by Bree Wolf
At the sound of her name on his lips, Maggie could not help but sigh and lose herself in those deep, blue eyes all over again. “I felt there was more to say,” she managed to utter on a rushed breath. “Yesterday we…” Her thoughts trailed back to the way they’d clung to each other the day before, the way they’d kissed and held each other after ten long years. Their reunion had overwhelmed her, and only after her children had finally gone to bed the night before had she dared allow herself to relive it.
A spark of understanding lit up Nathan’s eyes as he moved closer. “I’ve had the most wonderful dreams of you,” he whispered as he drew nearer. “I’ve never slept so well in all my life.”
Maggie laughed, noting with a hint of apprehension that the distance between them was dwindling. “I’ve lain awake all night.” She took a step backward and held up a hand. “Would ye please not come any closer?”
He stopped and his brows drew down. “Why?” he asked softly before his lips quirked in that familiar way of his. “Are you afraid you will not be able to keep your hands off me?”
Feeling her face flush red, Maggie laughed, reminded of the ease that had once existed between them. “Now, is this the way of a gentleman?”
“That is not an answer,” he stated and then took another step toward her.
Rolling her eyes at him, Maggie conceded. “Verra well. Have it yer way.” Her arms crossed in front of her chest and she glared at him as though she were once again eighteen years old. “Aye, I’m afraid of what might happen if ye dunna stay where ye are.”
Finally ceasing his approach, Nathan mimicked her by crossing his arms as well. “And why is that? After all, we’ve wasted ten years without the other’s touch, have we not?” Humour slowly left Nathan’s gaze, replaced by the same longing that had been tugging on Maggie’s heart for the past decade. It had been that longing that had closed her heart to Ian. That had made her turn from his touch. That had made her whisper Nathan’s name in her sleep.
That had led to Ian’s death.
“Things are not as they once were,” she whispered wistfully. “We canna simply turn back time or continue where things took a wrong turn.” She swallowed, seeing the same truth in his sobering gaze. “Everything’s different now. We’re not the same two we were then.”
Nathan nodded, regret in his dark gaze. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right. You’ve lived your life, and I’ve lived mine.” He paused. “The question is what do we do now? Where do we stand?”
Maggie drew in a fortifying breath for before she could say what she’d come here to say there was something she wanted to know. Something she needed to know. “So, ye have a son.”
Nathan’s gaze held hers, and she could see his thoughts moving, putting together the pieces, assessing what she knew, what it could mean to her. “Thank you for bringing him to me. I must admit I was utterly shocked to see him. I never would have thought…not for a second that…”
Maggie nodded, remembering the little, lost boy. “Children do that to ye, don’t they? They steal yer heart within moments, and ye find yerself wondering how ye could’ve ever lived without them.” She chuckled thinking of her daughter. “They surprise ye.”
“They certainly do,” Nathan confirmed with a slight curl to his lips. “Collin spoke of Blair. He said she was the one who…found him.” Laughter rumbled in his throat and he shook his head, disbelief lighting up his eyes. “That daughter of yours is quite unique. No matter who she meets everyone is simply awed by her.”
Maggie smiled. “Aye, she has the most caring heart I’ve ever known. Sometimes I worry that it’ll be hurt because the world isna as kind as she wants it to be.”
Nathan nodded, and she thought to see a new understanding come to his eyes. A thoughtfulness that reminded her of a father’s concern for his child. “She’ll be fine,” he told her then. “She has you to look out for her.”
Maggie returned his smile. “Aye, but even a mother canna protect her child from everything. ‘Tis a lesson I learnt when she nearly drowned a few years back.” Nathan’s gaze widened, and he swallowed hard. “We can only do our best, but we canna guarantee their safety or their happiness.” Thoughts of Niall’s grim face sent a shiver down her back, and she wondered how much longer her son would be trapped in this sense of betrayal. Would he ever emerge? Or would this dark gloom remain a part of him forever? Had he simply gotten used to seeing the world through suspicious eyes and now could not view it in any other way?
