by T. Smollett
Pallet conceives a hearty Contempt for his Fellow-traveller, andattaches himself to Pickle, who, nevertheless, persecutes him with hismischievous Talent upon the Road to Flanders.
In the mean time, his companion, having employed divers pailfuls ofwater in cleansing himself from the squalor of jail, submitted his faceto the barber, tinged his eye-brows with a sable hue, and, being dressedin his own clothes, ventured to visit Peregrine, who was still under thehands of his valet-de-chambre, and who gave him to understand that hisescape had been connived at, and that the condition of their deliverancewas their departure from Paris in three days.
The painter was transported with joy, when he learned that he ranno risk of being retaken, and, far from repining at the terms of hisenlargement, would have willingly set out on his return to England thatsame afternoon; for the Bastille had made such an impression upon him,that he started at the sound of every coach, and turned pale at thesight of a French soldier. In the fulness of his heart, he complained ofthe doctor's indifference, and related what had passed at their meetingwith evident marks of resentment and disrespect; which were not at alldiminished, when Jolter informed him of the physician's behaviourwhen he sent for him, to confer about the means of abridging theirconfinement. Pickle himself was incensed at his want of bowels; and,perceiving how much he had sank in the opinion of his fellow-traveller,resolved to encourage these sentiments of disgust, and occasionallyfoment the division to a downright quarrel, which he foresaw wouldproduce some diversion, and perhaps expose the poet's character insuch a light, as would effectually punish him for his arrogance andbarbarity. With this view, he leveled several satirical jokes at thedoctor's pedantry and want of taste, which had appeared so conspicuousin the quotation he had got by heart, from ancient authors; in hisaffected disdain of the best pictures of the world, which, had he beenendowed with the least share of discernment, he could not have beheldwith such insensibility; and, lastly, in his ridiculous banquet, whichnone but an egregious coxcomb, devoid of all elegance and sense, wouldhave prepared, or presented to rational beings. In a word, our younggentleman played the artillery of his wit against him with such success,that the painter seemed to wake from a dream, and went home with themost hearty contempt for the person he had formerly adored.
Instead of using the privilege of a friend, to enter his apartmentwithout ceremony, he sent in his servant with a message, importing,that he intended to set out from Paris the next day, in company withMr. Pickle; and desiring to know whether or not he was, or would be,prepared for the journey. The doctor, struck with the manner as wellas the matter of this intimation, went immediately to Pallet's room anddemanded to know the cause of such a sudden determination without hisprivity or concurrence; and when he understood the necessity of theiraffairs, rather than travel by himself, he ordered his baggage to bepacked up, and signified his readiness to conform to the emergency ofthe case; though he was not at all pleased with the cavalier behaviourof Pallet, to whom he threw out some hints on his own importance, andthe immensity of his condescension in favouring him with such marks ofregard. But by this time these insinuations had lost their effect uponthe painter who told him, with an arch sneer, that he did not at allquestion his learning and abilities, and particularly his skill incookery, which he should never forget while his palate retained itsfunction; but nevertheless advised him, for the sake of the degenerateeaters of these days, to spare a little of his sal ammoniac in the nextsillykicaby he should prepare; and abate somewhat of the devil's dung,which he had so plentifully crammed into the roasted fowls, unless hehad a mind to convert his guests into patients, with a view of lickinghimself whole for the expense of the entertainment.
The physician, nettled at these sarcasms, eyed him with a look ofindignation and disdain; and, being, unwilling to express himself inEnglish, lest, in the course of the altercation, Pallet should be somuch irritated as to depart without him, he vented his anger in Greek.The painter, though by the sound he supposed this quotation to be Greek,complimented his friend upon his knowledge in the Welsh language, andfound means to rally him quite out of temper; so that he retired tohis own chamber in the utmost wrath and mortification, and left hisantagonist exulting over the victory he had won.
