by A R Steele
“I’m glad you said it. I wasn’t going to say anything, but there was always something about that guy. I never knew how much I could trust him.”
“That’s the thing. Even though things have happened between us, I don’t know how much I can trust him either.” He gave a quick rundown of the events. “So, with everything put together, and then this woman last night, I really don’t know what to think.”
“Well, you have to figure it out if you want to be with him.”
“Of course, but how do I do that?”
“You know him better than I do. All I can say is that if you want to find out what’s up with him, you’re going to have to talk to him.”
“There’s another option,” Jesse said, putting his hand in his pocket and fingering the business card. “I could contact this ex of his.”
“Don’t do that,” Elijah said. “Get it from him. He would feel betrayed if you went behind his back. If he’s going to tell you the truth, it has to come from him.”
Jesse took his hand out of his pocket and laid it on the table. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Try it. Talk to him.”
Jesse said. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Shade seems pretty determined to not be with me.”
Elijah gave him a sympathetic glance. Now that he was blissfully taken, Jesse doubted how much he could sympathize. “It will work out if it’s going to work out,” Elijah said.
“I guess so. I should go. I’ll see you later.”
As he drove home, he thought about how well Elijah was doing these days. He was a changed person, in a good way. Jesse would never have thought he’d be in school and out of the strip club, not to mention his perfect-seeming relationship. Jesse was happy for him. He just wished he could find the same for himself.
When he got home, he went up to his room. He dropped his laptop on his knees and lay back in bed, opening up the code for his app. As he played around with it, he yawned. There weren’t many bugs left to fix. He could have streamlined the code a little more, but it was running about as well as it ever would.
To make it better, he would need to show it to people and see what they thought about it. He had no plans to do that. That would have meant more work, and it was just a fun little project for him to fool around with.
He pushed the computer away and spread out on the bed, unable to concentrate. He was still thinking about Shade and all of his mysteries. When was he ever going to figure out the truth about him?
He took out Pearl’s card and folded it between his fingers. He unfolded it, looked at it, and put it back in his pocket. Then he took it out again and looked at it carefully. Pearl Hancock, Customer Experience Manager. She sounded pretty legitimate. She couldn’t be that crazy if she was a manager.
She had been drunk, though. And Shade had said himself that they’d only gone on a few dates. As a disgruntled ex, she could just want to fuck up Shade’s life. Maybe Pearl was lying about what she knew.
Or maybe she had all the answers Jesse had been missing.
Twenty-Four
By the time Shade got up the nerve to text Jesse, it was almost six in the evening. Jesse probably had dinner plans, either with his family or with friends. Shade doubted that he would be able or willing to eat with him.
He sent the text anyway. Hey Jesse, want to grab pizza?
The answer came more than twenty minutes later, and it was a curt one. Yeah, sure. See you in half an hour?
Shade liked that they didn’t have to say where they were going to meet. It was just assumed. Yes, he wrote.
They were almost to the point that he had fantasized about, of going to the same place and being known to the employees. He just wasn’t actually dating Jesse. Being friends was kind of nice… but he had to admit he wanted more.
His heart pounded as he got ready. He chose his clothes carefully, wondering why he was even bothering. No matter how good he looked, Jesse was going to hate him anyway. It would have been better to choose his words with that amount of care. But he knew there was nothing he could say, no way to phrase things, that would make Jesse forgive him.
He got to the pizza place and walked inside. Jesse was already there. “I was wondering if your friend was going to join you,” said the guy behind the counter.
Shade smiled weakly at him. He seemed like a nice guy, but Shade wasn’t in the mood to make chitchat with anybody. He needed to get this conversation out of the way, and then he would know just how much Jesse was going to hate him.
He slid into the booth next to Jesse. “I already ordered,” Jesse said. “I figured you would want the same thing.”
Shade nodded. “Sounds good. Listen…”
Jesse interrupted him. “Are you going to tell me shit?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“It’s about time.”
“Yeah, and I’m sorry. I hope you’ll understand I couldn’t tell anybody before. Even now, telling you is a bit difficult.”
“What exactly do you have to say, S?”
The pizza guy placed the box between them, but they didn’t take their eyes off each other. They stared motionless at each other until he left. Even though the scent of the pizza drifted up to Shade’s nose, he made no move to take it. This conversation with Jesse was much more important than any pizza.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a while,” Shade said. “I didn’t want you to hear it from Pearl.”
Jesse nodded. “Good. I thought about contacting her, but I didn’t want to get it from somebody else. I wanted to give you the chance to open up.”
“Okay,” Shade said.
He wiped his palms on his thighs. When had they gotten so sweaty? He stared at the white pizza box, wishing they could go back to a simpler time when eating good food was all that mattered. He hated the thought of revealing his secret. But it had to be done.
“So, you know that you’ve been calling me by a nickname,” Shade started. “My full name is Sheldon Jeffries.”
“Fine,” Jesse said. “Lots of people have nicknames. What have you been keeping from me?”
“I lived in Haberdee up to a few months ago.”
