If You Had Controlling Parents

by Dan Neuharth

  Be cautious about verbalizing things from their parents’ point of view unless asked to do so. Otherwise, to them it may feel like a betrayal.

  Recognize that healing is uncharted territory for them as well as for your relationship. Perfectionism and judgment aren’t helpful. Healing has its phases. Trust them and yourself.

  Bill of Rights for Those Who Grew up Controlled (And Everyone Else)

  We hold these truths to be self-evident: All people have the right to:

  Ask questions

  Dissent

  Confront, prevent, or remove themselves from others’ abuse and unhealthy control

  Feel all their feelings and express them appropriately

  Develop their own values, thoughts, and goals

  Learn, grow, and connect with others

  Make mistakes, experiment, and be uncertain

  Choose whom they associate with

  Pursue happiness, success, and health

  Love and be loved, trust and earn others’ trust

  Self-respect and to earn others’ respect

  Pursue their spirituality

  Be here

  Notes on Research

  To recruit interview participants I posted notices at universities, libraries, other public gathering places, and computer on-line services asking for volunteers. I was stunned by the response. Calls came within six hours of the first posting and continued for more than twenty-four months. Twice as many people responded as I was able to interview.

  In the interviews, we explored participants’ upbringings; their parents’ and grandparents’ histories; the legacies of their parents’ control; their current struggles to relate to their parents; and, most of all, how they’ve tried to heal. Participants also completed a lengthy follow-up questionnaire about a year after their initial interview.

  This was not an easy process for those who volunteered. Several scheduled appointments only to cancel after having second thoughts. Others participated knowing that it might be uncomfortable. As one thirty-eight-year-old woman asked, “How much Kleenex should I bring?”

  Several people brought family pictures or artifacts. One woman even brought a flowchart mapping out the mixed messages and guilt-inducing statements made by her mother that stymied her early steps toward independence.

  Ultimately, most people seemed relieved by being able to talk. One fifty-three-year-old woman said after a four-hour interview, “I know I’ve talked nonstop but I was never, ever allowed to say anything growing up.”

  While the group of forty participants is not intended to represent the greater population in terms of cultural makeup or socioeconomic status, by many measures it was a diverse group. The forty adults interviewed ranged in age from twenty-three to fifty-eight. The average age was thirty-eight. Two thirds of participants were female, one third male. Half were either married or in stable relationships. A third were parents.

  Three quarters were college graduates. More than half were working in professional, managerial, educational, or artistic fields. About half were in psychotherapy when interviewed.

  A third of those interviewed were raised as Protestants, slightly more than a quarter as Catholics, slightly less than a quarter as Jewish, and the rest with little religious affiliation.

  All but two participants were living in the San Francisco Bay area when interviewed, though most participants had grown up outside California. Nearly a quarter of those interviewed were either born outside the United States or had lived a significant part of their early lives abroad.

  While this was primarily a group of white, middle-class professionals of Northern European descent, one out of five participants was from a minority ethnic or sexual culture. Two Latino/Latinas, one African American, one Asian American, and at least four gay men and lesbians were among the forty adults who participated. Of course, the role of parents and the meaning of “control” vary tremendously among African American, Asian American, Latino/Hispanic, and other cultural groups. While I was thankful for the breadth and richness of experience contributed by those who volunteered who were Latino or non-white, I make few generalizations about controlling parents in specific racial and ethnic groups. Participants’ stories and insights should be considered anecdotal and not necessarily representative of their cultural group as a whole.

  Sources for Statistics

  1. An estimated one in thirteen adults in the United States has grown up with unhealthy control. There are at least two ways to extrapolate a reliable estimate of the number of controlling parents and their children:

  Method #1. Based on reported cases of child abuse

  More than 3 million cases of child abuse occurred in 1997, according to the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse and the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. Of these, excess control has historically been shown to be a key factor in one third of child-abuse cases (Gil). That’s 1 million cases of child abuse annually in which excess control is a key factor.

  Taking into account historical figures of child-abuse prevalence and population size, and adjusting to avoid double-counting subsequent abuse of the same children, this suggests that nearly 13 million of the 199.5 million adults alive today were abused with excess control as children. This is 6.5 percent of the 1998 adult population.

  Method #2. Based on estimated prevalence of mental disorders that can lead to a controlling style

  Studies of the prevalence of mental disorders show that between 5.1 and 6.6 percent of the adult population has a mental disorder that would likely lead to controlling behavior (U.S. Census figures; the National Institutes of Mental Health 1992 Epidemiologic Catchment Area study; and studies by Swartz et al., Nestadt et al. (1991), Nestadt et al. (1994), Sanderson et al., Mavissakalian et al., Samuels et al., Resnick et al., Brom et al., Davidson et al., Breslau et al., Bourgeois et al., Bourdon et al., Oldham and Skodol, and Loewenstein). The applicable DSM-IV mental disorders include obsessive-compulsive disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, social phobia, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder; some mood and dissociative disorders; and the narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, schizoid, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders.

