The Great Ex-Scape

by Jo Watson

  “Mmmm.” I let out the tiniest breathy moan, which I actually hadn’t meant to make. What the hell was I doing? I didn’t know. We were meant to be getting over our exes together, not getting into each other. This was crossing a line. A big green, ribbon line. A line that was firmly placed around our fingers. I could almost feel the ribbon tightening on my finger like an anaconda, as if it knew that this moment was happening and it was telling me to stop. I pulled away from him quickly.

  “Sorry,” I suddenly said. “We should find our rooms.” I started making my way through the mist once more. It was a little thinner now and we found my room first.

  I turned to look at Alex before opening the door. A part of me didn’t want this evening to end, or the moment to be over. “Goodnight, I guess?” It was definitely a question and I paused and waited for the answer.

  “Good night,” he said back to me. There was an awkward lull in the conversation. I reached for the door handle pointedly, hoping it would make him say something to stop me from opening it. Only he didn’t.

  “Okay. Good night,” he said.

  “Good night.” I said it again, giving him one last chance to tell me not to open the door. The ribbon on my finger tightened and I shook my head to myself, trying to dislodge all that was running through my mind right now. I finally opened the door and without looking back at him, slipped inside and pulled it closed. I waited, my back to the door, and listened intently at the sounds of his footsteps getting further and further away from me.

  I sighed, and a feeling of emptiness rushed in as I stood there all alone in my room looking around. I started taking my clothes off and was just about to climb into bed when my phone beeped. I reached for it. I was sure it was one of my friends, I’d been sending them the odd message here just so they didn’t worry. But it wasn’t. My heart started beating faster.

  Alex: I forgot to say thank you

  I typed back.

  Val: For what?

  Alex: This has been one of the best days of my life.

  I smiled to myself, almost giddy.

  Val: Me too.

  Alex: Sleep tight.

  Val: You too.

  Alex: Looking forward to tomorrow.

  Val: Me too.

  Alex: Sweet dreams.

  Val: Thanks.

  Alex: If you get scared, you know where I am . . .

  I sat up a little straighter. Wait. Was this an invitation to join him? I lowered my fingers to the screen and was just about to start typing something flirty back when the green ribbon caught my attention. Rule number one went running through my mind: don’t jump into another relationship . . . feelings are all over the place . . . easy to think you’ve developed feelings for someone else . . . just transference . . . not real . . . take a break from relationships . . . focus on yourself for a while. Clearly, I was letting myself run away a bit here and needed to reel myself in. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling right now was even real. Wait, what was I feeling? I brought my fingers back down and typed something else entirely, something that every part of my body was telling me not to . . .

  Val: I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl.

  Alex: I know.

  Val: See you in the morning.

  Alex: Can’t wait.

  Alex: Good night, Val.

  Val: Good night, Alex.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  “So . . .” Alex laid the magazine out on the table in front of us and took out his trusty pen and green highlighter.

  I ate my breakfast and looked down at the magazine. I’d had a great sleep the night before, despite the mist, and had woken up feeling refreshed and starving.

  “We only have two more to go.” Alex circled them and I stared at the magazine.

  “Really?” I pulled it away from him and looked. “Oh God, I can’t believe we’re almost through the list already.” And then a thought hit me uncomfortably in the ribs: what would happen when we finished the list? This adventure with Alex would be over and that would be it. I looked up at him. He was looking at me too.

  “There’s no rush to get through them, though,” Alex suddenly said, pulling the magazine away as if he was thinking the same thing.

  I smiled happily. “No need to rush,” I repeated.

  “So shall we go exploring the town after breakfast?” Alex asked, fighting me for the last croissant on the plate. I managed to grab onto the end of it before he pulled it away and it tore in two. We both laughed at this and stuffed the food into our mouths.

  Alex sat back on his seat and rolled his shirt up, looking down at his stomach. “I’m really going to need to get back to the gym when I get home.”

  “Oh, please!” I tutted. “Says the man with an eight pack and a rock-hard chest of steel.”

  Alex suddenly stood up and held his hand out for me. “This place is meant to have really nice walks.”

  “A walk?” I shook my head. “I’ve already walked once this holiday.”

  “Once is not enough.” He grabbed my hand and started pulling me out of the chair.

  But—” I started objecting but was quickly interrupted.

  “But nothing, Val. But nothing.”

  I giggled as Alex wrapped his arms around me and pulled me forcefully. We bumped into someone else’s breakfast table on the way.

  “Sorry.” Alex held his hand out. The couple eating gave us a slightly disapproving look which made me laugh.

  We stumbled outside the hotel and found ourselves back on the street once more. There was no sign of the mist from the night before. It was as if it had never been there at all. The day was warm, not too hot though. A perfect temperature that made it pleasant to walk.

  “Look,” Alex suddenly said, pointing at a sign that indicated a walking trail off the road and into a wooded area.

  “Uh . . . But it’s just pointing into a forest,” I said, looking into the tall thick trees.

