Finding Sarah

by Sarah Ferguson

  The shaman made me see that I had ignored little Sarah for years. Now I had to imagine that I was holding this little girl close to my heart and embracing her in love. Little Sarah needed to know she was loved, acknowledged, and accepted unconditionally by me. She needed to trust that I would protect her, by thinking clearly and lovingly, and by saying “no” to fearful, critical, and self-sabotaging thoughts. Once I faced, acknowledged, and loved little Sarah, then and only then could I begin the process of developing a loving relationship with myself.

  It was time to love little Sarah with all my heart. As I wrote in my diary: It appears that the great mother I am to my daughters should have included me, my little Sarah. It has taken me twenty-one years to realize that I must embrace myself, and be kind and gentle to me.

  This was all a real awakening.

  Before we left the desert, the shaman played his flute and serenaded me on the mesa top. I could feel another eruption of giggles bubbling under my rib cage, but I managed to suppress them.

  Yes, at times my shamanic journey was humorous. Yet it gradually led me to realize: When we open our heart and unshutter our soul, we find unimagined things are suddenly possible. Clay is an amazing individual, very caring and kind. I loved how he sang to me—without inhibition or self-judgment, and that alone was a living lesson from which we can all learn. Every good person you meet in your life has something for us, if we would only recognize it.

  I believe there’s a powerful shamanic experience waiting for everybody—somewhere. It’s just a question of deciding to go look for it. And listening when you find it.

  NUGGETS:

  • Be willing to let go of your inhibitions and worries that people are judging you. Everyone has insecurities; we are all only human.

  • Look for guides in life, people who lift our spiritual vibrations and help us to feel better. Really listen to what they offer and act on their input.

  • Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change, and transformation.

  • Explore something new that feels positive and meaningful—a shamanic journey, for example, or a spiritual retreat.

  • No matter how well or how poorly your parents did their jobs, once you grow beyond childhood and adolescence, the challenge of nurturing yourself is yours, and yours alone. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love. And put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Ask yourself in what ways you blame others for what happens to you. Take responsibility for you own actions. Don’t seek an immediate result; seek patience.

  DIARY ENTRY

  September 10, 2010

  I have been so busy … being my own assistant, being a mother, writing a book, filming a docuseries, and trying to breathe. At times, it can be overwhelming. Anyway, my eyes are looking over the sunny Camelback Mountain of Phoenix. I am so glad to be back. I came here in June, shortly after the trauma of the scandal. I felt at home, at peace.

  My daughters have given me total support with the docuseries, something I wrestle with every day. Most people work on themselves in total isolation, but I am doing it in front of two camera operators, one director, and a room full of spectators taking notes. I will admit that each and every spectator is relating so totally to the points discussed. That being so, I have a sense that the producers and network are correct, that this show will help so many people find themselves. I pray they are right.

  It is terrifying to do this work so publicly. I know that the tight, closed lips of many British people will completely castigate and finally obliterate me from the British Isles—and practically existence—for airing my laundry in public. I remember when my dad was dying of prostate cancer, and he went on the radio to urge men to get checked, many called him up and told him to stop talking about it. Aaagh, the Great British stiff upper lip.

  As all my guides have told me: They already despise you. There is only one way to go, and that’s up and true to yourself!

  They cannot be wrong.

  From: Suki

  To: Sarah

  You are not an animal to be caged in. You are a being full of life and much to give and need to be free to fly and spread happiness. You have been born for a higher purpose. Realize the divinity within and all will start to make sense.

  Suki

  18 Into the Maze

  I use no rules to navigate so I can enjoy the ride.

  THE DAY AFTER my experience with Clay, I met with Martha Beck, probably the best-known life coach in the country since she started writing a regular column in Oprah Winfrey’s O magazine and from her appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show. I first met Martha in Phoenix in June 2010. She opened my eyes to the work of the mind and was a great gift from Oprah. We became sisters immediately. It was Martha who supported my doing the docuseries. I wrote all my diary entries, from June to now, to Martha and Oprah. I was happy to be reunited with her.

  You’d think I wouldn’t have much in common with a diminutive, soft-spoken life coach. But from the very first time I met Martha, I wanted to hug her and tell her, “Yes! That’s me!” in her wonderful, wisdom-filled columns. Martha makes you glad that life can be so lived, so loved, so known, so rich in observation and feeling. Her writings are so rich in wisdom and her life story is incredible.

  As a life coach, Martha helps people whose lives have gone off course find their way back to authentic, rewarding lives. She believes that any deep crisis is an opportunity to make your life extraordinary in some way—which is why I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could.

  Joining us was Koelle Simpson, a lovely raven-haired woman, and a student of world-renowned equine trainer and bestselling author Monty Roberts, known as the Horse Whisperer. Koelle is brilliantly intuitive and, as an Equus Coach, a horse whisperer in her own right.

