The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle
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Cadwallader acts the part of a Comforter to his Friend; and in his turnis consoled by Peregrine, who begins to find himself a most egregiousDupe.
This new misfortune, which he justly charged to the account of his ownfolly, recalled his chagrin; and though he endeavoured with all hismight to conceal the affair from the knowledge of Cadwallader, thatprying observer perceived his countenance overcast. The projector'ssudden disappearance alarming his suspicion, he managed his inquirieswith so much art, that in a few days he made himself acquainted withevery particular of the transaction, and resolved to gratify hisspleen at the expense of the impatient dupe. With this view, he took anopportunity to accost him with a very serious air, saying a friend ofhis had immediate occasion for a thousand pounds, and as Peregrine hadthe exact sum lying by him, he would take it as a great favour if hewould part with it for a few months on undoubted security. Had Pickleknown the true motive of this demand, he would in all likelihood havemade a very disagreeable answer; but Crabtree had wrappped himself up sosecurely in the dissimulation of his features, that the youth could notpossibly penetrate into his intention; and in the most galling suspensereplied, that the money was otherwise engaged. The misanthrope, notcontented with this irritation, assumed the prerogative of a friend, andquestioned him so minutely about the disposal of the cash, that, afternumberless evasions, which cost him a world of torture to invent, hecould contain his vexation no longer, but exclaimed in a rage, "D-- yourimpertinence! 'tis gone to the devil, and that's enough!"--"Thereafter,as it may be," said this tormentor, with a most provoking indifferenceof aspect, "I should be glad to know upon what footing; for I supposeyou have some expectation of advantage from that quarter."--"'Sdeath!sir," cried the impatient youth, "if I had any expectation from hell, Iwould make interest with you; for I believe, from my soul, you are oneof its most favoured ministers upon earth." With these words, he flungout of the room, leaving Cadwallader very well satisfied with thechastisement he had bestowed.
Peregrine having cooled himself with a solitary walk in the park,during which the violence of his choler gradually evaporated, and hisreflection was called to a serious deliberation upon the posture of hisaffairs, he resolved to redouble his diligence and importunity with hispatron and the minister, in order to obtain some sinecure, which wouldindemnify him for the damage he had sustained on their account. Heaccordingly went to his lordship and signified his demand, after havingtold him, that he had suffered several fresh losses, which renderedan immediate provision of that sort necessary to his credit andsubsistence. His noble friend commended him for the regard he manifestedfor his own interest, which he considered as a proof of his being atlast detached from the careless inadvertency of youth; he approved ofhis demand, which he assured him should be faithfully transmitted to theminister, and backed with all his influence; and encouraged his hope, byobserving, that some profitable places were at that time vacant, and, sofar as he knew, unengaged.
This conversation helped to restore the tranquility of Pickle's breast,though he still harboured resentment against Cadwallader, on account ofthe last insult; and on the instant he formed a plan of revenge. He knewthe misanthrope's remittances from his estate in the country had been oflate very scanty, in consequence of repairs and bankruptcies among histenants; so that, in spite of all his frugality, he had been but barelyable to maintain his credit, and even that was engaged on the strengthof his running rent. Being therefore intimately acquainted with theparticulars of his fortune, he wrote a letter to Crabtree, subscribedwith the name of his principal farmer's wife, importing that her husbandbeing lately dead, and the greatest part of her cattle destroyed by theinfectious distemper, she found herself utterly incapable of paying therent which was due, or even of keeping the farm, unless he would, outof his great goodness, be pleased to give her some assistance, and allowher to sit free for a twelvemonth to come. This intimation he foundmeans to convey by post from a market town adjoining to the farm,directed in the usual style to the cynic, who, seeing it stamped withthe known marks, could not possibly suspect any imposition.
Hackneyed as he was in the ways of life, and steeled with his boastedstoicism, this epistle threw him into such an agony of vexation, thata double proportion of souring was visible in his aspect, when he wasvisited by the author, who, having observed and followed the postmanat a proper distance, introduced a conversation upon his owndisappointments, in which, among other circumstances of his ownill-luck, he told him, that his patron's steward had desired to beexcused from paying the last quarter of his interest precisely at theappointed term, for which reason he should be utterly void of cash, andtherefore requested that Crabtree would accommodate him with an hundredpieces of his next remittance from the country.
