If You Had Controlling Parents

by Dan Neuharth

  Holidays and Family Rituals

  Holidays and family rituals are laden with emotional tugs. Parental birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Days are supposed to honor parents, but how can you feel good about honoring someone who dishonored you? Year-end holidays may feel like a time for families to be festive, but how can you feel festive coming together in an environment of control, dishonesty, or manipulation?

  Despite the roadblocks, holidays offer opportunities for you to observe your level of individuation and act in healthier ways. For example, deciding how much and what kind of contact you want with your parents at holidays—based on what is healthiest for you rather than on historical practice—can be an empowering step. One woman and her mother have agreed on a “Christmas truce” from Thanksgiving to mid-January, during which they don’t talk about family issues or emotionally laden subjects.

  It may help to expect that a visit to your parents will be stressful so you’ll be less disappointed if you feel pressured. And if the visit isn’t stressful, you’re bound to be pleasantly surprised.

  Exercise for Holiday Angst

  Choosing cards for parental birthdays and holidays can be tough. It’s hard to buy the ones that say “You were always there for me” if your parents weren’t. Humorous cards might be misinterpreted. Buying a flowery, bland card may feel like selling out. You have so much you were never allowed to say, so why say something without any meaning?

  One solution is to create and even send a more honest controlling-family card. Perhaps something like: “Even Though You Hurt Me, Thank You for What You Gave Me,” or “Overall, It Was Still Better Than Being in an Orphanage.”

  Resources for Balancing

  Bloomfield, Harold. Making Peace with Your Parents. New York: Ballantine Books, 1983.

  Cocola, Nancy, and Arlene Matthews. How to Manage Your Mother: Skills and Strategies to Improve Mother-Daughter Relationships. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1992.

  Cohen, Susan, and Edward Cohen. Mothers Who Drive Their Daughters Crazy: Ten Types of “Impossible” Moms and How to Deal with Them. Rocklin, CA: Prima, 1997.

  Engel, Beverly. Divorcing a Parent. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.

  Engel, Lewis, and Tom Ferguson. Hidden Guilt: How to Stop Punishing Yourself and Enjoy the Happiness You Deserve. New York: Pocket Books, 1990.

  Farmer, Steven. Adult Children of Abusive Parents. New York: Ballantine Books, 1989.

  Secunda, Victoria. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends. New York: Dell Publishing, 1990.

  Step Three: Redefining Your Life

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  NINE POWERFUL PATHS FOR GROWTH AND HEALING

  Be not afraid of going slowly; be only afraid of standing still.

  —CHINESE PROVERB

  Emotionally leaving home and balancing your relationship with your parents can help lay the groundwork for Step Three: Redefining your life in terms of who you are and where you want to go, not in terms of your parents or your past.

  Here are nine paths to growth and healing that I have found particularly valuable for those who grew up controlled. They focus directly on undoing the distortions of power, size, feeling, thinking, relating, and identity that come with controlling territory. For each path, I offer exercises that my clients and I have found helpful, along with suggestions for further reading. You might test one or two paths and see if they benefit you. And, please, don’t fall into the perfectionistic trap of thinking that you must do all nine or that you have to do them perfectly!

  The nine paths:

  Identify and pursue your passions.

  Make a place for yourself in the world.

  Use your feelings as allies.

  Deepen connections with others without losing your sense of self.

  Identify and change thought patterns that limit you.

  Pursue greater self-acceptance.

  Live in the present.

  Seek peace with your body.

  Reduce your need to control life and others.

  1. Identify and Pursue Your Passions

  Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

  —GOETHE

  We are fluid, not static, beings. At any given moment each of us is either growing, maintaining, or shrinking in terms of our sense of self and personal power. One helpful measuring tool is a simple self-assessment you can use anytime, anywhere, particularly when you are feeling confused, self-blaming, or under assault. Ask yourself, “Right now, am I growing or shrinking?” Notice what makes you grow. Growth generally comes from facing challenges; feeling seen and heard; giving to others in a balanced way; meeting or exceeding your expectations; being creative; and, perhaps more than anything, pursuing what you are passionate about. Notice what makes you shrink. Noticing can help you identify and alter constricting behavior or situations and open the door to growth-oriented behaviors.

  Exercises

  Unlock your psychological clamps. Spaceship launching pads have powerful clamps that hold rockets down for a few moments even after ignition until a critical launch force is built up. If these clamps ever malfunctioned and didn’t let go, the spaceship would blow up or burn up. Perhaps many of your hesitancies and fears about why you can’t or shouldn’t follow your dreams are nothing more than psychological safety devices that have been holding on for too strongly or for too long. List the fears, beliefs, and expectations that keep you from exploring your dreams or passions. Then ask yourself, “If all of my fears disappeared, what would I pursue?”

  Learn from your heroes. Pick out a real or fictional character whom you’ve always admired or envied. What part of the character’s life intrigues you? What aspects of them do you want to emulate?