“I knew that.”
“Yes, but you were right when you said I didn’t move here for a finance company. I moved here for the job with the Tool Shed.”
“And why did you want to be a stripper so bad?”
Shade looked at his fingernails. “Because…” His voice went soft, and he practically whispered the last few words. “Because I’m writing an article about it.” He glanced up at Jesse, meeting his dark brown eyes for half a second before dropping them again. “I’m a reporter, Jesse.”
“A reporter?”
Shade couldn’t quite read Jesse’s voice, and when he looked up at his face, his features were contorted in confusion. “You’re not a cop?”
“No, I’m an undercover journalist. I’m working on an article for Snap That magazine.”
“You’ve been here all this time…” Jesse’s voice grew cold. “Spying on us?”
“Not spying,” Shade said. “Just… observing.”
“Observing!” Jesse slammed his fist down on the table, making the friendly pizza guy look at them with alarm. “What kind of article were you going to write, Sheldon? Was it going to be something nice? Were you going to make us look good? What kind of article takes three, four months to research?”
Shade grimaced, wishing he could sink into this grimy booth and disappear. “It’s an exposé. I was going to write about the seedy underbelly of male strip clubs.”
“Dammit, you didn’t. How could you?”
“I wasn’t going to make you sound bad,” Shade said weakly. “I just wanted to tell the world about the Tool Shed. I think it’s a cool place, and I want the world to know about it.”
“You wanted to come in, profit off it, and then leave. Isn’t that right?”
“That’s not something I would do. You know me better than that. I wanted to share it with the world.”
“I don’t know you better than that,” Jesse said, staring at him with open hostility. “I don’t know you at all. Your little friend last night was right. You’re not who you said you were. I have no idea who you are.”
Shade slumped in the chair. He was aware that Jesse was walking away, but he knew it would do no good to go after him. Jesse was pissed, which he had every right to be. He was completely right in everything he had just said.
Shade didn’t want to make the club look bad. He only planned to tell the truth, and the truth was that there was both good and bad in that strip club. He wasn’t going to just write about sunshine and rainbows. And he had never thought about how it would affect the people he was planning to write about.
The scent of the pizza became less strong, and Shade knew it had to be getting cold. At this point, he couldn’t care less. Jesse had been gone for several minutes now. Shade hadn’t even had the chance to tell him he was going to be leaving.
Would Jesse have cared? He probably never wanted to see Shade again. And that was after Shade had planned what to say so carefully. His reaction had been so much worse than Shade had anticipated. He tried to think of a way that he could have done better, but it was impossible. He was in the wrong from the start, and he had no way to make this right.
When he got to the club, he went directly to Trenton’s office. “Good evening, Shade,” Brentley said.
“Hey. Hey, Trenton.”
Shade looked at each of them, measuring their similarities and the differences. Brentley was less brusque than Trenton, but also more businesslike. He was more approachable and less at the same time. Trenton had that harsh exterior, but he suspected there was a soft spot under it.
Not that it mattered, anyway. He could think about ways to phrase things for his article later. He would plan out how to organize it and what to do with it. He had plenty of time for all of it. Right now, he just had to give in his notice.
“Is everything okay?” Brentley asked. “That woman hasn’t given you any more trouble?”
“No, that’s not it,” Shade said, scuffing his shoe on the floor. “I came here to tell you that tonight has to be my last night. I can’t work here anymore.”
Both men looked surprised. “Why not?” Trenton asked.
“I thought you were doing well at this job,” Brentley said.
“I am, and I enjoy it.”
A ledger full of calculations lay open on the table. Shade wondered what it would show if he were to flip through it. He had gathered all the material he was going to gather, though. He had to write his article from what he already had. It was over.
“I just can’t stay any longer,” he continued. “I have… personal reasons. I’m sorry I can’t give you two weeks’ notice. I would have liked to, but it’s kind of urgent.”
“I see,” Trenton said. “I’m sorry to hear that. I think you’re a great stripper. You’d be welcome to come back here anytime you want.”
Shade nodded, somewhat moved. He had enjoyed being a stripper more than he had expected. And he was decent at it, if he did say so himself. Not just anyone could have taken on this assignment. He had done better here than he did at his actual job.
If Jesse didn’t hate him, he might have wanted to stay.
“Thank you for that,” he said quietly. “I guess I’ll come see you at the end of the night and we can talk about my salary and so on.”
“Brentley will help you with that,” Trenton said.
Shade nodded. His notice was officially in, and this was his last night.
This was really happening.
Twenty-Five
Jesse climbed down from the stage, aware that his performance had been subpar. The bad boy thing was easy, but doing it again and again was allowing him to slip into a routine. His mind was not on dancing. It was on a certain undercover reporter who had snuck into his heart. He had been thrown for a loop, and now he had to figure out how he felt about it.
As he watched Shade across the room, he wondered if his initial reaction had been too harsh. Shade was still the same guy he had come to know. Well, he thought he was, but he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t know anything about Shade, and at this point he didn’t care about finding out.