  Martha and Koelle introduced me to some unique ways to help people overcome fears and find their true selves. The first exercise we did was to create a “vision board.” A vision board is basically a collection of pictures and words, glued together on a poster board or foam board, that organizes one’s goals and dreams. Images are cut from magazines, then organized and sorted to fill the board. Most people choose to place the board in a spot where they will see it every day so it reminds them of what they are working toward.

  Martha explained that vision boarding “puts clarity and focus on your goals and can serve as a powerful reminder of how you should be spending your time.”

  Vision boarding acts as a focusing tool for your mind. We all have dreams of what we desire, yet we rarely capture them on paper. But an amazing thing happens when you put those images on a vision board. Your subconscious mind begins working on that idea or goal, even with no conscious effort on your part.

  I cut out lots of different things in magazines that represented what I wanted to manifest in my life: women in sleek blue jeans; thin, fit women; images of the sea; India; all my dreams. When I saw the new possibilities right there on my vision board, my whole outlook on life began to change. Everything and anything seemed possible.

  Before you read any further, why not try creating your own vision board? Gather all of your supplies: photos, magazines, glue, scissors, catalogs, markers, poster board, or any other items you’d like to use.

  Cut out pictures from magazines that represent your dreams and desires. Choose pictures, items, and phrases to create a collage that represents what you want in your life.

  Glue your images to a poster board. You can organize by theme—health, travel, relationships, wealth—or make it a random collage. Think of how you want your life to look in a year. Keep your vision board where you can see it for daily inspiration.

  Mine was jam-packed with images to manifest my destiny and turn my desires into reality. This was a very powerful tool.

  One day Martha announced that she was going to teach me how to weaken the power of my negativity.

  As she spoke, I immediately took out my notebook, so I could jot down everything she said.

&
nbsp; “Like many people with self-esteem problems, you probably think you’re worthless, correct?”

  I hesitated. “Yes, I tell myself that all the time. I think there is something inherently wrong with me, something that leads people to find me unappealing. And I don’t ever want to do anything that could result in criticism from other people.”

  Martha asked me if I was willing to do a little experiment—something that’s used to challenge negative thoughts and unhealthy beliefs.

  “Of course,” I said.

  “How does this belief that ‘you’re worthless’ make you feel?”

  I pondered the question for a moment. “Depressed, helpless, unlovable.”

  “Exactly. Negative thoughts can drag you down into a spiral of anxiety or depression.”

  Martha went on. “It’s good to be aware of how your thoughts and beliefs make you feel. That’s the first step toward changing them. Next, let’s challenge that belief in a rational way. Okay, you think you’re worthless. What proof do you have that this is true?”

  “I made a horrible mistake. That proves I’m imperfect and therefore I’m worthless.”

  “Not exactly. That you are imperfect is shown by your mistake—we all make mistakes—but it doesn’t logically follow that you are worthless, does it?”

  I agreed that my conclusions were completely illogical.

  Martha continued. “Your belief of being worthless—can you describe any experiences that prove this belief is untrue?”

  “Well, my children love me. Many people support me. I have accomplished much good in my life. I have a brilliant mind.”

  “So how does it follow that you’re worthless?” Martha countered.

  I pondered that for a moment. “I’m not sure I ever thought about it like that. I guess I’m not worthless.”

  Martha suggested, too, that I test out newer, healthier beliefs to see whether they made more sense. So instead of saying to myself, “I’m worthless,” I should look for more evidence that I’m a worthwhile person.

  The aim of this exercise is simply to help us really look at our unhealthy beliefs, scrutinize them by checking any evidence that is contrary to such beliefs, and begin to discover more logical, healthy perspectives. Anyone can do this; it’s a way to get the answers we’re looking for, all by ourselves.

  When a relationship is ending, for example, repeating the words “I am a beautiful, passionate, loving, and giving person” can restore precious self-esteem. At work, when pressed to complete a challenging project by the end of the week, you might say, “I am going to get this project completed by Friday.” If you’re in the process of adopting a healthier lifestyle, you could tell yourself, “I am changing my life for me.” The truer your new positive statements are, the less likelihood that your old negative beliefs will continue.

  Another tool Martha introduced was a variation of blindman’s buff. She blindfolded me and instructed me to wend through an intricate maze, formed with string attached to other strings.

  Martha explained that the exercise simulates what life does to all of us: “Life is an unknown path, and no one gives us directions. There are obstacles, we stumble around in the darkness of our lives, and we have to feel our way very carefully.”

  Darkness—that was something I knew about. I had so many things stored in the blackness of my life—lost marriage, lost dignity, lost hope. My life had so often been a horrible nighttime-in-the-daytime experience, a massive oil spill of the spirit.

