Lawlessly in Love 3

by Mercy B

  Of course, I knew that Sosa wouldn’t allow Sophia to go with me, which would be the more motivation I needed to get my shit together. I’d see baby girl, but I understood that I couldn’t care for her at the time. However, I would work day and night to make it all possible. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Sosa wouldn’t agree, and here we were. Alone in the room, aside from Sophia, having an intense stare down.

  “Three months. Two weeks. Six days. G! Three months. Two weeks. Six days. Nah. A nigga ain’t asking for no fucking cookie, but he would like to be cut some slack. You really ’bout to leave with this clown, and I can count on my fingers how many times he came to see about his fucking daughter. This doting ass father was nowhere to be found when you really needed the nigga.”

  “Sosa. This was hard for him.”

  “Hard for him? G. Do you know how hard this shit been for me?”

  There was emptiness.

  There was pain.

  There was betrayal.

  There was frustration.

  There was anger.

  And there were tears.

  Tears.

  “Imagine living a bogus ass life for as long as your memory serves you. Imagine slanging and banging and doing whatever else it took to survive in the streets. Imagine avoiding bitches like the plague, fucking them only when you needed a quick nut. Then, by chance, you run into some lame ass girl who flips your world upside down and snatches the blindfold from your eyes. Imagine you doing her dirty while she holding shit down, but knowing deep inside that you’ll never let her go.

  “Imagine doing the most to keep her around and getting her pregnant so that you two will forever be in one another’s lives. Then, imagine her sacrificing her life to birth your seed and ending up in a coma. The same coma you’ve dodged for years. The same coma you could’ve been in after several shoot outs, run ins with the ops, days on the corner, and just wilding in the streets.

  “The same coma that took niggas out that he knew and possibly fucked with in the game. The same coma that some motherfuckers don’t wake up from. The same coma you felt like you should be in because baby girl just don’t deserve that shit.” Sosa grabbed Sophia’s bag that was sitting right next to us. “Imagine that, G.”

  “Sosa—”

  “Let me run this down to you! This is the type of shit I’m on, G. Not no childish ass baby momma and baby daddy shit. I’m trying to get you to see a nigga worth locking down. Every day for the last past month, I’ve been wanting to put one of these bitches on your finger.” He reached into the bag that he carried around with him religiously. It was Sophia’s diaper bag. “Every fucking day, but I just couldn’t choose. I could never choose, and I wanted you to be the one.” Six ring boxes. He placed six boxes on the table before opening them one by one.

  “I’m talking forever. I’m talking a family. I’m talking you, me, and Soph, G. I’m talking unconditional shit. And you talking about walking out of here with a nigga that you can’t even ask to help you to the bathroom because you’re afraid to inconvenience him. Inconvenience him, G? What do you think you’ll be in his home, G?

  “And if you think for a second that I’m coming to your rescue whenever you call, you’re a motherfucking lie. I know I fucked up. I know that shit haunts you. I’m aware that you may never forget that shit, but can you at least forgive a nigga? What you got to prove, G? I’m in love with your ass, and you got a nigga hurting right now with this bullshit you pulling. You’ve left Sophia and I once, and you’re trying to do that shit again.

  “We waited on you. Me and that little girl over there. We’ve waited for months, and you’re just going to leave us hanging. If your intentions are to make me feel at least half of the pain you felt, then you’ve won, G. I ain’t afraid to admit that I ain’t shit without you. I ain’t shit without Sophia. I ain’t got shit if I ain’t got y’all. Can’t you see that? You’re my fucking life!” Sosa ground his teeth together as he pounded onto his chest with wet eyes.

  “Is that your aim, G? To punish me?”

  “You did it to me, Sosa. You left us.” Finally, the floodgates opened, and my truth was no longer spared. “You started this.”

  “And I’ve been doing what it takes to end this shit.”

  “But that’s not fair. That’s not how this works. I deserve this moment.”