“When I finally realised that Collin had been missing,” Nathan said then, his gaze distant, his thoughts no doubt returned to the day before, “I felt…terrified. Even seeing him safe and sound standing right there, I felt terrified at the thought that he’d gone out on his own. He could’ve met anyone. He could’ve encountered any sort of dan−” He swallowed, and his gaze met hers. “I’m so grateful it was you who found him.”
Understanding only too well how he felt, Maggie smiled at him gently. “Actually, ‘twas Blair.”
Nathan chuckled, but that touch of fear still remained in his blue gaze. “Yes, of course.” He looked into her eyes for a long moment, and Maggie could feel their bond change, grow, encompassing their role as parents; something they now shared. “I barely know him, but the moment I thought of him in danger, I knew I would have given everything I have to see him safe.” His eyes blinked rapidly, and he gritted his teeth against the emotions Maggie saw on his face.
“Ye’re his father,” Maggie whispered gently. “Yer heart is no longer yer own.”
Scoffing, Nathan shrugged. “But I never saw him. I never held him as a babe. I never soothed his cries. I never took care of him in any way. He wasn’t a part of my life until−”
“Until he was,” Maggie interrupted him, taking a step forward, suddenly needing to be closer. “He’s always been yer son, and ye’ve always known. Ye canna tell me that ye havena been thinking of him every day since the day ye learnt of him.” Her brows rose, daring him to contradict her.
Closing his eyes, Nathan drew in a slow breath. “I always thought if I didn’t see him, if I didn’t acknowledge he was my son, then I’d…I’d…”
“Be safe?” Maggie asked. “Safe from getting hurt? From missing him? From fearing that any harm might come to him?” Casting him a wistful smile, she shook her head. “Ye have a deeply caring heart. Ye always had, and the moment ye learnt of yer son, ye loved him whether ye wanted to or not.”
Rubbing his hands over his face, Nathan began to pace up and down the floor. “You’re right. I pretended…” He stopped to stare at her. “But deep down, I knew it wasn’t true. I pushed him away, afraid that eventually I would lose him as well.” Utter sadness rested in his eyes, and Maggie could see in this moment more than in any other before how deeply the loss of her, of a life together had cut him. “I couldn’t bear the thought.”
Maggie’s hands tightened on her arms as her own emotions began to rise in her throat, then prickled behind her eyes. “What about now? Will ye risk seeing him now? Being a part of his life? Or will ye run and hide once more?”
A grim little smile came to his lips. “His…father asked me that very thing just now, only a few minutes ago.” Maggie dimly remembered the slender man who’d left the moment she’d arrived. “He asked me to make a decision, but warned that I needed to be certain.”
Maggie nodded. “Parenthood is forever,” she whispered, remembering the moments Niall and Blair had been born. “The question is, do ye want to be a part of his life no matter how terrifying the thought might be?”
Nathan held her gaze for a few heartbeats. Then his head slowly moved up and down. “I do,” he mumbled almost breathless. “I cannot imagine not seeing him again. I cannot not be in his life…if he wants me.”
“He does,” Maggie assured him, touched by the doubt that came to his gaze. “The way he spoke of ye, the way he sought ye out, the way he confronted ye…it all whispers of a young man who does not run and hide, but meets his fate head-
on. He cares and, although all that happened frightened him, he knew from the start that he couldna turn away from it.”
“How did you learn who he was?” Nathan’s blue gaze remained on hers, watchful, tense, but also curious.
Maggie sighed, remembering the moment Collin had spoken of the unknown visitor who’d come to his house. “He all but told me or rather Blair and Niall as I was pretending to nap at the time.” A small chuckle escaped her throat. “I admit I was rather shocked when I realised who he was,” her gaze held his, “to you.”
Nathan swallowed. “You’ve not asked how I came to have a son.”
“I suppose the usual way.” Maggie tried to say it lightly, but her voice broke and she took a hasty step back. With her hands clasped together, she willed her gaze not to drop from his. “I wasna certain it was my place to ask.”
