by T. Smollett
The Doctor prepares an Entertainment in the Manner of the Ancients,which is attended with divers ridiculous Circumstances.
In a word, our young gentleman, by his insinuating behaviour, acquiredthe full confidence of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment,which he intended to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle,struck with this idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honouredwith many encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius andapprehension; and the day was appointed at some distance of time,that the treater might have leisure to compose certain pickles andconfections which were not to be found among the culinary preparationsof these degenerate days. With a view of rendering the physician's tastemore conspicuous, and extracting from it the more diversion, Peregrineproposed that some foreigners should partake of the banquet; and thetask being left to his care and discretion, he actually bespoke thecompany of a French marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whomhe knew to be egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhancethe joy of the entertainment.
Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotelwhere the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations withan elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were receivedby Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his friendsuperintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the guestsunderstood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties inthe execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had beendismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences toobey his directions in things that were contrary to the present practiceof their art; and that although he had at last engaged a person, byan extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the fellow was soastonished, mortified, and incensed at the commands he had received,that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees to be releasedfrom the agreement he had made; but finding that his employer insistedupon the performance of his contract, and threatened to introduce himto the commissaire if he should flinch from the bargain, he had, in thedischarge of his office, wept, sang, cursed, and capered for two wholehours without intermission.
While the company listened to this odd information, by which they wereprepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears were invadedby a voice that exclaimed in French, "For the love of God! dear sir! forthe passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the mortification of the honeyand oil!" Their ears still vibrated with the sound, when the doctorentering, was by Peregrine made acquainted with the strangers, to whomhe, in the transports of his wrath, could not help complaining of thewant of complaisance he had found in the Parisian vulgar, by which hisplan had been almost entirely ruined and set aside. The French marquis,who thought the honour of his nation was concerned at this declaration,professed his sorrow for what had happened, so contrary to theestablished character of the people, and undertook to see thedelinquents severely punished, provided he could be informed of theirnames or places of abode.
The mutual compliments that passed on this occasion were scarcefinished, when a servant, coming into the room, announced dinner; andthe entertainer led the way into another apartment, where they found along table, or rather two boards joined together, and furnished with avariety of dishes, the steams of which had such evident effect upon thenerves of the company, that the marquis made frightful grimaces, underpretence of taking snuff; the Italian's eyes watered; the German'svisage underwent several distortions of features; our hero found meansto exclude the odour from his sense of smelling, by breathing onlythrough his mouth; and the poor painter, running into another room,plugged his nostrils with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the onlyperson present, whose organs were not discomposed, pointing to a coupleof couches placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he wassorry he could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, whichwere somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they wouldhave the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in hisrespective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would placethemselves upright at the ends, that they might have the pleasure ofserving those that lay along. This disposition, of which the strangershad no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a mostridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other,on pretence of disputing the lower seat, but in reality with a view ofprofiting by the example of one another, for neither of them understoodthe manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed theirconfusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with the mostmischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking possession of theupper place.
In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continue acting apantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated themto waive all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be spoiledbefore the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, Peregrine tookthe lower couch on the left-hand-side, laying himself gently down, withhis face towards the table. The marquis, in imitation of this pattern(though he would have much rather fasted three days than run the risk ofdiscomposing his dress by such an attitude), stretched himself upon theopposite place, reclining upon his elbow in a most painful and awkwardsituation, with his head raised above the end of the couch, that theeconomy of his hair might not suffer by the projection of his body. TheItalian, being a thin limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle,without sustaining any misfortune but that of his stocking being tornby a ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with therest of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supplein his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with suchprecipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furiouscontact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in atwinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon theside of his couch, with such violence, that his periwig was struck off,and the whole room filled with pulvilio.
The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely vanquishedthe affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged tosuppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief in his mouth; for thebare-headed German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, andthe marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as weresufficient to awake the mirth of a quietist.
