate her in front of others.”

  When fourteen-year-old Belinda’s tennis coach said Belinda showed great promise, her mother stopped the lessons, claiming they were a luxury the family could not afford. When Belinda was fifteen, her parakeet was killed by a neighbor’s cat. It was all Belinda’s fault, according to her mother, who forbade Belinda from crying about it.

  Her mother repeatedly told Belinda she was “ugly,” “fat,” “disgusting,” “smelly,” and a “mistake.” Years later, when Belinda told her mother how much those words had hurt, the older woman brushed her off, claiming, “Oh, you must have known I didn’t really mean it.” Equally confusing were her mother’s moods. Her mother was frequently depressed and would lie in bed for hours, shades pulled, but when Belinda asked what was wrong, her mother told her, “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” Other times, if she asked her mother what she was angry about, she would reply, “Oh, I’m not angry, I’m just sad.” Yet, says Belinda, “People who meet her say she’s the angriest person they’ve ever seen.”

  While her mother’s changeable behavior left Belinda’s head spinning, her Abusing stepfather, who entered the family when Belinda was fourteen, related to his stepdaughter with derision. He regularly told Belinda she was “a tub of lard” and jeered, “You’d even gain weight from drinking a Tab,” yet he made her clean her plate.

  Connections Between Belinda’s Past and Present

  It’s understandable that Belinda has difficulty with authority figures and office politics when the authorities and politics in her family were so erratic. It’s not surprising that she is mystified about what to do with her life when she grew up baffled by her mother’s confusion. It makes sense that Belinda finds it hard to desire things when anything she excelled at was taken away. Because of her mother’s unclear rules, Belinda was constantly on the lookout for clues and cues. Rather than thinking that the rules didn’t make sense—which would have put her in violation of controlling parents’ number one rule of no dissent—Belinda concluded that she was “flawed.”

  No wonder Belinda has trouble knowing her own heart. Her mother’s denial of her own obvious emotional difficulties, such as saying she was “fine” when she was depressed, left her daughter doubting her own perceptions. Given the tension in Belinda’s early life and the coercive messages around food, it is no wonder she has faced eating disorders.

  In her relationships with men, it’s not surprising that Belinda has made some unhealthy choices. How could she feel good about being a woman or find a man who would treat her well when her stepfather degraded women? How could she maintain a clear sense of self when her mother flip-flopped on discipline? How could she help but struggle with intimacy when life with her mother was so unpredictable and intimacy was so elusive?

  Belinda couldn’t ask her mother for help since her mother was so erratic. She couldn’t ask anything of her stepfather because his boundaries were so untrustworthy. She was too ashamed to ask for help from anyone outside the family. And she couldn’t find answers within herself, since she had come to doubt her perceptions. Ultimately, she blamed herself.

  Belinda’s challenge is to build more solid emotional ground by trusting her instincts, reducing self-blame, and learning to love herself.

  Potential Consequences in Your Adult Life

  Like Alex, Penny, and Belinda, you may now be making connections between the unhealthy aspects of your upbringing and your present problems. As I’ve cautioned, seeing these links may spark sadness, anger, guilt, disbelief, or feelings of being overwhelmed. Yet confronting the con
nections may very well bring relief—as mysteries fall into place, and you reclaim a part of your rightful heritage.

  Being raised by a controlling parent is a series of trials that meld into one years-long, slow-moving trauma that, if not attended to, can manifest delayed consequences. Among the signs of posttraumatic stress are (the items in italics are from the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV 428):

  Acute sensitivity to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble aspects of the trauma. For some who grew up controlled, this can mean acute fear of others’ anger, or intense negative reactions when feeling dominated or ignored.

  Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, activities, people or places that may trigger recollections of the trauma. For some who grew up controlled, this can mean avoiding situations in which they would have power over others, feel dependent, or think about their parents or past.

  Feeling numb, detached, estranged from others, or feeling disinterested in participating in significant life activities. For some who grew up controlled, this can mean difficulty in attaching to others in intimate relationships; apathy to love, friendships, work, or play; or feeling as if you must go it alone in life.

  Difficulty feeling emotions outside a limited range. For some who grew up controlled, this difficulty may manifest itself as an inability to feel anger, joy, pleasure, trust, or love. Posttraumatic stress means being constantly in fight-or-flight mode. When someone is in fight-or-flight mode, there is little room for joy, relaxation, trust, or optimism. Life becomes solely about survival.

  Irritability, hypervigilance, or difficulty sleeping or concentrating. For some who grew up controlled, this can mean a tendency to be easily startled, a feeling of being judged even when nobody is around, or excessive concern about personal safety or being intruded upon.

  Reexperiencing the trauma, sometimes in the form of intrusive thoughts, images, dreams, or flashbacks of traumatic events. For some who grew up controlled, this may mean sudden mental images of a parent in a threatening pose or controlling manner, intrusive and critical mental dialogues in a parent’s voice, or the sensation of being trapped in situations similar to childhood ones.

  To heal from trauma, it’s essential to gradually explore the feelings, memories, and beliefs that arose from the wound. This process opens the door to releasing the emotional charge that was buried during the trauma. It’s important to find safe settings in which to talk about the trauma and its effects; by so doing, you can reestablish feelings of safety and mastery. In Part Three we will explore ways in which to overcome the delayed effects of trauma.

  Resources on Trauma

  Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery. New York: Basic Books, 1992.

  Middleton-Moz, Jane. Children of Trauma. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1989.

  Terr, Lenore. Too Scared to Cry. New York: Harper & Row, 1990.