All uncertainty had left Nathan’s gaze as he now stepped forward, ignoring her need for distance. The further she retreated, the more he pressed on, his steps carrying him closer, his eyes fixed on hers.
And then Maggie bumped into the backrest of the settee and her escape was cut short as Nathan’s hands reached for hers. His skin felt warm against her own as the tips of his fingers gently brushed along her hands, all but prying them apart and linking them with his. “It is,” he whispered then, holding on tighter. “It is your place to ask. I know we never spoke of it,” he swallowed, and his gaze intensified, “but you were mine and I was yours.” He pulled her hands forward and placed them flat on his chest, right above his beating heart. “It’s always been yours, and I need you to know that it never wavered. Not for a moment.”
As tears shot to Maggie’s eyes, Nathan’s image began to blur. She loved hearing these words, knowing that his heart had always belonged to her, and yet, it made what lay ahead even harder to bear; hope as well as the fear of renewed loss.
“Ask me,” Nathan whispered, then gently brushed the tears from her eyes. “Ask me.”
Sniffling, Maggie tried to calm herself, allowing Nathan’s heartbeat below her fingertips to guide her. “Who was she?” she finally whispered, looking up into his eyes.
And then Nathan spoke to her as he had begun to the day before, as he had spoken to Collin. He once more told her about his life after she’d left, after he’d learnt that she’d married another. He poured his heart out to her and held nothing back, despair and longing etched into his eyes as he spoke of the worst moments of his life. He told her of a young maid in his household. “I was a fool,” he snapped, his voice echoing with disappointment. “I did not realise how deep her attachment ran. I was blind to everything around me. I only ever saw the misery within my own heart, hell-bent on escaping it, and failed to see the way she was reaching out to me.”
Regret and shame clung to his voice as Nathan told her of his despicable behaviour when he’d learnt that she was with child. He spoke of the terror he’d felt in that moment, the fear that had risen from the depth of his shattered heart. “I’d only just lost you. I couldn’t even begin to contemplate opening my heart to another…not even a child.”
“Have ye seen her since?” Maggie asked, wondering if the young woman still harboured any love toward Nathan. “Ye mentioned the boy’s father. Did she marry then?” A part of Maggie wanted to know it all, praying that now that Nathan wanted to be in his son’s life, the young maid would not once again have hope for a reunion.
A soft smile touched Nathan’s lips, and Maggie felt herself tense. “I saw her yesterday when she and her husband came to pick up Collin.” For a moment, his gaze remained distant, directed inward, looking back at the young woman who’d given him a child. Then he blinked, and his eyes returned to Maggie. “I saw them together,” he told her with a smile. “They’re a family. They’re happy.” One hand reached out and brushed a curl behind her ear. “She forgave me for what I did. She told me she had no regrets for it led her to the man she loved. I could see that she meant it.”
Relief washed through Maggie, forcing her to realise how deeply she wished for a life with Nathan. Only it was not to be.
Not now.
Not while they lived in different worlds.
“I’m happy for ye,” Maggie told him, moving to step away from him.
His hands, however, held on to her, his gaze searching hers. “Why did you come?” he asked then, a hint of suspicion in his eyes. “Something is not right. I could see it the moment you stepped across the threshold.” His gaze narrowed. “Is it your children? Has something happened?”
Maggie could have hugged him for the concern she heard in his voice. “They’re fine,” she told him, and he exhaled visibly.
“But?”
Maggie drew in a deep breath. “But my son canna bear the thought of me with another,” she told him honestly, knowing that they’d already suffered a lifetime’s worth of lies. “He’s furious and hurt and so verra, verra sad.” Her voice broke at the thought of her little boy. “All his life he’s watched his father and I tiptoe around one another. He’s always known that there was an imbalance in our relationship. I could name a thousand reasons why I loved Ian, but I simply couldn’t love him…not the way he loved me.”
Nathan’s hands moved to her shoulders, and she could feel the soft pressure of his fingers against her flesh. “He blames you?”