  Applying this figure to parents born prior to 1962 (the cut-off date for the vast majority of parents of those eighteen and older in 1998), adjusting to avoid counting mental disorders that occur among parents before or after their child-raising years, adjusting to avoid double-counting parents who have more than one disorder, and factoring in historic population and family size census figures, an estimated 13.9 million to 20.9 million adults alive today grew up with at least one controlling parent. This is 7 to 10.5 percent of the current U.S. adult population.

  Using either child-abuse figures or adult mental-disorder figures, at least 6.5 percent (13 million adults) and as many as 10.5 percent (20.9 million adults) of the current adult population grew up with abusive control. A conservative estimate would be one third the difference between high and low estimates, closer to the lowest estimate. The result: 7.8 percent, or more than 15 million adults, grew up with at least one controlling parent.

  I believe this figure is, if anything, on the low side. Much unhealthy control doesn’t meet the legal definitions of “child abuse,” and many parents who do not have a mental disorder nonetheless overcontrol their children. This estimate, however, provides at least a starting point for a discussion on unhealthy control of children.

  2. One in twenty children has a parent die during their childhood. From Jeffrey Dolgan, Ph.D., chief of psychology, Children’s Hospital, Denver. “The impact of loss on children,” unpublished article, August 1995.

  3. One in six children has a parent who abuses alcohol or is alcoholic during the child-raising years. Derived from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism “National Longitudinal Alcoholic Epidemiologic Survey,” 1992, and the National Association for Children of Alcoholics “Facts About Children of Alcoholics,” November 1995.

  4. One in seven children ha
s a parent who suffers serious depression or mental illness during the child-raising years. Derived from the National Institute of Mental Health “Epidemiologic Catchment Area Survey,” 1992.

  5. One in five children is physically or sexually abused. Derived from the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect “Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect,” 1996, and McCauley, Jeanne, et al., “Clinical Characteristics of Women with a History of Childhood Abuse,” Journal of the American Medical Association, May 7, 1997.

  WORKS CITED

  American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association, 1994.

  Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal. New York: HarperCollins, 1988.

  Bloomfield, Harold. Making Peace with Your Parents. New York: Ballantine Books, 1983.

  Bogue, Nila. “The Choice of a Lifetime.” Noetic Sciences Review, Summer (1994), p. 31.

  Bourdon, Karen, et al. “Estimating the prevalence of mental disorders in U.S. adults from the Epidemiologic Catchment Area Program Studies.” Public Health Reports, Vol. 107 (1992), p. 663.

  Bourgeois, James, et al. “An examination of narcissistic personality traits as seen in a military population.” Military Medicine, Vol. 158, 3 (Mar. 1993), pp. 170—174.

  Bowen, Murray. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson, 1978.

  Breslau, Naomi, et al. “Traumatic events and posttraumatic stress disorder in the urban population of young adults.” Archives of General Psychiatry, Vol. 48, 3 (Mar. 1991), pp. 216—222.

  Brom, Danny, et al. “The prevalence of posttraumatic psychopathology in the general and clinical population.” Israeli Journal of Psychiatry and Related Sciences, Vol. 28, 4 (1991), pp. 53—63.

  Capacchione, Lucia. The Power of Your Other Hand. North Hollywood, CA: Newcastle Publishing, 1988.

  Cocola, Nancy, and Arlene Matthews. How to Manage Your Mother. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1992.

  Davidson, Jonathan, et al. “Posttraumatic stress disorder in the community: An epidemiological study.” Psychological Medicine, Vol. 21, 3 (Aug. 1991), pp. 713—721.

  Farmer, Steven. Adult Children of Abusive Parents. New York: Ballantine Books, 1989.

  Forward, Susan, with Craig Buck. Toxic Parents. New York: Bantam, 1989.

  Gil, David. Violence Against Children. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1970.

  Golomb, Elan. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self. New York: William Morrow, 1992.

  Lew, Mike. Victims No Longer. New York: HarperCollins, 1988.

  Loewenstein, Richard. “Diagnosis, epidemiology, clinical course, treatment, and cost effectiveness for treatment for dissociative disorders and MPD.” Progress in the Dissociative Disorders, Vol. 7, 1 (Mar. 1994), pp. 3—11.

  Mavissakalian, Matig, et al. “Correlates of DSM-III personality disorder in obsessive compulsive disorder.” Comprehensive Psychiatry, Vol. 31, 6 (Nov./Dec., 1990), pp. 481—489.

  McGoldrick, Monica. You Can Go Home Again. New York: W. W. Norton, 1995.

  Middleton-Moz, Jane. Children of Trauma. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1989.

  Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child, rev. ed. New York: Basic Books, 1994.

  .—For Your Own Good, 3rd ed. New York: Noonday Press, 1990.

  Muller, Wayne. Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1992.

  Napier, Nancy. Getting Through the Day: Strategies for Adults Hurt as Children. New York: W. W. Norton, 1993.

  National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse. Current Trends in Child Abuse Reporting and Fatalities: The Results of the 1997 Annual Fifty State Survey. Chicago, IL: 1998.