  See the deeper purpose of your actions. Each of us can benefit from discovering a purpose larger than personal concerns to motivate us in the face of life challenges. In fact, you can discover a greater purpose from even your smallest tasks. Once a day, at work or elsewhere, pause and ask yourself: “What am I creating?” Answer at least seven times, each time responding with a larger definition of what you are creating.

  For example, when going to work: 1) I am creating a fresh workday; 2) My work creates rewards for myself and others; 3) Rewards create energy for health, happiness, intimacy, and play; 4) Health, happiness, intimacy, and play create more fulfillment; 5) Living as more fulfilled creates the impetus to nurture others; 6) Nurturing others creates success and expansion in others’ lives; 7) Success and expansion in others’ lives benefits the entire community both now and in the future

  And so on.

  Take a risk. List some intimidating adventures you have thought about but never done, such as skydiving, bungee jumping, river rafting, horseback riding, taking a helicopter trip, or scuba diving. Pick one, find a safe, reputable company, and take the risk.

  Live your dreams. List twenty-five things, big and little, that you have always wanted to accomplish or experience. Prioritize them and begin to execute them.

  Envision ideal days in your life five, ten, and twenty-five years hence. Notice the key activities and experiences that would make those days ideal. Then draw up a plan for making these key elements part of your everyday life in some form.

  Resources

  Anderson, Nancy. Work with Passion: How to Do What You Love for a Living. San Rafael, CA: New World, 1995.

  Bolles, Richard Nelson. What Color Is Your Parachute? Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press, 1997.

  Sher, Barbara, and Annie Gottlieb. Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want. New York: Ballantine Books, 1986.

  2. Make a Place for Yourself in the World

  Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.

  —MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN

  If you grew up controlled, you grew up without a Bill of Rights. Now’s the time to assert your rights in the world.

  If you felt small and powerless around your parents, you may feel small and powerless around others in your work or
personal life—especially authority figures or controlling people. Exercises one through five below can help you develop more assertiveness.

  Making a place for yourself in the world also includes giving yourself permission to express yourself in new and different ways. Exercises six and seven give you ideas on how to do this.

  Exercises

  1. Develop your arsenal of self-defense. If another person abusively criticizes you, you have several options:

  a. Confront it. Say, “That sounded like an attack. Was it meant to be?” Another approach is to ask, “Would you repeat that?” After they do, say, “That’s what I thought you said,” and then say no more. Your lack of reaction can knock critical people off their stride and silence them.

  b. Play dumb, asking questions endlessly so attackers have to repeat and clarify their criticisms. By putting the explanatory focus on them, you increase your own power and dilute their attacks.

  c. Respond with a non sequitur. For example, if someone critically asks why you did something, give a completely nonrelated answer such as, “My dog is due for her rabies shot.” Or distract by completely changing the subject. Or ask an attacker a question you know she or he wants to answer. Or simply agree with them and move on.

  2. See bullies or critics as caricatures. Visualize a person who unfairly criticizes you as a bantam rooster strutting about, a brat throwing a tantrum, or a scared rabbit huddling in the corner. Visualize responding. With each word you say, the critic becomes smaller and fainter, as if you were turning a light-switch dimmer, until he or she vanishes. These techniques can balance power and size distortions you may have held since childhood.

  3. Make at least one mistake a day. Pick something that isn’t dangerous or crucial and intentionally flub it. Pass a great parking spot and find one farther from your destination. Park crooked. Mispronounce a word in a meeting. Say “I don’t know.” By deliberately making mistakes, we see that the consequences of failing are generally benign or far less dire than we fear. Realizing this affords greater freedom to risk and persevere.

  4. Be a controller too. If your parent was a bull in a china shop when it came to recognizing nuances in life, temporarily adopt that role in an exaggerated way. Find a cooperative person or situation where nothing is at stake and practice being obstinate, bullheaded, and simplistic. Notice if it gives you more energy than worrying and second-guessing yourself. Notice, too, if it drains energy from those around you. Ask others how it feels to be around such a controller. Let their responses validate how stressful it was for you as a child.

  5. You’re entitled. When your rights are violated, imagine that the violation is happening to your best friend or an innocent child. If you could intervene for them, wouldn’t you? If so, give yourself the same benefit of the doubt.

  6. Try new forms of self-protection. Try martial arts, tai chi, self-defense training, or assertiveness training.

  7. Try new forms of self-expression. Pursue classes or hobbies in the expressive or creative arts, such as singing, dancing, painting, pottery, acting, public speaking, writing, or poetry.

  Resources

  Butler, Pamela. Self-Assertion for Women. San Francisco: HarperSF, 1992.

  Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, MA: Bob Evans, 1992.

  Napier, Nancy. Getting Through the Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children. New York: W. W. Norton, 1993.

  Smith, Manuel. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books, 1985.

  3. Use Your Feelings as Allies

  Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

  —RALPH WALDO EMERSON

  Since many controlled children had their physical needs better taken care of than their emotional ones, feelings can be one of the most important areas in which to seek balance. Your parents may have lopped off some of your emotional limbs. By letting your feelings branch out, you’ll grow stronger.

