Minutes later, Maisie and Bixby were running back and forth together on the beach.
“I don’t get it,” Willow said, trying to wrap her head around what had just happened. “Look at her. One minute she’s about to go into full-on tantrum mode, and now suddenly they’re the best of friends.”
“Well, Bixby’s easy to make friends with.”
“No, it’s more than that. I was ready to jump in and protect her, even though she clearly didn’t need it. But you gave her a chance to see that there was nothing to be afraid of.”
“She just needed a little time to adjust to a new situation, that’s all. Children sometimes think they’re scared, when really, they just need a moment to get used to something new.”
“How do you know so much about children?”
“I had a large family, remember? I spent my teenage years looking after my younger cousins. It taught me how to tell the difference between real tears and an attempt to escape a situation.”
Theo had set up a picnic blanket on the beach where they could have lunch and watch Maisie play. As they filled their plates with grapes and cheese, Willow heard Maisie shriek with laughter from further down the beach.
It had always been important to her to be protective of Maisie, but she realized that her daughter did, indeed, need to be pushed to face her fears. If she’d had her way, Maisie would still be huddled behind her skirt, instead of running on the beach, playing with a dog. It was the swimming lessons all over again, only this time, someone had given Maisie a chance to be brave, instead of giving in at the first sign of a trembling lip.
“I know I should be firmer with her,” she said to Theo. “I’m probably lucky that Maisie’s well-behaved most of the time, because I’m not great at standing my ground with her. The first sign of tears, and I’m usually ready to give in.”
“I’m sure it can’t be easy, being a single parent. You’ve got no one to back you up, or reassure you that you’re on the right track.”
“Intellectually, I know it’s not easy, but it’s hard to remember to give myself a break. I chose this life, so I feel like I should be better at it. I should push her more. I want her to be brave and open to adventure.”
“Didn’t you push her by moving her out here in the first place? That was a bold and adventurous move.”
“I suppose. But I think Maisie would have me wrapped around her little finger no matter where we lived.”
“Was it a hard decision, to leave London?”
Willow shook her head emphatically. “No. It was a careful decision. It was a big change, but nothing about it was hard.”
“Really? Surely there must have been some difficulty adjusting. You moved thousands of miles from everything you knew. And London has so much to offer a child. It must have been hard to take Maisie away from all those experiences.”
“Hardly. Maisie was missing out on much more in London. She was always being watched by someone else, stuck at daycare or with a neighbor. I was so busy all the time, and yet on the salary I was making, I could barely make ends meet. I grew up in Islington, and it was all I knew. But Maisie deserved more. At the very least, she deserved to have her mother around.”
“It must have been hard on you, too.”
“I was missing so much of her life. And then...” She paused, because it was still painful to think about, but she pressed onward, anyway. “I missed her first word.”
“No!”
“Yes. She was about one year old, and the daycare workers mentioned that she’d been saying ‘horsie’ when she wanted her stuffed horse at naptime. They thought I already knew. Apparently she’d been saying it for weeks. I was so upset that I’d missed it. And sad, of course, that it wasn’t ‘Mummy,’ although I suppose that’s silly. Children say all kinds of different things for their first word. But I couldn’t help feeling as though it meant something. That if I’d been around more, maybe her first word would have been ‘Mummy,’ and maybe she’d have said it to me.”
“But you were there for her. Maybe you weren’t physically with her as often as you wished you could be, but you were doing the best you could to support her.”
“I was. But it wasn’t what I wanted. And when I found the job here...well, that was the first time I started to hope that maybe I could have it all. I could support our family and spend lots of time with Maisie, too.”
“And it...wasn’t as though you had any family you were taking her away from.”
“No. I mean, I’d assumed you didn’t want anything to do with her.” She could see that her words caused him some pain, but it was the truth. And even though she didn’t want to hurt him, it did mean something to her that he was feeling the weight of all that he’d missed. She touched Theo’s arm lightly. “We can’t change the past. I can’t change that Maisie and I have built a life here, just as you can’t change that you weren’t able to be part of our lives for the past few years. What matters is what we want the future to look like.”
“Speaking of the future, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk about. You don’t have to make any big decisions about it yet, but I wanted you to know that there’s lots of family in England, for Maisie, if she ever wants it. Some of my brothers and sisters have children. She has cousins her age, and grandparents who would be delighted to spoil her rotten.”
The thought gave Willow pause. Somehow, she hadn’t considered what Theo’s large family might mean for Maisie. Since Maisie’s birth, she’d envisioned life with just the two of them. But now Maisie had cousins. She didn’t know what that would be like. She’d never had a cousin.
She recalled the brief surge of jealousy she’d felt when Theo first arrived on the island. The idea of her special bond with Maisie changing to include anyone else had been inconceivable. She’d just got used to the idea of Maisie spending any time with Theo. It felt strange to consider that there might be a whole host of other people who also wanted to be in Maisie’s life.
