by T. Smollett
CHAPTER II.
He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore Trunnion and hisAdherents--Meets with them by Accident, and contracts an Intimacy withthat Commander.
This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the charactersin the county; and, among others, described that of his next neighbour,Commodore Trunnion, which was altogether singular and odd. "Thecommodore and your worship," said he, "will in a short time be hand andglove, he has a power of money, and spends it like a prince--that is, inhis own way--for to be sure he is a little humorsome, as the saying is,and swears woundily; though I'll be sworn he means no more harm than asucking babe. Lord help us! it will do your honour's heart good to hearhim tell a story, as how he lay alongside of the French, yard-arm andyard-arm, board and board, and of heaving grapplings, and stink-pots,and grapes, and round and double-headed partridges, crows and carters.Lord have mercy upon us! he has been a great warrior in his time, andlost an eye and a heel in the service. Then he does not live like anyother Christian land-man; but keeps garrison in his house, as if hewere in the midst of his enemies, and makes his servants turn out inthe night, watch and watch as he calls it, all the year round. Hishabitation is defended by a ditch, over which he has laid a draw-bridge,and planted his court-yard with patereroes continually loaded with shot,under the direction of one Mr. Hatchway, who had one of his legs shotaway while he acted as lieutenant on board the commodore's ship; andnow, being on half-pay, lives with him as his companion. The lieutenantis a very brave man, a great joker, and, as the saying is, hath got thelength of his commander's foot--though he has another favourite in thehouse called Tom Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and now keeps theservants in order. Tom is a man of few words, but an excellent hand ata song concerning the boatswain's whistle, hustle-cap, andchuck-farthing--there is not such another pipe in the county--so thatthe commodore lives very happy in his own manner; though he be sometimesthrown into perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of hispoor kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of them were thefirst occasion of his going to sea. Then he sweats with agony at thesight of an attorney, just, for all the world, as some people have anantipathy to a cat: for it seems he was once at law, for striking one ofhis officers, and cast in a swinging sum. He is, moreover, exceedinglyafflicted with goblins that disturb his rest, and keep such a racket inhis house, that you would think (God bless us!) all the devils in hellhad broke loose upon him. It was no longer ago than last year aboutthis time, that he was tormented the livelong night by the mischievousspirits that got into his chamber, and played a thousand pranks abouthis hammock, for there is not one bed within his walls. Well, sir,he rang his bell, called up all his servants, got lights, and madea thorough search; but the devil a goblin was to be found. He had nosooner turned in again, and the rest of the family gone to sleep, thanthe foul fiends began their game anew. The commodore got up in thedark, drew his cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that infive minutes everything in the apartment went to pieces, The lieutenant,hearing the noise, came to his assistance. Tom Pipes, being told whatwas the matter, lighted his match, and going down to the yard, fired allthe patereroes as signals of distress. Well, to be sure the whole parishwas in a pucker: some thought the French had landed; others imagined thecommodore's house was beset by thieves; for my own part, I called up twodragoons that are quartered upon me, and they swore, with deadly oaths,it was a gang of smugglers engaged with a party of their regiment thatlies in the next village; and mounting their horses like lusty fellows,rode up into the country as fast as their beasts could carry them. Ah,master! These are hard times, when an industrious body cannot earn hisbread without fear of the gallows. Your worship's father (God rest hissoul!) was a good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish ase'er a he that walks upon neat's leather; and if your honour should wanta small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of right Nantes, I'll bebound you shall be furnished to your heart's content. But, as I wassaying, the hubbub continued till morning, when the parson being sentfor, conjured the spirits into the Red Sea; and the house has beenpretty quiet ever since. True it is, Mr. Hatchway makes a mock of thewhole affair; and told his commander, in this very blessed spot, thatthe two goblins were no other than a couple of jackdaws which had fallendown the chimney, and made a flapping with their wings up and down theapartment. But the commodore, who is very choleric, and does not liketo be jeered, fell into a main high passion, and stormed like a perfecthurricane, swearing that he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well ase'er a man in the three kingdoms. He owned, indeed, that the birds werefound, but denied that they were the occasion of the uproar. For my ownpart, master, I believe much may be said on both sides of the question;though to be sure, the devil is always going about, as the saying is."
