by Bree Wolf
Nathan almost chuckled at her rather pointed reference to his mistress. He knew his sister wanted nothing more than to see him settled with a family of his own. She wanted to see him happy, and he couldn’t be angry at her for that. Still, she needed to understand that he would never be one of them.
His gaze moved over the happy couples, husbands and wives, gazing at one another in a way that turned his stomach. Softly whispered words flew from their lips as a husband would gently tuck a loose tendril behind his wife’s ear. The wife would smile at him then, and her hand would brush his in a sickeningly touching way.
No, he would never be one of them. Nathan cringed away from the sight as it only served to strengthen his belief that he had chosen the right path for himself. Indeed, he was not a family man. He was not one to fall in love. He was not one to live happily-ever-after.
The sooner Olivia came to accept that, the sooner he would be free to conduct himself as he pleased, spared from gatherings such as these. However, that day was not today, and so Nathan soon found himself seated on a blanket, the sun’s blinding light piercing his eyes while his little niece clambered onto his lap.
“Would you like a pastry?” Josephine asked trilling like a little bird as she rummaged through the picnic basket.
Nathan declined and heaved a deep sigh, wishing he could simply leave. One look at his sister, however, told him that that was out of the question. So instead, in order to avoid her pointed stare, Nathan allowed his gaze to sweep over the assembled guests.
Up on the terrace, he spied their hosts, Lord and Lady Elmridge, with their little son. The boy was a smaller version of his tall, dark father as he showed no marked resemblance to his fair-haired mother. For the longest time, society had been certain that the woman would end up a spinster as a fire had tainted her beauty with ugly scars. Everyone had been surprised when Lord Elmridge had married her, and although their union had been rumoured to have been arranged by his mother, the way he looked at his wife today spoke of something far deeper.
Nathan averted his gaze when a slight stab of envy pierced his useless heart. Where were all the arranged marriages that were so common amongst their kind? For it seemed everywhere he looked, he saw husbands and wives gazing at one another with utter love in their eyes.
It was sickening!
“Why don’t you mingle?” Olivia suggested when Josephine dashed off, eager to play with the other children.
Nathan leaned back on his elbows. “Why?” His gaze moved to meet hers. “Are there any unmarried ladies here you wish for me to meet? If so, I have yet to see them.”
His sister exhaled a rather exasperated sigh. “This is a family event−”
“So I’d heard.”
“−and all I’d hoped was for you to…to enjoy yourself.”
Nathan chuckled, determined to burst his sister’s bubble. The sooner, the better−for the both of them. “Let’s be frank,” he said, sitting up. “You were hoping I’d see how happy everyone is and realise that it is exactly this familial bliss that’s been missing from my life. Am I not correct?”
Olivia sighed. “Is that so bad?”
Reaching for her hand, Nathan looked into her eyes. “It’s not bad, but unrealistic. I am who I am,” his gaze swept the lawns, “and I’m not meant to be one of them.” His head stilled when his eyes fell on a familiar lady.
“But−”
“There,” he said, nodding in the dark-haired woman’s direction as she sat on a picnic blanket with her husband and a little girl he presumed to be the couple’s daughter. “Do you see Lady Ainsworth?”
Olivia’s gaze narrowed before she nodded, suspicion darkening her pale eyes.
Nathan sighed, hating to be frank when all she wanted was to help. “I pursued her even after she was married,” he told his sister, remembering the night Baron Ainsworth had compromised his future wife.
Even though the baron had looked at the raven-haired beauty with longing even then, Nathan could not help but think that the events of that night had taken him by surprise as well. Ainsworth had never meant to compromise her. He had only meant to keep her safe from Nathan. Admittedly, Nathan had not had honourable intentions as the lady had assumed; however, he had been quite put out when the baron had stolen his conquest. As had she; at least at first when she’d all but offered to be his mistress.
“She offered herself to me and I accepted,” he told Olivia openly. “Then, however, she changed her mind.” It would seem another accidental union had turned into a love match.
