The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  The Commodore takes Peregrine under his own care--The Boy arrives atthe Garrison--Is strangely received by his own Mother--Enters into aConfederacy with Hatchway and Pipes, and executes a couple of waggishEnterprises upon his Aunt.

  Trunnion having obtained this permission, that very afternoon despatchedthe lieutenant in a post-chaise to Keypstick's house, from whence in twodays he returned with our young hero, who being now in the eleventhyear of his age, had outgrown the expectation of all his family, and wasremarkable for the beauty and elegance of his person. His godfather wastransported at his arrival, as if he had been actually the issue ofhis own loins: he shook him heartily by the hand, turned him round andround, surveyed him from top to bottom, bade Hatchway take notice howhandsomely he was built; and squeezed his hand again, saying,--"D-- ye,you dog, I suppose you don't value such an old crazy son of a b-- as mea rope's end. You have forgot how I was wont to dandle you on my knee,when you was a little urchin no bigger than a davit, and played athousand tricks upon me, burning my 'bacco-pouches and poisoning myrumbo. O! d-- ye, you can grin fast enough I see; I warrant you havelearnt more things than writing and the Latin lingo."

  Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful occasion;and, coming up to Perry, thrust forth his fore paw, and accosted himwith the salutation of "What cheer, my young master? I am glad to seethee with all my heart." These compliments being passed, his unclehalted to the door of his wife's chamber, at which he stood hallooing,"Here's your kinsman, Perry: belike you won't come and bid himwelcome."--"Lord, Mr. Trunnion," said she, "why will you continuallyharass me in this manner with your impertinent intrusion?"-"I harrowyou!" replied the commodore: "'sblood! I believe your upper works aredamaged: I only came to inform you that here was your cousin, whom youhave not seen these four long years; and I'll be d--d if there is suchanother of his age within the king's dominions, d'ye see, either formake or mettle: he's a credit to the name, d'ye see: but, d-- my eyes,I'll say no more of the matter: if you come, you may; if you won't,you may let it alone."--"Well, I won't come, then," answered hisyoke-fellow, "for I am at present more agreeably employed."--"Oho!you are. I believe so too," cried the commodore, making wry faces andmimicking the action of dram-drinking. Then, addressing himself toHatchway, "Prithee, Jack," said he, "go and try thy skill on thatstubborn hulk: if anybody can bring her about, I know you wool."

  The lieutenant accordingly, taking his station at the door, conveyedhis persuasion in these words: "What, won't you turn out and hail littlePerry? It will do your heart good to see such a handsome young dog; I'msure he is the very moral of you, and as like as if he had been spit outof your own mouth, as the saying is: do show a little respect for yourkinsman, can't you?" To this remonstrance she replied, in a mild tone ofvoice, "Dear Mr. Hatchway, you are always teasing one in such a manner:sure I am, nobody can tax me with unkindness, or want of naturalaffection." So saying, she opened the door, and, advancing to the hallwhere her nephew stood, received him very graciously and observed thathe was the very image of her papa.

  In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the house of hisparents; and, strange to tell, no sooner was he presented to his mother,than her countenance changed, she eyed him with tokens of affliction andsurprise, and, bursting into tears, exclaimed her child was dead, andthis was no other than an impostor whom they had brought to defraud hersorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this unaccountable passion, which hadno other foundation than caprice and whim; and Gamaliel himself was sodisconcerted and unsettled in his own belief, which began to waver,that he knew not how to behave towards the boy, whom his godfatherimmediately carried back to the garrison, swearing all the way thatPerry should never cross their threshold again with his good-will. Nay,so much was he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation, thathe refused to carry on any further correspondence with Pickle, until hewas appeased by his solicitations and submission, and Peregrine owned ashis son and heir. But this acknowledgment was made without the privityof his wife, whose vicious aversion he was obliged, in appearance, toadopt. Thus exiled from his father's house, the young gentleman was leftentirely to the disposal of the commodore, whose affection for him dailyincreased, insomuch that he could scarcely prevail upon himself topart with him, when his education absolutely required that he should beotherwise disposed of.

  In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not produced,at least riveted by that peculiar turn in Peregrine's imagination, whichwe have already observed; and which, during his residence in the castle,appeared in sundry stratagems he practised upon his uncle and aunt,under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway who assisted him in the contrivanceand execution of all his schemes. Nor was Pipes exempted from a share intheir undertakings; for, being a trusty fellow, not without dexterityin some cases, and altogether resigned to their will, they found him aserviceable instrument for their purpose, and used him accordingly.

  The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs. Trunnion. Theyterrified that good lady with strange noises when she retired to herdevotion. Pipes was a natural genius in the composition of discords: hecould imitate the sound produced by the winding of a jack, the filingof a saw, and the swinging of a malefactor hanging in chains; he couldcounterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching of a night-owl, thecaterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog, the squeaking of a pig,the crowing of a cock; and he had learned the war-whoop uttered by theIndians in North America. These talents were exerted successively,at different times and places, to the terror of Mrs. Trunnion, thediscomposure of the commodore himself, and the consternation of allthe servants in the castle. Peregrine, with a sheet over his clothes,sometimes tumbled before his aunt in the twilight, when her organs ofvision were a little impaired by the cordial she had swallowed; and theboatswain's mate taught him to shoe cats with walnut-shells, so thatthey made a most dreadful clattering in their nocturnal excursions.

