by Bree Wolf
Robert swallowed, and all colour drained from his face.
“You knew, didn’t you?” Nathan cut out through gritted teeth as he moved backwards, needing more space between himself and his old friend. Some friend, Robert had been. It would seem Nathan had been a greater fool than he’d initially thought for he had never for a second suspected that Robert was keeping a secret from him. Never−not even after they’d stopped speaking−would Nathan have believed that his childhood friend would deceive him in such a way.
In any way.
Never!
Dark laughter rumbled in his throat, and Nathan shook his head at his own foolishness. “I’ve been such an idiot! I didn’t see it. Not for a second would I have thought…” He stared at his friend−former friend! “You looked me in the eye and told me she was married!”
Running his hands over his face, Robert sighed. All anger had left him, and he seated himself in the armchair opposite the one Nathan had formerly occupied. “I didn’t lie to you about that.”
Closing his eyes, Nathan willed himself to remain calm. “Did you do this?” he asked, needing to know all that had happened.
Robert sighed. “I did not,” he said after a long stretch of silence. Reluctance weighed heavily on his voice, and Nathan realised that even today his old friend was torn. “When she married him, I believed as she did that you had chosen another and gotten married.” He looked up and met Nathan’s gaze, a silent plea to believe him in his eyes. “I was furious with you for breaking her heart and tossing her aside so callously. I was tempted to ride back to London and call you out.”
Nathan scoffed. “If only you had.”
“If only I had,” Robert echoed.
“Your mother?”
Sighing, Robert nodded. “I don’t think she meant to…do what she did. I think being back in Scotland, being home, she simply didn’t want to leave again. She wanted a reason to return. And so she lied, and I do believe that she regretted it soon after.” His gaze became distant as he remembered those days that had changed everything. “She grew taciturn and sad. I thought she was simply affected to see Maggie so heartbroken. But later…” He met Nathan’s gaze, then shrugged.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Nathan demanded as his feet began to carry him up and down the room. All exhaustion fell from him, and renewed strength pulsed in his veins. “Why did you never say a word?”
“What good would it have done?” Robert rose to his feet, his hands lifted in question. “She was married. No matter what I would’ve said, nothing could have changed that.”
Stopping in his tracks, Nathan scoffed. “Knowing the truth would have made a difference to me. I thought−” He gritted his teeth, unaccustomed to sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with another. He hadn’t done so since Maggie had been lost to him.
“And if you had known,” Robert demanded, an accusing gleam in his eyes, “what would you have done? I know you. You would have sought her out!”
“Why ever not?” Nathan yelled. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t have sought her out?”
Robert sighed, a rather indulgent look coming to his eyes. “Because by then she had been married. There was nothing you could’ve done. Nothing save ruin you both.” He threw up his arms. “I wanted her to have a chance, a chance at happiness, a chance to…”
Nathan’s teeth ground together. “A chance to love him,” he spat, unable to keep at bay the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him at the thought of Maggie with her husband. “You wanted her to love him.”
Holding Nathan’s gaze, Robert nodded. “I did,” he confirmed, “but she never could.”
Nathan almost collapsed to the ground in that moment, unaware how desperately he’d wanted to know if another had ever claimed Maggie’s heart. The air rushed from his lungs, and his eyes closed as his body all but wept with joy.
“She never forgot you,” Robert said gently as he placed a hand on Nathan’s shoulder. “She tried, but she never could. She told me so herself.”
Staring at his old friend, Nathan could feel tears prick the back of his eyes and, before he knew it, he flung himself into Robert’s arms, holding on as though for dear life. How long had it been since he’d embraced another? How long since he’d sought comfort in such a simple gesture? Nathan didn’t know.
It had been too long.
For a moment, Robert seemed overwhelmed by his old friend’s embrace; but then his arms moved forward and closed about Nathan, offering comfort and reminding them both of the friendship they’d once had.
Aside from Maggie, Robert had been the one whom Nathan had trusted, loved like a brother and longed to see, to confide in, to speak to. But when Maggie had married a Scot, all that had been lost as well. From that moment forward, something had stood between them and, now, Nathan finally knew what that was.
“I missed you,” he whispered, attempting to blink back the tears that shot to his eyes. It was as though a knot had come undone; emotions rushed into every fibre of his being, reminding him that once he’d felt them all. Although they had crippled him once, experiencing them−even those most painful−could be utterly freeing. Nathan felt as though for the past ten years he’d walked around with his teeth clenched, desperately trying not to feel for fear of being hurt again. Now, that he’d finally unclenched his jaw, he did feel pain…but he also felt relief.
Relief to have Maggie back in his life.
Relief to know that Robert had not turned from him out of disregard.
Relief to know that he had been loved…even if he had not been aware of it.
Robert clapped him on the back before he stood back and met Nathan’s gaze, his own misted with tears as well. “I missed you as well, Brother, and I’m sorry for all that happened. I did what I did because I hoped it would help you both move on. I hoped you’d both find happiness with another.” Sighing, he shook his head. “I suppose I fooled myself. I held onto this thought because I could see no other option.”