His sister’s lips thinned. “Why do you act like this, Nathan? Does this truly make you happy?”
Nathan swallowed. “It’s the life I’ve chosen, and I need you to accept that. I have, and I will not change. Never.”
All his sister’s hopes seemed to come crashing down in that moment when she closed her eyes in defeat, a long sigh leaving her lips. While Nathan had never shirked the responsibilities that came with the title his father had passed on to him, he could not follow in the man’s footsteps when it came to marriage and family.
Once, Nathan had thought it possible, but then all had been lost.
“Uncle Nathan! Uncle Nathan!”
Squeezing his sister’s hand, Nathan turned to see Josephine skip toward him, a large smile on her face, before she dropped down onto their blanket. “That boy over there has the same spot behind his ear as you do.” Her little hand rose and pointed across the lawn to where Lord and Lady Ainsworth sat with their daughter.
Nathan felt his heart skip a beat, and it had to have shown on his face for his sister’s gaze widened ever so slightly as her jaw dropped open a tiny fraction in suspicion. “What boy?” he all but croaked, unable not to look.
“There,” Josephine exclaimed, her little forefinger stretched to the fullest, pointing past the baron’s family and at the family behind them.
Nathan’s gaze drifted from a slender, pale-haired man to a familiar young woman with dark curls before it moved over the four children seated in their midst, all munching happily on the treasures they’d found in their picnic basket. The eldest boy−nine years of age if Nathan was not mistaken−momentarily looked back at him with the same blue eyes he called his own.
“Him,” Josephine stressed as she tugged on his necktie. “He has the same spot behind his ear. He showed me himself.” Pride rang in her voice at her discovery before she once more darted off.
Nathan felt his insides tremble at the sight of the boy sitting so close, and yet, so far away. Never before had he laid eyes on the boy; still he knew it was him.
Collin was his name.
“Who is he?” Olivia asked carefully, but the tone in her voice betrayed her suspicions.
Meeting his sister’s gaze, Nathan nodded. “I never meant for you to find out.”
“He’s yours?” Olivia whispered as she scooted closer, her eyes wide and full of emotions as she kept looking back and forth between her brother and the boy seated not far from them.
Nathan gritted his teeth. “In a way,” he replied although he’d never thought of the child as his.
His sister’s jaw dropped open and she stared at him. Shock, incredulity and, yes, disappointment looked back at him as the discovery slowly sank in.
Nathan knew that she would not say another word, not here out in the open where anyone could overhear. Still, the way Olivia clamped her lips shut and all but glared at him, that motherly look in her gaze, told him all he needed to know.
The last word on this matter had yet to be spoken.
And it was, later that same day.
The sun had already set when the door to Nathan’s study flew open and his sister barged in, followed by his flustered butler who clearly disliked being overrun by a raging female. Not impressed in the least, Olivia closed the door in the man’s face, her eyes trained on her brother, her nostrils flaring as she glared at him. “Tell me what happened.”
Having expected this confrontation, Nathan had thought long and well
about what to tell her and had resolved that only the truth would do; the truth in all its shocking glory.
Perhaps then Olivia would finally accept the man he was.
“His mother was a maid in my household,” Nathan told her without preamble as he rounded his desk and came to stand in front of her.
“A maid?” Olivia gasped, a frown descending upon her face. He could see that disapproval warred with curiosity. “Then what was he doing at the Elmridge’s picnic?” Apparently, curiosity won.
“She’s Lord Ainsworth’s sister,” Nathan continued, suspecting that it had been this connection that had made the baron seek to protect his wife from Nathan before she’d even been his to protect. Indeed, the baron had known of Nathan’s conduct and done all in his power to prevent something of the kind from happening to Lady Madeline as well. How noble!
Olivia frowned. “Then why would she be working as a maid? You’re not making any sense!” Exasperation clung to her features as she stepped toward him, a challenge in her gaze.