This demand galled and perplexed the old man to such a degree, thatthe muscles of his face assumed a contraction peculiarly virulent, andexhibited the character of Diogenes with a most lively expression; heknew that a confession of his true situation would furnish Pickle withan opportunity to make reprisals upon him, with intolerable triumph;and that, by a downright refusal to supply his wants, he would for everforfeit his friendship and esteem, and might provoke him to take amplevengeance for his sordid behaviour, by exposing him, in his nativecolours, to the resentment of those whom he had so long deceived. Theseconsiderations kept him some time in a most rancorous state of suspense,which Peregrine affected to misinterpret, by bidding him freely declarehis suspicion, if he did not think it safe to comply with his request,and he would make shift elsewhere.
This seeming misconstruction increased the torture of the misanthrope,who, with the utmost irritation of feature, "Oons!" cried he, "whatvillainy have you noted in my conduct, that you treat me like a rascallyusurer?" Peregrine very gravely replied, that the question needed noanswer; "for," said he, "had I considered you as a usurer, I would havecome with a security under my arm; but, all evasion apart, will youstead me? will you pleasure me? shall I have the money?"--"Would it werein your belly, with a barrel of gunpowder!" exclaimed the enraged cynic;"since I must be excruciated, read that plaguy paper! 'Sblood! whydidn't nature clap a pair of long ears and a tail upon me, that I mightbe a real ass, and champ thistles on some common, independent of myfellow-creatures? Would I were a worm, that I might creep into theearth, and thatch my habitation with a single straw; or rather a waspor a viper, that I might make the rascally world feel my resentment. Butwhy do I talk of rascality? folly, folly, is the scourge of life! Giveme a scoundrel, so he be a sensible one, and I will put him in my heartof hearts! but a fool is more mischievous than famine, pestilence, andwar. The idiotical hag that writes, or causes to be writ, this sameletter, has ruined her family, and broke her husband's heart, byignorance and mismanagement; and she imputes her calamity to Providencewith a vengeance; and so I am defrauded of three hundred pounds, thegreatest part of which I owe to tradesmen, whom I have promised to paythis very quarter. Pox upon her! I would she were a horned beast, thatthe distemper might lay hold on her. The beldame has the impudence too,after she has brought me into this dilemma, to solicit my assistanceto stock the farm anew! Before God, I have a good mind to send her ahalter, and perhaps I might purchase another for myself, but that Iwould not furnish food for laughter to knaves and coxcombs."
Peregrine having perused the billet, and listened to this ejaculation,replied with great composure, that he was ashamed to see a man ofhis years and pretensions to philosophy so ruffled by a trifle. "Whatsignify all the boasted hardships you have overcome," said he, "and theshrewd observations you pretend to have made on human nature? Where isthat stoical indifference you affirm you have attained, if such a paltrydisappointment can disturb you in this manner? What is the loss ofthree hundred pounds, compared with the misfortunes which I myself haveundergone within these two years? Yet you will take upon you to act thecensor, and inveigh against the impatience and impetuosity of youth, asif you yourself had gained an absolute conquest over all the passionsof the heart. You were so kind as to insult me another day in myaff
liction, by reproaching me with indiscretion and misconduct: supposeI were now to retort the imputation, and ask how a man of your profoundsagacity could leave your fortune at the discretion of ignorantpeasants? How could you be so blind as not to foresee the necessity ofrepairs, together with the danger of bankruptcy, murrain, or thin crop?Why did you not convert your land into ready money, and, as you have noconnections in life, purchase an annuity, on which you might have livedat your ease, without any fear of the consequence? Can't you, from thewhole budget of your philosophy, cull one apophthegm to console you forthis trivial mischance?"
"Rot your rapidity!" said the cynic, half-choked with gall; "if thecancer or the pox were in your throat, I should not be thus tormentedwith your tongue; and yet a magpie shall speak infinitely more to thepurpose. Don't you know, Mr. Wiseacre, that my case does not fall withinthe province of philosophy? Had I been curtailed of all my members,racked by the gout and gravel, deprived of liberty, robbed of an onlychild, or visited with the death of a dear friend like you, philosophymight have contributed to my consolation; but will philosophy pay mydebts, or free me from the burden of obligation to a set of fellows whomI despise?--speak-pronounce-demonstrate, or may Heaven close your mouthfor ever!"
