The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  He cultivates an Acquaintance with the Misanthrope, who favours him witha short Sketch of his own History.

  Peregrine was extremely well pleased with this occasional rebuke, whichoccurred so seasonably, that he could scarce believe it accidental. Helooked upon Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity he had ever known,and cultivated the old man's acquaintance with such insinuating address,that in less than a fortnight he obtained his confidence. As they oneday walked into the fields together, the man-hater disclosed himself inthese words:--"Though the term of our communication has been but short,you must have perceived, that I treat you with uncommon marks of regard;which, I assure you, is not owing to your personal accomplishments, northe pains you take to oblige me; for the first I overlook, and thelast I see through. But there is something in your disposition whichindicates a rooted contempt for the world, and I understand you havemade some successful efforts in exposing one part of it to the ridiculeof the other. It is upon this assurance that I offer you my advice andassistance, in prosecuting other schemes of the same nature; and toconvince you that such an alliance is not to be rejected, I will nowgive you a short sketch of my history, which will be published after mydeath, in forty-seven volumes of my own compiling.

  "I was born about forty miles from this place, of parents who, havinga very old family name to support, bestowed their whole fortune on myelder brother; so that I inherited of my father little else than a largeshare of choler, to which I am indebted for a great many adventures thatdid not always end to my satisfaction. At the age of eighteen I was sentup to town, with a recommendation to a certain peer, who found meansto amuse me with the promise of a commission for seven whole years; and'tis odds but I should have made my fortune by my perseverance, had notI been arrested, and thrown into the Marshalsea by my landlord, on whosecredit I had subsisted three years, after my father had renounced me asan idle vagabond. There I remained six months, among those prisonerswho have no other support than chance charity; and contracted a veryvaluable acquaintance, which was of great service to me in the futureemergencies of my life.

  "I was no sooner discharged, in consequence of an act of parliamentfor the relief of insolvent debtors, than I went to the house of mycreditor, whom I cudgelled without mercy; and, that I might leavenothing undone of those things which I ought to have done, my next stagewas to Westminster Hall, where I waited until my patron came forth fromthe house, and saluted him with a blow that laid him senseless on thepavement. But my retreat was not so fortunate as I could have wished.The chairman and lacqueys in waiting having surrounded and disarmed mein a trice, I was committed to Newgate, and loaded with chains; anda very sagacious gentleman, who was afterwards hanged, having sat injudgment upon my case, pronounced me guilty of a capital crime, andforetold my condemnation at the Old Bailey. His prognostic, however, wasdisappointed; for nobody appearing to prosecute me at the next session,I was discharged by order of the court. It would be impossible for meto recount, in the compass of one day's conversation, all the particularexploits of which I bore considerable share. Suffice it to say, I havebeen, at different times, prisoner in all the jails within the bills ofmortality. I have broken from every round-house on this side Temple-bar.No bailiff, in the days of my youth and desperation, durst execute awrit upon me without a dozen of followers; and the justices themselvestrembled when I was brought before them.

  "I was once maimed by a carman, with whom I quarrelled, because heridiculed my leek on St. David's day; my skull was fractured by abutcher's cleaver on the like occasion. I have been run through the bodyfive times, and lost the tip of my left ear by a pistol bullet. In arencontre of this kind, having left my antagonist for dead, I was wiseenough to make my retreat into France; and a few days after my arrivalat Paris, entering into conversation with some officers on the subjectof politics, a dispute arose, in which I lost my temper, and spoke soirreverently of the Grand Monarque, that next morning I was sent to theBastille, by virtue of a lettre de cachet. There I remained forsome months, deprived of all intercourse with rational creatures;a circumstance for which I was not sorry, as I had the more time toproject schemes of revenge against the tyrant who confined me, and thewretch who had betrayed my private conversation. But tired, at length,with these fruitless suggestions, I was fain to unbend the severity ofmy thoughts by a correspondence with some industrious spiders, who hadhung my dungeon with their ingenious labours.

  "I considered their work with such attention that I soon became an adeptin the mystery of weaving, and furnished myself with as many usefulobservations and reflections on that art, as will compose a very curioustreatise, which I intend to bequeath to the Royal Society, for thebenefit of our woollen manufacture; and this with a view to perpetuatemy own name, rather than befriend my country; for, thank Heaven! I amweaned from all attachments of that kind, and look upon myself as onevery little obliged to any society whatsoever. Although I presidedwith absolute power over this long-legged community, and distributedpunishments and rewards to each, according to his deserts, I grewimpatient of my situation; and my natural disposition one dayprevailing, like a fire which had long been smothered, I wreaked thefury of my indignation upon my innocent subjects, and in a twinklingdestroyed the whole race. While I was employed in this general massacre,the turnkey, who brought me food, opened the door, and perceiving mytransport, shrugged up his shoulders, and leaving my allowance, wentout, pronouncing, Le pauvre diable! la tete lui tourne. My passion nosooner subsided than I resolved to profit by this opinion of the jailor,and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success, that in lessthan three months I was delivered from the Bastille, and sent to thegalleys, in which they thought my bodily vigour might be of service,although the faculties of my mind were decayed. Before I was chainedto the oar, I received three hundred stripes by way of welcome, that Imight thereby be rendered more tractable, notwithstanding I used all thearguments in my power to persuade them I was only mad north-north-west,and, when the wind was southerly, knew a hawk from a handsaw.