“It was before her brother received the barony,” Nathan explained. “They’re of humble origin. I believe their father was a farmer.” He dimly recalled Kara, Ainsworth’s sister, telling him as much during their short liaison. Indeed, as far as he recalled, the girl had fancied herself in love and had all but expected him to marry her. What a ludicrous thought!
Olivia inhaled a fortifying breath. “Am I to understand that you had a…a dalliance with a maid, who then revealed to you that she was with child and…?” Her brows rose, daring him to finish the thought.
“I sent her away,” Nathan stated without hesitation, holding his sister’s damning gaze without flinching. “I suppose she expected something else; however, back then, she’d been merely a maid and I couldn’t have married her even should I have wished to.” Which, of course, he hadn’t.
“You sent her away?” Olivia asked a little breathless, and he could see a mother’s tears gleaming in her eyes. “But…but he’s your child, your son. How could you−?”
“He’s a bastard,” Nathan cut out, determined to finish this tonight once and for all, “or he would have been if Ainsworth’s friend, Lord Elton, had not found a man willing to marry her. You see, it all turned out all right. The boy and his mother are taken care of and I am free to live my life as I please.” He crossed his arms over his chest, his gaze holding his sister’s…but only with difficulty.
Olivia swallowed. “I never thought you could be this heartless,” she whispered, no longer a chiding mother, but rather a disappointed sister. “I know she broke your heart−” Nathan moved to object, but his sister stopped him. “Not the boy’s mother,” she pointed out, her gaze soft, and yet, full of reproach. “I was referring to Lady Margaret.”
The name cut through him like a knife, and Nathan could barely keep himself from stumbling backward at the shock of hearing it.
After all these years, it still gutted him to think of her.
Olivia’s hand settled on his arm, now all but hanging limply from his shoulder. “I know she broke your heart,” she told him once again as though he could ever forget it, “but that doesn’t give you the right to treat others as though they’re worthless.” Her eyes filled with tears. “You could’ve had a son, a precious little boy, and you threw that chance away without a second thought.” She shook her head at him. “I keep asking myself if you truly are an utter fool or the heartless monster you want me to see?” She took a step back, and her hand fell from his arm. “Whichever it is, I hope you’re happy, but I doubt it very much.” Then she turned on her heel and left.
For long moments, Nathan stared at the closed door as his heart beat painfully in his chest, proving to his great shame that he possessed one after all. Had he not done all he could to rid himself of that cursed thing? Had he not fought each and every day to forget? Why was it that Fate would not allow him to move past it? To remember perhaps, but not to feel?
And yet, he did.
He felt it all, down to the smallest, little crack in his heart. Would it never cease?
Chapter Three
Family Reunion
London, Early Summer 1812
Seated in the first carriage with Claudia and her friend’s youngest son, Maggie stared out the window as London slowly came into view. Ten years had passed since she’d last been here and, in an odd way, it felt as though she was setting eyes on something utterly foreign.
Gone were the rolling hills of Scotland, the invigorating air as it drifted in from the sea, the quiet serenity of living among people she knew and cared for. In their stead, Maggie found tall buildings, chimney stacks darkening the sky, the air oddly grey as though a dark cloud hung over the city. Noises assaulted her ears as the wheels rolled over the cobblestones, bringing her ever closer to a life she’d thought she’d left behind for good.
“You look as though you’re about to meet the hangman,” Claudia commented with a teasing chuckle, no doubt hoping to lighten Maggie’s mood.
At her friend’s efforts, Maggie tried her best to smile. “I canna help but feel I shouldna have come.” Her head moved from side to side as though her body rebelled against the mere thought of being here. “‘Tis no longer my place.”
“Well, you’ve not come to stay,” Claudia reminded her as she shifted her sleeping son in her arms. “You’re here to reclaim your life,” her blue eyes sought Maggie’s, “your heart and your freedom.”
“Aye,” Maggie whispered, hoping against hope that it would be thus; however, she could not help but doubt her own strength. What would it do to her to see Nathan again after all these years? To see him happy with another?
