From the Top (Central State)

by Jaqueline Snowe

  Fuck.

  My phone buzzed.

  Cami: Hey, you! I’ve been dying to hear from you. Any news?

  My stomach tightened. Of course, she remembered today was the day. Her text wasn’t any reason to worry--she was curious. That was it. Plus, I’d told her I would check this morning and that I’d let her know.

  Freddie: Yes—

  I hit send before I could type anything else. Dots appeared, disappeared, and reappeared before her response came through.

  Cami: Well?

  Freddie: We’ll chat when you get back.

  I brushed my hair out of my face, hating myself for acting so weird. Yesterday, we’d talked about her dreams of owning a studio and all the things she was doing to make it come true. I told her about working for a good cause. We’d shared everything and yet this held me up.

  It was a horrible idea to put all the feelings and uncertainty in a text message. She’d understand. I couldn’t tell her I got into Chicago and possibly the one in town in text. She could misread it and worry. Plus, was I capable of standing up to my dad? Could I actually turn down Chicago?

  Just imagining that conversation made my palms sweat.

  Freddie: Not bad news!

  She didn’t respond, and I chewed my lip. Fuck, this was already making me act different. She’d know it too. She could see right through me.

  Knock, knock.

  Damn, Cami must’ve run back here from the admin offices.

  I adjusted my glasses and opened the door, frowning at the expression on her face--her mouth turned down at the sides, her chin lacking the normally defiant determination I loved. Her cheeks were pink, her lips bare of any lip gloss, and her braided hair had a bunch of flyaways. Despite the way my heart beat faster around her, doubt seeped in.

  Would she stick with me if we did long distance? I was her first boyfriend of a few weeks. Three hours away was asking too much. It was hard for couples who’d been together for ages.

  Emotion lodged in my throat, and my hands weighed a million pounds. I couldn’t lift them to comfort her or pull her toward me. She sensed the change. I knew she did. Her posture stiffened, reminding me of the first few days of living by each other in the dorms.

  “Uh, how did the interview thing go?” My voice came out gruff and uncomfortable. The words didn’t fit the mood, and she still stood outside my door. Like she was unwanted. “Come in, please.” I forced myself to guide her in, everything feeling out of sorts.

  We normally kissed. She’d wrap her arms around my neck, and I’d pull her chest against mine. I’d breath her in, and she’d let out a little sigh that made my heart get tight. None of that this time.

  She crossed her arms and dragged her teeth over her bottom lip. “They went okay, but I’m not here to talk about that. You’re tense as hell, Freddie. What happened?”

  “Right.” I gripped the back of my neck and squeezed. My shoulders ached like I’d tried working out for the first time ever, and no matter how I stood, everything hurt. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes, uncertainty and worry leaking out of them.

  She arched a brow, still not touching me. I wasn’t sure why it mattered to me that she made the first move, but it did. So, I kept my space.

  I should tell her everything. All the worry and fear and choices bothering me. We could talk about them and come to a solution together, but no matter how much I tried to do that, my mind wanted me to see her reaction to distance. To test her? Maybe. To ensure she wasn’t Maddie? It wasn’t fair. I knew that. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “I was accepted into the program in Chicago.”

  She closed her eyes and nodded curtly. Then, she stared at me, her nostrils flaring as she made fists against her stomach. “Any here in town?”

  I shook my head. Things were too tense to mention the pending paperwork. The way her face crumpled made my stomach fall to the ground. She looked shattered.

  Her jaw tightened, and she blinked a lot. “That’s… are you excited?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Freddie.” She scrunched her brows and stepped toward me. “You need to talk to me.” She ran her fingers over my forehead, smoothing down my wrinkles. Her freckles were more pronounced with the lighting, and everything seemed so stupid.

  Why was I acting like this?

  I cupped her face and pressed my lips softly against hers. “I’m sorry. I assumed you wouldn’t want to do distance and created all this shit in my head. You’re not like that. I know. I know.”