  “Don’t worry, we won’t get lost.” Alex took my hand and pulled me up the path and into the woods.

  “Famous last words,” I said, as I glanced around. Just like the mist the previous night, this was, once again, the perfect start to some kind of horror movie. Two hikers going into the woods for an innocent walk. All goes well until a madman with an axe jumps out from behind a tree and decides to turn their skulls into little ashtrays.

  We walked through the forest, the tall trees dwarfing us on all sides, rising up so high that when you looked up, you couldn’t see their tops. It was silent here, except for the sounds of our feet crunching down on the carpet of pine needles. The sweet scent of pine permeated the air and a slight breeze made the leaves rustle.

  We continued to walk on in silence for a few more minutes before something made us both stop. Soon, the fresh smell of pine needles was no longer what filled the air.

  I inhaled deeply and looked over at Alex, trying to ascertain if he was smelling the same thing, or was I just imagining it?

  “Is it?” I asked, taking in another whiff.

  “It can’t be, can it?” He looked at me, also sniffing.

  “I think it is,” I said. I looked around to find the source of the smell. I didn’t have to look for too long because, suddenly, raucous laughter broke through the air.

  Soon, two distinct voices could be heard. The voices sounded young. They were laughing and talking in French. We smiled at each other and followed the sounds until we found what we were looking for. Two teenagers slumped against one of the trees, smoking something that was definitely not a cigarette.

  Alex and I shared another smile and continued to watch the two teenagers.

  I tutted softly. “Naughty-naughty,” I whispered quietly to Alex. It was obvious what they were up to. The distinct smell, the hysterical laughter, the angry-looking teenage clothing coupled with the fact that they were loitering in the woods, dead giveaway. Alex took a step and something loud crunched underfoot. Suddenly, two pairs of startled teenage eyes were on us. The looks on their faces changed immediately; sur
prise, shock and then panic. Then one of them said something in French and, at the speed of light, they were off, running through the forest. Clearly these weren’t career criminals.

  I looked over at Alex and laughed but he wasn’t looking in my direction and suddenly he ran forward.

  “What?” I asked. And then I saw it too. The thin column of smoke curling up from the ground. The joint was sitting on a big bed of dry pine needles, and it was only minutes away from going up in flames.

  Alex picked the joint up and then began smashing his foot down on the pine needles.

  “They could have caused a fire,” he hissed as his foot extinguished the last of the smoke. “So irresponsible.” He shook his head angrily.

  “Totally!” I agreed, walking over to him. And then, we both suddenly became very aware of what Alex was holding between his fingers. We looked down at it. Thick, white, rather crudely rolled and burning. We both looked up from it and made eye contact.

  “When last did you . . .?” I asked, not finishing the sentence, rather letting the question hang in the air, much like the pungent smoke wafting around us.

  Alex looked serious. “I never have.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and yet, the inflection at the end of his sentence made it feel like one. What was he asking me exactly?

  We both looked down at it again. A breeze blew through the forest and dragged some of the smoke with it. It twirled and twisted in the air, like smoke coming from a genie’s lamp.

  Our eyes lifted once more and we looked at each other again. “Do you think we . . .?” I asked.

  “We could . . .” Alex replied, looking back down at the thing between his fingers.

  “It’s just a plant,” I quickly said, in an attempt to justify this.

  “And it’s used a lot in medicine these days too,” Alex added.

  “Canada just legalized it,” I offered up.

  “It’s legal in the Netherlands,” Alex added.

  “Totally,” I confirmed.

  “And medical marijuana is legal in most of America, you can basically get it for strep throat. I’ve had a few cancer patients on it during chemo.”

  “See!” I said. “It would almost be criminal not to.”

  “Exactly,” Alex said.

  “So we agree then?” I asked.

  “Why not?” Alex replied and then slowly started raising it to his lips. Then he paused. “I’ve never smoked weed before. Ever.” He looked to me, questioningly.

  “Just put it between your lips, inhale, and then you have to inhale again otherwise it doesn’t go down into your lungs.”

  Alex nodded and tried, but all that happened was a massive fit of coughing and chest banging.

  “That’s awful!” He continued to cough. “How do people do it?”

  “I don’t think you got any,” I said, taking the joint from Alex and raising it to my lips. “Like this . . .” I inhaled the distinctive-tasting smoke, held it in my lungs for a while, and then blew it out. “Easy,” I said, and passed it back to him.

  Alex tried again, but the same coughing fit occurred. He shook his head and passed it back to me. “I can’t do this,” he said.

  “Wait!” I held my hand up dramatically. “You can’t back out now. I’ve already done it.”

  “But I can’t physically do it.”

  “I know.” I took the joint from him, remembering something from my college days. Not that I was a big smoker, but I’d partaken here and there—who hadn’t? Clearly the serious med students hadn’t, that’s who.

  “I’m going to blow it into your mouth,” I said. “All you have to do is inhale as I blow in. Okay?”