This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was, never altered onefeature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle, who, having heard it to anend, took the pipe from his mouth, saying, with a look of infinitesagacity and deliberation, "I do suppose he is of the Cornish Trunnions.What sort of a woman is his spouse?" "Spouse!" cried the other;"odds-heart! I don't think he would marry the queen of Sheba.Lack-a-day! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to be in the garrison,but turns them into an out-house every night before the watch is set.Bless your honour's soul, he is, as it were, a very oddish kind of agentleman. Your worship would have seen him before now; for, when heis well, he and my good master Hatchway come hither every evening, anddrink a couple of cans of rumbo a piece; but he has been confined tohis house this fortnight by a plaguy fit of the gout, which, I'll assureyour worship, is a good penny out of my pocket."
At that instant, Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strangenoise, as even discomposed the muscles of his face, which gave immediateindications of alarm. This composition of notes at first resembledthe crying of quails, and croaking of bull-dogs; but as it approachednearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds pronounced with greatviolence, in such a cadence as one would expect to hear from a humancreature scolding through the organs of an ass; it was neither speakingnor braying, but a surprising mixture of both, employed in the utteranceof terms absolutely unintelligible to our wondering merchant, who hadjust opened his mouth to express his curiosity, when the starting up atthe well-known sound, cried, "Odd's niggers! there is the commodore withhis company, as sure as I live," and with his apron began to wipe thedust off an elbow-chair placed at one side of the fire, and kept sacredfor the ease and convenience of this infirm commander. While he was thusoccupied, a voice, still more uncouth than the former, bawled aloud,"Ho! the house, a-hoy!" Upon which the publican, clapping a hand to eachside of his head with his thumbs fixed to his ears, rebellowed in thesame tone, which he had learned to imitate, "Hilloah." The voice againexclaimed, "Have you got any attorneys aboard?" and when the landlordreplied, "No, no," this man of strange expectation came in, supported byhis two dependents, and displayed a figure every way answerable tothe oddity of his character. He was in stature at least six feet high,though he had contracted a habit of stooping, by living so long onboard; his complexion was tawny, and his aspect rendered hideous by alarge scar across his nose, and a patch that covered the place ofone eye. Being seated in his chair, with great formality the landlordcomplimented him upon his being able to come abroad again; and having ina whisper communicated the name of his fellow-guest, whom the commodorealready knew by report, went to prepare, with all imaginable despatch,the first allowance of his favourite liquor, in three separate cans (foreach was accommodated with his own portion apart), while the lieutenantsat down on the blind side of his commander; and Tom Pipes, knowing hisdistance, with great modesty took his station in the rear.
After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun by thisferocious chief, who, fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with asternness of countenance not to be described, addressed him in thesewords: "D-- my eyes! Hatchway, I always took you to be a better seamanthan to overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood! didn't I tellyou we were runnin
g bump ashore, and bid you set in the ice-brace, andhaul up a wind?"--"Yes," replied the other, with an arch sneer, "I doconfess as how you did give such orders, after you had run us foul ofa post, so as that the carriage lay along, and could not rightherself."--"I run you foul of a post!" cried the commander: "d-- myheart! you're a pretty dog, an't you, to tell me so above-board to myface? Did I take charge of the chaise? Did I stand at the helm?"--"No,"answered Hatchway; "I must confess you did not steer; but, howsomever,you cunned all the way, and so, as you could not see how the land lay,being blind of your larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knewanything of the matter, Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth ofwhat I say."--"D-- my limbs!" resumed the commodore, "I don't value whatyou or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a couple of mutinous--I'll say nomore; but you shan't run your rig upon me, d-- ye, I am the man thatlearnt you, Jack Hatchway, to splice a rope and raise a perpendicular."
The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of hiscaptain, did not choose to carry on the altercation any further;but taking up his can, drank to the health of the stranger, who verycourteously returned the compliment, without, however, presuming to joinin the conversation, which suffered a considerable pause. During thisinterruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in several practicaljokes upon the commodore, with whom he knew it was dangerous to tamperin any other way. Being without the sphere of his vision, he securelypilfered his tobacco, drank his rumbo, made wry faces, and, to use thevulgar phrase, cocked his eye at him, to the no small entertainment ofthe spectators, Mr. Pickle himself not excepted, who gave evident tokensof uncommon satisfaction at the dexterity of this marine p pantomime.
Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided, and he was pleasedto desire Hatchway, by the familiar and friendly diminutive of Jack,to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him. This task wasaccordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant, who, among paragraphs,read that which follows, with an elevation of voice which seemed toprognosticate something extraordinary: "We are informed, that AdmiralBower will very soon be created a British peer, for his eminent servicesduring the war, particularly in his late engagement with the Frenchfleet."
Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence: the ringdropped front his hand, and shivered into a thousand pieces; his eyeglistened like that of a rattle-snake; and some minutes elapsed beforehe could pronounce, "Avast! overhaul that article again!"
It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the table with hisfist, he started up, and, with the most violent emphasis of rage andindignation, exclaimed, "D-- my heart and liver! 'tis a land lie, d'yesee; and I will maintain it to be a lie, from the sprit-sail yard to themizen-top-sail haulyards! Blood and thunder! Will. Bower a peer of thisrealm! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce knows a mast from a manger!a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have ordered to the gun, for stealingeggs out of the hen-coops! and I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded aship before he could keep a reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, andforgotten! If so be as this be the case, there is a rotten plank in ourconstitution, which ought to be hove down and repaired, d-- my eyes! Formy own part, d'ye see, I was none of your Guinea pigs: I did not rise inthe service by parlamenteering interest, or a handsome b-- of a wife.I was not over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart thequarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the wrists. D-- mylimbs! I have been a hard-working man, and served all offices on boardfrom cook's shifter to the command of a vessel. Here, you Tunley,there's the hand of a seaman, you dog."
So saying, he laid hold on the landlord's fist, and honoured him withsuch a squeeze, as compelled him to roar with great vociferation, tothe infinite satisfaction of the commodore, whose features were a littleunblended by this acknowledgment of his vigour; and he thus proceeded,in a less outrageous strain: "They make a d--d noise about thisengagement with the French: but, egad! it was no more than a bumboatbattle, in comparison with some that I have seen. There was old Rook andJennings, and another whom I'll be d--d before I name, that knew whatfighting was. As for my own share, d'ye see, I am none of those thathallo in their own commendation: but if so be that I were minded tostand my own trumpeter, some of those little fellows that hold theirheads so high would be taken all aback, as the saying is: they wouldbe ashamed to show their colours, d-- my eyes! I once lay eight glassesalongside of the Flour de Louse, a French man-of-war, though her mettlewas heavier, and her complement larger by a hundred hands than mine.You, Jack Hatchway, d-- ye, what d'ye grin at! D'ye think I tell astory, because you never heard it before?"
"Why, look ye, sir," answered the lieutenant, "I am glad to find you canstand your own trumpeter on occasion; though I wish you would change thetune, for that is the same you have been piping every watch for theseten months past. Tunley himself will tell you he has heard it fivehundred times."--"God forgive you! Mr. Hatchway," said the landlord,interrupting him; "as I am an honest man and a housekeeper, I neverheard a syllable of the matter."
This declaration, though not strictly true, was extremely agreeableto Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph, observed, "Aha! Jack,I thought I should bring you up, with your gibes and your jokes: butsuppose you had heard it before, is that any reason why it shouldn'tbe told to another person? There's the stranger, belike he has heard itfive hundred times too; han't you, brother?" addressing himself to Mr.Pickle; who replying, with a look expressing curiosity, "No, never;" hethus went on: "Well, you seem to be an honest, quiet sort of a man;and therefore you must know, as I said before, I fell in with a Frenchman-of-war, Cape Finistere bearing about six leagues on the weather bow,and the chase three leagues to leeward, going before the wind: whereuponI set my studding sails; and coming up with her, hoisted my jack andensign, and poured in a broadside, before you could count three rattlinsin the mizen shrouds; for I always keep a good look-out, and love tohave the first fire."
"That I'll be sworn," said Hatchway: "for the day we made the Triumphyou ordered the men to fire when she was hull-to, by the same token webelow pointed the guns at a flight of gulls; and I won a can of punchfrom the gunner by killing the first bird."
Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great vehemence, "You lie,lubber! D-- your bones! what business have you to come always athwartmy hawse in this manner? You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can bear witnesswhether or not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of a ----, and thatupon the word of a seaman: how did the chase bear of us when I gaveorders to fire?"
Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called upon to give hisevidence, after divers strange gesticulations, opened his mouth likea gasping cod, and with a cadence like that of the east wind singingthrough a cranny, pronounced, "Half a quarter of a league right upon ourlee-beam."
"Nearer, you porpuss-faced swab," cried the commodore, "nearer bytwelve fathom: but, howsomever, that's enough to prove the falsehood ofHatchway's jaw--and so, brother, d'ye see," turning to Pickle, "I layalongside of the Flour de Louse, yard-arm and yard-arm, plying out greatguns and small arms, and heaving in stink-pots, powder-bottles, andhand-grenades, till our shot was all expended, double-headed, partridgeand grape: then we loaded with iron crows, marlin-spikes, and old nails;but finding the Frenchman took a good deal of drubbing, and that he hadshot away all our rigging, and killed and wounded a great number of ourmen, d'ye see, I resolved to run him on board upon his quarter, and soordered our grapplings to be got ready; but monsieur, perceiving what wewere about, filled his topsails and sheered off, leaving us like a logupon the water, and our scuppers running with blood."
Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention to therehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion was encouraged to entertainthem with more stories of the same nature; after which he observed, byway of encomium on the government, that all he had gained in the servicewas a lame foot and the loss of an eye. The lieutenant, who could notfind in his heart to lose any opportunity of being witty at the expenseof his commander, gave a loose to his satirical talent once more,saying,--"I
have heard as how you came by your lame foot, by havingyour upper decks over-stowed with liquor, whereby you became crank, androlled, d'ye see, in such a manner, that by a pitch of the ship yourstarboard heel was jammed in one of the scuppers; and as for the matterof your eye, that was knocked out by your own crew when the Lightningwas paid off: there's poor Pipes, who was beaten into all the colours ofthe rainbow for taking your part, and giving you time to sheer off; andI don't find as how you have rewarded him according as he deserves."
As the commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes, howeverunseasonably they were introduced, he affected to receive them with goodhumour, as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing; and replied, "Ay,ay, Jack, everybody knows your tongue is no slander; but, howsomever,I'll work you to an oil for this, you dog." So saying, he lifted up oneof his crutches, intending to lay it gently across Mr. Hatchway's pate;but Jack, with great agility, tilted up his wooden leg, with which hewarded off the blow, to the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utterastonishment of the landlord, who, by the bye, had expressed the sameamazement, at the same feet, at the same hour, every night, for threemonths before. Trunnion then, directing his eye to the boatswain's mate,"You, Pipes," said he, "do you go about and tell people that I did notreward you for standing by me, when I was bustled by these rebelliousrapscallions? D-- you, han't you been rated on the books ever since?"
Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his pipe withgreat indifference, and never dreamed of paying any regard to theseinterrogations; which being repeated and reinforced with many oaths,that, however, produced no effect, the commodore pulled out his purse,saying, "Here, you b-- baby, here's something better than a smartticket;" and threw it at his silent deliverer, who received and pocketedhis bounty, without the least demonstration of surprise or satisfaction;while the donor, turning to Mr. Pickle, "You see, brother," said he, "Imake good the old saying; we sailors get money like horses, and spendit like asses: come, Pipes, let's have the boatswain's whistle, and bejovial."
This musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver instrumentthat hung at the button-hole of his jacket, by a chain of the samemetal, and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes, produceda sound so loud and shrill, that the stranger, as it were instinctively,stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hearing from such adangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed, Pipes fixed hiseyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended from the ceiling, andwithout once moving them from that object, performed the whole cantatain a tone of voice that seemed to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipeand a sow-gelder's horn: the commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord,joined in the chorus, repeating this elegant stanza:--
Bustle, bustle, brave boys! Let us sing, let us toil, And drink all the while, Since labour's the price of our joys.
The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was lifted toevery man's mouth with admirable uniformity; and the next word takenup at the end of their draught with a twang equally expressive andharmonious. In short, the company began to understand one another;Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment, and a correspondenceimmediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by thehand, drank to further acquaintance, and even invited him to a messof pork and pease in the garrison. The compliment was returned,good-fellowship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced, whenthe merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master home; uponwhich, the new friends parted, after a mutual promise of meeting nextevening in the same place.
CHAPTER III.