“Do they know about her?”
“No. The only person I’ve ever told is my twin sister, Becca. She’s very good about privacy. Telling the others would only complicate things.”
“How so?”
“For one thing, most of my family members, whom I love dearly, are not the best with boundaries. Half of them would swarm into your life the moment they became aware of your existence. They’re not big on personal space. It’s their way of showing love, but it can be very overwhelming. I think it should be your choice whether they become part of Maisie’s life or not.”
Or Maisie’s choice, she supposed, when Maisie got older. Willow thought of all the times that she had seen families support each other through difficult diagnoses and medical emergencies. She’d always been touched, and a little envious, when she saw family members come together through tough times. Willow was proud of her own independence, but there were many times when she wished she had more family to rely on for support. And even though she might not ever have the support she wished for, it might be possible for Maisie to have family members who would be there for her when she needed them. It brought a strange, bittersweet ache to her heart to think about it. As much as she wished she could meet Maisie’s every need, she knew there were some shoes she could never fill.
Losing her own parents at an early age had taught her that lesson well. Gran had loved Willow with all her heart, but she’d never been able to give Willow the large family she’d longed for. And sometimes love wasn’t enough. There had always been the danger that if something happened to Gran, Willow would be all alone. But Maisie wouldn’t have to face that risk, with Theo and his family involved in her life. No matter what her daughter faced, she could have the family support that Willow had always longed for.
“Even if they’re intrusive, it must have been comforting to have your family around you while you were going through cancer,” she said. “They must be so glad you�
��re finally in remission.”
He looked away, and she thought she saw a guilty expression in his eyes. “What is it?”
“I may have somewhat downplayed my cancer to them. They never really knew how bad it was.”
“How on earth would you do that? Why would you do that?”
“My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s shortly before I started chemo. He’s still doing all right, as far as his health goes, but his mind is very different from what it used to be. It’s been heartbreaking for my mum. Watching her go through that, I knew I couldn’t burden her with everything I was going through, too. So I downplayed everything. I emphasized the cure rate for melanoma, and I never mentioned my treatment unless someone asked about it. I hid the side effects from everyone, except Becca. I tried to act like I had more energy than I did, and I stayed away from everyone on the worst days.”
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Theo had something she’d wanted for her entire life: a family that could support him through tough times. And yet when he’d needed them most, he hadn’t reached out to them at all.
“I’m surprised you could keep such a secret from your family, if they’re as pushy as you say they are.”
“It wasn’t easy, believe me. But everyone was very upset about my father. I was determined not to burden them any further.”
“With the truth? Don’t you think they would have preferred to know what was going on?”
“I didn’t lie to them.”
“But you put on a facade. You told them what you thought they wanted to hear, rather than being honest with them.”
She could see that he was uncomfortable with this interpretation of events. “I wanted to do what was best for them,” he said. “I love my family. I couldn’t bear to see what my mother was going through. She was just starting to realize that she was losing my father just a little bit more, every day. I couldn’t stand to think that she’d have to worry about me, too.”
She could see that his intentions came from a good place, but she worried that the results of his choices left people feeling shut out. For three years, she’d thought he hadn’t cared about Maisie at all because of his silence. And even recently, when he’d arrived on St. Victoria, he’d been silent for that first week because he’d said he hadn’t wanted to bother her, while she’d begun to think that he’d left the island and given up on fatherhood. She believed that Theo meant well, but she wondered if he realized that by keeping his feelings so far inside, he was shutting himself out from people who might care about him.
And if Theo was so used to shutting people out, then would he shut her out? Or Maisie? She needed to know.
“What about now?” she said. “I hate to suggest this, but what if the cancer comes back? How can I know for sure that you’re not just downplaying anything that’s wrong so that I’ll feel better?”
“That’s not going to happen,” he said.
“But how do I know?”
He thought for a long moment. “I suppose all I can do is promise to tell you if anything changes,” he said.
“And will you?” she said. “You’ll tell me at the first sign of any problems?”
“Yes. Only there aren’t going to be any problems.”
“How can you possibly say that? Surely you must worry about the cancer coming back. How could you not, as an oncologist and a recovering cancer patient.”
“I worry about it sometimes, in an abstract way.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t believe you. You’re scared about it, I can tell.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Scared?”
“Absolutely. And it’s completely understandable. Anyone in your situation would feel the same way. I even feel a little scared, thinking about your health.”
“Willow, there’s no need to worry. I’m fine.”
She shook her head. “I don’t need you to reassure me that you’re okay. I need you to be real with me about how you’re feeling.”
“And you believe I’m feeling scared.”
“I know you are.”
“How?”
