by Bree Wolf
“No!” Maggie exclaimed, moving to stop her friend before she’d reached the door.
Claudia turned back to face her. “Why not? He’s married, is he not? He has no business kissing you.”
Maggie nodded, knowing that Claudia was right. Of course, she was right and, yet…
“I need to leave,” she whispered, too overwhelmed to grasp a clear thought. “Please, I need to get out of here.”
For a moment, Claudia held her gaze, indecision and a hint of vindictiveness in her narrowed gaze. Then, however, she nodded, and her features became gentle once again. “Of course. I’ll have Garrett call for the carriage.” She squeezed Maggie’s hands reassuringly. “Wait here.”
Maggie nodded and watched her friend slip from the room.
Nathan had kissed her, yes; however, what she’d failed to tell Claudia was that she’d kissed him back, hadn’t she?
Closing her eyes, Maggie remembered only too well her surrender to the feel of his hands on her, his lips, his body all but wrapped around hers. She’d felt like a young girl again, like that day by the lake when he’d suddenly pulled her into his arms and kissed her for the very first time. Her heart had rejoiced, dancing in her chest as it never had before, and she’d had hope.
Hope for a future she’d always wanted.
Always dreamed of.
That hope still pulsed in her chest, and yet, her mind knew it to be false, nothing but a lie, a falsehood. She’d believed it once, and it had destroyed her.
Again, panic washed through her being, and Maggie gritted her teeth against the overwhelming desire to sink to the ground and weep. No, she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. She’d keep her nerves in check for as long as she needed until she’d be back in her chamber.
Alone.
Far from prying eyes.
Then she would break down.
But not before.
Everything passed in a blur, her heart and mind clinging to the moment in the pavilion while not daring to dwell on it for fear it would open the flood gates and rob her of her last bit of strength. Maggie did not know how she managed to evade her friend’s prying questions on the carriage ride home, how she dissuaded Claudia from staying with her, how she kept her senses until the door to her bedchamber finally closed behind her.
But she did.
And then slowly she unfurled her hands, loosening the tight grip on her emotions, knowing she’d never find sleep until she’d released the pressure that had built in her chest. Like a tidal wave, emotions washed over her, bringing her to her knees and tearing loud sobs from her throat.
Again, Maggie buried her face in her blanket, muffling the sorrow that spilled forth. Still, the breakdown proved soothing, healing somehow, for when her body finally stilled, her heart and mind felt clearer.
He’d kissed her, and she’d kissed him back.
And it had felt wonderful.
But he was married, and he’d broken her heart before.
He would do so again. He had to.
There was no future for them.
It was a simple truth that finally found its way into Maggie’s heart, and she felt her lids grow heavy with the need for rest. Slipping out of her dress, she lay down on the bed and pulled the blanket over herself, comforted by the softness of her pillow against her cheek. “I want to go home,” Maggie whispered as sleep tugged her down deeper. “Home to Scotland.”
After all, there was nothing left for her in England.
That much she knew now.
Chapter Thirteen
The Meaning of a Smile
Despite the emotional upheaval of the previous day, Nathan slept like a log that night.
Countless times, he’d relived the moment he’d pulled Margaret into his arms and kissed her. He’d felt her warm skin against his own, her soft touch and the sigh of her body as she’d melted into him. He could have kissed her forever.
He could have remained in that pavilion for the rest of his life and would never have had a moment of regret.
When the sun finally woke him, Nathan noticed something rather unusual. Something that had been absent these past ten years. Something that felt utterly strange for it was unfamiliar, almost foreign.
A smile.
There was a smile on his face.
He was smiling.
Truly smiling.
Tears shot to Nathan’s eyes at the overwhelming sensation and, for the first time in years, he realised how lonely he’d been. How alone and sad. How isolated he’d felt. How unwanted and unloved.