This misfortune being repaired as well as the circumstances ofthe occasion would permit, and every one settled according to thearrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to givesome account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company might bedirected in their choice: and with an air of infinite satisfaction thusbegan: "This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, served up in a saucecomposed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, rue, anchovies; I wishfor your sakes, gentlemen, it was one of the geese of Ferrara, so muchcelebrated among the ancients for the magnitude of their livers, oneof which is said to have weighed upwards of two pounds; with this food,exquisite as it was, did the tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. ButI beg pardon, I had almost forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessaryan article at all tables in France. At each end there are dishes of thesalacacabia of the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese,pine-tops, honey, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; theother is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then thereis a loin of veal boiled with fennel and caraway-seed, on a pottagecomposed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious hachis of thelights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a dish of roastedpigeons. Monsieur le baron, shall I help you to a plate of this soup?"The German, who did not at all disapprove of the ingredients, assentedto the proposal, and seemed to relish the composition; while the marquisbeing asked by the painter which of the silly-kickabys he chose, was,in consequence of his desire, accommodated with a portion of thesoup-maigre; and the count, in lieu of spoon-meat, of which he said hewas no great admirer, supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conformingto the choice of our young gentleman, whose example he determined tofollow through the whole course of the entertainment.
The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful
, made a full pause,his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, his eyesrolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary contractions anddilatations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this connoisseur, with aview of consulting his taste, before he himself would venture upon thesoup, began to be disturbed at these motions, and observed, with someconcern, that the poor gentleman seemed to be going into a fit; whenPeregrine assured him, that these were symptoms of ecstasy, and, forfurther confirmation, asked the marquis how he found the soup. It waswith infinite difficulty that his complaisance could so far masterhis disgust as to enable him to answer, "Altogether excellent, upon myhonour!" and the painter being certified of his approbation, lifted thespoon to his mouth without scruple, but far from justifying the eulogiumof his taster, when this precious composition diffused itself upon hispalate, he seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat likethe leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at bothsides of his mouth.
The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired intothe cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, and sworethat he would rather swallow porridge made of burning brimstone, thansuch an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, the physician, inhis own vindication, assured the company, that, except the usualingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but some sal ammoniacinstead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now be procured;and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum was not animprovement on the whole. The unfortunate petit-maitre, driven tothe extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to be a masterlyrefinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of honour, to evincehis sentiments by his practice, forced a few more mouthfuls of thisdisagreeable potion down his throat, till his stomach was so muchoffended, that he was compelled to start up of a sudden; and, in thehurry of his elevation, overturned his plate into the bosom of thebaron. The emergency of this occasion would not permit him to stay andmake apologies for his abrupt behaviour; so that he flew into anotherapartment, where Pickle found him puking and crossing himself with greatdevotion; and a chair, at his desire, being brought to the door, heslipped into it more dead than alive, conjuring his friend Pickle tomake his peace with the company, and in particular excuse him to thebaron, on account of the violent fit of illness with which he had beenseized. It was not without reason that he employed a mediator; for whenour hero returned to the dining-room, the German got up, and wasunder the hands of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a richembroidered waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune,stamped upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet,and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with greatdeliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him that thedamage done might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hotiron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face,appeased his indignation by telling him how much the whole company, andespecially, the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the unhappysalacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two pies, oneof dormice liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the doctor hadsubstituted in the room of toasted poppy-seed, formerly eaten withhoney, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of pork baked inhoney.
Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up his handsand eyes, and with signs of loathing and amazement, pronounced, "Apie made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord in heaven! what beastlyfellows those Romans were!" His friend checked him for his irreverentexclamation with a severe look, and recommended the veal, of which hehimself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to the company, that thebaron resolved to imitate his example, after having called for a bumperof Burgundy, which the physician, for his sake, wished to have been thetrue wine of Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the tablewhich he would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and hadrecourse to the veal also; although he could not help saying that hewould not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all thedainties of a Roman Emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitationsand assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the hachisand the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in which hetold them were divers of those dishes, which among the ancients hadobtained the appellation of politeles, or magnificent. "That whichsmokes in the middle," said he, "is a sow's stomach, filled with acomposition of minced pork, hog's brains, eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic,aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and pickle. On the right-hand side arethe teats and belly of a sow, just farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil,flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed,or rather purged, with milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet are frittersof pompions, lovage, origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pulletsroasted and stuffed in the manner of Apicius."