  Navarro, Mireya. “Holocaust Survivors’ Emphasis Is on Life.” The New York Times, national edition, February 1995, p. 12.

  Nestadt, Gerald, et al. “Compulsive Personality Disorder: An epidemiological survey.” Psychological Medicine, Vol. 21, 2 (May 1991), pp. 461—471.

  .—“Obsessions and compulsions in the community.” Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavia, Vol. 89, 4 (Apr. 1994), pp. 219—224.

  Oldham, John, and Andrew Skodol. “Personality disorders in the public sector.” Hospital and Community Psychiatry, Vol. 42, 5 (May 1991), pp. 481—487.

  Resnick, Heidi, et al. “Prevalence of civilian trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder in a representative national sample of women.” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 61, 6 (Dec. 1993), pp. 984—991.

  Samuels, Jack, et al. “Personality Disorders in the Community.” American Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 151, 7 (June 1994), pp. 1055-1062.

  Sanderson, William, et al. “Prevalence of Personality Disorders among patients with anxiety disorders.” Psychiatry Research, Vol. 51, 2 (Feb. 1994), pp. 167—174.

  Satir, Virginia. Conjoint Family Therapy, 3rd ed. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books, 1983.

  Secunda, Victoria. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends. New York: Dell Publishing, 1990.

  .—Your Many Faces. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1978.

  Swartz, Marvin, et al. “Estimating the prevalence of borderline personality disorder in the community.” Journal of Personality Disorder, Vol. 4, 3 (Fall 1990), pp. 257—272.

  U.S. Bureau of the Census. Census of the U.S. and Current Population Reports. Washington, DC: 1990.

  U.S. Bureau of the Census. Resident Population of the United States: Estimates by Age and Sex. Washington, DC: 1998.

  U.S. Department of Health and Human Services National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. Child Maltreatment 1994: Reports from the States to the National Committee on Child Abuse and Neglect. Washington, DC: 1994.

  U.S. Department of Health and Human Services National Institute of Mental Health. Epidemiologic Catchment Area Survey. Washington, DC: 1992.

  Weiner-Davis, Michele. “Common Questions About Relationships.” USA Today, Nov. 29, 1994, pp. 4D.

  Wertsch, Mary Edwards. Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1991.

  Whitfield, Charles. Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1993.

  Wolin, Steven, and Sybil Wolin. The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity. New York: Villard Books, 1993.

  About the Author

  DAN NEUHARTH, PH.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. A popular speaker, college educator, and award-winning journalist, he specializes in helping adults cope with the challenges of unhealthy family control. He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

  If you would like to contact Dan Neuharth, Ph.D.:

  drdan@controllingparents.com

  Visit the author’s official website at www.controllingparents.com

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Praise from the Media

  “Full of down-to-earth advice and support for people whose parents might not have been physically or sexually abusive, but nonetheless limited their children’s lives with persistent, unhealthy control.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Explains how to make sure that your growing pains with your parents don’t develop into grown pains.”

  —New Woman

  “Doesn’t give a cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all recovery plan, but rather suggests several ‘paths to healing’ and exercises to help you ‘emotionally leave home.’ This is self-help at its best.”

  —Amazon.com

  “Accessible, clear, unambiguous…. Can help adults heal the wounds of the past, or at least reach a higher understanding.”

  —Florida TODAY

  “Neuharth writes and speaks from experience.”

  —Columbus Dispatch

  “An often-chilling insight into just how destructive a parent can be.”<
br />
  —Baltimore Sun

  “Invites readers to discover where they fall on the spectrum, and encourages them to offset the negative effects of such parenting through self-examination, self-responsibility and independence.”

  —Marin Independent Journal,

  Marin County, CA

  “Explains how overcontrolling parents discourage dissent, stifle strong emotions, criticize more than praise, mete out harsh discipline, make children earn their love, and insist that they’re always right.”

  —Democrat and Chronicle, Rochester, NY

  “A fresh, compelling, and probing analysis of a lifelong struggle that too few of us confront. Most importantly, the book leads us to an epiphany: more than endure, we can prevail.”

  —Walter Anderson, author of The Confidence

  Course and executive editor, Parade

  “It’s a terrific book. When the book arrived at the station, I just inhaled it. I loved it.”

  —Ann Cody, host, Common Ground, WZLX,

  Boston

  “If you wonder whether you were raised by controlling parents, I urge you to get this book. It’s a wonderful book.”

  —Marcia Kimpton, host, ParenTalk, KVON,

  Napa, California

  Praise from Readers

  “Your book has really helped me get rid of the feelings of self-hatred and blame I had.”

  —A.A., Kansas

  “Validation!…After years of slow, determined self-discovery, finally a book that identifies exactly the condition I suffered in my family.”

  —B.G., Illinois

  “I found my life on every page.”

  —G.H., Colorado

  “You’ve given me enough to work with that I can almost see my way through an upcoming visit to my mother.”

  —A.G.

  “Your book has given me different insight into my parents’ behavior and how I might more effectively deal with it…. I have realized that I don’t need to apologize to my mother for my career and life opportunities, better relationships with others in my family, and a good life.”