  She wrapped her arms around my waist and patted my back as she kissed me back. “I thought you were going to break up with me when I walked in.”

  “What? No. No.” My throat ached from holding everything in. I needed her closer to me. More of her. I rested my chin on her head, still confused about the future but content in the moment. “I see a future with you.”

  “I want one with you, too, Freddie. If that means we do distance for a semester, then we do that. You living in Chicago doesn’t mean we’re over… unless you want it to be.”

  “I don’t. I really don’t.”

  “Then it’s settled.” She squeezed me again, sighing into my chest. “I’m proud of you.” She spoke so quietly I almost didn’t catch it.

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. You applied for an internship. You’re moving away to live alone. That scares me, and you’re just doing it like it’s no big deal. That’s amazing. I’m proud of you.”

  “I’m… well, thanks. I’m not alone… my family is close. But yeah.” My ears burned at her compliment, and another wave of gratitude washed over me. How did I think this would end? That she wouldn’t support me? “You’re… I just love being with you.”

  “I love being with you too.”

  The unsaid words hung between us. It wasn’t the right time. I doubted her, us, ten minutes ago, and to say I loved her now would be an insult. I’d wait and make it special. If she’d never had a boyfriend, she might not have heard those words before, and I wanted to make it something she’d never forget. Cami deserved the world, and even though going to Chicago wasn’t for sure, the fact she didn’t run off secured everything.

  I loved her, and we’d be okay.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Cami

  My hair was curled to perfection. My makeup was ten out of ten, and I wore the cutest school spirited shirt and my black cutoff jeans to go meet Freddie’s parents. Instead of coming in on Friday before the football game, they’d arrived Thursday afternoon.

  Which was fine with me. Meeting them after dancing at the game would’ve been fine, but this was easier. Nervous was an understatement. My stomach did ten backhand springs and cartwheels as I locked my apartment door. My phone buzzed, Daniella’s name popping up.

  Daniella: Good luck with the rents tonight!

  Cami: Check on me in an hour. Might need CPR.

  God, my life was so different than it had been a few weeks ago. Freddie., our new coach, and my friendship with Daniella. I wasn’t sure what I’d done, but the girl had declared herself my new best friend. I even liked her? Trusted her? The feelings were weird and scary, but her text made me smile.

  Naomi already FaceTimed me, wishing me luck.

  Now, it was just my first time ever meeting the parents of the guy I really fucking liked. My palms sweated an embarrassing amount. I can do this.

  I got to his unit, wiped my hands on my jeans, checked my teeth in my camera, and knocked. Gametime.

  Freddie opened the door, a huge smile on his lips. “Cami, hey.” Happy lines appeared around his eyes, and he tucked me under his arm. “I missed you.”

  “You saw me yesterday.” My face hurt from smiling so much.

  “Yeah, but you didn’t sleep over.” He kissed the top of my head before shutting the door. Last night was another team dinner where we stayed at a diner way too late laughing.

  Bizarre experience, but also amazing?

  “Gotta keep you on your toes
, big guy.” As I said the words, two older people who were carbon copies of Freddie grinned at me from the living room. His mom was petite and had the same dark hair and thick glasses while his dad was built like a bus and had Freddie’s easy smile.

  He held out his hand first. “It’s wonderful to meet you, Cami. I’m Frederick.”

  “You too.” I smiled, turning to his mom. She had a twinkle in her eyes as she shook my hand and said pleasantries. They were so pleasant and kind, and I didn’t pick up even a spark of judgement on their part.

  I was looking for it too.

  “Freddie was going on about you, so it’s so wonderful to meet you. Tell us all about yourself. You dance? Minoring in business? What a tough combination. I was a cheerleader all through college.”

  Oh my God, I love her. “That’s tough work.”

  “I know. Dance is too. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Dancing and cheer are way more fun than football. I go to support the school? Honestly, I’m not sure. Mainly because our family goes. Fred, why do I go to football games?”