Maggie nodded, her vision once again blurring. “He saw Ian try time and time again, and he saw me pretend just as much.” Wiping a tear from the corner of her eye, Maggie looked up at Nathan. “I didn’t realise it at the time, but I lied to him and he knows I lied. He doesna trust me anymore. I betrayed him and, now, he’s furious at the thought that I might betray his father’s memory.” Her fingers gripped Nathan’s lapels. “I canna lose him,” she sobbed. “He’s my little lad, and I must do right by him.”
Nathan’s jaw tensed, and she could see in his eyes that he understood. “You will return to Scotland, will you not?”
Maggie nodded, and her heart broke all over again.
“When?”
“Soon. Near summer’s end,” she replied, and a gasp was forced from her throat when Nathan’s hands on her shoulders tightened. “The longer I stay, the farther he’ll drift away. I need to find a way to reach him. I need him to feel safe again. I need to take him home.” Her voice trembled. “We’ll stay on with my brother for a little while so that children can have some time together, but then…we needa leave. Perhaps…perhaps we can write to each other, get to know each other as the people we are today. Perhaps then when the time comes, we’ll…” Words failed her, but the look on his face told her that they didn’t need them.
Nathan inhaled a deep breath. “When will I see you again?”
Maggie shrugged, fighting to hold on to her composure…or what was left of it. “I dunno,” she whispered. “I dunno what will happen. I dunno if Niall will ever forgive me for what I’ve done. All I can do is try.” Tears stood in her eyes as she looked up into Nathan’s tense face. She could see pain in his eyes clear as day and knew that his heart ached with the same longing as did hers.
If only there were another way.
If only they wouldn’t have to say goodbye again.
If only they could finally grasp this chance.
“I cannot believe I’ll have to let you go again,” Nathan forced out through gritted teeth as his hands slid to her waist, pulling her closer, voicing his reluctance to do as she asked.
Maggie’s lower lip trembled and she could barely bring herself to speak. “Perhaps it’ll not be forever,” she whispered, reaching out to cup his face. “Ye’ll take care of yer son, and I’ll take care of mine, and perhaps sometime down the line, Fate will lead us together again.”
“Perhaps,” Nathan echoed that one word that they both feared the most. “It’s not enough.” His voice was a growl, contorted by pain and longing, regret and desire. Then his left hand slid up into her hair, tilting her head back, his eyes burning into hers. “I cannot let you go. Not again.”
“Y
e must,” Maggie forced herself to say. “We canna be selfish. We must think of our children. Yer son needs ye here. Mine needs me in Scotland.” Her voice broke. “We canna be selfish.”
Nathan’s lips thinned, and she could see reason and desire war within him. “We cannot be selfish,” he echoed her words once again before a rebellious spark lit up his eyes. “We can here and now.” And then his lips claimed hers in a desperate kiss.
Knowing that they’d soon be forced to part ways yet again, Maggie clung to the man she’d loved all her life. Only the day before, they’d found each other again, realising that their separation had been caused by nothing more but a lie. Their whole lives had been turned upside down since then, thrown into question, leading to doubt and regret, anger and disappointment. Their children had been affected as well, her mother’s lie reaching through time and wreaking havoc even now.
And there was no way out.
They belonged in different worlds. They had different lives. Nathan belonged here in London while she needed to return to Scotland. They were worlds apart, and there was nothing they could do.
Nothing but cling to each other for one last moment…and then say goodbye.
Nathan’s knuckles brushed along her jaw before Maggie felt the tips of his fingers trail across her cheek. Then their touch vanished before she felt them trace the curve of her brow and then dip lower, following the trail of her tears.
Maggie kept her eyes closed, savouring their kiss, soft and tentative one moment and passionate and desperate the next. They teetered between knowing and exploring, familiar and foreign. They’d known each other all their lives, and yet, that first dip into something more−that kiss all those years ago−had ended abruptly.
Now, here they were again, continuing what had begun so long ago. Still, in all the time they’d known each other, they’d only ever shared a handful of kisses and always under the most desperate of circumstances.
The moment she’d left for Scotland.