The thought alone was like a knife being plunged into her heart and she felt tears prick the backs of her eyes. “I hope Garrett is all right,” she hastened to say, blinking her eyes frantically to chase away the tears. “Travelling this far with three children will no doubt have robbed him of his sanity.” After much discussion, Claudia had decided that her husband would travel with their eldest son Aiden as well as Maggie’s children, Niall and Blair, in the second carriage, affording the women time to talk to one another while Alex had taken to sleeping most of their journey. A third followed with all their trunks and bags.
Claudia laughed. “Oh, don’t worry. He’ll be fine.” She gazed down lovingly at her sleeping son. “He’s a wonderful father. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”
Maggie swallowed, reminded that her own children would never again see their father; however ill-matched she and Ian had been, he too had been a wonderful father and he had loved them dearly. Would that loss haunt them for the rest of their lives?
Before Maggie could get lost in these gloomy thoughts, the carriages finally pulled to a halt outside a large townhouse. It belonged to Claudia’s brother, Viscount Ashwood, and was their first stop of the journey before Maggie and her children would continue on to her brother’s home.
“Would you hold him?” Claudia asked, her eyes fixed out the window as she moved to exit the carriage, an air of eagerness lingering about her.
The moment Maggie settled Alex in her arms, the front door of the townhouse flew open and out poured a young family. Claudia’s brother, Richard, looked rather stiff with a severe expression upon his face. Still, the look in his eyes spoke of the same longing now so clearly written upon Claudia’s face as she all but jumped out of the carriage and rushed up the steps.
Brother and sister met each other halfway, and Claudia flung herself into her big brother’s arms. “I’ve missed you so,” she exclaimed on a laugh, her arms holding him as tightly as his held her.
Maggie smiled at the emotional scene, before her eyes drifted to the viscount’s wife as she slowly moved down the steps, a little girl in her arms, who pointed eagerly at her father and aunt, unable to release each other. “Papa!” she exclaimed, trying to draw their attention. “Papa, I want to hug, too!”
Stepping from the carriage, Maggie gestured for Niall and Blair to remain behi
nd with her as Garrett took wee Alex from her arms and then followed his wife with Aiden by his side. The little boy peeked nervously at the tall man hugging his mother before his gaze drifted to the little girl squirming in his aunt’s arms.
It was a beautiful scene, and Maggie wrapped an arm around each of her children. “Ye two will have cousins to meet as well,” she whispered to them, their eyes wide as they watched. “Ye may not know them yet, but I’m certain it willna take long and all of ye will roam the house looking for adventures.”
Niall nodded rather distractedly while Blair smiled up at her. “I know. I’ve seen it in my dreams.”
Maggie chuckled, knowing that sometimes her young daughter saw things in her dreams that would come to pass. It was a gift of the Old Ones whispered about in the Highlands. The wife of the MacDrummond laird possessed the same gift and, although what she saw in her dreams was rarely clear, she tried her best to help Fate find its course. Over the past two years, Blair’s gift had become more pronounced, more noticeable and Maggie was relieved that her daughter had another gifted one to guide her. Still, more often than not, Blair’s dreams were just that, dreams; nothing more and nothing less.
After greeting Claudia’s family, Maggie and her children returned to the carriage that would take them onward and to her brother’s townhouse where they would stay during their visit. Ten years had passed since Maggie had seen Robert, and yet, it wasn’t until the carriage pulled to a halt in front of his home that she wondered why.
While she had avoided London out of fear of crossing paths with Nathan, she could not help but wonder why her brother had never come to see her in Scotland. Of course, life kept him busy as the new Earl of Tynham after their father’s passing. Still, why had he never come to see her? Once, they had been close, but Maggie doubted that he would welcome her with the same longing in his eyes as she had seen in the eyes of Claudia’s brother. It would seem her decision to remain in Scotland and marry Ian had affected her relationship to her brother as well. Was her life filled with nothing but regret?