The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  The two Friends eclipse all their Competitors in Gallantry, and practisea pleasant Project of Revenge upon the Physicians of the Place.

  The fame of their exploit against the sharpers was immediately diffusedthrough all the companies at Bath; so that, when our adventurersappeared in public, they were pointed out by an hundred extendedfingers, and considered as consummate artists in all the differentspecies of finesse, which they would not fail to practise with the firstopportunity. Nor was this opinion of their characters any obstacle totheir reception into the fashionable parties in the place; but, on thecontrary, such a recommendation, which, as I have already hinted, neverfails to operate for the advantage of the possessor.

  This first adventure, therefore, served them as an introduction tothe company at Bath, who were not a little surprised to find theirexpectations baffled by the conduct of the two companions; because,far from engaging deeply at play, they rather shunned all occasions ofgaming, and directed their attention to gallantry, in which our heroshone unrivalled. His external qualifications, exclusive of any othermerit, were strong enough to captivate the common run of the female sex;and these, reinforced with a sprightliness of conversation, and amost insinuating address, became irresistible, even by those who werefortified with pride, caution, or indifference. But, among all thenymphs of this gay place, he did not meet with one object that disputedthe empire of his heart with Emilia, and therefore he divided hisattachment according to the suggestions of vanity and whim; so that,before he had resided a fortnight at Bath, he had set all the ladiesby the ears, and furnished all the hundred tongues of scandal with fullemployment. The splendour of his appearance excited the inquiries ofenvy, which, instead of discovering any circumstances to his prejudice,was cursed with the information of his being a young gentleman of a goodfamily, and heir to an immense fortune.

  The countenance of some of his quality friends, who arrived at Bath,confirmed this piece of intelligence. Upon which his acquaintancewas courted and cultivated with great assiduity; and he met with suchadvances from some of the fair sex, as rendered him extremely fortunatein his amours. Nor was his friend Godfrey a stranger to favours of thesame kind; his accomplishments were exactly calculated for the meridianof female taste; and, with certain individuals of that sex, his muscularframe, and the robust connection of his limbs, were more attractivethan the delicate proportions of his companion. He accordingly reignedparamount among those inamoratas who were turned of thirty, withoutbeing under the necessity of proceeding by tedious addresses, and wasthought to have co-operated with the waters in removing the sterility ofcertain ladies, who had long undergone the reproach and disgust of theirhusbands; while Peregrine set up his throne among those who labouredunder the disease of celibacy, from the pert miss of fifteen, who,with a fluttering heart, tosses her head, bridles up, and gigglesinvoluntarily at sight of a handsome young man, to the staid maid oftwenty-eight, who, with a demure aspect, moralizes on the vanity ofbeauty, the folly of youth, and simplicity of woman, and expatiateson friendship, benevolence, and good sense, in the style of a Platonicphilosopher.

  In such a diversity of dispositions, his conquests were attended withall the heart-burnings, animosities, and turmoils of jealousy and spite.The younger class took all opportunities of mortifying their seniorsin public, by treating them with that indignity which, contrary to thegeneral privilege of age, is, by the consent and connivance of mankind,leveled against those who have the misfortune to come under thedenomination of old maids; and these last retorted their hostilitiesin the private machinations of slander, supported by experience andsubtilty of invention. Not one day passed in which some new story didnot circulate, to the prejudice of one or other of those rivals.

  If our hero, in the long-room, chanced to quit one of the moralists,with whom he had been engaged in conversation, he was immediatelyaccosted by a number of the opposite faction, who, with ironical smiles,upbraided him with cruelty to the poor lady he had left, exhorted him tohave compassion on her sufferings; and, turning their eyes towardsthe object of their intercession, broke forth into a universal peal oflaughter. On the other hand, when Peregrine, in consequence of havingdanced with one of the minors overnight, visited her in the morning,the Platonists immediately laid hold on the occasion, tasked theirimaginations, associated ideas, and, with sage insinuations, retailed athousand circumstances of the interview, which never had any foundationin truth. They observed, that, if girls are determined to behave withsuch indiscretion, they must lay their accounts with incurring thecensure of the world; that she in question was old enough to act morecircumspectly; and wondered that her mother would permit any youngfellow to approach the chamber while her daughter was naked in bed.As for the servants peeping through the key-hole, to be sure it was anunlucky accident; but people ought to be upon their guard againstsuch curiosity, and give their domestics no cause to employ theirpenetration. These and other such reflections were occasionallywhispered as secrets among those who were known to be communicative; sothat, in a few hours, it became the general topic of discourse; and,as it had been divulged under injunctions of secrecy, it was almostimpossible to trace the scandal to its origin; because every personconcerned must have promulgated her own breach of trust, in discoveringher author of the report.