Closing his eyes, he heaved a deep sigh, reminding himself that he could not know how Margaret felt about what had happened last night. Her husband was dead; yes, but that did not necessarily mean she wanted him now. She had not wanted him ten years ago. She’d chosen another over him. Was she heartbroken over her husband’s loss?
Nathan could not say she’d seemed particularly aggrieved. In fact, she’d been quite passionate when he’d kissed her. Shocked, certainly, but who knew why? Perhaps if he spoke to her, they could find their way back to one another.
Are you certain you want her? A voice deep down whispered. Is that wise?
Nathan groaned. Was he insane for entertaining hopes?
Indeed, the fast and unexpected turn of events had him reeling. Only the day before, he’d been certain of his future. He’d known it wasn’t a bright one, a happy one, but he’d made his peace with it−as much as had been possible. And now, only twelve hours later, everything was different.
Everything felt different.
Nathan sighed. Yes, it was far from wise to chase after a woman who’d broken his heart before. A woman who’d made it abundantly clear that she’d loved another more than him.
Still, Nathan had spent the past decade harbouring disappointment and anger and it had brought him nothing but misery. Was it not a greater risk to nurture his bruised pride and let her slip through his fingers again? Would he not come to regret it for the rest of his life? If not today, then tomorrow or the day after?
Yes, Margaret had betrayed him, but if she could love him now, would he not be a fool not to forgive and forget? Would he not be a fool to ignore this chance for happiness? After all, Nathan could not remember the last time he’d felt this alive.
This was a chance.
Undoubtedly his last.
And he would take it.
No matter the cost.
As insane as the hope growing in his heart was, it was there nonetheless, and Nathan could not bring himself to ignore it. For the first time in a decade, he felt as though his life was in his hands. There was a choice to be made. There were steps to be taken. There was a different path laid out in front of him.
Insane or not, he would walk it.
After all, he’d already tried the other path, and he knew where it led.
Dressed and with a bit of food in his belly, Nathan spent a good hour pacing in front of the windows of the downstairs drawing room, reminding himself that it was much too early to be calling on anyone. At least, if it wasn’t an emergency and, although to him the events that had transpired were indeed life-altering, the need to speak to another generally did not constitute an emergency in the strictest sense.
Oddly enough, it was not long after that he heard a soft voice drifting to his ears, humming a soft melody, and it sounded as though it was coming from the front hall. Pausing in his steps, Nathan frowned, then took a step toward the closed doors, curious to find out who had come.
A part of him hoped that it might be Margaret; his rational mind, however, argued that that wasn’t possible. Still, it proved how the mere thought of her sped up his pulse and brought utter longing to his heart. Indeed, he loved her still.
“Good morning, Uncle Nathan,” little Josephine exclaimed as she burst through the door, her little feet carrying her around in little circles as she hummed a soft melody under her breath. “Mother went upstairs to drag you out of bed.” Covering her mouth with her hands, she giggled. “She’s quite
angry with you.” Her little head cocked sideways. “What did you do?”
Nathan shrugged, returning her grin. “I haven’t the faintest idea,” he told her and then stepped forward, pausing in the doorway, and looked out. “Olivia, are you here?”
Skirts rustled near the entrance hall, and then he heard her feet on the staircase, returning back down. A moment later, she came into view, a rather confused and somewhat alarmed expression on her face as she hastened toward him. Her maid remained behind in the hall. “Nathan, are you well?” Her gaze swept over him as though looking for injuries.
Nathan frowned. “I’m perfectly fine.” Offering her a seat, he closed the door. “Why?”
Ignoring him, Olivia began to pace, her gaze darting to her daughter, who was once again twirling like a little fairy in the corner of the room, before it returned to him. “Are you all right?”
“I believe I’ve already confirmed that. Why do you ask?”
“You’re not in bed.”
“That is true,” Nathan stated, confused by his sister’s odd line of thought. “Neither are you.”
Throwing up her hands, Olivia glared at him. “Don’t take that tone with me! You know very well that it is odd for you to be up and about at this hour.” Her gaze narrowed. “What happened?”
