River of Thieves

by Clayton Snyder

"Ah, yes," the skull chuckled. "This is well-made. Come now, to the surface. We don't need these others."

  Ferd nodded and departed, taking the tunnel upward, the direction and slope different again. As they passed from the room, the skull finally spoke above a whisper.

  "Later, shitbrains!"

  ***

  The memory faded, and the gate tunnel shimmered. Ferd stepped from the gate into a rainswept street. In the distance, a black spire. Closer, a lake filled with boats. Not Tremaire, somewhere further. Somewhere new. Another chance.

  PART THREE

  Epigraph

  If you see that stranger

  Coming on the track

  I can hear your mama just calling you back

  Hit you like a fever, fever deep

  And I touch you like a thief

  And leave your pockets clean

  Rival Sons - Do Your Worst

  Cannibals, Pederasts, and Fuckmouth Sausage

  I leaned over the rail of the Codfather, staring into the foamy wake of the ship as we sped west, toward Orlecht. Lux repaired the Harrower engine, and while Cord lobbied for us to use it immediately, flinging us toward the city, I had little to no interest in being plunged into the deadlands again. To be honest, my capacity for horror was damn near full, and if I saw one more unspeakable nightmare, I was gonna crawl into a wine cask and not come up for air for several years.

  Cord joined me at the rail, leaning on the weathered wood with both elbows.

  "Whatcha thinkin' about?" he asked.

  "How wizards seem to be obsessed with dicks. I mean, they're everywhere. Not once have I seen a vagina monster, Cord. Why?"

  "Have you met a wizard? You think those guys have ever seen one?"

  "That's unkind."

  "Buncha stinky longbeards. Gods help you if you ever get something wrong around them. The sheer weight of the 'well, actuallys' would suffocate you. When I was in university, some of them even had a club. The Unfucks, they called themselves."

  "Unfucks?"

  "Involuntarily unfuckable. Try explaining that if you just shave, bathe, and stop wearing those weird-ass robes and pointy hats, you'd at least have half a shake at it. Oh, and stop blaming everyone but yourself for your inability to socialize. Own up to it, Gern. You have a shelf full of intestinal parasites, and you've named them all. You have a straw mat you've painted the queen's face on. You refer to everyone you meet as either Lord or Lady."

  "Yeah, but why dicks?" I asked.

  Cord shrugged. "Some people take up philosophy, some people navel-gaze."

  "But in this case, the navels are..."

  "Yeah."

  I grimaced. The landscape changed since our passage through the Godsteeth. Where before the continent had been almost overwhelmingly long grasses and hills, this side of the mountains the spaces north and south were thick and woody. Bird cries and other calls hung in the air, and occasionally, a deer or a boar appeared from the tree line, staring at the boat as we passed.

  "You notice how few ships sail this side of the river?" I asked Cord.

  "I hadn't until now," he said. "But if I had to guess, there are a couple of reasons. One, we burned down Midian. That'll put a cramp in trade. Two, most of Orlecht's traffic is coastal. Three, there are other cities, but they're smaller, and at the end of tributaries too small for this boat."

  "What about piracy?"

  "Aside from the assholes in the valley? Hell of a lot of work on a river. You're better off on the seas, where you can maneuver. One wrong move here and you beach both boats, run them against rocks, or worse, find yourself locked with an enemy you hadn't expected to lose to." He shook his head. "Not worth it."

  I watched the forest roll by for a few minutes before another question came to mind. "I'd always heard this side of the mountains was filled with monsters. I don't see any."

  "That's probably for the best."

  "Why?"

  "If they see you, they want to eat you."

  "Ah. But one or two can't be bad, right?"

  "Most of the things in there are clannish. Tend to bond together for safety. There are supposedly even carnivorous trees in there."

  "Why the fuck would those exist?"

  "If I had to guess, because the world exists to fuck with us."

  We watched the water pass for another few minutes. Cord sighed.

  "Bored?"

  "Yeah. Can we turn on the engine?"

  "No. Fuck no."

  "Aw."

  "Go whittle something."