  “Because I like watching, and you love me?”

  “Right. That.” His mom rolled her eyes and hit my forearm like we were friends. All my nerves zapped out of me. She was so easy to be around.

  His dad too.

  “Guys, come on. We’re having a drink and be cool.”

  “Freddie, dear. If she’s with you, she knows you’re not cool. You don’t come from cool no matter how much Camden tries.”

  I snorted, absolutely adoring this family. The comforting atmosphere, the obvious love between all of them was so strange, but in a wonderful way. They loved each other. It was so clear. I couldn’t recall a single time Naomi, my parents, and I were in a room with an openness like this. The divorce was the right move for them, but this sort of ease? It was fascinating to know it existed, and to be a part of it even for a short time felt special. Like maybe… with the right person, this was what life was like.

  Freddie led me to the couch and got me a beer while his parents sat on the love seat. They asked about my dad, what I thought about hockey, and even my twin sister.

  “The thought of twins makes my heart freeze up. Two of Camden. Boy howdy. No thank you.” His mom put a palm over her heart. “Fred, it’s like a nightmare.”

  His dad ran a hand over his face just as someone walked into the place. Camden.

  “You must’ve known we were talking about you.” His dad got up and gave his second son a hug. “Good to see you, Cam.”

  “Talking shit already?”

  “Always.” His mom beamed at him, pulling him into a hug next. “Just imagining the horror of having two of you. I can’t believe Cami is a twin.”

  “Ah, the fun I could’ve had with another me. We would’ve made Freddie’s life hell.”

  “You do that well all on your own,” Freddie said.

  Everyone laughed, and Camden grabbed a drink before sitting on the couch. Everything seemed so simple. So nice.

  Freddie rested his arm around the back of the sofa, occasionally dragging his fingers through my hair. Each time, goosebumps broke out down my neck. I almost laughed at how worked up I’d been before meeting them. They were so sweet and down to earth. Was this how normal people felt? Secure and safe and welcomed in a relationship?

  “Have you made up your damned mind about what you’re doing next semester yet?” Camden asked, whistling as he eyed the living room. “If you want to sublet this place and keep it in the fam, I could try and break out of my other lease. I could live here. Be lavish and shit.”

  “Of course you’re subleasing it. What do you mean made up your mind yet?” his dad asked, his gaze on Freddie. His voice was stern and then he narrowed his eyes at Camden.

  “Shit. Didn’t mean to walk into an awkward-sauce convo. Bro, you chose Chicago then? Swore you said you were considering here?”

  Camden furrowed his brows and looked to me, then his brother.

  The hairs on my neck prickled as the air shifted. His dad sat up straighter, and his mom tightened her grip on his knee. My pulse raced, and I wasn’t sure why. The growing silence became so loud I heard my own breaths coming in and out like I’d done fifty burpees in a row. The tension made no sense. The question was simple enough, and yet my shoulders slumped like they understood something I didn’t. The weighted secrets reminded me of my parents splitting up, the looks, the concerns, the obvious fact I was kept in the dark intentionally.

  “Yes. Yes. I’m moving, uh, to the city, right.” Freddie cleared his throat and crossed one leg over the other so his ankle rested on his knee.

  “Okay,” Camden said, his voice lacking the usual swagger he seemed to ooze. “I thought you said you were accepted into a business down here. My b.” Camden leaned back into the La-Z-Boy and spoke to the ceiling. “I know this ruins my rep, but with the parental units here I might as well play up my soft side. Dude, I’m gonna miss you. I hoped for a hot second you’d stay in town but at least give me your place.”

  “Should we head out for dinner?” Freddie said, almost shouting. My throat hurt to swallow, and my chest heaved as my mind caught up to the conversation.

  “Yes, we should. I agree.” His mom stood up too fast.

  Camden and I shared a look, and something gross twisted in my stomach.

  I thought you said you got into a place down here.