While these things passed between these originals, Peregrine waitedupon the ambassador, whom he thanked for his kind interposition,acknowledging the indiscretion of his own conduct with such appearanceof conviction and promises of reformation, that his excellency freelyforgave him for all the trouble he had been put to on his account,fortified him with sensible advices and, assuring him of his continualfavour and friendship, gave him at parting, letters of introduction toseveral persons of quality belonging to the British court.
Thus distinguished, our young gentleman took leave of all his Frenchacquaintance, and spent the evening with some of those who had enjoyedthe greatest share of his intimacy and confidence; while Joltersuperintended his domestic concerns, and with infinite joy bespoke apost-chaise and horse, in order to convey him from a place wherehe lived in continual apprehension of suffering by the dangerousdisposition of his pupil. Everything being adjusted according to theirplan, they and their fellow-travellers next day dined together, andabout four in the afternoon took their departure in two chaises,escorted by the valet-de-chambre, Pipes, and the doctor's lacquey onhorseback, well furnished with arms and ammunition, in case of beingattacked by robbers on the road.
It was about eleven o'clock at night when they arrived at Senlis, whichwas the place at which they proposed to lodge, and where they wereobliged to knock up the people of the inn, before they could havetheir supper prepared. All the provision in the house was but barelysufficient to furnish one indifferent meal: however, the painterconsoled himself for the quantity with the quality of the dishes, one ofwhich was a fricassee of rabbit, a preparation that he valued aboveall the dainties that ever smoked upon the table of the sumptuousHeliogabalus.
He had no sooner expressed himself to this effect, than our hero,who almost incessantly laying traps for diversion at his neighbour'sexpense, laid hold on the declaration; and, recollecting the story ofScipio and the muleteer in Gil Blas, resolved to perpetrate a joke uponthe stomach of Pallet, which seemed well disposed to a hearty supper.He, accordingly, digested his plan; and the company being seated attable, affected to stare with peculiar eagerness at the painter, who hadhelped himself to a large portion of the fricassee, and began to swallowit with infinite relish. Pallet, notwithstanding the keenness of hisappetite, could not help taking notice of Pickle's demeanour; and,making a short pause in the exercise of his grinders, "You aresurprised," said he, "to see me make so much despatch; but I wasextremely hungry, and this is one of the best fricassees I ever tasted:the French are very expert in these dishes, that I must allow; and, uponmy conscience, I would never desire to eat a more delicate rabbit thanthis that lies upon my plate."
Peregrine made no other reply to this encomium, than the repetition ofthe word rabbit, with a note of admiration, and such a significant shakeof the head, as effectually alarmed the other, who instantly suspendedthe action of his jaws, and, with the morsel half chewed in his mouth,stared round him with a certain stolidity of apprehension, whichis easier conceived than described; until his eyes encountered thecountenance of Thomas Pipes, who, being instructed, and posted oppositeto him for the occasion, exhibited an arch grin, that completed thepainter's disorder. Afraid of swallowing his mouthful, and ashamed todispose of it any other way, he sat some time in a most distressed stateof suspense; and being questioned by Mr. Jolter touching his calamity,made a violent effort of the muscles of his gullet, which withdifficulty performed their office; and then, with great confusion andconcern, asked if Mr. Pickle suspected the rabbit's identity. The younggentleman, assuming a mysterious air, pretended ignorance of the matter,observing that he was apt to suspect all dishes of that kind, since hehad been informed of the tricks which were commonly played at innsin France, Italy, and Spain; and recounted three passage in Gil Blas,which w
e have hinted it above, saying, he did not pretend to be aconnoisseur in animals, but the legs of the creature which composed thatdiet which composed the fricassee, did not, in his opinion, resemblethose of the rabbits he had usually seen. This observation had anevident effect upon the features of the painter, who, with certain signsof loathing and astonishment, exclaimed, "Lord Jesus!" and appealed toPipes for the discovery of the truth by asking if he knew anythingof the affair. Tom very gravely replied, "he did suppose the foodwas wholesome enough, for he had seen the skin and feet of a specialram-cat, new flayed, hanging upon the door of a small pantry adjoiningto the kitchen."