  Alex nodded and I indicated for him to come closer. I inhaled, careful not to keep it in for a second longer than it needed to be, and then brought my mouth down over his. I blew into his mouth and heard the sound as he inhaled in. But even once I knew Alex had inhaled, I didn’t move my lips. Instead, I kept them there. Letting them linger. Alex moved closer to me, the movement caused our lips to rub together. A static-like tingling sensation prickled on my lips. The sensation grew, until my whole face tingled. It crept into the back of my neck and raced down my spine. I pulled away, almost surprised by how intense the sensation had been. I looked at Alex. He had a slightly surprised look in his eyes too.

  I cleared my throat. “Did you get it?”

  He nodded as a thin puff of smoke curled out of his mouth and rose up into the air.

  I looked back down at the joint, it was nearly finished. I brought it up to my mouth again and took a slightly bigger breath this time. I held it in until it felt like my lungs were going to explode, and then quickly brought my mouth back down to Alex’s.

  This time Alex’s hand came up to my cheek as our lips met. He opened his mouth slightly and I placed mine over his, breathing the smoke into it, as he inhaled. Again, I didn’t move my lips off right away. Instead, we both seemed to close our mouths slowly at the same time, causing our lips to rub together gently. The tingling feeling was back and it felt so good that I didn’t want it to end and then suddenly, it felt like we were kissing.

  Were we? No one was moving their tongues or lips though. Alex lifted his other hand to my cheek and held my face in place. I moved closer to him, until our chests touched. I was so aware of our lips. His against mine. Mine against his. It was all I could feel. We kept them so still, that when they both finally started moving, it was very obvious. My lips curled into a smile, and I felt Alex’s doing the same. We smiled against each other’s lips.

  “Whoa!” I said softly and slowly against his mouth. My words sounded dreamy and slow and heavy.

  “Whoa,” Alex imitated me as we slowly pulled away. We looked at each other, stupid smiles plastered across our faces.

  “Whoa,” we both said at the same time and then started looking around. The forest appeared more beautiful than it had a few moments ago. The greens were greener and almost shimmery now. I watched Alex, he seemed to be gazing straight ahead of him with a faraway, distinct look on his face.

  “Alex, are you okay?” The words came out of my mouth, but it didn’t sound like me. My voice wasn’t mine, it was as if someone had hijacked my vocal chords and was speaking through me. Someone with a strange, slow, mechanical, voice. “Oh my God! I’m channeling Siri!” I suddenly said, putting my hand to my lips to see if they’d changed shape. “Helloooo.” I was surprised by the sound of my voice again. “I’m Siri!” I looked up at Alex. He looked at me and smiled.

  “Hello, Siri,” he said. And that was it. The world’s funniest moment. The joke to end all other jokes. A punchline like no other punchline that had ever come before it, well, that’s how it felt anyway as an explosion of laughter filled the space between us. It was so loud and frightening that I’m sure we terrified all the forest animals.

  Alex moved towards me, he was laughing so much that his shoulders were rising and falling and he looked unsteady on his feet. We reached out and grabbed each other by the shoulders, clinging on tightly.

  “It hurts!” I cried, as tears started pouring from my eyes.

  “Me too!” Alex said, as his laughter became hysterical.

  I pulled Alex into a hug and we held onto each other, screaming with laughter until we were both crying tears.

  “Let’s walk,” I suddenly said, pulling away from Alex.

  “Which way did we come from?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged and then an idea hit me. “I know!” I closed my eyes and stuck my arm out, pointing one of my fingers, and then spun around and stopped.

  I opened my eyes and looked at my finger. “Siri wants us to go that way.” I turned and looked at Alex. He started nodding in agreement.

  “I trust Siri,” he said and then we both stumbled off in that direction together.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  We were surrounded by forest and the world was moving in slow motion. Somehow everything looked crisper and clearer, yet muted at the same time. The colors
all seemed to hum at me, as if each one had a different sound and I swear, I could feel some kind of vibration moving through the air. Maybe this was mother nature whispering to me?

  “Wow!” I said breathily.

  “I know. It’s so like, like . . .” Alex held his arms out and wiggled his fingers around. “It’s like I can feel the air.”

  I burst out laughing again, and soon Alex joined in. We stumbled and cackled through the undergrowth like two people who’d escaped from a mental asylum, almost insane from all the laughter. We walked a little more and luckily “Siri” had chosen the right way, because suddenly we found ourselves standing at the edge of the forest, the town stretched out in front of us just behind the row of trees.

  “Where does Siri want us to go next?” Alex asked.

  I closed my eyes again and spun around, this time completely losing balance and falling to the ground. As I hit the floor I began screeching with laughter again. I could hear Alex laughing too, then I felt two arms under mine and a firm tug. I stumbled back up to my feet and then crashed into Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and then we both fell backwards onto the floor again.

  We both cried with laughter. The kind of laughter that renders your body useless. We were gasping for air now and I’d never known laughter like this. It was so intense I thought I might actually die from it.