The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  His Messenger meets with a Misfortune, to which he applies a veryextraordinary Expedient that is attended with strange Consequences.

  As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village where she lived,Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and accordinglydeparted on this message, though he was but indifferently qualified forcommissions of such a nature. Having received particular injunctionsabout the letter, he resolved to make that the chief object of his care,and very sagaciously conveyed it between the stocking and the sole ofhis foot, where he thought it would be perfectly secure from all injuryor accident. Here it remained until he arrived at the inn where he hadformerly lodged, when, after having refreshed himself with a draught ofbeer, he pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sulliedwith dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his footin walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck atthis phenomenon, he uttered it loud whew! which was succeeded by anexclamation of "D-- my old shoes! a bite by G--!" then he rested hiselbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and in thatattitude deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying thismisfortune.

  As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he soon concludedthat his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish, whohe knew was a great scholar, to write another epistle according tothe directions he should give him; and never dreaming that the mangledoriginal would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very wiselycommitted it to the flames, that it might never rise up in judgmentagainst him.

  Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to whomhe communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way ofgratification. The clerk, who was also schoolmaster, proud of anopportunity to distinguish his talents, readily undertook the task; andrepairing with his employer to the inn, in less than a quarter of anhour produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the satisfaction ofPipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment, and doubledhis allowance of beer. This being discussed, our courier betook himselfto the house of Mrs. Gauntlet with the haunch of venison and thissuccedaneous letter, and delivered his message to the mother, whoreceived it with great respect, and many kind inquiries about the healthand welfare of his master, attempting to tip the messenger a crown,which he absolutely refused to accept, in consequence of Mr. Pickle'srepeated caution. While the old gentlewoman turned to a servant in orderto give directions about the disposal of the present, Pipes looked uponthis as a favourable occasion to transact his business with Emilia, andtherefore shutting one eye, with a jerk of his thumb towards his leftshoulder, and a most significant twist of his countenance he beckonedthe young lady into another room as if he had been fraught withsomething of consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood thehint, howsoever strangely communicated, and, by stepping to one side ofthe room gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her hand,which he gently squeezed at the same time in token of regard: thenthrowing a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned, clappedhis finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending secrecy anddiscretion.

  Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not help smiling atTom's politeness and dexterity; but lest her mamma should detect him inthe execution of his pantomime, she broke off this intercourse of signs,by asking aloud when he proposed to set out on his return to Winchester?When he answered, "To-morrow morning." Miss Gauntlet recommended himto the hospitality of her own footman, desiring him to make much ofMr. Pipes below, where he was kept to supper, and very cordiallyentertained. Our young heroine, impatient to read her lover's billet,which made her heart throb with rapturous expectation, retired to herchamber as soon as possible, with a view of perusing the contents, whichwere these:--

  "Divine Empress Of My Soul,--If the refulgent flames of your beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of stolidity, perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity transcend the galaxy itself, though wafted on the pinions of a gray goose quill! But, ah! celestial enchantress! the necromancy of thy tyrannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt I must eternally remain in the Tartarean gulf of dismal despair. Vouchsafe, therefore, O thou brightest luminary of this terrestrial sphere! to warm, as well as shine; and let the genial rays of thy benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which hath frozen up the spirits of angelic pre-eminence.--Thy most egregious admirer and superlative slave, "Peregrine Pickle."

  Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia, when sheread this curious composition, which she repeated verbatim three timesbefore she would credit the evidence of her own senses. She began tofear in good earnest that love had produced a disorder in her lover'sunderstanding; but after a thousand conjectures by which she attemptedto account for this extraordinary fustian of style, she concluded thatit was the effect of mere levity, calculated to ridicule the passion hehad formerly professed. Irritated by this supposition, she resolvedto balk his triumph with affected indifference, and in the mean timeendeavoured to expel him from that place which he possessed within herheart. And indeed such a victory over her inclinations might have beenobtained without great difficulty; for she enjoyed an easiness of temperthat could accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate; and hervivacity, by amusing her imagination, preserved herself from the keenersensations of sorrow. Thus determined and disposed, she did not sendany sort of answer, or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, whowas suffered to depart with a general compliment from the mother, andarrived at Winchester the next day.

  Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come in, and hestretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some particularmark of his Emilia's affection; but how was he confounded, when he foundhis hope so cruelly disappointed! In an instant his countenance fell.He stood for some time silent and abashed, then thrice repeated theinterrogation of "What! not one word from Emilia?" and dubious of hiscourier's discretion, inquired minutely into all the particulars of hisreception. He asked if he had seen the young lady, if she was in goodhealth, if he had found an opportunity of delivering his letter, and howshe looked, when he put it into her hand? Pipes answered, that he hadnever seen her in better health or better spirits; that he had managedmatters so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also toask her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told himthat the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he consideredas a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips with resentment.Upon further reflection, however, he supposed that she could notconveniently write by the messenger, and would undoubtedly favour him bythe post. This consideration consoled him for the present, and he waitedimpatiently for the fruits of his hope; but after he had seen eightdays elapse without reaping the satisfaction with which he had flatteredhimself, his temper forsook him, he raved against the whole sex, and wasseized with a fit of sullen chagrin; but his pride in a little time cameto his assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholyfiend. He resolved to retort her own neglect upon her ungratefulmistress; his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity; andthough by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery, he appearedagain at public diversions with an air of gaiety and unconcern, thatEmilia might have a chance of hearing how much, in all likelihood, hedisregarded her disdain.

  There are never wanting certain officious persons, who take pleasure inpromoting intelligence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached the earsof Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she had conceivedfrom his letter; so that she fortified herself in her former sentiments,and bore his indifference with great philosophy, Thus a correspondence,which had commenced with all the tenderness and sincerity of love,and every promise of duration, was interrupted in its infancy by amisunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity of Pipes, who
never oncereflected upon the consequences of his deceit.

  Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for thepresent, it was not altogether extinguished, but glowed in secret,though even to themselves unknown, until an occasion, which afterwardsoffered, blew up the latent flame, and love resumed his empire intheir breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere of eachother's attraction, the commodore, hearing that Perry was in danger ofinvolving himself in some pernicious engagement, resolved, by adviceof Mr. Jolter and his friend the parish priest, to recall him from theplace where he had contracted such imprudent connections, and send himto the university, where his education might be completed, and his fancyweaned from all puerile amusements.

  This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as hath been alreadyobserved, stood always neuter in everything that concerned his eldestson; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heard his name mentionedsince his departure with any degree of temper or tranquility, exceptwhen her husband informed her that he was in a fair way of being ruinedby this indiscreet amour. It was then she began to applaud her ownforesight, which had discerned the mark of reprobation in that viciousboy, and launched out in comparison between him and Gammy, who, sheobserved, was a child of uncommon parts and solidity, and, with theblessing of God, would be a comfort to his parents, and an ornament tothe family.

  Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so much, was inevery respect the reverse of what she described; that he was a boy ofmean capacity, and, though remarkably distorted in his body, much morecrooked in his disposition; and that she had persuaded her husband toespouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common sense, as well asto his own perception;--I am afraid the reader will think I represent amonster that never existed in nature, and be apt to condemn the economyof my invention: nevertheless, there is nothing more true than everycircumstance of what I have advanced; and I wish the picture, singularas it is, may not be thought to resemble more than one original.

  CHAPTER XX.