by A R Steele
“It’s too late for trust,” he said bitterly. “We have no foundation for any kind of trust.”
“But, Jesse…”
“You’re a stranger to me now.”
“You’re leaving?” Shade’s voice was desperate.
Jesse pushed past Shade, ignoring the spark when their shoulders touched. “If that’s all you have to say to me, then yeah. Whatever.”
Twenty-Six
As Shade watched the other strippers file into the change room at the end of the night, it was clear they had no idea about the tension between Shade and Jesse. Jesse was one of the last to come in, and he shot a glare in Shade’s direction before going over to his locker and slamming it open.
Ace yawned loudly. “I am so tired!”
“Me, too. I can’t wait to get you into bed,” Gabriel told him.
Shade rolled his eyes. The last thing he needed at this point was to see the other happy couples. All he could hope for was that this conversation would go okay. He had no hope that Jesse would forgive him, although in his heart of hearts, he wished that it would have that effect. But after seeing Jesse’s fury at his actual role, he had decided to take a leaf out of the club’s new rulebook. Like the strippers surveying the customers, he would survey his interview subjects.
“Hey, guys, I have a question,” he said.
From the corner where he stood changing, Lucas said softly, “What else is new?”
The guys laughed, and even Shade had to smile. He had so much affection for this group of men. He wouldn’t have expected it, and he couldn’t have said when it developed, but it was real and true. These guys were his friends. Maybe Jesse was right about him stabbing them in the back.
“Well, I was wondering what you would think if there was some media attention about the club.” He paused. “Hypothetically, of course.”
Too scared to look at Jesse, Shade looked around. The guys looked confused.
Cooper was the first to speak. “What do you mean?” he asked, frowning.
“You know, media,” Shade said. “Like a documentary, for example. Or a newspaper article.”
“Well… that depends on what it would say.” Cooper still looked worried.
“I’d love it,” Lev said, looking back over his shoulder as he flung off his shirt. “The world needs to know that I’m a star.”
“I don’t know about it,” Owen said. “It could have a negative effect on the business.”
“That’s what I was thinking,” Gabriel said. “There’s things going on here that we wouldn’t really want the customers to know about.”
“Yeah,” Ace said. “Like if they ever found out that we were all banging each other…”
“Well, other than that, I think it would be fine,” Gabriel said.
“I know this place is a bit unique,” Cooper said. “But I wouldn’t want our whole lives exposed.”
“Yeah, only good attention,” Owen said. “I’d have no problem with something good coming out.”
“But us being gay is the most interesting thing about this place,” Cooper said. “Otherwise, we’re just your average struggling little male strip club.”
“The little male strip club that could,” Lev put in.
Shade looked from one face to the next, trying to calculate which opinion was the most common. He wanted to make everyone happy. But if one person was unhappy, would it even matter if the rest of them were ecstatic?
He looked around, trying to make sure he had heard from everyone. “What do you think, Lucas?”
Lucas took a step out from the corner. “I agree, it might have a bad effect. I like my privacy.”
“And you, Jesse, you’ve been quiet,” Cooper said.
Now Shade was forced to look at Jesse. He had a strange expression on his face. He looked cautious, but… pleased? Shade only looked at him for a second before tearing his eyes away. Jesse was like the sun – looking at him for too long would blind him.
“I hate it,” Jesse said. “I’m not a character. I don’t want my whole life reduced to a few paragraphs or a sound bit. I’m not here to make some kind of statement or to symbolize anything. I’m just trying to get my money and get by.”
“What if only the people who wanted to be in the article were in it?” Shade asked, looking directly at Jesse.
He wished there was some kind of compromise where he could satisfy everybody. There had to be a way to respect Jesse and Lucas’s wish for privacy while putting Lev in the spotlight. If there was any way to make Jesse accept his work, he would do it.
“That wouldn’t be a very good article,” Jesse said, closing his locker.
Shade let out a sigh. He had forgotten to change, too distracted with the conversation, but Jesse was finished. Now he would be heading home. Shade would never see Jesse’s face again. Never feel his touch or get into bed with him. He would only have this memory of how terribly he had fucked up.
He sighed, staring at Jesse with a heavy heart. It was just as well. Jesse probably wouldn’t even like the real him, anyway. He tossed everything from his locker into his bag. A bottle of Tums was hidden at the bottom.
Funny, he thought as he threw the bag over his shoulder. He used to take ten of those a day, and now he hadn’t needed one for months.
“All right, I’m heading home,” he said.
“You can’t leave like that,” Lev said, jumping in front of him. “Why did you have so many questions?”
“Oh,” Shade said.
“Yeah, what was that all about?” Cooper asked.
“That didn’t seem too hypothetical,” Lucas put in softly.
Shade looked at each man in turn. Even Jesse had paused at the edge of the room. He couldn’t keep the truth from these guys. They were his friends now. More than that, they had made him into a better person.
“You all might have noticed that I’ve asked some things over the past few months,” he said, looking at the floor.
“No kidding.”
