by Lucy Coleman
He stands, wandering over to the window and taking a moment to glance out. I doubt he’s taking in the scenery. Suddenly, he turns back to face Cressida.
‘Whose life hasn’t been touched by love in some way, shape, or form – even if they find it difficult talking about it? He showed his love by working hard all those years to keep us all together. Did you never stop to consider that maybe your sudden success somehow eroded his self-confidence when he was at a low ebb? I never saw him shed a tear, even at Mum’s funeral. He held it all in while we fell apart.
‘Granddad isn’t so very different from a lot of men of his generation who were brought up not to show their feelings. After a while maybe it’s so ingrained, even if they want to let it out they don’t quite know where to start. Jeez, even I struggle sometimes to talk about the things I bottle up inside for fear of letting it out and losing control. What I’m trying to say is that we’re all different, but no one finds it easy to show their vulnerability.’
Cressida frowns. ‘And I want to end my days with someone who isn’t afraid to face up to his feelings. Or alone, because my characters can give me everything I need and are a darned sight easier to contend with! That’s my entitlement, Cary.’ The angle of her head is a telltale sign that Cary needs to choose his words carefully.
‘You’re a natural-born writer because you can put words together in a way that brings a fictional story to life. The reader is able to step into that world for a while and away from their worries. That’s your God-given gift. Granddad’s skills allowed him to create some very beautiful buildings that will remain standing long after he’s gone. He’s not perfect, Grandma, no one is and perhaps it’s not too late for him to redeem himself, if he can face his demons and share the truth with you. He was your rock for a long time, even if you don’t quite see it in that way.’
Cressida’s frown tells me Cary’s words have made her stop and think.
‘The world would be a very dark place to live, indeed, if we couldn’t find it in our hearts to forgive. I forgave Matthew years ago because the alternative was to end up hating him and I could never do that. I always believed he was the one for me and there could be no other. It broke my heart when he shattered my trust and hearts aren’t easily mended I’m afraid, Cary. I don’t think mine is strong enough to relive those painful memories now, even if I have misjudged him. I can’t give you an answer, Cary, but I will think about what you’ve said.’
‘It was never my intention to upset you, Grandma. But I couldn’t let this go because I saw the truth in his eyes.’
Cressida bows her head, her eyes closed as she begins speaking once more.
‘What I find touching, Cary, is your belief in him and clearly whatever he said to you convinced you to fight his cause. I want you two to be close because you are right, he spent his entire life being a decent, hard-working man who provided for his family during difficult times. Nothing can take that away from him. If I’d known that following my dream would have widened the rift between the two of us, then that is something I would have been more than willing to sacrifice. If I had believed he truly loved me. Now leave me to my thoughts and trust that whatever I decide will be for the best. This is one old wound that has never healed. I know you mean well, but some damage can’t be undone.’
With that Cressida rises from her chair and makes her way to the door. Neither of us move a muscle until we can no longer see her and then Cary expels the breath he’s been holding in. As he does, his shoulders hunch slightly and he looks like he’s been on the receiving end of a vicious blow to the chest. He looks defeated. I hurry over and throw my arms around him. I know we’re both hoping we haven’t done more harm than good.
Nicholas appears in the doorway, checking to see if we are ready for him to wait on us.
‘I’m so sorry, Nicholas. Cressida isn’t feeling well. Can you explain to the chef? I think we’re done for tonight,’ I say, gently.
One glance at Cary and I can see his face is ashen. He thinks he handled it all wrong and this is exactly what I feared might happen.
‘Some coffee might be a good idea.’
Nicholas blinks in acknowledgement, concern etched on his face. I can’t believe how terse the conversation became between Cressida and Cary. Something is going on with her and that’s very clear, but tonight Cary also touched a raw nerve.
And we didn’t get to celebrate her new contract, the good news she wanted to share solely with us. She put so much thought into this evening, hoping it would be a bonding experience for us all. A wonderful memory to look back on.
What a nightmare this has turned into and I have no idea what will happen next.
*
Being woken by the buzzing as my phone skitters around on the bedside table is annoying, to say the least. I groan as I roll over, extending my arm so that my hand can locate it by feel alone, reluctant to open my eyes. Then I realise it isn’t the alarm going off but a text, and pull it close to me, squinting.
My grandma has gone.
I gasp. What?
What do you mean?
I couldn’t sleep so I went down to make a coffee. I bumped into Nicholas and he said she left well over an hour ago. Robert picked her up; apparently, she had two suitcases with her.
I look at the time and it’s not quite 7 a.m.
That’s crazy. Why didn’t she mention that, last night? Are you saying she’s run off with Robert?
I wait. Seconds tick by.
I don’t know.
I’ll quickly shower and get dressed. Meet you in the kitchen in twenty minutes.
By the time I make my way downstairs Cary has had enough time to get over the initial shock and he’s in the middle of sending Cressida a text.
‘Hi. I’m nearly done. I need to find out what’s going on because this is really out of character for her.’
I pour myself a coffee and join him at the table. He’s staring down at his phone.
‘She won’t respond, Cary. The fact that she left means she needs some time alone.’