  Common Connections

  Growing up controlled can affect your relationships, career, emotions, spirituality, physical and mental health, and overall development. The following are common adulthood links to a controlled childhood. You might take note of which, if any, seem true for you.

  Relationships

  If you grew up with unrealistic expectations placed on you, you may expect too much or think too little of yourself.

  If you had to act in a certain way for your parents, it may be hard to be yourself around others.

  If your parents were judgmental, you may find yourself quick to judge others or hypersensitive to others’ assessments of you.

  If your parents acted unpredictably, you may be baffled by your feelings in relationships.

  If your family was unsafe, all group activities may feel unsafe.

  Love, Sex, and Intimacy

  If you grew up in a tumultuous family, you may unwittingly be drawn to turmoil rather than health in your relationships.

  If your parents devalued your rights, wants, and needs, you may also devalue your rights, wants, and needs in your relationships.

  If your parents overcontrolled their relationships, you may tend to overcontrol yours.

  If love meant control and intimacy meant danger, you may fear both love and intimacy.

  If touch was misused or physical closeness connoted a painful vulnerability, you may have mixed feelings about touch and closeness.

  If your parents modeled poor marital relations and erratic discipline, you may have trouble making commitments.

  Parenthood

  If your childhood hurt, you may equate all childhoods with hurt.

  If your parents controlled you, you may have reservations about becoming a parent.

  If you were raised with too much control, you may unwittingly react by raising your children with insufficient limits or control.

  Professional Life

  If your parents dictated your decisions, you may feel intimidated when making choices.

  If your parents were unfair or abusive, you may see all authority figures as unfair or abusive.

  If your parents misused their authority, you may find it hard to be an authority figure.

  If your antennae were tuned to family turmoil, you may find yourself extrasensitive to workplace politics.

  If your parents had unrealistic expectations and standards, you may not know when to quit or may give up too soon.

  If your parents devalued you, you may lack confidence or underachieve at work.

  Emotional Life

  If you weren’t allowed to express sadness, it may still be with you.

  If tension was a way of life, you may still feel on guard.

  If anger was forbidden, you may find it hard to let yourself get angry even when it is justified.

  If you had to guard your emotions as a child, your primary feeling today may be numbness.

  If your feelings were discounted or prohibited, you may be confused about what you are experiencing or how to express your emotions.

  If “negative” feelings like anger, fear, or sadness were blocked, your access to spontaneous and positive emotions may also be blocked.

  If your parents were depriving or using, you may automatically expect that when something good happens, something else you care about will be taken away.

  Spiritual Life

  If you grew up controlled, you may face great difficulty in finding a spiritual framework that fits your needs.

  If your parents were punitive and controlling, you may view God as punitive and controlling.

  Physical Health

  If you were controlled, your body may carry the toll through stress-related illness, low energy, or chronic pain.

  If you were deprived, you may seek relief through addictive or risk-taking behavior.

  If your parents overcontrolled, you may face challenges from eating disorders.

  If your parents exerted body control, you may have an unrealistic body image.

  If your parents ridiculed or harshly punished you, you may find it hard to love and take care of your body.

  Psychological Health

  If your parents were perfectionists, you may still be trying to be perfect.

  If your parents were harsh critics, you may have “inner tyrants” residing in your thoughts.

  If your parents had double standards, you may give others the benefit of the doubt but blame yourself.

  If your parents saw the world in black and white, you may have difficulty in seeing the grays.

  If your parents regarded you as less than you are, you may also see yourself as less.

  If your parents acted hatefully, you may feel unlovable.

  If you rarely received praise as a child—or if whatever pride you did have was attacked—you may have trouble feeling appropriate self-esteem.

  Overall Development

  If your parents forbade dissent, you may have trouble asserting yourself.

  If your parents controlled your every move, you may have difficulty in taking the initiative.

  If your parents treated yo
ur independent spirit as sinful, you may seek continued dependence on your parents or other people.

  If your parents infantilized you, you may feel you cannot assume adult responsibilities.

  Each of these potential consequences is a common tendency, but they are not set in stone. The next chapter will show you several shortcuts to unhooking unhealthy connections between past control and present problems.

  Sorting It Out

  Since the information in the last few chapters has been emotionally loaded, take a few minutes to check in with yourself and notice any reactions you’ve had as you’ve read about the Dirty Dozen, Truth Abuse, controlling-family brainwashing, and the damaging consequences of family control.

  For some of you, a lot of this may seem like old news. You may feel that you want to look forward and focus on how to achieve more peace and freedom in your current life and in the future. The rest of this book is aimed at helping you do just that.

  For others, taking in this information may show your family in a new light. You may see your parents and your childhood in ways you never did before, which makes it impossible to return to your previous views and assumptions. While you may feel disoriented, or experience a sense of loss, take heart: You have undertaken a valuable, necessary step to health and maturity. Making childhood-adult connections can help you stop blaming yourself for things you never really did in the first place.

  You may be feeling sadness. Sadness can be a hard feeling to sit with, but it’s generally part of any transition from one set of values or identity to another. Making new connections between your past and present is part of making the transition to a more rounded view of your life.

  You may feel angry. A saying in many self-help groups is, “The truth shall set you free, but first it’ll make you mad.” Anger is often misunderstood in society and particularly in controlling families. As difficult as it can sometimes be, anger, like all feelings, is best welcomed as a psychic road sign. Anger is a valuable message from yourself that your boundaries have been violated or are in danger of being violated. Feeling angry when your rights or boundaries are violated is essential to survival. Anger, in and of itself, is not destructive because you can express it in either destructive or constructive ways.