by T. Smollett
The Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has recourse toArtifice in the Establishment of her Throne--She exhibits Symptoms ofPregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who, nevertheless, isbalked in his expectation.
These innovations were not effected without many loud objections onhis part; and divers curious dialogues passed between him and hisyoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute; insomuch,that his countenance gradually fell: he began to suppress, and at lengthentirely devoured, his chagrin; the terrors of superior authority wereplainly perceivable in his features; and in less than three monthshe became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his obstinacy wasextinguished, though overcome. In some things he was as inflexible andmulish as ever; but then he durst not kick so openly, and was reducedto the necessity of being passive in his resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, forexample, proposed that a coach and six should be purchased, as she couldnot ride on horseback, and the chaise was a scandalous carriage for aperson of her condition. The commodore, conscious of his own inferiorcapacity in point of reasoning, did not think proper to dispute theproposal but lent a deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, thoughthey were enforced with every argument which she thought could soothe,terrify, shame or decoy him into compliance. In vain did she urgethe excess of affection she had for him as meriting some return oftenderness and condescension: he was even proof against certain menacinghints she gave touching the resentment of a slighted woman; and he stoodout against all the considerations of dignity or disgrace like a bulwarkof brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind expressions ofcontradiction, even when she upbraided him with his sordid disposition,and put him in mind of the fortune and honour he had acquired by hismarriage, but seemed to retire within himself, like a tortoise whenattacked, that shrinks within its shell, and silently endured thescourge of her reproaches, without seeming sensible of the smart.
This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled sinceher nuptials; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage, shetortured her invention for some new plan by which she might augmenther influence and authority. What her genius refused was supplied byaccident; for she had not lived four months in the garrison, whenshe was seized with frequent qualms and retchings; in a word, shecongratulated herself on the symptoms of her own fertility; and thecommodore was transported with joy at the prospect of an heir of his ownbegetting.
She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own sovereignty,and accordingly employed the means which nature had put in her power.There was not a rare piece of furniture or apparel for which she did notlong; and one day, as she went to church, seeing Lady Stately's equipagearrive, she suddenly fainted away. Her husband, whose vanity had neverbeen so perfectly gratified as with this promised harvest of his ownsowing, took the alarm immediately; and in order to prevent relapses ofthat kind, which might be attended with fatal consequence to his hope,gave her leave to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her ownliking. Thus authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such aspecimen of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation tothe whole country, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him; becausehe foresaw no limits to her extravagance which also manifested itself inthe most expensive preparations for her lying-in.
Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the representative of herfather's house, seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect, andprompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her family.She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve that implied aconscious superiority; and an emulation in point of grandeur immediatelycommenced between the two sisters. She every day communicated herimportance to the whole parish, under pretence of taking the air inher coach, and endeavoured to extend her acquaintance among people offashion. Nor was this an undertaking attended with great difficulty, forall persons whatever capable of maintaining a certain appearance, willalways find admission into what is called the best company, and berated in point of character according to their own valuation, withoutsubjecting their pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination. Inall her visits and parties she seized every opportunity of declaring herpresent condition, observing that she was forbid by her physicians totaste such a pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman in herway; nay, where she was on a footing of familiarity, she affected tomake wry faces, and complained that the young rogue began to be veryunruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had beengrievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion. The husbandhimself did not behave with all the moderation that might have beenexpected. At the club he frequently mentioned this circumstance of hisown vigour as a pretty successful feat to be performed by an old fellowof fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion of his strength by redoubledsqueezes of the landlord's hand, which never failed of extorting asatisfactory certificate of his might. When his companions drank to theHans en kelder, or Jack in the low cellar, he could not help displayingan extraordinary complacence of countenance, and signified his intentionof sending the young dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry acartridge, in hopes of seeing him an officer before his own death.
This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary expense towhich he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when heconsidered that his compliance with her prodigality would be limited tothe expiration of the nine months, of which the best part was by thistime elapsed: yet, in spite of all this philosophical resignation, herfancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous and intolerable pitch ofinsolence and absurdity, that his temper forsook him, and he couldnot help wishing in secret that her pride might be confounded in thedissipation of her most flattering hopes, even though he himself shouldbe a principal sufferer by the disappointment. These, however, were noother than the suggestions of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsidedas suddenly as they arose, and never gave the least disturbance to theperson who inspired them, because he took care to conceal them carefullyfrom her knowledge.
Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the promise of afavourable issue: the term of her computation expired, and in the middleof the night she was visited by certain warnings that seemed to bespeakthe approach of the critical moment. The commodore got up with greatalacrity, and called the midwife, who had been several days in thehouse; the gossips were immediately summoned, and the most interestingexpectations prevailed; but the symptoms of labour gradually vanished,and as the matrons sagely observed, this was no more than a false alarm.
Two nights after they received a second intimation, and as she wassensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be in afair way; yet this visitation was not more conclusive than the former;her pains wore off in spite of all her endeavours to encourage them,and the good women betook themselves to their respective homes, inexpectation of finding the third attack decisive, alluding to thewell-known maxim, that "number three is always fortunate." For once,however, this apophthegm failed; the next call was altogether asineffectual as the former; and moreover, attended with a phenomenonwhich to them was equally strange and inexplicable: this was no otherthan such a reduction in the size of Mrs. Trunnion as might have beenexpected after the birth of a full-grown child. Startled at such anunaccountable event, they sat in close divan; and concluding thatthe case was in all respects unnatural and prodigious, desired that amessenger might be immediately despatched for some male practitioner inthe art of midwifery.
The commodore, without guessing the cause of her perplexity, orderedPipes immediately on this piece of duty, and in less than two hoursthey were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood,who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child. Thisasseveration was like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who had been,during eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation of beinghailed with the appellation of father.
After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant fellow,and that he would not take his word for what he advanced, beingcomforted and confirmed in his want of faith b
y the insinuations ofthe midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs. Trunnion with hopes of aspeedy and safe delivery; observing that she had been concerned in manya case of the same nature, where a fine child was found, even after allsigns of the mother's pregnancy had disappeared. Every twig of hope, howslender soever it may be, is eagerly caught hold on by people who findthemselves in danger of being disappointed. To every question proposedby her to the lady, with the preambles of "Han't you?" or "Don't you?"answer was made in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not,because the respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptomthat might favour the notion she had so long indulged.
This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore kept inclose attendance for the space of three weeks, during which the patienthad several returns of what she pleased herself with believing to belabour pains, till at length, she and her husband became the standingjoke of the parish; and this infatuated couple could scarce be prevailedupon to part with their hope, even when she appeared as lank as agreyhound, and they were furnished with other unquestionable proofs oftheir having been deceived. But they could not for ever remain underthe influence of this sweet delusion, which at last faded away, and wassucceeded by a paroxysm of shame and confusion, that kept the husbandwithin-doors for the space of a whole fortnight, and confined his ladyto her bed for a series of weeks, during which she suffered all theanguish of the most intense mortification; yet even this was subdued bythe lenient hand of time.
The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict dischargeof what are called the duties of religion, which she performed withthe most rancorous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her ownfamily, that made the house too hot for all the menial servants, evenruffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes, harassed thecommodore himself out of all patience, and spared no individual butLieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to disoblige.
CHAPTER XI.