  The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by these alarms,which, in her opinion, portended the death of some principal person inthe family; she redoubled her religious exercises, and fortified herspirits with fresh potations; nay, she began to take notice that Mr.Trunnion's constitution was very much broken, and seemed dissatisfiedwhen people observed that they never saw him look better. Her frequentvisits to the closet, where all her consolation was deposited, inspiredthe confederates with a device which had like to have been attended withtragical consequences. They found an opportunity to infuse jalap in oneof her case-bottles; and she took so largely of this medicine, that herconstitution had well nigh sunk under the violence of its effect. Shesuffered a succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brinkof the grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by aphysician, who was called in the beginning of her disorder.

  After having examined the symptoms, he declared that the patient hadbeen poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed only draughts and lubricatinginjections, to defend the coats of the stomach and intestines fromthe vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral; at the same timehinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that it was not difficult todivine the whole mystery. He affected to deplore the poor lady, as ifshe was exposed to more attempts of the same nature; thereby glancingobliquely at the innocent commodore, whom the officious son ofAesculapius suspected as the author of this expedient, to rid his handsof a yoke-fellow for whom he was well known to have no great devotion.This impertinent and malicious insinuation made some impression upon thebystanders, and furnished ample field for slander to asperse the moralsof Trunnion, who was represented through the whole district as a monsterof barbarity. Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with greatdecency and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffidenceof her husband; not that she imagined he had any design upon her life,but that he had been at pains to adulterate the brandy with a view ofdetaching her from that favourite liquor.

  On this supposition, she resolved to act with more caution for thefuture, without setting on foot any inquiry about the aff
air; while thecommodore, imputing her indisposition to some natural cause, after thedanger was past, never bestowed a thought upon the subject; so that theperpetrators were quit of their fear, which, however, had punished themso effectually, that they never would hazard any more jokes of the samenature.

  The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commander himself,whom they teased and terrified almost out of his senses. One day, whilehe was at dinner, Pipes came and told him that there was a personbelow that wanted to speak with him immediately, about an affair of thegreatest importance, that would admit of no delay; upon which he orderedthe stranger to be told that he was engaged, and that he must send uphis name and business. To this demand he received for answer a messageimporting that the person's name was unknown to him, and his businessof such a nature, that it could not be disclosed to any one but thecommodore himself, whom he earnestly desired to see without loss oftime.

  Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with great reluctance,in the middle of his meal, and descending to a parlour where thestranger was, asked him, in a surly tone, what he wanted with him insuch a d--d hurry, that he could not wait till he had made an end of hismess? The other, not at all disconcerted at this rough address, advancedclose up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look of confidence andconceit, laying his mouth to one side of the commodore's head, whisperedsoftly in his car, "Sir, I am the attorney whom you wanted to conversewith in private."--"The attorney?" cried Trunnion, staring, andhalf-choked with choler. "Yes, sir, at your service," replied thisretainer of the law; "and, if you please, the sooner we despatch theaffair the better; for 'tis an old observation, that delay breedsdanger."--"Truly, brother," said the commodore, who could no longercontain himself, "I do confess that I am very much of your way ofthinking, d'ye see, and therefore you shall be despatched in a trice."So saying, he lifted up his walking-staff, which was something betweena crutch and a cudgel, and discharged it with such energy on the seat ofthe attorney's understanding, that if there had been anything but solidbone, the contents of his skull must have been evacuated.

  Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults, he could notwithstand the momentum of the blow, which in an instant laid him flaton the floor, deprived of all sense and motion; and Trunnion hoppedupstairs to dinner, applauding himself in ejaculations all the way forthe vengeance he had taken on such an impudent pettifogging miscreant.

  The attorney no sooner awaked from his trance, into which he had been sounexpectedly killed, than he cast his eyes around in quest of evidence,by which he might be enabled the more easily to prove the injury he hadsustained, but not a soul appearing, he made shift to get upon his legsagain, and, with the blood trickling over his nose, followed one of theservants into the dining-room, resolved to come to an explanation withthe assailant, and either extort money from him by way of satisfaction,or provoke him to a second application before witnesses. With thisview, he entered the room in a peal of clamour, to the amazement of allpresent, and the terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who shrieked at the appearanceof such a spectacle; and addressing himself to the commodore, "I'lltell you what, sir," said he; "if there be law in England, I'll make yousmart for this here assault." You think you have screened yourself froma prosecution by sending all your servants out of the way; but thatcircumstance will appear upon trial to be a plain proof of the maliceprepense with which the fact was committed; especially when corroboratedby the evidence of this here letter, under your own hand, whereby I amdesired to come to your own house to transact an affair of consequence.So he produced the writing, and read the contents in these words:--

  "Mr. Roger Ravine. Sir,--Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I desire you will give me a call precisely at three o'clock in the afternoon, and insist upon seeing myself, as I have an affair of great consequence, in which your particular advice is wanted by your humble servant, "Hawser Trunnion."