  So off I went, in total darkness, through the maze, holding on to the strings for dear life. I must have retraced my steps more than once, coming to a place where the strings met at a forty-five-degree angle, or where a string ended at some obstacle. I walked into a yucca plant, stumbled into some bushes, and nearly tripped over a chair. It was very uncomfortable—and a little scary. I knew I had come to that same corner before, touched that same obstacle before. Then I would turn around and go back, trying to find my way without being able to see.

  “Your goal is to develop your internal guidance system, and listen to it,” Martha said. “It gives us a clear indication about what is right for us. If it’s right, we tend to feel good. If it’s wrong, we tend to feel bad. If we ignore our internal feelings and do something we know isn’t right, we may regret it later. The only way to win our freedom back is to face our situation honestly and—no matter how terrible things may be—continue to act on the heart’s calm guidance.”

  “Everything you need is within you,” Koelle added.

  I persevered, using all my instincts. I didn’t give up, even as I began to feel frustrated that I couldn’t get out of the maze. I kept trying to find my way, back and forth and up and down along the strings, but I couldn’t find my way with my eyes covered. If a string felt rough or unusual, I immediately tried to find the correct string. And after going in circles, thinking I would never find my way but not wanting to give up, I finally made it to the end.

  “You’re home!” Koelle said.

  “Am I! Hello! That’s good.”

  “I’ve never seen anyone learn the maze that fast,” added Martha. “You did really well.”

  “You started out asking a lot of questions … what do I do … how do I do it … tell me where to go, and what if there’s … and toward the end, you were quiet. You were trusting yourself,” Koelle told me.

  I’m slowly, stubbornly learning that maybe I should do a little more of that. To make it out of the darkness, I have to trust that my internal guidance system will work to move and direct me where I want to be. Our internal guidance system is foolproof—we’re the fools when we don’t acknowledge what it’s telling us.

  Next, I would do some “horse therapy.” I have always loved horses, and as I looked forward to working with them, I couldn’t help but think of one particular horse that will forever hold a special place in my heart.

  NUGGETS:

  • Intuition will help you clarify things in your life and point you in the right direction. Once you begin to consistently use your intuition, you’ll feel more secure in your decisions.

  • Trust yourself. Allow your feelings to be one of your deciding factors.

  • Live mindfully. Notice any event or circumstance that opens a door or confirms your intuition. Make time for quiet reflection and listen to your heart.

  MORE WISDOM FROM MARTHA

  Martha suggested another wonderful tool that helped me immensely—and it may help you, too.

  • Imagine the perfect person is with you—someone you love, or Jesus, Buddha, or Santa Claus, any great teacher who appeals to your psyche. This person is telling you exactly what you need to hear.

  • Write down both sides of the conversation with this individual. Start by describing how you feel, the presence of fear, anger, and other emotions. Ask the questions you need to ask.

  • Then become the other person, and answer your questions as that person would in your very best dreams.

  • If this resonates with you, try Martha’s Challenge Step: Experiment with believing that what your perfect person tells you is actually what God wants you to hear right now.

  From: Sarah

  To: Koelle

  Dearest Koelle,

  My friend, if I may call you that, I cannot believe in such a short time I felt so close to you. You are an incredible person, with a superb golden heart and those eyes, wow, a special lady.

  Thank you so much for your kindness in teaching me so much. I have so, so much to learn, and learn I will.

  I feel you and your work put me on the road to recovery. And I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  With much love to you and huge gratitude.

  I am always here in friendship.

  Sarah

  From: Martha Beck

  To: Sarah

  You are an indispensable part of God. Ironically, the more we suffer, the more we seem willing to feel that. As the Fake Sheikh episode fades in time, you have slightly less incentive to aban
don the earthly illusion and return to the astonishing reality of the soul. Please make sure you do that now, so you never again have to suffer deeply before shifting your perceptions. And finally, below you’ll find a poem that I’ve always loved. It seems there were people who got it—and reached out to tell you so—even in thirteenth-century Persia.

  I say my inner lover, why such panic?

  We sense there is some sort of spirit that loves birds and animals and the ants—perhaps the same one who gave you radiance in your mother’s womb.

  Is it logical you would be walking around entirely orphaned now?

  The truth is you turned away yourself, and decided to go into the dark alone.

  Now you are tangled up in others, and have forgotten what you once knew.

  That’s why everything you do has some weird sense of failure in it.

  —Kabir

  DIARY ENTRIES

  September 15, 2010

  I find that as the days of September tumble on, so the hours tick by, and the workload of daily life rises. It is fascinating to be alone in your own life and not have any full-time assistants. I realized that I was working for my staff, that I torpedoed myself around the world for jobs, in order to keep funding the monthly salaries. That tremendous burden of responsibility is thunderous, and no sooner had you managed a month’s salaries, when you had to find the next month’s salaries. So I was chained to the treadmill, and my life was slipping into my fifty-first year, without a backward glance. How fascinating to be given this enormous gift of freedom. God is God. I am totally in service and deeply, profoundly humbled by universal light. If we could just get out of our own way...