She nodded toward where Bixby was running on the beach. “Because that poor dog lives on your front porch.”
He looked more confused than ever. “Bixby? But he’s happy there. I’ve bought him a bed, and toys.”
“You’ve even taught him a few tricks. Anyone can see that you love that dog. So...why the porch, Theo? Why doesn’t your dog live in the house?”
His shoulders slumped in defeat. He’d seen where she was going. “Because I don’t want him to get too attached. He’s just a dog. If anything happened to me, he couldn’t understand. Who would take care of him if the cancer came back?”
They sat together for a while, watching Maisie play on the beach. After a long while, he said, “I suppose you’re right. I am a little scared about the cancer coming back. But my prognosis is looking very good. There’s really no reason to worry.”
“Besides the fact that cancer is just generally a scary and worrisome thing?”
“Besides that, yes.”
“Good.”
He looked quizzical. “Good?”
“Yes. Not that your cancer could return. That’s sad to think about, and I hope you don’t ever have to face that. But we’ve just been talking about how you kept the extent of your illness hidden from the people closest to you, and I need to be able to trust that if you were dealing with something serious, you’d tell me. So I’m glad that you could finally admit that you’re scared. Because the things that happen to you won’t just affect you, they’ll affect Maisie, too. So I need you to be open about what you’re going through.”
She wasn’t sure how to put it into words, but Willow also knew that she would be extremely upset if anything were to happen to Theo. She didn’t want to be taken by surprise, if possible. And more than that, she wanted to know that Theo wasn’t the kind of person who shut other people out of his life during difficult times. The whole point of family, as she’d always seen it, was to support one another. She needed to know that Theo could be emotionally accessible. He might claim to distance himself in order to protect his loved ones, but she didn’t think that was the whole story. He’d talked about his family having poor boundaries sometimes, and she wondered if he’d grown overly cautious about how much he allowed himself to depend on people.
Well, they certainly had that in common. But if Theo couldn’t let a dog that he was clearly fond of into his own home, what did that say about his ability to get close to his child?
But Theo had promised to be open with her. And she did believe that he was sincere in his desire to protect those he cared about. She might not agree with his past choices, but it seemed that he was doing his best to change his future. After all, he was here now. And she was more than willing to give both Theo, and herself, a chance.
She allowed her body to relax into the crook of his arm, letting herself enjoy feeling him circling her, protecting her.
He buried his nose in her hair and murmured, “Think she’ll notice if I steal a kiss?”
“Later,” she murmured back.
* * *
Hours later, Willow had left, an exhausted Maisie asleep in her stroller.
Theo waited until Bixby had settled down on his porch bed, and then went inside to sink into an armchair.
He should have felt flushed with accomplishment. And in many ways, he did. The day had offered him exactly what he’d hoped to find when he came to St. Victoria. He’d spent time with Maisie and had found that even at just three years of age, his daughter had a personality all her own. She was funny and bright, fond of tickles and delighted to show him interesting objects she’d found on the beach. It had warmed his heart to find her so eager to connect with him, even though he and Willow had agreed that she wasn’t old enough yet to understand who he was in relation t
o her.
But his joy was bittersweet. Getting to know Maisie had shown him the stark reality of all the things he’d missed by staying away from her for these past few years. Willow’s voice had sounded so pained when she’d spoken of missing Maisie’s first words. But he’d missed all of it. The more he spent time with her, the more he began to regret his choice to stay away from her. And from Willow. The most beautiful woman he’d ever met, the warmest, kindest woman he’d ever known, had been right there in London all along. All he’d had to do was call her.
But he couldn’t have. Not then. Not while he was facing the worst of the cancer. If he couldn’t bear the thought of burdening his family with an accurate picture of his illness, then he certainly couldn’t have shared that information with the mother of his child.
He’d stayed away for their own good. But the cost of the choice he had made hit him harder today than it had in three years. It made his heart ache to think that Willow had struggled with her finances in London. He should have been there to help.
If he were faced with the same decision today, he wondered, would he still make the same choice he’d made more than three years ago? Now that he knew how much he cared for both of them, it would be far, far more difficult to stay out of their lives. At the time, he’d been so certain he was making the right choice, because he was doing it to protect them. But had it been the right choice? Suppose the worst happened, and he had to go through all of it again. Would it be better for him, to have Willow and Maisie there to support him? More importantly, he wondered if Willow was right; if it would be better for the two of them to know what he was going through.
He couldn’t change the past. All he could do was move forward.
He glanced at his phone and felt a twinge of guilt. He’d promised Willow that he’d be open with her about the cancer. And so far, he had been. His doctors had all been extremely positive about his prognosis now that he was in remission. But he hadn’t responded to a single message from any of his doctors since he’d arrived in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.
Caribbean Paradise, Miracle Family Page 10