  "I'll whittle you a nice dildo."

  "The last thing the world needs is more dicks. Whittle me a whistle."

  "Fair enough." he wandered away.

  I made my way over to Lux. She raised her head from the bird she'd been toying with. I tried not to notice what she'd turned it into. She waggled the wings, and I looked despite myself. It wore a grin instead of a beak, and a scorpion's tail curved over its back. I shuddered and remembered I loved her.

  "Coming to the cabin tonight?"

  She looked out over the water. "Maybe."

  "It's been a month. I'd like you to move in. It's a big cabin."

  "I need time. I need space. I need you to understand those things."

  "I need you to understand I won't wait forever," I said.

  I turned on a heel and made my way to the other side of the boat. I stared out at the woods a little longer, then sighed. I felt the tension in my shoulders, my back aching despite having nothing to ache for. Whatever was coming in Orlecht had me on alert, my nerves keyed up like the strings on a lute. I almost missed the days working in the mill, the nights at the Dripping Bucket. Then I thought of our little family, and realized I would have missed them more. Even had I never met them, there would always have been a piece gone from my life.

  I turned away from the rail and slipped below deck to get some sleep.

  ***

  Lux woke me just after dawn, her face pale and lovely in the dim light of our quarters. She'd conceded a little. I had her in the private moments and the small hours, and though I knew Lux was not a thing to be owned, a selfish part of me was still glad she gave of herself.

  "We're here," she said, and pulled me up.

  We walked to the top deck to see the sun peeking above the horizon, setting the sea beyond the city on fire, the clouds and sky pink and blue the color of robins' eggs. Ahead, the city. I'd never seen anything quite like it, and cursed myself for a fool for thinking Midian was what passed for civilization. It shared similarities—it straddled the river, a great curtain wall, wide roads leading into massive gates.

  Here though, the forest had been cut back, and extending from the tree line to the banks of the river, a massive bazaar held sway, all manner of people shopping, hawking wares and food, and even performing filled it to the brim. Wooden stalls stood on earth worn bare by the passage of thousands of feet, and a series of posts carved with wards marked the edge of the forest.

  More people approached or left the city from the north and south, wide roads populated by peoples on foot and horseback. On this side of the wall, the river spread out, the deltas long ago dredged and cleared out, leaving a massive lagoon where ships bobbed at anchor or maneuvered into slips on the dock. Smaller boats—fishing trawlers—worked the areas closer to where the river spilled into the sea, and others, sleek rowboats with official-looking seals, delivered messages to and from the city proper.

  Tall buildings of stone and wood filled the city, and above them all, a spire of black marble quarried from somewhere distant. As we approached, the smells of the bazaar and the city mingled and filled the air—perfumes and spices, the press of bodies and animals, the odors of craftsmen—blacksmith and tanner and charcoal-maker—and created a scent that I would have associated with an offal pit in summer.

  "Woof," Cord said, coming to stand beside us.

  "Smells like hot ass."

  "Smells like someone set a pile of vomit on fire, then vomited on that fire," Rek said.

>   Lux took a deep breath. "Smells like heaven," she said.

  We turned and stared. She grinned and shrugged. Rek moved the boat to an open spot on the water and Cord spun the windlass, dropping anchor in the depths. We piled into the rowboat and made our way to the city.

  ***

  The guard at the river gate was about thirty, pudgy, and had the sleepy eyes of a habitual slipweed user. He glanced at our group, waving us through one by one until he got to Lux. He straightened and smiled, holding up a hand.

  "Just a minute there, honey. Where you going so fast?"

  Lux shrank back, and he leaned in, putting one hand across the postern gate, the leer on his lips growing wider.

  "There's a tax to get in, you know. Beauty tax. It's just, ah..."

  He reached down to grab his package, and found my knife at his balls. He froze, and I whispered in his ear.

  "Unless you want the next meal you eat to be fuckmouth sausage, I'd suggest letting her pass." I pressed the blade into his thigh, not stopping until he winced as the tip pierced the skin. "As a matter of fact, I'd forget this tax altogether. I'd even consider reparations."