Nathan nodded, knowing perfectly well that Robert’s words were true. “I understand your motivation,” he conceded, wiping a tear from his cheek. “I do. Truly. You found yourself in an impossible situation. I simply…I simply wish I’d known. All these years, I thought I’d been mistaken about her, about us.” He drew in a slow breath. “It would’ve helped to know.”
Robert ran a hand through his hair, his gaze momentarily dropping to the floor. “I’m sorry. If I’d known…” Meeting Nathan’s gaze, he shrugged.
Nathan swallowed, equally afraid and not afraid to ask the questions that had been plaguing him since Maggie had come back into his life. “She said that her husband was dead.” Robert nodded. “Two years ago.” Robert nodded again. “Why…why didn’t you say anything then?”
Again, his friend’s gaze dropped to the floor and he moved away a few paces, turning his back to Nathan. “I understand that you’ve suffered,” he finally said, facing Nathan once again. His gaze held sympathy; however, Nathan detected an underlying accusation not far below the surface. “It pains me to say this, but the man you’ve become in the past few years is not one I wanted anywhere near my sister.”
At his friend’s honest words, Nathan’s jaw re-clenched and he could feel outrage and understanding battling one another, each whispering encouragement in his ear.
“You changed,” Robert continued, his brows rising, daring Nathan to contradict him. “You are no longer the man I once knew, the man she knew. Quite frankly, you’re no longer good enough for her.”
Anger blazed in Nathan’s veins, shoving understanding aside, and he found himself reeling with Robert’s words. His legs carried him back and forth in abrupt strides, his eyes frantic, his mouth opening and closing to respond, to explain, to accuse, to yell. His hands ran through his hair, tugging painfully, before he wheeled around and, a moment later, felt his clenched fist break through the window.
The blow reverberated up his arm, and shards of glass cut his flesh. Blood welled up, and he
felt a soft breeze drift inside, almost soothing after the pain that had marked this day.
“Are you insane?” Robert exclaimed, then rushed forward, his eyes wide as he looked from Nathan to his bloodied hand and then to the gaping hole in the window. “What kind of a halfwit does such a thing? Have you no self-control?”
Nathan scoffed, almost on the verge of hysteric laughter. “My life is one big regret. What reason do I have to behave as expected?” He shook his head. “All I can do is distract myself. If I hadn’t, I would quite literally have gone insane a long time ago.”
The ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner grew louder as silence stretched between them, freezing the moment as though time had stopped. The two men looked at one another, trying to bridge the gap of a decade that stood between them.
Robert moved first.
After telling his spindly butler to have fresh water and some bandages brought in, he pulled a chair close to the window where sunlight streamed in. “Sit!” he ordered, then all but pushed Nathan onto the chair. Then he dragged over another and sat across from him, carefully examining Nathan’s hand. “You have a few minor cuts, but I don’t think it’s serious.” He glanced at his broken window. “I can’t believe you did that.”
Nathan swallowed, wishing he could have held on to the elation he’d felt that morning. Had that only been an hour ago? When he hadn’t been looking, the dark cloud had returned and settled in its usual spot above his head. It felt suffocating and darkened his world, casting a gloom over it that robbed Nathan of every last bit of strength. “What I did,” he whispered, his head slumped forward and his eyes staring at a small cut where a drop of blood began to well up, “I did out of desperation. When I lost her…and you, I lost everything.”
“You still had Olivia,” Robert pointed out; still, his voice held no rebuke and Nathan could have hugged him for it.
“I didn’t see much of her at the time.”
His friend frowned. “Why not?”
Nathan moved his eyes from the drop of blood to meet Robert’s gaze. “Because her life with her husband and her children only reminded me of what I’d lost.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t bear it. It would have taken a stronger man to visit with them again and again and not have his heart ripped from his chest day after day.”
Robert nodded, a hint of understanding in his eyes.
“The life I’ve lived,” Nathan continued, finding it oddly therapeutic to reveal his deepest and darkest secret, “has served one purpose and one purpose alone: to distract myself from the loss. What would you do if suddenly from one day to the next your wife was lost to you?”
Robert’s jaw clenched at this rather unexpected question, and Nathan could see the panic that gripped him at the mere thought of it.
Nathan had seen the two of them now and then about town. He’d seen the way Robert always gathered his wife close, always aware where she was, ready to be by her side at a moment’s notice should she need him. He’d seen the way Cecilia’s gaze often lingered on her husband, and how Robert often looked up even when in conversation with others and met her eyes across the room. He’d seen the way they conversed without words, the way they seemed drawn to one another, the way their smiles seemed truer when directed at the other.
Nathan had envied them more than once.
And he’d cursed them for the happiness they’d found when he’d been denied it.
A maid entered on quiet feet and set a bowl of water and fresh bandages on a table nearby, then quickly disappeared with only a slight bow of the head. Robert then moved the table and its contents closer and began cleaning Nathan’s wounds. How long had it been since someone had last taken care of him? Someone who cared, not someone he paid to perform a task?
