The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Peregrine makes himself Merry at the Expense of the Painter, who curseshis Landlady, and breaks with the Doctor.

  As he could easily conceive the situation of his companion in adversity,he was unwilling to leave the place until he had reaped some diversionfrom his distress, and with that view repaired to the dungeon of theafflicted painter, to which he had by this time free access. Whenhe entered, the first object that presented itself to his eye was souncommonly ridiculous, that he could scarce preserve that gravity ofcountenance which he had affected in order to execute the joke he hadplanned. The forlorn Pallet sat upright in his bed in a deshabille thatwas altogether extraordinary. He had laid aside his monstrous hoop,together with his stays, gown, and petticoat, wrapped his lappetsabout his head by way of nightcap, and wore his domino as a loosemorning-dress; his grizzled locks hung down about his lack-lustreeyes and tawny neck, in all the disorder of negligence; his gray beardbristled about half-an-inch through the remains of the paint withwhich his visage had been bedaubed, and every feature of his face waslengthened to the most ridiculous expression of grief and dismay.

  Seeing Peregrine come in, he started up in a sort of frantic ecstasy,and, running towards him with open arms, no sooner perceived the woefulappearance into which our hero had modelled his physiognomy, than hestopped short all of a sudden, and the joy which had begun to takepossession of his heart was in a moment dispelled by the most ruefulpresages; so that he stood in a most ludicrous posture of dejection,like a malefactor at the Old Bailey, when sentence is about to bepronounced. Pickle, taking him by the hand, heaved a profound sigh; andafter having protested that he was extremely mortified at being pitchedupon as the messenger of bad news, told him, with an air of sympathy andinfinite concern, that the French court, having discovered his sex, hadresolved, in consideration of the outrageous indignity he offeredin public to a prince of the blood, to detain him in the Bastille aprisoner for life; and that this sentence was a mitigation obtained bythe importunities of the British ambassador, the punishment ordained bylaw being no other than breaking alive upon the wheel.

  These tidings aggravated the horrors of the painter to such a degreethat he roared aloud, and skipped about the room in all the extravaganceof distraction, taking God and man to witness, that he would rathersuffer immediate death than endure one year's imprisonment in such ahideous place; and cursing the hour of his birth, and the moment onwhich he departed from his own country. "For my own part," said histormentor, in a hypocritical tone, "I was obliged to swallow the bitterpill of making submission to the prince, who, as I had not presumed tostrike him, received acknowledgments, in consequence of which I shallbe this day set at liberty; and there is even one expedient left for therecovery of your freedom--it is, I own, a disagreeable remedy, but onehad better undergo a little mortification than be for ever wretched.Besides, upon second thoughts, I begin to imagine that you will not forsuch a trifle sacrifice yourself to the unceasing horrors of a dungeon;especially as your condescension will in all probability be attendedwith advantages which you could not otherwise enjoy." Pallet,interrupting him with great eagerness, begged for the love of God thathe would no longer keep him in the torture of suspense, but mentionthat same remedy, which he was resolved to follow, let it be ever sounpalatable.

  Peregrine, having thus played upon his passions of fear and hope,answered, "that as the offence was committed in the habit of a woman,which was a disguise unworthy of the other sex, the French court was ofopinion that the delinquent should be reduced to the neuter gender; sothat there was no alternative at his own option, by which he had it inhis power to regain immediate freedom."--"What!" cried the painter, indespair, "become a singer? Gadzooks! and the devil and all that! I'llrather be still where I am, and let myself be devoured by vermin." Thenthrusting out his throat--"Here is my windpipe," said he; "be so good,my dear friend, as to give it a slice or two: if you don't, I shallone of these days be found dangling in my garters. What an unfortunaterascal I am! What a blockhead, and a beast, and a fool, was I to trustmyself among such a barbarous ruffian race! Lord forgive you, Mr.Pickle, for having been the immediate cause of my disaster. If you hadstood by me from the beginning, according to your promise, I should nothave been teased by that coxcomb who has brought me to this pass. Andwhy did I put on this d--d unlucky dress? Lord curse that chatteringJezebel of a landlady, who advised such a preposterous disguise!--adisguise which has not only brought me to this pass, but also renderedme abominable to myself, and frightful to others; for when I thismorning signified to the turnkey that I wanted to be shaved, he lookedat my beard with astonishment, and, crossing himself, muttered his PaterNoster, believing me, I suppose, to be a witch, or something worse. AndHeaven confound that loathsome banquet of the ancients, which provokedme to drink too freely, that I might wash away the taste of thataccursed sillikicaby."