  He nodded, and I pulled the blade away, the guard sucking in breath like I'd just tried to drown him in a mound of shit, and he'd managed to come up for air. Lux gave him a sweet smile and passed through, taking my hand on the other side. He stared at us for a minute, hate on his features, so I shot him a wink and a kiss, and we continued on.

  "I'm so proud of you," Cord said.

  "Me too," Rek chimed in.

  "Our little girl's growing up," Cord said and wiped away an imaginary tear.

  "I haven't been little in years."

  "I'm not even entirely sure you're female," Cord said.

  "Let's not get wrapped up in labels. What I am is a badass. And a great lay."

  "Gods, you have been spending too much time around him," Rek said.

  "One of us. One of us," Lux chanted in a mock-whisper.

  The river entry widened out to a large street, every manner of shop and craftsman. The near end featured a fish market, the stalls packed with ice and layered with fish of in every shape and size. Shoppers browsed the aisles, picking out bits of what they liked, and having them packaged into simple sacks.

  "Smells like a fish orgy," Cord said.

  "Probably tastes better than fuckmouth sausage though," Rek replied, drawing a laugh from the rest of us.

  "Okay, where to?" I asked.

  "Well, Camor sent us to stop a cult. Who belongs to cults?"

  "Cannibals," Lux said.

  "Probably pederasts," Rek supplied.

  "Rich people," I said.

  Cord touched his nose and smiled. "Winner. But first, I have to make a detour. Rek, Lux, find us lodgings. Nenn and I have to visit someone."

  ***

  Cord led me through a warren of streets I couldn't track on a good day, navigating through thick crowds and wide avenues until I thought my head would spin. Finally, we emerged onto a clean street, modest homes with small patches of green kept around them.

  "Where are we?" I asked.

  "Home," Cord said.

  "It's weird to think of you as having parents," I said.

  "You didn't think I just sprung from a rock, perfectly formed, did you?"

  "More like under a cow flop, mostly deformed," I said.

  "Wow. All this fame is making you mean."

  "Wait until I actually get rich."

  "Perish the thought. Let's be poor heroes forever."

  I made a face and he laughed, leading us up the street.

  We stopped in front of a small cottage, clean shingles and paint that had just begun to flake with time. Weeds dominated the yard of the still sturdy home. Cord pulled a key from a thong around his neck and led us in.

  Sheets covered the furniture, and a thick layer of dust coated everything else. He closed the door and stepped to the fireplace, running a hand across two urns on the mantle.

  "Hey mom. Dad. I brought Nenn. She's a great person, and if you don't like her, well, tough fuckin' nipples. But I know you would. Camor sent me home, and even though I know they meant Orlecht, I doubt they'd be upset about this little trip.

  "Anyway, there's something fucked up going on here, and we're going to stop it before it gets bad, for once. I just wanted to tell you, in case I can't come back again. But if Nenn does, you can't haunt her. I promised to do that. Okay, I love you guys."

  He turned to me.

  "Nenn, you want to say anything?"

  I thought for a moment. "Your son's a shithead, but he's the best kind."

  Cord nodded, looking back at the urns. "I told you she was great."

  We stepped out of the house. He locked the door and tucked the key away, and we were on our way once more.

  "Tell anybody about this, and I'll cut your nipples off and use them for thimbles," he said.

  "Your secret's safe with me, you momma's boy," I said.

  He slung an arm around my shoulders and we went in search of the others.

  ***

  We’d passed into a section of the city Cord called the Narrows. Every city has its shantytowns; it just seemed this one was on the inside. Buildings leaned against one another in haphazard fashion, putting me in mind of Midian. Narrow alleys appeared and disappeared seemingly at random, and though Cord led us through with confidence, I suspected if I came here alone, I’d be hopelessly lost for days. Cord stalked through the quarter with a sour look.

  “What’s up, buttercup?” I asked.

  He gestured around us. “This. I’ve been gone for half as long as I am old, and nothing’s changed. It’s just… doesn’t anyone care, Nenn?”