For a moment, Nathan simply stared at her, unable to put into words how his life had changed overnight. Then he cleared his throat and decided to keep his intentions, his hopes to himself. At least until he knew how they were received. “Nothing happened,” he told her, rejoicing in the smile he had to fight to suppress. “Josephine said you were angry with me.” With a sideways glance at his niece, he stepped toward his sister. “Are you?”
“No.” Still, her arms crossed over her chest.
Nathan’s brows rose.
Rolling her eyes, Olivia huffed out an annoyed breath. “I’ve done my best to be patient,” she stated, the look in her eyes demanding he acknowledge her effort. “I’ve left you alone for weeks. I’ve given you time to think. I’ve…” She sighed, and her features softened. “I cannot forget that little face.”
Nathan stilled, and the air around him suddenly felt chilled.
“Can you?” Olivia asked gently, her gaze darting to her daughter, ensuring that the girl was otherwise occupied and not listening. Then she stepped toward him, that look in her eyes that always made Nathan squirm for it told him clear as day that she thought he was making a mistake. “Can you truly tell me that his little face does not haunt you at night? Do you not see it whenever you close your eyes? For I do, and he’s my nephew. Not my son.”
Nathan swallowed, knowing that he didn’t need to close his eyes to see his son’s face. Not since the day of the Elmridge picnic when he’d seen him for the first time. Yes, losing Collin was Nathan’s other great regret, and yet, he knew that his decision to stay away was not wrong.
“No matter what I wish,” he told his sister, his voice barely more than a whisper, “I have no right to interfere in his life. I decided before he was born and, now, I need to live with it. He is well and he is loved, and I have no right to take that away from him.”
Olivia stilled, and her eyes misted with tears as she looked at him. “I never knew you thought of him in such a way,” she admitted, reaching out a motherly hand to cup his cheek. “I thought you were simply shirking your responsibilities. I was afraid you did not know how to love even your own child. You never seem to…” Her voice trailed off, and her gaze roamed his face as though seeking to unearth the answer to the questions that had been plaguing her for years. “Do you ever intend to marry? Do you even hope for love?”
At his sister’s outright questions, Nathan flinched. Not in shock or horror, but…because his heart had instantly skipped a beat at the mere thought of it. At the thought of Margaret. His Margaret. His little daisy. Returned to him at last. But would she stay? Or would she leave his life as swiftly as she’d re-entered it?
Once, Nathan had been certain that marriage and family would soon be a part of his future. He had been young then, too young to marry in the opinion of many, but Nathan had not cared for the opinion of others. He’d been certain.
And then life had taken a turn he hadn’t seen coming. But had it not done so again last night? Only this time the turn it had taken had not robbed him of something he held dear. No, indeed, it promised to return something to him he’d thought forever lost.
“What is that little smile on your face?” Olivia asked, an intrigued look coming to her eyes as the corners of her mouth tugged upward. “I must say you look almost…smitten.” Her brows drew down and she shook her head as though she didn’t dare believe. “Is it possible that there is a beating heart inside your chest after all?” A teasing note, tinged with hope desperately held in check, softened her voice, and her watchful eyes continued to linger as her hands reached for his. “What happened?”
Nathan swallowed. “Nothing.” His tone was brusque, and he turned away, freeing himself from the persistent look in her eyes, and retreated to the window, a safe distance away. He could not deny that he feared what would happen next, how Margaret would receive his intentions. Would she reject him yet again? “Nothing happened.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Listening to her approaching footsteps, Nathan kept his gaze fixed out the window until his sister appeared beside him. Even with his gaze directed elsewhere, he could feel her searching eyes as they swept over him. No doubt, she saw with one glance the absence of the dark cloud that had been his constant companion for the past decade. For despite the fear of renewed rejection that began to take root in his heart, Nathan could not deny that today was a beautiful day. He felt light and unburdened, hopeful and daring. Was he still smiling? Nathan wondered, unable to tell. All he knew was that his heart still beat with that same vigour and enthusiasm as it had long ago.