  The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the chastisement hehad already bestowed upon the plaintiff, hearing him read this audaciouspiece of forgery, which he considered as the effect of his own villainy,started up from table, and seizing a huge turkey that lay in a dishbefore him, would have applied it, sauce and all, by way of poultice, tohis wound, had he not been restrained by Hatchway, who laid fast hold onboth his arms, and fixed him to his chair again, advising the attorneyto sheer off with what he had got. Far from following this salutarycounsel, he redoubled his threats: set Trunnion at defiance, telling himhe not a man of true courage, although he had commanded a ship of war,or else he would not have attacked any person in such a cowardly andclandestine manner. This provocation would have answered his purposeeffectually, had not his adversary's indignation been repressed by thesuggestions of the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, tobe easy, for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in ablanket for his presumption. This proposal, which he received withgreat approbation, pacified him in a moment: he wiped the sweat from hisforehead, and his features relaxed into a grim smile.

  Hatchway disappeared; and Ravine proceeded with great fluency of abuse,until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes, who, without anyexpostulation, led him out by the hand, and conducted him to the yard,where he was put into a carpet, and in a twinkling sent into the air bythe strength and dexterity of five stout operators, whom the lieutenanthad selected from the number of domestics for that singular spell ofduty.

  In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of God, that theywould take pity upon him, and put an end to his involuntary gambols:they were deaf to his prayers and protestations, even when he swore,in the most solemn manner, that if they would cease tormenting him, hewould forget and forgive what was past, and depart in peace to his ownhabitation; and continued the game till they were fatigued with theexercise.

  Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight, brought an actionof assault and battery against the commodore, and subpoenaed all theservants as evidences in the cause; but as none of them had seen whathappened, he did not find his account in the prosecution, though hehimself examined all the witnesses, and, among their questions, asked,whether they had not seen him come in like another man? and whether theyhad ever seen any other man in such condition as that in which hehad crawled off. But this last interrogation they were not obligedto answer, because it had reference to the second discipline he badundergone, in which they, and they only, were concerned; and no personis bound to give testimony against himself.

  In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfaction of all whoknew him, and found himself under the necessity of proving that he hadreceived, in course of post, the letter which was declared in court ascandalous forgery, in order to prevent an indictment with which he wasthreatened by the commodore, who little dreamt that the whole affair hadbeen planned and executed by Peregrine and his associates.

  The next enterprise in which this triumvirate engaged, was a scheme tofrighten Trunnion with an apparition, which they prepared and exhibitedin this manner: to the hide of a large ox, Pipes fitted a leathern vizorof a most terrible appearance, stretched on the jaws of a shark, whichhe had brought from sea, and accommodated with a couple of broad glassesinstead of eyes. On the inside of these he placed two rushlights, and,with a composition of sulphur and saltpetre, made a pretty large fusee,which he fixed between two rows of the teeth. This equipage beingfinished, he, one dark night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and,following the commodore into a long passage, in which he was preceded byPerry with a light in his hand, kindled his firework with a match, andbegan to bellow like a bull. The boy, as it was concerted, looked behindhim, screamed aloud, and dropped the light, which was extinguishedin the fall; when Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation,exclaimed, "Zounds! what's the matter?" and turning about to see thecause of his dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue flame, whichaggravated the horrors of its aspect. He was instantly seized with anagony of fear, which divested him of his rea
son: nevertheless, he, as itwere mechanically, raised his trusty supporter in his own defence,and, the apparition advancing towards him, aimed it at this dreadfulannoyance with such a convulsive exertion of strength, that had not theblow chanced to light upon one of the horns Mr. Pipes would have had nocause to value himself upon his invention. Misapplied as it was, he didnot fail to stagger at the shock; and, dreading another such salutation,closed with the commodore, and having tripped up his heels, retreatedwith great expedition.

  It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect himself a little,ran, with all the marks of disturbance and affright, and called up theservants to the assistance of their master, whom they found in a coldsweat upon the floor, his features betokening horror and confusion.Hatchway raised him up, and having comforted him with a cup of Nantz,began to inquire into the cause of his disorder: but he could notextract one word of answer from his friend, who, after a considerablepause, during which he seemed to be wrapt in profound contemplation,pronounced aloud, "By the Lord! Jack, you may say what you wool; butI'll be d-- if it was not Davy Jones himself. I know him by his saucereyes, his three rows of teeth, his horns and tail, and the blue smokethat came out of his nostrils. What does the blackguard hell's babywant with me? I'm sure I never committed murder, except in the way of myprofession, nor wronged any man whatsomever since I first went to sea."This same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors, is thefiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep, and isoften seen in various shapes, perching among the rigging on the eve ofhurricanes, shipwrecks, and other disasters, to which a seafaring lifeis exposed; warning the devoted wretch of death and woe. No wonder thenthat Trunnion was disturbed by a supposed visit of this demon, which, inhis opinion, foreboded some dreadful calamity.

  CHAPTER XIV.