  I wouldn’t have thought twice about him saying that if it weren’t for Freddie’s weird reaction. Or his mom’s…like they wanted to avoid the comment and act like it wasn’t said. Even now, as they all bustled around me, talking about where to go, the pieces clicked together.

  The last two weeks, when I asked Freddie about the internship, he’d been really vague. Working out the details. Still in progress.

  When I’d asked if they gave him a reason why he didn’t get into the programs here, he’d changed the subject.

  That day I’d come up here and he looked at me like we were over…what if he had gotten into a program here and didn’t want to tell me? What if he chose not to stay here?

  “I need to use the restroom really quick.” I ducked my head and went to the one in Freddie’s room, needing some space from what had just happened. Freddie said something, but I waved him off, shutting the door and locking it.

  Deep breath.

  “Why the fuck did you say that in front of her?” Freddie’s angry voice carried through the door, solidifying my dread.

  In front of me.

  My boyfriend had lied to me. He’d gotten into a program in town and said he didn’t. He chose to go to Chicago instead of staying here. All without telling me. All with lying to me.

  His whole family knew the truth. Just not me. They probably thought I was a distraction, a tease, someone not worth his time.

  He could’ve chosen here, this town, me, but didn’t.

  Fuck. I ran a hand over my face, careful not to smear any makeup. I knew better than to get comfortable with him. My life didn’t have moments like his—where everything was peaceful and everyone loved each other. No one chose me. Not my parents, my coach, my sister.

  We’d talked about distance, but was I so agreeable because I’d thought that was the only option? That he didn’t choose to leave this town? Leave…me?

  Shit. My eyes got that prickly feeling in the back of them. I took a few breaths, but it didn’t stop the sting from growing to full tears. My eyes filled with moisture, and I blinked them away. My fingers shook as I texted Naomi.

  Cami: call me, sos.

  She rang the next second. “What happened?”

  “Give me an emergency.” My voice cracked with emotion. “Invent one.”

  “I got in a car accident then. Where are you? Do you need me to come there?”

  “No. I need to get out of this dinner.” I sniffed and rubbed my forehead. “Fuck.”

  “With Freddie’s family? What happened?”

  “Cami?” Freddie knocked on the bathroom door, his voice nervous and tigh
t. Sadness masquerading as anger made me snap.

  “What?”

  “Open the door.”

  “I’ll be at your place in ten,” I whispered to Naomi, hanging up and pocketing my phone. My boyfriend wanted to talk? Fine. We’d talk.

  I unlocked the handle, flung it open, and faced him. All six and a million feet of him filled with self-doubt and half-truths. “You lied to me.”

  “Yes. I did.” His jaw flexed, and he glanced over his shoulder. “Camden shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Don’t blame him for something that was your doing.”

  “My fault?” His brows disappeared into his hairline. “Cami, it’s my decision where I go next semester. Not yours.”

  The second he said the words, he winced and blinked. “Wait, no, that came out wrong. Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Could we—”

  “I gotta go.” I sniffed, not caring that he could see me being weak. His words were a truthful slap in the face. Of fucking course it was his choice, but lying to me about it was shitty. Boyfriends didn’t lie. Not to the people who loved them.

  “Cami, wait.”

  “No.” He reached for my arm, and I yanked it away. “Naomi got in a car accident.”

  “You’re lying.” He frowned, the muscles in his jaw flexing every other second.

  “Hm, not so fun when the game is turned around, huh?” I brushed past him, marched into the living room, and avoided his parents’ gaze. Shame and embarrassment covered me head to toe, but they had nothing on the shattering of my heart.

  My insides felt twisted around, like they’d been misplaced, and my throat throbbed with my pulse. My vision blurred as I ran down the hall toward the staircase. Freddie hurt me. He’d lied to me. He hadn’t told me the full truth.

  I would’ve accepted him choosing his future over me, but keeping it from me intentionally? God, this betrayal hurt. He didn’t trust me or us enough to be honest, so what was the fucking point?