The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of thesow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which hadundergone purgation, he no sooner heard him mention the roasted pullets,than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which the doctordesired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and accordinglysent them round, while Pallet tucked the table-cloth under his chin,and brandished his knife and fork with singular address: but scarce werethey set down before him, when the tears ran down his cheeks; and hecalled aloud, in a manifest disorder, "Zounds! this is the essence of awhole bed of garlic!" That he might not, however, disappoint or disgracethe entertainer, he applied his instruments to one of the birds; andwhen he opened up the cavity, was assaulted by such an irruption ofintolerable smells, that, without staying to disengage himself from thecloth, he sprang away, with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involvedthe whole table in havoc, ruin, and confusion.
Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with the syrupof the dormouse pie, which went to pieces in the general wreck; and asfor the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's stomach, which,bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon his leg and thigh,and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked with anguish, and grinnedwith a most ghastly and horrible aspect.
The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was not atall displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a calamity asthat which he had already shared; but the doctor was confounded withshame and vexation. After having prescribed an application of oil tothe count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for the misadventure, which heopenly ascribed to want of taste and prudence in the painter, who didnot think proper to return, and make an apology in person; and protestedthat there was nothing in the fowls which could give offence to asensible nose, the stuffing being a mixture of pepper, lovage, andassafoetida, and the sauce consisting of wine and herring-pickle, whichhe had used instead of the celebrated garum of the Romans; that famouspickle having been prepared sometimes of the scombri, which were asort of tunny-fish, and sometimes of the silurus, or shad-fish: nay, heobserved that there was a third kind, called garum haemation, made ofthe guts, gills, and blood of the thynnus.
The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish theorder of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had beendiscomposed, ordered everything to be removed, a clean cloth to be laid,and the dessert to be brought in. Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacityto give them a specimen of the aliens, or fish meals of the ancients,such as the jus diabaton, the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, ishard of digestion; the cornuta, or gurnard, described by Pliny in hisNatural History, who says, the horns of many of them were a foot anda half in length, the mullet and lamprey, that were in the highestestimation of old, of which last Julius Caesar borrowed six thousand forone triumphal supper. He observed that the manner of dressing them wasdescribed by Horace, in the account he gives of the entertainment towhich Maecenas was invited by the epicure Nasidienus:--
Affertur squillas inter muraena natantes, etc.
and told them that they were commonly eaten with the thus Syriacum,a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the purgativenature of the fish. This learned physician ga
ve them to understand, thatthough this was reckoned a luxurious fish in the zenith of the Romantaste, it was by no means comparable, in point of expense, to somepreparations in vogue about the time of that absurd voluptuaryHeliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six hundred ostriches to becompounded in one illness.
By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not a littlerejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: butt what the master ofthe feast valued himself upon, was a sort of jelly, which he affirmedto be preferable to the hypotrimma of Hesychius, being a mixture ofvinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to proper consistence, and candiedassafoetida, which he asserted, in contradiction to Aumelbergius andLister, was no other than the laser Syriacum, so precious, as to be soldamong the ancients to the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen tookhis word for the excellency of this gum, but contented themselves withthe olives, which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that theyseemed very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces theyhad endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance ofentertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went in quest ofthe painter, who remained in his penitentials in another apartment, andcould not be persuaded to re-enter the banqueting room, until Peregrineundertook to procure his pardon from those whom he had injured. Havingassured him of this indulgence, our young gentleman led him in like acriminal, bowing on all hands with all air of humility and contrition;and particularly addressing himself to the count, to whom he swore inEnglish, as God was his Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman,or child: but was fain to make the best of his way, that he might notgive the honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates ofnature in their presence.
When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was forgivenin very polite terms, and even received into favour by his friend thedoctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession: so that all theguests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so piously to thebottle, that in a short time the Champagne produced very evident effectsin the behaviour of all present.
CHAPTER XLV.