  Our young gentleman, having heard this lamentation to an end, excusedhimself for his conduct by representing that he could not possiblyforesee the disagreeable consequences that attended it; and in themean time strenuously counselled him to submit to the terms of hisenlargement. He observed that he was now arrived at that time of lifewhen the lusts of the flesh should be entirely mortified within him, andhis greatest concern ought to be the of his soul, to which nothing couldmore effectually contribute than the amputation which was proposed; thathis body, as well as his mind, would profit by the change; because hewould have no dangerous appetite to gratify, and no carnal thoughts todivert him from the duties of his profession; and his voice, which wasnaturally sweet, would improve to such a degree, that he would captivatethe ears of all the people of fashion and taste, and in a little time becelebrated under the appellation of the English Senesino.

  These arguments did not fail to make impression upon the painter, whonevertheless started two objections to his compliance; namely, thedisgrace of the punishment, and the dread of his wife. Pickle undertookto obviate these difficulties, by assuring him that the sentence wouldbe executed so privately as never to transpire: and that his wife couldnot be so unconscionable, after so many years of cohabitation, as totake exceptions to an expedient by which she would not only enjoy theconversation of her husband, but even the fruits of those talents whichthe knife would so remarkably refine.

  Pallet shook his hand at this last remonstrance, as if he thought itwould not be altogether convincing to his spouse, but yielded to theproposal, provided her consent could be obtained. Just as he signifiedthis condescension, the jailer entered, and addressing himself to thesupposed lady, expressed his satisfaction in having the honour to tellher that she was no longer a prisoner. As the painter did not understandone word of what he said, Peregrine undertook the office of interpreter,and made his friend believe the jailer's speech was no other than anintimation that the ministry had sent a surgeon to execute what wasproposed, and that the instruments and dressings were prepared in thenext room. Alarmed and terrified at this sudden appointment, he flewto the other end of the room, and, snatching up an earthen chamber-pot,which was the only offensive weapon in the place, put himself in aposture of defence, and with many oaths threatened to try the temperof the barber's skull, if he should presume to set his nose within theapartment.

  The jailer, who little expected such a reception, concluded thatthe poor gentlewoman had actually lost her wits, and retreated withprecipitation, leaving the door open as he went out; upon which Pickle,gathering up the particulars of his dress with great despatch, crammedthem into Pallet's arms, and taking notice that now the coast was clear,exhorted him to follow his footsteps to the gate, where a hackney-coachstood for his reception. There being no time for hesitation, the paintertook his advice; and, without quitting the utensil, which in his hurryhe forgot to lay down, sallied out in the rear of our hero, with all thewildness of terror and impatience which may be reasonably supposed totake possession of a man who flies from perpetual imprisonment. Such wasthe tumult of his agitation, that his faculty of thinking was for thepresent utterly overwhelmed, and he s
aw no object but his conductor,whom he followed by a sort of instinctive impulse, without regarding thekeepers and sentinels, who, as he passed with his clothes under one arm,and his chamber-pot brandished above his head, were confounded, and evendismayed, at the strange apparition.

  During the whole course of this irruption, he ceased nor to cry, withgreat vociferation, "Drive, coachman, drive, in the name of God!"and the carriage had proceeded the length of a whole street before hemanifested the least sign of reflection, but stared like the Gorgon'shead, with his mouth wide open, and each particular hair crawlingand twining like an animated serpent. At length, however, he began torecover the use of his senses, and asked if Peregrine thought himnow out of all danger of being retaken. This unrelenting wag, not yetsatisfied with the affliction he imposed upon the sufferer, answered,with an air of doubt and concern, that he hoped they would not beovertaken, and prayed to God they might not be retarded by a stopof carriages. Pallet fervently joined in this supplication; and theyadvanced a few yards farther, when the noise of a coach at full speedbehind them invaded their ears; and Pickle, having looked out of thewindow, withdrew his head in seeming confusion, and exclaimed, "Lordhave mercy upon us! I wish that may not be a guard sent after us.Methinks I saw the muzzle of a fusil sticking out of the coach." Thepainter, hearing these tidings, that instant thrust himself half outat the window, with his helmet still in his hand, bellowing to thecoachman, as loud as he could roar, "Drive, d-- ye, dive to the gatesof Jericho and the ends of the earth! Drive, you ragamuffin, yourascallion, you hell-hound! Drive us to the pit Of hell, rather than weshould be taken!"