  "In our second cruise we had the good fortune to be overtaken bya tempest, during which the slaves were unbound, that they mightcontribute the more to the preservation of the galley, and have a chancefor their lives, in case of shipwreck. We were no sooner at liberty,than, making ourselves masters of the vessel, we robbed the officers,and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of Portugal; from whenceI hastened to Lisbon, with a view of obtaining my passage in some shipbound for England, where, by this time, I hoped my affair was forgotten.

  "But, before this scheme could be accomplished, my evil genius led meinto company; and, being intoxicated, I began to broach doctrines onthe subject of religion, at which some of the party were scandalized andincensed; and I was next day dragged out of bed by the officers of theInquisition, and conveyed to a cell in the prison belonging to thattribunal.

  "At my first examination, my resentment was strong enough to support meunder the torture, which I endured without flinching; but my resolutionabated, and my zeal immediately cooled, when I understood from afellow-prisoner, who groaned on the other side of the partition, thatin a short time there would be an auto da fe; in consequence of whichI should, in all probability, be doomed to the flames, if I would notrenounce my heretical errors, and submit to such penance as the churchshould think fit to prescribe. This miserable wretch was convicted ofJudaism, which he had privately practised by connivance for many years,until he had amassed a fortune sufficient to attract the regard of thechurch. To this he fell a sacrifice, and accordingly prepared himselffor the stake; while I, not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom,resolved to temporize; so that, when I was brought to the question thesecond time, I made a solemn recantation. As I had no worldly fortune toobstruct my salvation, I was received into the bosom of the church, and,by way of penance, enjoined to walk barefoot to Rome in the habit of apilgrim.

  "During my peregrination through Spain, I was detained as a spy, untilI could procure credentials from the Inquisition at Lisbon; and behavedwith such
resolution and reserve, that, after being released, Iwas deemed a proper person to be employed in quality of a secretintelligencer at a certain court. This office I undertook withouthesitation; and being furnished with money and bills of credit, crossedthe Pyrenees, with intention to revenge myself upon the Spaniards forthe severities I had undergone during my captivity.

  "Having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress, anda large patch on one eye, I hired an equipage, and appeared at Bolognain quality of an itinerant physician; in which capacity I succeededtolerably well, till my servants decamped in the night with my baggage,and left me in the condition of Adam. In short, I have travelled overthe greatest part of Europe, as a beggar, pilgrim, priest, soldier,gamester, and quack; and felt the extremes of indigence and opulence,with the inclemency of weather in all its vicissitudes. I have learnedthat the characters of mankind are everywhere the same; that commonsense and honesty bear an infinitely small proportion to folly and vice;and that life is at best a paltry province.

  "After having suffered innumerable hardships, dangers, and disgraces, Ireturned to London, where I lived some years in a garret, and picked upa subsistence, such as it was, by vending purges in the streets, fromthe back of a pied horse, in which situation I used to harangue the mobin broken English, under pretence of being an High German doctor.

  "At last an uncle died, by whom I inherited an estate of three hundredpounds per annum, though, in his lifetime, he would not have parted witha sixpence to save my soul and body from perdition.

  "I now appear in the world, not as a member of any community, or whatis called a social creature, but merely as a spectator, who entertainshimself with the grimaces of a jack-pudding, and banquets his spleen inbeholding his enemies at loggerheads. That I may enjoy this disposition,abstracted from all interruption, danger, and participation, I feignmyself deaf; an expedient by which I not only avoid all disputes andtheir consequences, but also become master of a thousand little secrets,which are every day whispered in my presence, without any suspicion oftheir being overheard. You saw how I handled that shallow politician atmy Lady Plausible's the other day. The same method I practise upon thecrazed Tory, the bigot Whig, the sour, supercilious pedant, the petulantcritic, the blustering coward, the fawning fool, the pert imp, slysharper, and every other species of knaves and fools, with which thiskingdom abounds.

  "In consequence of my rank and character, I obtain free admission tothe ladies, among whom I have acquired the appellation of the ScandalousChronicle. As I am considered, while silent, in no other light than thatof a footstool or elbow-chair, they divest their conversation of allrestraint before me, and gratify my sense of hearing with strangethings, which, if I could prevail upon myself to give the world thatsatisfaction, would compose a curious piece of secret history, andexhibit a quite different idea of characters from what is commonlyentertained.

  "By this time, young gentleman, you may perceive that I have it inmy power to be a valuable correspondent, and that it will be to yourinterest to deserve my confidence."

  Here the misanthrope left off speaking, desirous to know the sentimentsof our hero, who embraced the proffered alliance in a transport of joyand surprise; and the treaty was no sooner concluded, than Mr. Crabtreebegan to perform articles, by imparting to him a thousand delicioussecrets, from the possession of which he promised himself innumerablescenes of mirth and enjoyment. By means of this associate, whom heconsidered as the ring of Gyges, he foresaw, that he should be enabledto penetrate, not only into the chambers, but even to the inmostthoughts of the female sex. In order to ward off suspicion, theyagreed to revile each other in public, and meet at a certain privaterendezvous, to communicate their mutual discoveries, and concert theirfuture operations.

  But, soon after this agreement, our adventurer was summoned to thegarrison by an express from his friend Hatchway, representing that thecommodore lay at the point of death; and, in less than an hour afterthe receipt of this melancholy piece of news, he set out post for hisuncle's habitation, having previously taken leave of Crabtree,who promised to meet him in two months in London; and settled acorrespondence with Gauntlet, who proposed to remain at Bath during therest of the season.

  CHAPTER LXXIII.