"These are the comfortable fruits of your misanthropy," answered theyouth; "your laudable scheme of detaching yourself from the bonds ofsociety, and of moving in a superior sphere of your own. Had you notbeen so peculiarly sage, and intent upon laughing at mankind, you couldnever have been disconcerted by such a pitiful inconvenience; any friendwould have accommodated you with the sum in question. But now the worldmay retort the laugh; for you stand upon such an agreeable footing withyour acquaintance, that nothing could please them better than an accountof your having given disappointment the slip, by the help of a nooseproperly applied. This I mention by way of hint, upon which I would haveyou chew the cud of reflection; and, should it come to that issue, Iwill use my whole interest with the coroner to bring in his verdictlunacy, that your carcase may have Christian burial."
So saying, he withdrew, very well satisfied with the revenge he hadtaken, which operated so violently upon Crabtree, that, if it hadnot been for the sole consideration mentioned above, he would, inall probability, have had recourse to the remedy proposed. But hisunwillingness to oblige and entertain his fellow-creatures hindered himfrom practising that expedient, till, by course of post, he was happilyundeceived with regard to the situation of his affairs; and thatinformation had such an effect upon him, that he not only forgave ourhero for the stratagem, which he immediately ascribed to the rightauthor, but also made him a tender of his purse; so that matters for thepresent were brought to an amicable accommodation.
Meanwhile Peregrine never slacked in his attendance upon the great; henever omitted to appear upon every levee day, employed his industry andpenetration in getting intelligence of posts that were unfilled, andevery day recommended himself to the good offices of his patron, whoseemed to espouse his interest with great cordiality; nevertheless, hewas always too late in his application, or the place he demanded chancedto be out of the minister's gift. These intimations, though communicatedin the most warm professions of friendship and regard, gave greatumbrage to the young gentleman, who considered them as the evasionsof an insincere courtier, and loudly complained of them as such tohis lordship, signifying, at the same time, an intention to sell hismortgage for ready money, which he would expend to the last farthing inthwarting his honour, in the very first election he should patronize.His lordship never wanted a proper exhortation upon these occasions. Hedid not now endeavour to pacify him with assurances of the minister'sfavour, because he perceived that these medicines had, by repeated use,lost their effect upon our adventurer, whose menaces he now combatedby representing that the minister's purse was heavier than that ofMr. Pickle; that, therefore, should he make a point of opposing hisinterest, the youth must infallibly fail in the contest; in which casehe would find himself utterly destitute of the means of subsistence, andconsequently precluded from all hope of provision.
This was an observation, the truth of which our young gentleman couldnot pretend to doubt, though it did not at all tend to the vindicationof his honour's conduct. Indeed, Pickle began to suspect the sincerityof his own patron, who, in his opinion, had trifled with his impatience,and even eluded, by sorry excuses, his desire of having anotherprivate audience of the first mover. His lordship also began to be lessaccessible than usual; and Peregrine had been obliged to dun the stewardwith repeated demands, before he could finger the last quarter of hisinterest. Alarmed by these considerations, he went and consulted thenobleman whom he had obliged in the affair of his son, and had themortification to hear but a very indifferent character of the person inwhom he had so long confided. This new adviser, who, though a courtier,was a rival of the other, gave our adventurer to understand, that he hadbeen leaning upon a broken reed; that his professed patron was a man ofshattered fortune and decayed interest, which extended no farther thana smile and a whisper; that, for his own part, he should have been proudof an opportunity to use his influence with the minister in behalf ofMr. Pickle. "But, since you have put yourself under the protection ofanother peer," said he, "whose connections interfere with mine, I cannotnow espouse your cause, without incurring the imputation of seducingthat nobleman's adherents; a charge which, of all others, I would mostcarefully avoid. However, I shall always be ready to assist you with myprivate advice, as a specimen of which, I now counsel you to insist uponhaving another interview with Sir Steady Steerwell himself, that youmay in person explain your pretensions, without any risk of beingmisrepresented; and endeavour, if possible, to draw him into someparticular promise, from which he cannot retract, with any regard tohis reputation; for general profession is a necessary armour worn by allministers in their own defence, against the importunity of those whomthey will not befriend, and would not disoblige."
This advice was so conformable to his own sentiments, that ouradventurer seized the first opportunity to demand a hearing, and plainlytold his patron, that, if he could not be indulged with that favour, heshould look upon his lordship's influence to be very small, and hisown hopes to be altogether desperate; in which case he was resolved todispose of the mortgage, purchase an annuity, and live independent.
CHAPTER XCII.