The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Trunnion is enraged at the conduct of Pickle--Peregrine resents theInjustice of his Mother, to whom he explains his Sentiments in aLetter-Is entered at the University of Oxford, where he signalizeshimself as a Youth of an enterprising Genius.

  Unspeakable were the transports of rage to which Trunnion was incensedby this absurd renunciation: he tore the letter with his gums (teethhe had none), spit with furious grimaces, in token of the contempthe entertain the for the author, whom he not only damned as a lousy,scabby, nasty, scurvy, skulking lubberly noodle, but resolved tochallenge to single combat with fire and sword; but, he was dissuadedfrom this violent measure, and appeased by the intervention and adviceof the lieutenant and Mr. Jolter, who represented the message as theeffect of the poor man's infirmity, for which he was rather an objectof pity than of resentment, and turned the stream of his indignationagainst the wife, whom he reviled accordingly. Nor did Peregrine himselfbear with patience this injurious declaration, the nature of which he nosooner understood from Hatchway than, equally shocked and exasperated,he retired to his apartment, and, in the first emotions of his ire,produced the following epistle, which was immediately conveyed to hismother,--

  "Madam,--Had nature formed me a bugbear to the sight, and inspired me with a soul as vicious as my body was detestable, perhaps I might have enjoyed particular marks of your affection and applause; seeing you have persecuted me with such unnatural aversion, for no other visible reason than that of my differing so widely in shape as well as disposition from that deformed urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care. If these be the terms on which alone I can obtain your favour, I pray God you may never cease to hate,--Madam, your much-injured son, "Peregrine Pickle."

  This letter, which nothing, but his passion and inexperience couldexcuse, had such an effect upon his mother as may be easily conceived.She was enraged to a degree of frenzy against the writer; though, at thesame time, she considered the whole as the production of Mrs. Trunnion'sparticular pique, and represented it to her husband as an insult that hewas bound in honour to resent, by breaking off all correspondence withthe commodore and his family. This was a bitter pill to Gamaliel, who,through a long course of years, was so habituated to Trunnion's company,that he could as easily have parted with a limb as have relinquished theclub all at once. He therefore ventured to represent his own incapacityto follow her advice, and begged that he might, at least, be allowed todrop the connection gradually, protesting that he would do his endeavourto give her all manner of satisfaction.

  Meanwhile preparations were made for Peregrine's departure to theuniversity, and in a few weeks he set out, in the seventeenth yearof his age, accompanied by the same attendants who lived with him atWinchester. His uncle laid strong injunctions upon him to avoid thecompany of immodest women, to mind his learning, to let him hear ofhis welfare as often as he could find time to write, and settledhis appointments at the rate of five hundred a year, including hisgovernor's salary, which was one-fifth part of the sum. The heart ofour young gentleman dilated at the prospect of the figure he should makewith such a handsome annuity the management of which was left to hisown discretion; and he amused his imagination with the most agreeablereveries during his journey to Oxford, which he performed in two days.Here, being introduced to the head of the college, to whom he had beenrecommended, accommodated with genteel apartments, entered as gentlemancommoner in the books, and provided with a judicious tutor, instead ofreturning to the study of Greek and Latin, in which he thought himselfalready sufficiently instructed, he renewed his acquaintance with someof his old school-fellows, whom he found in the same situation, and wasby them initiated in all the fashionable diversions of the place.

  It was not long before he made himself remarkable for his spirit andhumour, which were so acceptable to the bucks of the university, that hewas admitted as a member of their corporation, and in a very little timebecame the most conspicuous personage of the whole fraternity. Not thathe valued himself upon his ability in smoking the greatest numberof pipes, and drinking the largest quantity of ale: these werequalifications of too gross a nature to captivate his refined ambition.He piqued himself on his talent for raillery, his genius and taste,his personal accomplishments, and his success at intrigue. Nor were hisexcursions confined to the small villages in the neighbourhood, whichare commonly visited once a week by the students for the sake of carnalrecreation. He kept his own horses, traversed the whole country inparties of pleasure, attended all the races within fifty miles ofOxford, and made frequent jaunts to London, where he used to beincognito during the best part of many a term.

  The rules of the university were too severe to be observed by a youthof his vivacity; and therefore he became acquainted with the proctorbetimes. But all the checks he received were insufficient to moderatehis career; he frequented taverns and coffee-houses, committed midnightfrolics in the streets, insulted all the sober and pacific class ofhis fellow-students: the tutors themselves were not sacred from hisridicule; he laughed at the magistrate, and neglected every particularof college discipline. In vain did they attempt to restrain hisirregularities by the imposition of fines; he was liberal to profusion,and therefore paid without reluctance. Thrice did he scale the windowsof a tradesman, with whose daughter he had an affair of gallantry; asoften was he obliged to seek his safety by a precipitate leap; and onenight would, in all probability, have fallen a sacrifice to an ambuscadethat was laid by the father, had not his trusty squire Pipes interposedin his behalf, and manfully rescued him from the clubs of his enemies.