Shade had been planning to write an article about the club. To expose everything about them. That was Jesse’s private life he was talking about. He also might hurt the club. What if he wrote about all of them being into guys? The customers would definitely not be into that, and losing the fantasy could shut down the entire place.
So yeah, Jesse was pissed, and as he thought about it, he was pretty sure he had every reason to be. He wouldn’t let himself get sidetracked by Shade’s ridiculous good looks. He had to maintain this anger, because it was the right thing to feel.
Jesse felt silly for even having a crush on Shade. He’d probably only go for a guy who was college-educated and had a real job. Not someone like Jesse.
As Jesse walked around the room, Shade came up to him. “Hey, Jesse. Can we talk?”
“We can’t,” Jesse said, turning away immediately.
“Come on, Jesse, don’t be like that…”
Shade trailed off as Jesse walked away.
Jesse was being rude, but he didn’t care. He sat down with a group of customers, still fuming over Shade’s attempt to talk to him. As the night passed, Shade just tried more and more. Shade was persistent. Everywhere that Jesse turned, he was there with his pleading eyes and sad words. Jesse would have thought Shade wanted to apologize or something, but knowing him, he probably just wanted more material for his article.
He wondered if that article would include something about the stripper Shade had hooked up with. Of course, that was all it would be now. Why would Shade include that they had fooled around once? Jesse obviously meant nothing to him. And he never would.
It was close to one when Shade caught him coming out of the champagne lounge. “Jesse, I wish you would give me a chance to explain.”
“You explained at the pizza place,” Jesse said. “That was enough.”
As he walked away, Shade hurried after him. “But there’s more. I want you to know…”
Jesse turned back to face him, stopping so suddenly that Shade almost ran into him. “I don’t care what you have to say, Sheldon. I know everything I need to know.”
He stormed away. Being mean to Shade was killing him, but he had to do it. Shade deserved that and worse after what he had done.
Around two, Shade caught Jesse alone in the change room. Jesse closed his locker without even putting all of his stuff inside. “I was just leaving,” he said.
Things were going to be awkward from now on. Jesse was still going to have to interact with Shade. He’d have to pretend everything was normal while the group joked around. Hopefully Shade would do him a favor and minimize his involvement with the guys. They were Jesse’s friends first, and they were his real friends. For Shade, they were just interview subjects.
He walked toward the door, but Shade blocked his exit. “Jesse, it’s my last night here. I’m not going to see you again.”
That took Jesse by surprise, and his steps paused. He was never going to see Shade again? His heart clenched at the thought.
But Shade was a liar, and Jesse wanted nothing to do with him. Everything would be easier this way. This was for the best. He tried to convince himself of that as he said, “Okay.”
Not seeing Shade was going to hurt. Jesse had gotten his hopes up about that guy. The connection had just been so strong… Jesse had thought so, anyway. Who knew what it had really been? An undercover reporter had to be good at playing roles and making people think that they had connected with him. Maybe Jesse had fallen for what Shade had planned all along. Maybe it was all just for the article.
Shade looked at him, trembling. Jesse could almost believe he saw tears forming in his eyes. “This doesn’t change anything,” Shade said. “I’m still the same person. And I… I like you too much to let thi
s go.”
“How exactly did you see this going?” Jesse demanded. “You thought I would just say, ‘okay, you’re someone completely different from what you told me you were, but it’s cool?’”
“I know I fucked up,” Shade said. “I know you have every reason to be mad at me.”
“Mad is an understatement,” Jesse hissed. “You lied about everything. I didn’t even know your name until yesterday.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Shade’s voice was almost a whisper. “I’m not that guy anymore. I’ve changed here. I want to be Shade, not Sheldon. I want to be who you think I am.”
“It doesn’t work like that,” Jesse said. “And I don’t want my whole life in a magazine article for a bunch of strangers to gawk at. You had friends here. Everyone liked you. We took you in and treated you well. You got paid the same as everyone else, and you hung out with us, and came to our parties, and the whole time you were planning to stab all of us in the back. You were probably planning to put how I sucked your dick in the article.”
“No, Jesse. It was never like that.”
“I felt guilty for being attracted to you when you were in a relationship,” Jesse said. “You have a lot more to feel guilty for. You betrayed all of us.”
“That boyfriend wasn’t even real,” Shade said. “I invented him to make sure I wouldn’t get involved with anyone.”
Jesse stared at him, blinked, and shook his head. Yet another lie. It made sense in a way, but it didn’t make him feel better. All those times he’d felt guilty for wanting Shade, he could’ve had a clear conscience. “You made everything up,” he said. “You’re not who you said you were.”
“I know I was wrong,” Shade said, hanging his head. “I can’t ask you to forgive me. All I’m asking for is a chance to rebuild the trust we should have had.”
Jesse looked at him. Even now that he knew how he’d betrayed him, Shade was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. But Shade’s good looks weren’t enough to make up for what he had done. Jesse doubted if he would ever forgive Shade. He would go on with his life, keep stripping, do what he needed to do. And he would hold the rancor deep in his heart.