Shade ignored Ace. “I can’t tell you what I’ve been up to.” The guys loudly objected and demanded for him to tell them. “But… maybe I can tell you the truth if you guess.”
“About time you admit it,” Lev whined. “I always knew you were up to something. You’re definitely a cop, are you?”
“No.”
“FBI agent?”
“Nope.”
“DEA?”
“Come on! I’ve seen you guys do drugs, like, a hundred times.”
“He was talking about the media,” Cooper said. “Are you… making a documentary?”
Shade almost laughed. “Getting warmer.”
“Are you writing an article?”
Here it was, the moment of truth. “Yes,” he said quietly. “I’m an undercover reporter.”
The room went silent, and Shade dropped his eyes as he waited for them to turn on him. Now that they knew, they would surely react as angrily as Jesse had.
Instead, Lev yelled out in seeming ecstasy. “Oh my God! He’s going to make us all famous!”
The other guys exploded with questions. “What kind of article?”
“For a newspaper?”
“Are you seriously not a cop?”
“What’s my fake name going to be?”
Shade held up his hands, overwhelmed. The tables had turned. Now he saw how they felt when he asked them question after question. “Just be patient. One at a time, and I’ll tell you everything.”
They all sat down on the benches. “The article is for Snap That Magazine. It’s going to be an insider’s look at a male strip club. I can’t make any promises about what will or won’t be in it, but – ”
Cooper gave him a chilly look as he interrupted. “Did you say Snap That? That magazine writes awful articles.” The others looked at him, none of the others seeming familiar with it. “All they do is tear people down.”
“Is that the magazine that wrote about the B-list actress?” Lev asked. “The one who killed herself after it came
out?”
The others quieted, each of them staring at Shade with a solemn expression.
Cringing, Shade nodded. That was a black mark on Snap That’s record, but that wasn’t their usual style. “This article will be a nice one.”
“Nothing in that magazine is nice,” Lev said, more serious than Shade had ever seen him. “Places are ruined after being featured in it. We’re already struggling here. I don’t want to be famous if it means closing this place down.”
“If you write your article, we might all be out of a job.” Ace looked decidedly unhappy about that possibility.
The guys were right. The magazine wouldn’t have sent Shade here for six months to put a positive spin on things. Nothing that appeared in Snap That’s pages was nice. He was here to expose the club, not to make it look good. The article he wanted to write wasn’t what the magazine’s readers wanted to read.
Even if he hid the club’s identity, the article would doubtless create a stir. People would look into it. There were only so many male strip clubs in the continental United States, and finding this one would be easy for a dedicated researcher.
For once in his life, words failed Shade. “I don’t… I can’t…”
Shade’s stomach churned. This was what Jesse had been trying to tell him. The guys could see in an instant what hadn’t crossed his mind in three months. He was playing with fire here, and it threatened to burn the entire club to the ground.
“I promise I won’t write anything that would hurt the Tool Shed,” Shade said. He didn’t know how he would manage to do that, but he would do it. This club had been good to him, and he wouldn’t want to do anything that could shut it down.
“I hope you’re serious,” Cooper said. “You should speak to Trenton and Brentley about your article. They would definitely want to know about what you’re doing.”
Shade nodded. He would definitely take that into consideration. Up to now, three months into this assignment, he hardly had anything on paper. Why? Was he not as interested in this place as he thought?
Or had he been too busy having fun with his new friends to do his “actual” work?
“I should go home now,” he said slowly. “It’s been wonderful working with all of you.”
“What do you mean?” Gabriel asked.
“I’m not going to be working here anymore.”
“What? But we like having you here!”
Shade could hardly believe that they felt so strongly about him leaving. They seemed to want him there simply because they liked him.
He glanced over at Jesse, who was still quiet. His face was hard to read, and he wasn’t saying anything.
“I have to go,” Shade said. “Now that you all know I’m undercover, there isn’t much point to staying. I won’t get anything real from you.” He paused for a long moment, wishing Jesse would at least look back at him. “Thank you all. I’m going to go home now.”
Twenty-Seven
Jesse doubted if his mind could be any more blown than it already was. Shade had just come clean about everything. He’d promised to take the other strippers’ opinions into consideration. If he was serious, he would even talk to Trenton and Brentley about his article.
As Jesse stood there, stunned, Shade prepared to walk out the door. He was going to walk right by Jesse, and Jesse still had no idea what to say to him.
The others watched curiously as Shade approached him.
“Well, Jesse, I won’t bother you anymore.” Shade spoke too quietly for the others to hear. “It’s been nice knowing you. I really am sorry about everything.”
Jesse just stared at him. The guys hadn’t even reacted in the way he’d expected them to. He was the only one who felt deceived or betrayed. Of course, they weren’t falling for Shade… but Jesse had to wonder if he had overreacted.
Shade walked away before he could think of something to say, and Jesse slumped down. He was letting the man of his dreams get away. But what else was he supposed to do?
“Jesse, what are you doing?” Lucas said, approaching him. Even though his voice was quiet, the fact that he was speaking directly to Jesse was unusual. “I know you like Shade. You should go after him.”