  “And I’m letting you have it as long as you fix this shit by the end of this moment. And not let another moment pass. We’re grown, Gauge. And I don’t know much about love, but I know that it doesn’t work like this. You don’t spend your days wondering how to get back at your partner for something they’ve done in the past. You work it out or move on. The decision is yours, G. This is the moment you choose. Choose me.” Sosa looked down at the rings and then back up at me.

  He wanted an answer. Not tomorrow or not next week. It was now or never. There was no way I would oblige. Folding and giving him his wish was not what I was going to do. He deserved whatever pain he was feeling, and I had every intention to deepen his wound.

  “I can’t,” I shook my head and admitted. “I can’t choose you, Sosa. You didn’t choose me until you had no other choice.”

  “There was always another choice, G.”

  “There wasn’t.”

  “Disappear forever.” He gathered the rings and began placing them in the bag again. “But I ain’t have the heart to make it. Not knowing what I had left behind. Not having experienced Gauge Morrison. The choice was always made, even when it didn’t seem like it. I’ve always chosen you.”

  With that, Sosa stood and began gathering his and Sophia’s things. I allowed his words to sink in as I cleaned my face and watched the broken man before me try and piece together his thoughts and his pride. I’d never seen this side of him, and it made my love for him that much deeper.

  I’d gotten lost in my thoughts before I heard his voice again. “I got you a new phone, and I’ve programmed my information in it already. There’s also a camera installed in the house so that you can see Sophia when she’s in her room. I don’t want you to miss too much more of her life. When you want to see her, just hit me up, and I’ll try to make that happen.”

  He didn’t fuss anymore, and neither did he put up a fight. Deep within me, anger sprouted because I wanted him to continue campaigning for my presence. But he didn’t. Instead, he took his loss and began conjuring a solution for us all.

  “G. My job is done. I’m going to take this first trip to the car and empty this load while you say your goodbyes to Soph. I’ll be back up to get the rest and for her too.”

  Nodding, I agreed to what he’d just said. I watched as he got closer to the door, and the words that I had been holding back came bursting from my lips. “I’m sorry, Sos.”

  Stopping without looking back, Sosa found humor in my statement. “You’re not sorry, G,” he stated before continuing.

  When the door closed behind him, I leaned over into Sophia’s bassinet. She was sleeping so peacefully after having her father feed her as we ate. Sosa didn’t mind being inconvenienced by his baby girl. He was true to his word. Whatever she needed him to be, he became. Silently, I wondered why it had taken him so long to become who I needed him to be.

  Sophia had locked him down in three months. It had gone from him not wanting to be in his child’s life and pulling a disappearing act to him being the best father I had ever laid eyes upon. It was so strange and partially hard to believe, which was why I gave him such a hard time. I knew what type of man Sosa was deep down inside, and I didn’t want to forgive him for the shit he’d done, start something new, and then he got tired of playing the good guy role.

  Then, there was always Brielle. Something deep down in my heart told me that it was Sosa, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I needed a reason to hate him or because it was true. Whatever the case was, I couldn’t shake the thought of her or his guilt. I felt foolish for even beginning to consider ways to satisfy his craving for me as I continued to marvel over the human
we had made together.

  She was so damned pretty with a headful of hair. Sosa had put her in a lovely pink dress and even put baby girl on some shoes. From the look of it, he wasn’t planning to go straight home. There was no telling what he had up his sleeve.

  The door swung open, and I expected my father to come inside, but it was Sosa. He’d returned from his trip to the car and was ready to take my baby away from me. The thought was agonizing as I prepared for the worse. As if he read my mind, Sosa lifted her up and placed her at my lips. I kissed all over her face until I grew exhausted.

  “We out, G,” Sosa finally spoke again.

  Though it was only minutes, it seemed as if it had been an eternity since I’d heard his voice. I’d like to say that it soothed my soul, but it only brought on the burdens. Thinking quick on my toes, I tried to find a way to share the apology I’d come up with during his trip outside.

  “I… uh.” I stuttered. “I am sorry, Sosa. You’re right. I want you to suffer. I want to hurt you as much as you hurt me.”