  Peregrine, instead of allaying, rather exasperated this contention,by an artful distribution of his attention among the competitors; wellknowing, that, should his regard be converged into one point, he wouldsoon forfeit the pleasure he enjoyed in seeing them at variance; forboth parties would join against the common enemy, and his favouritewould be persecuted by the whole coalition. He perceived, that, amongthe secret agents of scandal, none were so busy as the physicians, aclass of animals who live in this place, like so many ravens hoveringabout a carcase, and even ply for employment, like scullers atHungerford-stairs. The greatest part of them have correspondentsin London, who make it their business to inquire into the history,character, and distemper of every one that repairs to Bath, for thebenefit of the waters, and if they cannot procure interest to recommendtheir medical friends to these patients before they set out, they atleast furnish them with a previous account of what they could collect,that their correspondents may use this intelligence for their ownadvantage. By these means, and the assistance of flattery and assurance,they often insinuate themselves into the acquaintance of strangers, and,by consulting their dispositions, become necessary and subservient totheir prevailing passions. By their connection with apothecaries andnurses, they are informed of all the private occurrences in each family,and therefore enabled to gratify the rancour of malice, amuse the spleenof peevish indisposition, and entertain the eagerness of impertinentcuriosity.

  In the course of these occupations, which frequently affected thereputation of our two adventurers, this whole body fell under thedispleasure of our hero, who, after divers consultations with hisfriend, concerted a stratagem, which was practised upon the facultyin this manner. Among those who frequented the pump-room, was an oldofficer, whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacksof the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs,sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness. Heimputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the malpractice of a surgeonwho had administered to him, while he laboured under the consequencesof an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had inspired him with aninsurmountable antipathy to all the professors of the medical art, whichwas more and more confirmed by the information of a friend at London,who had told him, that it was the common practice among the physiciansat Bath to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that thecure, and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.

  Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a fewgeneral instructions he had received, used the waters without anyfarther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred andcontempt of the sons of Esculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew theypre
scribed to others who seemed to be exactly in his condition. But hedid not find his account in this method, how successful soever it mayhave been in other cases. His complaints, instead of vanishing, wereevery day more and more enraged: and at length he was confined to hisbed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to night, and from night tomorn, though still more determined than ever to adhere to his formermaxims.

  In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of thetown, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, whotriumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed acountry fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, earlyone morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and desire themto attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. In consequence ofthis summons, the whole faculty put themselves in motion; and threeof the foremost arriving at the same instant of time, far fromcomplimenting one another with the door, each separately essayed toenter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage. While theyremained thus wedged together, they descried two of their brethrenposting towards the same goal, with all the speed that God had enabledthem to exert; upon which they came to a parley, and agreed to standby one another. This covenant being made, they disentangled themselves,and, inquiring about the patient, were told by the servant that he hadjust fallen asleep.

  Having received this intelligence, they took possession of hisante-chamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe postedthemselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage wasfilled, from the top of the staircase to the street-door; and the peopleof the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck dumb withastonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no sooner madetheir lodgment good, than they began to consult about the patient'smalady, which every one of them pretended to have considered with greatcare and assiduity. The first who gave his opinion, said, the distemperwas an obstinate arthritis; the second affirmed, that it was no otherthan a confirmed pox; and the third swore, it was an inveterate scurvy.This diversity of opinions was supported by a variety of quotationsfrom medical authors, ancient as well as modern; but these were not ofsufficient authority, or, at least, not explicit enough to decide thedispute; for there are many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion,and each sect can quote the fathers in support of the tenets theyprofess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, asnot only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patientfrom the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Hadit been simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noisethat disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved fromthe tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dreams, he fancied himselfexposed. But this dreadful vision had been the result of that impressionwhich was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish of his joints;so that, when he awaked, the pain, instead of being allayed, wasrather aggravated by a great acuteness of sensation; and the confusedvociferation in the next room invading his ears at the same time, hebegan to think his dream was realised, and, in the pangs of despair,applied himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he rung withgreat violence and perseverance.

  This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the threedoctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into hischamber, without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the thirdmade the like application to one of his temples. Before the patientcould recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on himat this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of thefaculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to hismaster's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these gauntministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such anassemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always consideredwith the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed to a mostinexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited by his rage, thatthough his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed theirfunctions. He disengaged himself from the triumvirate, who had takenpossession of his body, sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and,seizing one of his crutches, applied it so effectually to one of thethree, just as he stooped to examine the patient's water, that histie-periwig dropped into the pot, while he himself fell motionless onthe floor.

  This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; everyman turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door;and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts ofindividuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued. For the colonel,far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled his weaponwith astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect of persons; sothat few or none of them had escaped without marks of his displeasure,when his spirits failed, and he sank down again quite exhausted on hisbed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected theirhats and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and perceiving theassailant too much enfeebled to renew the attack, set up their throatstogether, and loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such anoutrageous assault.

  By this time the landlord had interposed; and, inquiring into thecause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by thecomplainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand thatthey had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, heassured them that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his lodgerhad never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.

  Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneouslyceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature ofthe joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained, inunutterable shame and mortification; while Peregrine and his friend, whotook care to be passing that way by accident, made a full stop atsight of such an extraordinary efflux, and enjoyed the countenance andcondition of every one as he appeared; nay, even made up to some ofthose who seemed most affected with their situation, and mischievouslytormented them with questions, touching this unusual congregation; then,in consequence of the information they received from the landlord andthe colonel's valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all thecompany in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors ofthis farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiriesof the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed thewhole: though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner, asafforded no handle of prosecution.

  CHAPTER LXXI.