Over the past decade, Nathan had never allowed himself to get close to another. He’d found company, conversed and laughed and done his best to enjoy himself. However, the wall he’d built around himself after losing those he’d loved had kept everyone at bay.
At arm’s length.
There, but not close.
Nathan thought of Lady Cranshaw and knew without a doubt that she knew him as little as he knew her. They’d found pleasure in each other’s arms, and yet, he had not once allowed her to see beyond the facade he showed to the world. She knew nothing of the dark cloud that followed him wherever he went. She’d never even glimpsed the moments of utter loneliness that threatened to crush him. She was completely ignorant of the man he was deep down.
The man he once had been.
Could he be that man again? Or was it too late?
Here, in this moment, with Robert by his side, with his friend tending to his wounds, with the compassion and understanding he’d seen in his eyes, Nathan could not deny that he longed for it. It was as though his old life, his old self stood just outside the door knocking, and all he had to do was open the door and invite it in.
“Why are you here?” Robert asked then as though he’d read Nathan’s mind. “What do you want?” He looked up at his friend and, for a moment, Nathan felt as though no time had passed and they still knew each other as they always had.
Indeed, what did he want?
The answer was simple, was it not?
“I want what I’ve always wanted,” Nathan told his friend, knowing without a doubt that Robert didn’t need him to answer for he had known the moment he’d walked into the room. Still, Nathan wanted to say it−needed to say it−because now finally after all these years, there was something he wanted.
His heart beat strong and brave, full of longing and the desire to once more risk everything he had to reach for something that would make him vulnerable. But Nathan didn’t care. He’d spent the past decade in a race he couldn’t win, running from the threat of pain. But had he been fine? No, no matter how far or how fast he’d run, the pain had still reached him and it had brought with it regret and hopelessness.
But no more.
Here, today, Nathan knew what he wanted and he would not simply walk away. He’d done so once, accepted without a fight. He would not do so again. Whether Maggie still wanted him or not, he would not leave without making it clear that he wanted her.
“I want her,” Nathan stated without hesitation and, to his utter surprise, he felt that elusive smile return, tickling the corners of his mouth and sending a warmth through him that he’d gone without for far too long. “I want Maggie.”
Robert shook his head, chuckling. “I feared you would say that.”
Nathan met his friend’s gaze. “Are you saying you will not give us your blessing?”
“I would never deny my sister anything that makes her happy,” Robert stated vehemently, his gaze imploring. “You better make certain that that is you.”
Nathan laughed and, after a moment of hesitation, Robert joined in.
Indeed, today was a day like no other.
Chapter Sixteen
A Mother’s Betrayal
Blind, Maggie raced down the corridor. Tears streamed down her face, and her body ached as though she’d been beaten within an inch of her life. Her feet still moved, carrying her up the stairs, but her mind was absent. Sheer habit moved her forward and brought her to the right door as the shock of Nathan’s words echoed in her heart.
I never married.
Dimly, Maggie heard the door fall shut behind her before she stumbled over her own feet and crashed to the floor, her head connecting painfully with the hard wooden boards. Tears shot to her eyes, but she barely noticed as she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling.
I never married.
Every fibre of Maggie’s being screamed out against it for she knew that if he had spoken the truth, her life had been lived in vain. All the pain she’d endured had been for no reason. She’d wasted her heart all those years…when she could simply have been happy.
If she had never married Ian, he too could have been happy.
If they’d never married, he would still be alive today.
&n
bsp; After all, it had been her inability to love him that had turned him into the bitter man he had become. She had been the one to stoke his anger and she knew she would carry that guilt for the rest of her days.
Perhaps she deserved it.
Perhaps she deserved this pain.
She’d made mistakes. She ought never have married Ian, but her mother…
Her mother!
“Why?” Maggie cried as she rolled herself into a little ball, hugging her knees to her chest. “Mother, why did you do this to me?”
Always had Maggie known that her mother’s love for Scotland knew no bounds and, with each day, Maggie had spent among her mother’s people−her people!−Maggie had understood a little more. She too had fallen for the lush green hills and the clear blue skies. She too had come to love the kindness and joy of the Scots who’d become her family. Even now she longed to return.
Home.
It was a place where she felt safe and loved and at peace. She always had, even despite the marriage that should never have been. Scotland was in her blood, and Maggie understood well her mother’s longing to be returned to it.
Still, to rob her own child of happiness in order to secure one’s own was unthinkable. Never would Maggie dream of harming Blair or Niall to seek happiness for herself. Not that it ever was possible for she could never find happiness so long as her children suffered.
A part of her still could not believe the length her mother had gone to in order to reclaim something she’d lost. Never would she have thought her mother would sacrifice Maggie’s hopes and dreams in order to pursue her own.
Only too well did Maggie remember how shattered she’d been upon learning of Nathan’s betrothal to another. Her mother had been by her side, drying her tears and offering words of comfort, whispering of a new chance once her heart had healed. Had her mother honestly believed it to be possible? To exchange one love for another as though it had meant nothing?