‘Does it?’ he blurts out, sounding distraught. ‘Or does it mean she’s decided Robert is her future after all and I’ve unwittingly pushed her into that?’
I know he’s only thinking of Matthew, but I’m sure he’s reading this all wrong. Should I share the things Robert told me in confidence?
‘You think she’s at the farm?’
‘Let’s walk down and find out.’
He’s out of his seat and striding towards the hallway before I’m even on my feet and I hurry to catch up. Grabbing my coat, I struggle to pull it on as I follow him out through the front door. We leave Nicholas standing in the doorway of the sitting room wondering what on earth is going on.
‘You won’t get angry, will you, Cary? Cressida has to make up her own mind and there’s no point in trying to interfere. If she’s there, then you’ll know she won’t come to any harm and you are going to have to wait until she’s ready to return.’
‘But I made Granddad a promise that I’d persuade her to at least listen to him. If she is about to cut him out of her life for good, then it’s even more important she hears him out.’
He’s agitated and there’s nothing I can say to calm him down. I’m having to break into a trot beside him in order to keep up. It’s probably coming up to 7.30 a.m. now. While there is the occasional sound of a vehicle up on the top road, it seems to be just us and the birds enjoying the fresh air in this quiet little community. However, as we draw closer to the farm there is quite a bit of movement and Cary heads, purposefully, towards an open barn door. As he walks past Robert’s old Land Rover he glances inside. I do the same, but I can’t see any sign of suitcases.
Inside the barn a young man stands at a long workbench, pouring animal feed into metal buckets.
‘Is Robert here?’ Cary fires off the question without introduction.
‘He’s around somewhere, probably in the brick building next to the stables. There’s a problem with the gene
rator this morning. Do you want me to fetch him?’
Cary shakes his head, already turning to retrace his steps. ‘No. I’ll find him. Thanks.’
I catch up to him, my voice a half-whisper. ‘Cary, it’s not Robert’s fault. You will stay calm, won’t you?’
He seems to dismiss my words without a thought and doesn’t glance over his shoulder at me, even though I’m a whole stride behind him.
I hear a noise and up ahead I spot Robert, so I wave out. He immediately begins walking towards us.
Speeding up to overtake Cary, I intercept him. ‘Is Cressida here?’ I ask, but he shakes his head.
‘No. And I don’t know what’s going on.’ He looks concerned and I believe him.
Cary has caught up with us. ‘You picked her up. Where did you take her?’
‘To the station. When I woke up at five this morning I had a text from her. She’d sent it during the night, asking if I could pick her up at six o’clock, as she needed a lift. I assumed you had a problem with the car, or something.’
Cary looks bewildered. ‘She didn’t say where she was going, or what train she was catching?’
Robert’s frown deepens. ‘No. It fleetingly entered my head that something wasn’t quite right as she wasn’t her usual talkative self. She insisted I pull up outside the station and told me she was meeting up with someone who would help with her suitcases. Cressida was a little abrupt if I’m being honest and in no mood for silly questions. I assumed she was off on some writing jaunt or other. You look worried, Cary, and now you’re worrying me, too. Did something happen at the house last night?’
Cary shakes his head, raising his hand to lay it on Robert’s shoulder reassuringly.
‘Not really. You know what she’s like when she gets an idea in her head. Can I just ask you whether she said anything at all that might indicate what her intentions were?’
Robert’s head tips back as he pauses for thought. ‘No, damn it! Doesn’t she know how worrying this is, with no clues at all as to her whereabouts? She knew I wouldn’t question her, but she also knows I wouldn’t have given her a lift if I hadn’t been labouring under the impression it was a planned trip.’ His eyes search Cary’s face, clearly feeling he’s let him down.
‘Let’s hope a little time away will allow her to recharge those batteries. Hopefully, she’ll ring in a day or two, asking me to fetch her back. It’s my fault,’ Cary admits, seeing Robert’s very real concern. ‘I tried to convince her to meet up with Granddad. There’s so much that has been left unsaid and it’s bloody silly at their age. They need to sit down together and sort it all out once and for all.’
Robert sighs. ‘Good luck with that, Cary. They are two stubborn, strong personalities and that’s always been the problem. Cressida can be quite formidable at times and Matthew, well, he has a habit of digging in his heels and switching off. When you know what’s going on, can you let me know? Just that’s she’s alright, if you don’t mind.’
Cary squeezes Robert’s shoulder before removing his hand.
‘Of course. And thanks for being there for her this morning. I regret that the words we had last night meant she wanted to get away without further discussion and felt she had to call on you. It means I went too far.’
I watch as they exchange a telling glance and it just serves to demonstrate how loved Cressida is by those around her. That love has grown because of the kindnesses she’s shown to everyone who has touched her life in some way. It’s humbling.
*
When it’s time for me to leave there’s still no news and Cressida isn’t answering her mobile, or texts.
We head off to the station in silence, neither feeling able to make an effort to lighten the mood that has settled over us.
However, Cary suddenly decides to park the car and walk over to the station with me. At the entrance, though, he takes a diversion around the far side of the building to the taxi rank.
A couple of the drivers are standing in a group in front of one of the cars, chatting.