  In the midst of these excesses, Mr. Jolter, finding his admonitionsneglected and his influence utterly destroyed, attempted to wean hispupil from his extravagant courses, by engaging his attention in somemore laudable pursuit. With this view he introduced him into a clubof politicians, who received him with great demonstrations of regard,accommodated themselves more than he could have expected to his jovialdisposition, and while they revolved schemes for the reformation of thestate, drank with such devotion to the accomplishment of theirplans, that, before parting, the cares of their patriotism were quiteoverwhelmed.

  Peregrine, though he could not approve of their doctrine, resolved toattach himself for some time to their company, because he perceivedample subject for his ridicule in the characters of these wrong-headedenthusiasts. It was a constant practice with them, in their midnightconsistories, to swallow such plentiful draughts of inspiration, thattheir mysteries commonly ended like those of the Bacchanalian orgia; andthey were seldom capable of maintaining that solemnity of decorum which,by the nature of their functions, most of them were obliged to profess.Now, as Peregrine's satirical disposition was never more gratified thanwhen he had an opportunity of exposing grave characters in ridiculousattitudes, he laid a mischievous snare for his new confederates, whichtook effect in this manner:--In one of their nocturnal deliberations,he promoted such a spirit of good fellowship by the agreeable salliesof his wit, which were purposely leveled against their politicaladversaries, that by ten o'clock they were all ready to join in the mostextravagant proposal that could be made. They broke their glasses inconsequence of his suggestion, drank healths out of their shoes, caps,and the bottoms of the candlesticks that stood before them, sometimesstanding with one foot on a chair, and the knee bent on the edge ofthe table; and when they could no longer stand in that posture, settingtheir bare posteriors on the cold floor. They huzzaed, hallooed, danced,and sang, and, in short, were elevated to such a pitch of intoxication,that when Peregrine proposed that they should burn their periwigs, thehint was immediately approved, and they executed the frolic as one man.Their shoes and caps underwent the same fate by the same instigation,and in this trim he led them forth into the street, where they resolvedto compel everybody they should find to subscribe to their politicalcreed, and pronounce the Shibboleth of their party. In the achievementof this enterprise, they met with more opposition than they expected;they were encountered with arguments whic
h they could not wellwithstand; the noses of some, and eyes of others, in a very littletime bore the marks of obstinate disputation. Their conductor having atlength engaged the whole body in a fray with another squadron which waspretty much in the same condition, he very fairly gave them the slip,and slyly retreated to his apartment, foreseeing that his companionswould soon be favoured with the notice of their superiors: nor was hedeceived in his prognostic; the proctor, going his round, chanced tofall in with this tumultuous uproar, and, interposing his authority,found means to quiet the disturbance. He took cognizance of their names,and dismissed the rioters to their respective chambers, not a littlescandalized at the behaviour of some among them, whose business andduty it was to set far other examples for the youth under their care anddirection.

  About midnight, Pipes, who had orders to attend at a distance, and keepan eye upon Jolter, brought home that unfortunate governor upon hisback, Peregrine having beforehand secured his admittance into thecollege; and among other bruises, he was found to have received a coupleof contusions on his face, which next morning appeared in a black circlethat surrounded each eye.

  This was a mortifying circumstance to a man of his character anddeportment, especially as he had received a message from the proctor,who desired to see him forthwith. With great humility and contritionhe begged the advice of his pupil, who being used to amuse himself withpainting, assured Mr. Jolter that he would cover those signs of disgracewith a slight coat of flesh-colour so dexterously, that it would bealmost impossible to distinguish the artificial from the natural skin.The rueful governor, rather than expose such opprobrious tokens to theobservation and censure of the magistrate, submitted to the expedient.Although his counsellor had overrated his own skill, he was persuaded toconfide in the disguise, and actually attended the proctor, with sucha staring addition to the natural ghastliness of his features, thathis visage bore a very apt resemblance to some of those ferociouscountenances that hang over the doors of certain taverns and ale-houses,under the denomination of the Saracen's head.

  Such a remarkable alteration of physiognomy could not escape the noticeof the most undiscerning beholder, much less the penetrating eye of hissevere judge, already whetted with what he had seen over-night. He wastherefore upbraided with this ridiculous and shallow artifice, and,together with the companions of his debauch, underwent such a cuttingreprimand for the scandalous irregularity of his conduct, that all ofthem remained crest-fallen, and were ashamed, for many weeks, to appearin the public execution of their duty.

  Peregrine was too vain of his finesse, to conceal the part he acted inthis comedy, with the particulars of which he regaled his companions,and thereby entailed upon himself the hate and resentment of thecommunity whose maxims and practices he had disclosed: for he wasconsidered as a spy, who had intruded himself into their society, with aview of betraying it; or, at best, as an apostate and renegado from thefaith and principles which he had professed.

  CHAPTER XXII.