“Something is different,” his sister observed as she moved to gain a better look at him. Her arms crossed and her brows drew down in thought as though squinting would help her figure out what he refused to say. “You’re out of bed before noon.” Her gaze moved from his face down to the tips of his shoes. “You’re dressed as though you intend to call on someone.” She put her right index finger to her lips. “And there’s…there’s something in your eyes that…” Shaking her head, she reached out to touch his shoulder, urging him to face her. “Tell me.”
Nathan sighed. “There’s nothing I can tell you.”
“But there is something to tell, isn’t there?” Olivia deduced, and the corners of her mouth twitched with excitement. “What is it?” Again, her gaze narrowed. “You turned away from me the second I brought up marriage. That in itself is nothing unusual,” she continued to think out loud, “however, what is missing is the generally accompanying annoyance.” Her eyes rose to meet his. “Usually, you’re annoyed with me for bringing up marriage. Usually, you roll your eyes at me.” Her grin widened. “You’re not right now.”
Nathan drew in a deep breath, willing the corners of his mouth to remain where they were. As much as a part of him wanted to share what had happened with his sister−not only for her sake, but also strangely for his own−Nathan didn’t dare. After all, he’d been wrong before. He’d hoped, and it had destroyed him. He would not allow that to happen to Olivia as well for he knew how much she felt with those she loved. “Believe what you will,” he tried to deter her, “but I assure you that there is nothing to tell. I’m merely in a good mood and have decided not to let you ruin it.” He cast her a teasing grin.
Olivia sighed exasperatedly. “Don’t try to fool me! It didn’t work when you were a little boy, and it isn’t working now, either.” Again, her eyes narrowed and, for a long moment, she simply stared at him. “Who is she?”
The question came like a shot fired out of a pistol.
Nathan flinched.
“Aha!” Olivia exclaimed with a raised index finger. “I knew it! Who is she?”
“Who is who, Mamma?�
� little Josephine piped up beside them.
Brother and sister whipped around and stared at the young girl who looked at them with wide, eager eyes. “Who is who?” Josephine repeated, looking from her mother to her uncle.
While Olivia’s lips clamped shut, Nathan turned to his niece. “No one, darling girl. Your mother is imagining things.”
Josephine frowned. “Like in a story?”
Nathan chuckled and cast his sister a sideways glance. “Exactly like that.”
“Can I hear it?” Josephine asked eagerly, her little hands clapping together.
Nathan sighed. “I promise I shall tell it the moment I know its ending. Deal?”
“Deal!” His little niece nodded, her big, round eyes glowing with excitement. Then the soft melody she’d been humming all morning drifted from her lips yet again. Her eyes closed, and she began to twirl around the room as though her mind had disappeared to a different world.
Nathan sighed as he watched her, marvelling at the power of mind children possessed. The way they lived in a world of their own creation. The way they managed to shut their eyes and ignore that which did not bring them happiness. He wished he could still do it. He’d spent ten years wishing he’d never forgotten how.
But today was different.
Today, he wished for something else.
“Well?” Olivia prompted, jarring Nathan from his thoughts.
“Well?” he imitated her, feigning ignorance.
As expected, his sister’s eyes narrowed. “Very well,” she snapped, throwing up her hands, “if you insist on being secretive.” She took a step toward him, her eyes fixed on his as she once more lifted a finger in warning. “But I sincerely hope that whoever the woman is who’s persuaded you to contemplate marriage−not that I’m complaining, mind you!−she is not one of those empty-headed widows you fool around with. Believe me, you need a down-to-earth woman who can slap you upside the head if you’re being a fool, which as you must admit is not an altogether rare occasion.”
Nathan couldn’t help but chuckle, knowing that Margaret was exactly the kind of woman his sister would approve of. She’d never taken any of his nonsense. She’d never backed down once she’d set her mind on something. She’d always been honest with him.