  “It’s all good, G.” Sosa shrugged. “Can’t shit hurt me worse than seeing you in that bed. Anything else, I can survive. Take care, love.”

  With those parting words seeming so final, I crumbled inside as I watched the love of my life and my daughter exit my room.

  Chapter 8

  Gauge

  “Mili. Are you awake, baby?” My father called me by my pet name.

  “Yeah, Daddy. You heading out to work?” I questioned, knowing the answer already.

  “Got that right. Heading on out of here. I’ll be late tonight, but the nurse is scheduled to stay. You need anything before I go?”

  Yes, to piss and to clean my ass, I thought but didn’t voice. To be honest, I was beginning to believe that my father had been accepting longer shifts down at his job to avoid coming home. Maybe I was tripping, but I couldn’t recall him working this much. We’d steered clear of the elephant in the room, the large one that was a vivid reminder that my father was uncomfortable with the state that I was currently in.

  So accustomed to me being the light of his life and so independent, he wasn’t prepared or strong enough to deal with me through my trying days. To a certain degree, I understood his difficulty. Not a man of expression, he threw himself into work instead of focusing on what was bothering him.

  “No. Don’t overwork yourself, old man!” I forged a smile as he nodded and slid away from the opening of the door. Most days, it was as far as he came.

  “I won’t.”

  Like clockwork, the nurse was ringing the doorbell as my father left for work. Her timing was always perfect. Alex was her name, and she was the key to successful days around this camp. She had a way of not making me feel handicapped and even encouraged me to make strides on my own. She, too, was a mother and full of life, which was encouraging enough. Yet she threw her two cents in every chance she got, and I was thankful for it.

  “Well, good morning. We’re going to start this day off by opening these blinds and getting some sunlight in here. This place looks deserted right now. How did you sleep last night?” She waltzed into the room, sparing no boundaries and putting her best foot forward. It was always the same thing with her.

  “I slept well, but I’ve been needing to get to the bathroom all morning.”

  “Figured.” She tossed her purse and lunch bag in the small area in the corner that she’d made her own. “Let’s get your bladder emptied, honey.”

  And that was the start of my days. I needed help getting to the toilet, getting tissue, wiping my ass sometimes, washing my hands, brushing my teeth, and everything else imaginable that could be done in the bathroom. It was embarrassing, to say the least, which was why I refused to ask my father to assist me.

  I was honestly just thankful to have his company on the days that he came inside instead of stood at the door and we watched a movie or listened to some old tracks he had laying around. It was those moments that reminded me of the bond we had built during the course of my childhood.

  Chapter 9

  Sosa

  After G socked fire to my soul, I sat in the parking lot of the hospital, debating on returning to convince her that with Sophia and me was where she belonged, but I decided against it. If there was nothing else I’d learned about my daughter’s mother, it was that she was stubborn as they came. We were compatible in that department. There wasn’t a thing I could do or say to get her to change her mind, so I pulled my shit together and got ghost.

  As suspected, she called every day. Sometimes, it was several times a day. However, I wasn’t buying into her little games. I was well aware of why she was calling so much. She wanted to feel included in my and Sophia’s days. Had she been with us, then this wouldn’t have been an issue, but I didn’t fuss or fight. I simply only took one of her calls per day and sat my cell on the floor as she and Sophia had girl time.

  During those moments, I let them have their way. I didn’t butt in, involve myself in their shenanigans, or try and get any airtime. Once their time was up, I ended the call with as little as a goodbye. It all depended on how I was feeling that day. To be honest, most days, I was still feeling like the scorned ass nigga that had walked out of the hospital a week prior.

  “Sophia. What you want to put on, momma? We hitting these streets today. Can’t be cooped up in this bitch no longer. These walls are about to drive a nigga insane.”