  I shrugged. “Sure, they care. They care about themselves. Everyone else can get fucked.”

  He nodded. “I used to think I could make a difference, you know.”

  “You? Caring?”

  “I had a kinder, gentler blade-wielding hand back then. Thought picking up a sword would make a difference. If I could protect the kingdom, it’d have a chance at fixing itself. When that didn’t work, I thought if I educated myself, I could apply that. And when that didn’t work, I decided I’d get myself paid, and let the whole thing rot.”

  “And now?”

  “And now I’m inclined to let it rot, but only after I burn it down.”

  We turned a corner, then another one quickly. Cord pulled me deeper into an alley with only room for us to fit sideways. I opened my mouth to ask what he thought he was doing, and if he wanted me to ram his balls all the way up into his stomach or only part way. He shook his head, cutting me off, and nodded at the entrance. I waited, and a group of men passed us on silent feet. They wore short blades or daggers, leather armor, and short hair. They looked like professionals.

  We waited another minute, then Cord pulled us out. He led us away from the party that passed.

  “What was that?” I asked.

  “When I left, it wasn’t on the best of terms,” he said.

  “I’m so surprised.”

  “I’m wounded. I’m very likeable.”

  “What’d you do? Rob them? Kick their puppy? Fuck their horse?”

  “I would never kick a puppy. But yes, I sort of robbed them. Then burned down their hideout,” his face screwed up in thought. “But I also paid reparations. They shouldn’t be after me.”

  “Then, what? They just decided to hunt you for sport?”

  “If I had to guess, not them. But somebody. Someone here wants to send me a message.”

  “Which is?” I asked.

  Two of the men appeared from the end of the alley we’d been walking down. I shuffled back and stopped, another two appearing from the other side. A fifth stepped forward, blades in his hands, a pinched look on his thin face.

  “Welcome to Orlecht,” he said.

  The leader turned to Cord and nodded. “Cord.”

  “Mict. I uh, I see you’ve been busy. Don’t suppose you’d tell me who hired you?”
r />   “Nah, fuck you. Easy or hard?"

  Cord raised his hands and backed against a wall. “Hey now, we’re square. Bell said as much when I paid her.”

  Mict shrugged. “Bell ain’t around no more. New management.”

  “I hate these godsdamned corporate structures,” Cord said.

  The men from each end moved in, Mict standing his ground at the mouth of the alley.

  “Got any ideas?” I asked Cord.

  He set his back against mine. “Yeah, STAB THAT GUY IN THE BALLS,” he shouted.

  As a battle plan, it was shit. But as an intimidation tactic, it was incredibly effective. The man facing me stiffened, his eyes going wide as my blades came out. I went low, ripping one into his thigh and leaving it there as he collapsed to one knee. I felt an impact and heard Cord grunt as he took on another attacker, then it was chaos.

  The second man tried to trip me up, bringing his blade in an upwards sweep, but I slipped to the side as I rose and slashed a cut along his forearm. Blood slicked his weapon, causing him to fumble, and I rammed another dagger into his eye. He fell away, leaving me facing Mict.

  Behind me, I heard one man wailing, and no sound from the other. I glanced back, seeing Cord had taken a nasty cut along his ribs, a move the assailant paid for. His own dagger jutted from his crotch, and he wept on the cobbles.

  Cord joined me, and he grinned.

  “Now, Mict. Care to renegotiate?”

  The would-be assassin paled and sprinted away.

  "Nenn?" Cord said.

  "On it."

  I flipped a blade as he fled. It sailed end for end and nailed the back of his head with a thunk, the hilt hitting his skull with a sound like a melon dropped from a roof. Mict collapsed, and Cord walked over, grabbing an ankle.

  "What're you up to?" I asked.

  He winked. "Grab his arms. I got questions."

  ***

  We dragged Mict to a blacksmith shop closed for the night. I tied the would-be assassin to a chair in one corner while Cord rummaged around in the tools. I tried my best to ignore his cursing, and the subsequent shout of joy as he found what he was looking for.