Apparently Lev had overheard. “Yeah, Jesse! Go get a piece of him! You won’t have another chance after this.”
“I have to agree,” Cooper said. “You two have been dancing around each other for a while now. You’re into him, and he’s into you, so who cares if he’s not exactly who you thought he was? Go get him!”
As the others cheered in agreement, Jesse lifted his head. He knew they were right. He needed to catch up with Shade before it was too late.
“Fine,” he said, and jogged out of the change room. He glanced around as he made his way through the main room, then out the door. Luckily, Shade was still in the parking lot. “Stop!” he called out.
Shade stopped walking and looked back at him. The hope in his eyes was clear, and almost painful in its sincerity. Jesse could see his emotions all over his face.
“What is it?” Shade asked.
“Look, um… I don’t forgive you, okay?”
Shade nodded, looking sad. Jesse figured he deserved to feel bad. “I want to give you the chance to rebuild trust, like you said earlier. I have to give you that much.”
“Really? You would do that?” Shade’s face infused with optimism, then fell again as Jesse spoke.
“Yeah, S.” Jesse made no attempt to keep the harshness out of his voice. “I’m not promising you anything, because I don’t know who you really are. I might never forgive you for this shit you pulled. But… we have a connection, and those don’t come that often. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way about somebody. Even the other guys can see that there’s something between us.”
Shade reached for Jesse’s hand. “I’m so happy you changed your mind.”
“I haven’t changed anything,” Jesse said, avoiding his touch. “I just want to find out who’s the man behind the act.”
“It was never an act,” Shade whispered. “Not when it came to you and me.”
“Then let’s go on a date tomorrow.”
Shade nodded. No one could have faked the sincerity in his eyes. “That sounds good,” he whispered.
The idea of going on a date had Jesse excited, and he was already thinking about all the places he wanted to go with Shade. They could go for a hike again, or back to the pizza place, or something completely different. As long as he was with Shade and getting to know the real him, he would be happy.
“I do need to get back to Haberdee, though…”
Jesse stared at him. He had completely forgotten about that. Shade didn’t even live in this town. If they ended up wanting to go through with this, it would be a long-distance thing. But… Haberdee was only a few hours away. Jesse thought back to the night they had shared. Shade was worth it.
“Can you stay a couple more days?” he asked. “I’ll come see you first thing in the morning after I get off from work.”
“I have the apartment until the end of the month, and no job to go to.”
“All right.” Jesse paused, thinking about it. “You know what, fuck it. I’ll take the night off. We can spend the entire day getting to know each other – really getting to know each other – and by the end of it, you can decide when you want to go back.”
Although Shade’s eyes widened, he nodded. “I already know what my answer will be. But I’ll give you time to decide.”
“Okay, let’s meet in the morning.”
“You can come over right now if you want.” Shade looked at him seductively.
The offer tempted Jesse. He would have immediately accepted before all of this happened, but now he couldn’t do it. He was still angry at Shade and unsure if he could trust him.
“No,” he said regretfully. “That would sway me in one direction. I’m not going to have sex with you until we decide about this.”
“That’s fair.”
Jesse hoped
upon hope that Shade would be the kind of man he’d want to date. The idea of never touching him again made Jesse want to die a little. Their intense chemistry definitely made Jesse want to forget what he’d done.
“I’ll meet you as soon as I wake up,” Jesse said. “Let’s say one o’clock. We can have brunch together and then go for a hike. Do you still like hiking?”
“Could I honestly have lied about that?”
“Okay,” Jesse said, smiling despite himself. “We’ll go for a hike.”
As Jesse headed home, he doubted if he had ever cared so much about a hike in his life. He couldn’t have said if he was doing the right thing or not, but it definitely felt like it. He wanted Shade more than he would have thought possible.
Now he just hoped that Shade would be the person that he thought he was. Shade needed to drop his mask, and Jesse would find out if he liked the person underneath.
He couldn’t sleep. He felt like a kid on Christmas Eve – but instead of being excited for presents, he was nervous because he didn’t know if he would get presents or coal. While he wanted Shade to be the same as he always had been, he also knew that there would be some major differences. There were bound to be. Sheldon was a mystery to him.
The morning was torture as Jesse lay in his bed, tossing and turning but unable to find sleep. After a cup of coffee, he was able to function. He called Shade sometime around noon. “Can we meet early?”
“Yeah, I’m ready. I haven’t been able to sleep.”
They met up at a diner, where Shade looked much the same as usual. Instead of his jeans and bandana, he was in chinos with his hair combed back. He looked different, but still good. Jesse liked being able to see more of his face. He hadn’t been worried about his attraction to Shade, though. That was the least of his worries.
“You look great,” Shade said, reaching for Jesse’s hand.
Sparks went off in Jesse’s body at the touch, and he reminded himself that he needed to observe him. He hadn’t taken the night off work for nothing. If he gave into his lust, they would just end up fucking for twenty-four hours straight, and Jesse still wouldn’t know if he liked the real Shade.