‘I don’t suppose any of you were around early this morning. Around six-thirty, maybe?’
There a little head-shaking going on but one guy nods. ‘I’ve been here since first thing.’
‘Do you recall seeing an older woman with two suitcases being dropped off outside the station?’
‘I do. It was a bit odd, actually.’
Cary glances at me briefly before looking back at the driver. ‘Why?’
‘Well, I was second in the queue. She waited until the Range Rover that she arrived in was out of sight and then jumped in the first taxi-cab. She wasn’t catching a train at all.’
‘Is the driver here, now?’
‘No. Pete only does a three-hour stint in the morning. He heads off around eight and doesn’t put in an appearance again until his evening shift.’
Cary thanks him and we walk back to the front entrance.
‘She doesn’t want to be found, Cary, so there’s nothing you can do about it. I wish I didn’t have to leave.’
Despite my firm intentions to step back, like it or not, we are wrapped up in each other’s lives to a degree and I feel that I owe Cressida something, even if Cary has brought this on himself.
When we hug goodbye I can feel the tension in his body and the seconds pass before eventually he pulls away. I steel myself, knowing that I must be strong and not waver. If he needed me he wouldn’t let me go.
‘Take care of yourself, Leesa. And thanks. I’ll be in touch as soon as I hear something.’
I nod, unable to speak. The thought of Cressida going off on her own is a real worry and I know Cary won’t rest until he finds her.
The next day Cary forwards on an email from Cressida.
My dear Cary,
It pained me to walk away like that, but it has all become a little overwhelming. I knew that if I had told you what I was about to do you would have tried to talk me out of it.
I’m staying in temporary accommodation until I have finished the book I’m working on. For that to happen I need to distance myself from you all for a few months. Contractual obligations aside, a team of people are relying upon me to deliver and yet I’m beginning to fear that my writing muse has deserted me forever.
It’s my happy place, you see. The little world into which I escape. And it’s coming up to yet another anniversary of the day I lost my beautiful daughter and your wonderful mother. This year, for some reason, it’s hitting me even harder. So, I know you will all forgive me for putting myself first on this one occasion. I’ll come back stronger for it and that’s what’s important.
I have no idea how long it will take. Today the page remains blank still, but the words are beginning to swirl around inside my head once more and I’m hoping that’s a good sign.
Please express my sincere apologies to Leesa; it was rude of me to leave without saying goodbye, but I know she will understand. As for you, my lovely, darling man – you are constantly in my heart and my thoughts until I’m in a position to return. Do, please, tell Laurence and Sally not to worry and I will return before the baby arrives. And, of course, I’ll check in by email from time to time.
Maybe it’s time for you to do some serious thinking, too. I believe and trust that your instincts will take you in the direction you are supposed to go, if you let them.
Until we meet again, my love always.
Grandma
I reply, feeling a little relieved, saying that at least she’s safe. There is nothing at all he can do about it, except give her the time she needs.
Cary informs me that he will be staying at the house and commuting daily, so he can keep an eye on things. He promises he’ll ring the moment she returns. Or, worryingly, when he has succeeded in finding her.
Oh, Cary. It’s time to sort yourself out and not worry about Cressida.
There’s nothing more I can do, so it’s head down and back to work. Even though my mind can’t switch off from a problem that isn’t even mine to influence.<
br />
29
The Final Straw
Later in the day I text Mum, asking how Beth is doing but rather ominously, she doesn’t instantly respond. About twenty minutes later Dad is knocking on my door.
‘Well, this is a nice surprise,’ I remark, as he literally stomps into the hallway. ‘Oh, what’s up?’
I follow him into the sitting room and he opens his mouth; like a dam bursting open, there’s a flood of words.
‘She’s driving us mad, Leesa. We’re walking around afraid to talk in our own house for fear of saying the wrong thing. Everything is an issue and nothing we do or say is right. The atmosphere is making us all feel depressed. I know it’s awful and a huge waste of money, but no one died. We can’t send her packing and Mum and I were wondering if, well, if you still intend to take some time off even though the wedding has been cancelled?’
Oh no.
‘I hadn’t made up my mind, Dad. I have a full day’s work planned for today, anyway, as I’m not officially on holiday until tomorrow. But something else has come up, so while I haven’t cancelled my time off, I might end up getting pulled into that.’
He looks totally crestfallen. ‘Oh. I understand. Don’t worry, we’ll get through this somehow.’
Guilt descends over me, reminding me that I’m putting Cary and his family first and that’s wrong; Beth is my sister and maybe what she needs now isn’t the company of fretting, anxious parents.
‘What did you have in mind? Beth is welcome to come here, of course.’
A little smile starts to creep over Dad’s face.
‘I’ve pulled the old camper van out of storage and dusted him off. He’s fuelled up and the fridge is fully stocked.’
‘You would let me drive your beloved Victor the Volkswagen? I’ve waited since the day I passed my driving test to get behind the wheel. Dad, I’m ashamed of you – this is blatant bribery and the answer is yes.’
*
‘Beth, can you check the satnav again? I think we’ve taken a wrong turn. Why is it that campsites are always in the most obscure of places?’ I mutter, exasperated.