  Emotions give you physical clues as to their identity. You may feel a pulsing in your ears as you get angry; a tightness across your jaw or chest when you are afraid; quickened or slowed breathing when you are worried. Use these “hints” to alert you to oncoming feelings so that you can attend to them rather than shutting them off.

  It’s also important to honor your sensitivity, especially if it was squashed or ridiculed by a controlling family. Controllers tend to be uncomfortable with others’ sensitivity and send messages that sensitivity is a flaw or a sin. Yet sensitivity to feelings, to others, and to yourself is truly a gift. Accepting and promoting your sensitivity can be healing after a lifetime of being shamed for it.

  Exercises

  Take the lid off. Since controlling parents often forced you to bottle up your anger, sadness, grief, rage, and joy, you may find it helpful to take off your emotional lid. Even if it seems forced or “pretend” at first, find a safe setting and scream, sing loudly, hit pillows, bang garbage cans. (Be sure to warm up your voice or body prior to this so you minimize the chances of strain or injury.) Taking the lid off extends your emotional range.

  Name that tune. Recall a recent situation in which you felt strongly, such as a reaction to a movie, TV show, or book. Pause for a few moments and notice as many subtle variations in your feelings and sensations as you can identify. Take your time. Don’t worry if it seems like several feelings are bound together. Observe each of those feelings, sitting with each one for a full minute.

  Expand your emotional range. Avenues include acting classes, rebirthing and holistic breath work, various types of body work, journal or poetry writing, painting or drawing.

  See what new environments can evoke in you. Watch children or animals playing, or a good movie. Volunteer to help feed the homeless on a major holiday. Notice the range of emotions you see in those around you. Take stock of what that evokes in you.

  Resources

  Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person. New York: Broadway Books, 1996.

  Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books, 1997.

  Lee, John, and Bill Stott. Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately. New York: Bantam Books, 1995.

  Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Anger. New York: HarperPerennial, 1985.

  Rubin, Theodore. The Angry Book. New York: Collier, 1993.

  4. Deepen Connections with Others Without Losing Your Sense of Self

  It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself.

  —BETTY FRIEDAN

  Intimate relationships can be difficult if you grew up controlled. Just as your parents’ control strategies came one relationship too late—they controlled in response to how they were raised, not in response to you—your strategies to avoid control may not be helpful with your friends and loved ones.

  Growth lies through balance: keeping a healthy sense of self, reality-testing your fears and perceptions, and allowing yourself to recognize that your childhood was then and this is now. If you grew up in social isolation, even a single, corrective relationship based on trust and respect—whether it is with a mate, friend, therapist, or coworker—will help you make great strides in undoing a lifetime of control.

  Exercises one through five offer ways to maintain your sense of self in relation to others. Exercises six through nine offer ways to reach out and touch others.

  Exercises

  Practice saying no. Say no at least three times a day, particularly to offers, requests, or situations that don’t benefit you. There are many ways in which to say no, ranging from polite but firm (“Thank you but I’d rather not”; “I’m sorry, I cannot”; “I’m afraid not”; “No thank you”) to emphatic and resolute (“No”; “I’m not interested”; “That doesn’t work for me”). Each time you say no, you put in a boundary that was violated when you were a child.

  Then practice saying yes. Say it at least once a day in situations that are safe but in which you might normally say no—particularly about things you’ve wanted b
ut haven’t felt entitled to.

  Not just smokers can step outside. If you feel yourself becoming lost, small, or depressed in the company of others, take a break. Stepping outside, taking a brief walk, or finding someplace to sit quietly and tune into yourself helps restore a balanced sense of self.

  Be “disagreeable” from time to time. In conversations with others, allow yourself to uphold an opposing opinion if it reflects your beliefs. Don’t allow yourself to grow quiet or withdrawn simply because you are the only one voicing a certain view.

  Break the cycle. Family therapist Virginia Satir suggests visualizing three families: your parents’ families when your parents were children; your family when you were a child; and your own children when they were (or may someday be) born. What’s different among the three families? What’s the same? What do you want to make sure does and does not get passed on? What do you hope your descendants will say about you?

  Tally your boundary setting. Notice each time you do not allow abusive or controlling people to abuse or control you. Each victory validates your progress. Even returning a defective purchase to a store for a full refund can be an instructive exercise.

  Acknowledge our interdependence. We carry within us all the teachers and friends who taught us and loved us; the animals we have befriended; the plants and animals we eat, wear, and use; the thousands of craftspeople, food growers, businesspeople, researchers, caregivers, entertainers, news gatherers, government employees, and so many others who make our lives easier and safer. While you may have had controlling parents who did you damage, you also carry within you the gifts of thousands of people who bear you no ill will and some of whom genuinely loved you. It may help to remind yourself of the interdependence we all carry as humans and visualize or thank those who have helped make your life easier and more fulfilled.