  I questioned Sophia all the time as if she could respond. There would come a time that she would, and I simply wasn’t prepared. If I had to keep shit real, I wanted her to remain my little Soso for the rest of her life. I could get used to having a sidekick with me. When they got older, they started showing their asses, and I wasn’t ready to kick her in hers. We were good right now, and I wanted it to stay this way forever.

  The ringing of my cell jarred me from my thoughts. I could almost guess who was calling. Gauge was so predictable. It was all good though. Sophia was chilling, and I needed her occupied while I found her something to put on for the day. I answered the phone and immediately set it a few feet across from the play mat that Sophia was on. It was meant to promote growth and help her gain mobility. It resembled a small baby gym with the millions of gadgets and shit hanging from the top.

  “Sophia! I miss you, momma. What are you doing?”

  Per usual, Sophia was all gums at the sound of Gauge’s voice. If you asked me, it was her favorite sound. Little momma got so rowdy when Gauge appeared on the screen. She always tried scooting closer, not understanding that she couldn’t touch her mother. It was a phone she was on and not in her presence.

  “Hey! Hey, big momma. You miss Momma too? Look what Momma learned to do this week.” Without turning my head, I listened for the progress Gauge had made. Secretly, I looked forward to these updates. “I can move my legs, baby. The next step is standing. And these arms are getting even stronger. I’ll be able to hold you in no time.”

  Filled with glee, I continued to spy. I wondered what else G had to tell us, because she surely wasn’t just talking to Sophia. She was aware that I was near and could hear everything that she was saying. But we were both on some other shit, so pretending neither of us were concerned with the other was our solution.

  Six rings.

  G had passed up six rings when it was bitches that were begging for one. I still couldn’t get over that shit. Baby girl was out for my heart, and she’d butchered that motherfucker. Real shit, she’d proven one of the reasons why I avoided that love shit altogether. I wasn’t built for it. From here on out, I would carry myself the same way I had before I met her ass—fucking bitches when I needed to drain my balls. However, that shit could wait. G needed to heal up first because that was the only person I was trusting with Soph.

  “Alright, Sophia. Mommy is going to let you go. I’ll call you later.”

  She wasn’t fronting. If G mentioned calling later, she usually meant much later. There was no way I was putting Sophia on the phone at that time of
night, and she knew it. If she wanted to see her daughter, then she could access the cameras to her nursery. That was much better than a call in my opinion.

  With a Gucci fit in my hands, I ended the call and swooped my baby girl up from the floor. I considered surprising G with a visit, knowing she and Sophia missed one another, but I quickly decided against that shit. I knew that I wasn’t ready to sit in the room with G and not tear into her ass about the shit that she’d pulled.

  Plus, I’d been jacking my dick damn near every night and knew that if I pulled up on her, then I would end up fucking the shit out of her stubborn ass and feeding her another vitamin that she swore was a Plan B. I knew that my intentions were ill, but I didn’t give a damn. Gauge was mine to have, whether she understood right now or got the point in nine months when we were birthing our second child.

  The thought of birth quickly snapped me from the trance I was in and placed me back at the hospital where Gauge had been for months. I couldn’t help but wonder if her body could withstand birthing another child. Noting within myself, I was sure to scribble the fact that I needed to get up with her doctor and find out the risks of a second pregnancy and so soon. If they were greater than the last birth, then I would chill the fuck out. However, if he said that shit was all good, then I was going for broke.

  Gauge would be pissed, two children back to back and only about a year apart. But I wouldn’t give one fuck. Sophia would be four months in less than three days, so I figured we were in the clear. As long as they weren’t born in the same year, she had nothing to be upset about besides her health. But I would make sure that was intact for the both of our sakes.

  This time, I was praying for a son. Sophia was mine, so I wanted to give G someone to keep her company. There was no denying the fact that Sophia was a daddy’s girl. We were damn near joined at the hip. Wherever I went, she went. It was only the two of us. Still to this day, my trust was fucked up. I hardly even trusted G’s father with Sophia, less known anyone else. I’d been advised by the nurses and hospital staff during our stay to consider a nanny or some shit, but I wasn’t having it.