Before this sentence was uttered, Pallet's belly seemed to move incontact with his back-bone, his colour changed, no part but the whitesof his eyes were to be seen, he dropped his lower jaw, and, fixing hishands in his sides, retched with such convulsive agonies, as amazed anddisconcerted the whole company: and what augmented his disorder, wasthe tenacious retention of the stomach, which absolutely refused to partwith its contents, notwithstanding all the energy of his abhorrence,which threw him into a cold sweat, and almost into a swoon.
Pickle, alarmed at his condition, assured him it was a genuine rabbit,and that he had tutored Pipes to say otherwise for the joke's sake.But this confession he considered as a friendly artifice of Pickle'scompassion, and therefore it had little effect upon his constitution. Bythe assistance, however, of a large bumper of brandy, his spirits wererecruited, and his recollection so far recovered, that he was able todeclare, with divers contortions of face, that the dish had a ranknessof taste, which he had imparted partly to the nature of the Frenchcovey, and partly to the composition of their sauces; then he inveighedagainst the infamous practices of French publicans, attributingsuch imposition to their oppressive government, which kept them sonecessitous, that they were tempted to exercise all manner of knaveryupon their unwary guests.
Jolter, who could not find in his heart to let slip any opportunity ofspeaking in favour of the French, told him, that he was a very greatstranger to their police; else he would know, that if, upon informationto the magistrate, it should appear that any traveller, native orforeigner, had been imposed upon or ill-treated by a publican, theoffender would be immediately obliged to shut up his house; and, if hisbehaviour had been notorious, he himself would be sent to the galleys,without the least hesitation: "and as for the dish which has been madethe occasion of your present disorder," said he, "I will take upon meto affirm it was prepared of a genuine rabbit, which was skinned in mypresence; and, in confirmation of what I assert, though such fricasseesare not the favourites of my taste, I will eat a part of this withoutscruple."
So saying, he swallowed several mouthfuls of the questioned coney, andPallet seemed to eye it again with inclination; nay, he even resumed hisknife and fork; and being just on the point of applying them, was seizedwith another qualm of apprehension, that broke out in an exclamation of,"After all, Mr. Jolter, if it should be a real ram-cat? Lord have mercyupon me! here is one of the claws." With these words he presented thetip of a toe, of which Pipes had snipped off five or six from a duckthat was roasted, and purposely scattered them in the fricassee: andthe governor could not behold this testimonial without symptoms ofuneasiness and remorse; so that he and the painter sat silenced andabashed, and made faces at each other, while the physician, who hatedthem both, exulted over their affliction, bidding them be of good cheer,and proceed with their meal; for he was ready to demonstrate, thatthe flesh of a cat was as nourishing and delicious as veal or mutton,provided they could prove that the said cat was not of the boar kind,and had fed chiefly on vegetable diet, or even confined its carnivorousappetite to rats and mice, which he affirmed to be dainties of exquisitetaste and flavour. He said, it was a vulgar mistake to think thatall flesh-devouring creatures were unfit to be eaten: witness theconsumption of swine and ducks, animals that delight in carriage aswell as fish, and prey upon each other, and feed on bait and carrion;together with the demand for bear, of which the best hams in the worldare made. He then observed that the negroes on the coast of Guinea, whoare healthy and vigorous people, prefer cats and dogs to all otherfare; and mentioned from history several sieges, during which theinhabitants, who were blocked up, lived upon these animals, and hadrecourse even to human flesh, which, to his certain knowledge, was inall respects preferable to pork; for, in the course of his studies, hehad, for the experiment's sake, eaten a steak cut from the buttock of aperson who had been hanged.
This dissertation, far from composing, increased the disquiet inthe stomachs of the governor and painter, who, hearing the lastillustration, turned their eyes upon the orator, at the same instant,with looks of horror and disgust; and the one muttering the term"cannibal," and the other pronouncing the word "abomination," they rosefrom table in a great hurry, and running towards another apartment,jostled with such violence in the passage, that both were overturnedby the shock, which also contributed to the effect of their nausea thatmutually defiled them as they lay.
CHAPTER XLIX.