  Such a phantom could not pass without attracting the curiosity of thepeople, who ran to their doors and windows, in order to behold thisobject of admiration. With the same view, that coach, which was supposedto be in pursuit of him, stopped just as the windows of each happened tobe opposite; and Pallet, looking behind, and seeing three men standingupon the footboard armed with canes, which his fear converted intofusils, never doubted that his friend's suspicion was just, but, shakinghis Jordan at the imaginary guard, swore he would sooner die than partwith his precious ware. The owner of the coach, who was a nobleman ofthe first quality, mistook him for some unhappy woman deprived of hersenses: and, ordering his coachman to proceed, convinced the fugitive,to his infinite joy, that this was no more than a false alarm. He wasnot, for all that, freed from anxiety and trepidation; but our younggentleman, fearing his brain would not bear a repetition of thesame joke, permitted him to gain his own lodgings without furthermolestation.

  His landlady, meeting him on the stair, was so affected at hisappearance, that she screamed aloud, and betook herself to flight; whilehe, cursing her with greet bitterness, rushed into the apartment tothe doctor, who, instead of receiving him with cordial embraces, andcongratulating him upon his deliverance, gave evident signs of umbrageand discontent; and even plainly told him, he hoped to have heard thathe and Mr. Pickle had acted the glorious part of Cato; an event whichwould have laid the foundation of such noble struggles, as could notfail to end in happiness and freedom; and that he had already madesome progress in an ode that would have immortalised their names, andinspired the flame of liberty in every honest breast. "There," saidhe, "I would have proved, that great talents, and high sentiments ofliberty, do reciprocally produce and assist each other; and illustratedmy assertions with such notes and quotations from the Greek writers, aswould have opened the eyes of the most blind and unthinking, and touchedthe most callous and obdurate heart. 'O fool! to think the man, whoseample mind must grasp whatever yonder stars survey'--Pray, Mr. Pellet,what is your opinion of that image of the mind's grasping the wholeuniverse? For my own part, I can't help thinking it the most happyconception that ever entered my imagination."

  The painter, who was not such a flaming enthusiast in the cause ofliberty, could not brook the doctor's reflections, which he thoughtsavoured a little too much of indifference and deficiency in point ofprivate friendship; and therefore seized the present opportunity ofmortifying his pride, by observing, that the image was, without alldoubt, very grand and magnificent; but that he had been obliged for theidea to Mr. Bayes in "The Rehearsal," who values himself upon the samefigure, conveyed in these words, "But all these clouds, when by the eyeof reason grasp'd, etc." Upon any other occasion, the painter wouldhave triumphed greatly upon this detection; but such was the flutter andconfusion of his spirits, under the apprehension of being retaken, that,without further communication, he retreated to his own room, in order toresume his own dress, which he hoped would alter his appearance in sucha manner as to baffle all search and examination; while the physicianremained ashamed and abashed, to find himself convinced of bombast bya person of such contemptible talents. He was offended at this proofof his memory, and so much enraged at his presumption in exhibitingit, that he could never forgive his want of reverence, and took everyopportunity of exposing his ignorance and folly in the sequel. Indeed,the ties of private affection were too weak to engage the heart of thisrepublican, whose zeal for the community had entirely swallowed uphis concern for individuals. He looked upon particular friendship as apassion unworthy of his ample soul, and was a professed admirer of L.Manlius, Junius Brutus, and those later patriots of the same name,who shut their ears against the cries of nature, and resisted all thedictates of gratitude and humanity.

  CHAPTER XLVIII.