Collected Short Fiction

by C. M. Kornbluth

  “You amaze me.” I went on through the paper. It was about 70 percent ads, most of them from the Main Street stores we’d passed. The editorial page had an anti-UP cartoon showing the secretary-general of the UP as the greasy, affable conductor of a jetbus jammed to the roof with passengers. A sign on the bus said “Fare, $15,000,000 and up per year.” A road sign pointing in the direction the bus was heading said, “To Nowhere.” The conductor was saying to a small, worried-looking man in a parka labeled “New Agricultural Planets” that, “There’s always room for one morel!” The outline said: “But is there—and is it worth it?”

  The top editorial was “a glowing tribute from the Phoenix to the Phoenix for its pioneering work in yaks, pinned on the shipment that arrived today. The second editorial was anti-UP, echoing the cartoon and quoting from the Sirian in the page-one ISN piece.

  It was a good, efficient job of the kind that turns a working newsman’s stomach while he admires the technique.

  “Well, what do you think of it?” asked Chenery proudly.

  I was saved from answering by a brrp from the ethertype.

  “GPM FRB GA PLS” it said. “Good-afternoon, Frostbite Bureau—go ahead, please.” What with? I hunted around and found a typed schedule on the wall-that Kennedy had evidently once drawn up in a spasm of activity.

  “MIN PLS” I punched out on the ethertype, and studied the sked.

  It was quite a document.

  WEEKDAYS

  0900-1030: BREAKFAST

  1030-1100: PHONE WEEMS FOR BITCHES RE SVS

  1100-1200: NOTE MARSBUO RE BITCHES

  1200-1330: LUNCH

  1330-1530: RUN DROPS TO WEEMS: GAB WITH CHENERY

  1530-1700: CLIP Phoenix, REWRITE PUNCH & FILE

  SUNDAYS

  0900-1700: WRITE AND FILE ENTERPRISERS.

  Chenery spared my blushes by looking out the window as I read the awful thing. I hadn’t quite realized how low I’d sunk until then.

  “Think it’s funny?” I asked him—unfairly, I knew. He was being decent. It was decent of him not to spit in my eye and shove me off the sidewalk for that matter. I had hit bottom.

  He didn’t answer. He was embarrassed, and in the damn-fool way people have of finding a scapegoat I tried to make him feel worse. Maybe if I rubbed it in real hard he’d begin to feel almost as bad as I did. “I see,” I told him, “that I’ve wasted a morning. Do you or Weems have any bitches for rate to messenger-boy to Mars?”

  “Nothing special,” he said. “The way I said, we always like low-temperature and high-altitude agriculture stuff. And good f arm-and-home material.”

  “You’ll get it,” I told him. “And now I see I’m behind clipping and rewriting and filing stories from your paper.”

  “Don’t take it so hard,” he said unhappily. “It’s not such a bad place. I’ll have them take your personal stuff to the Hamilton House and the bureau stuff here. It’s the only decent hotel in town except the Phoenix and that’s kind of high—” He saw that I didn’t like him jumping to such accurate conclusions about my pay check and beat it with an apologetic grimace of a smile.

  The ethertype went brrp again and said “GB FRB CU LTR” “Good-by, Frostbite. See you later.” There must have been many days when old Kennedy was too sick or too sick at heart to rewrite pieces from the lone client. Then the machine began beating out news items which I’d tear off eventually and run over to the Phoenix.

  “Okay, sweetheart,” I told the clattering printer. “You’ll get copy from Frostbite. You’ll get copy that’ll make the whole damned ISN sit up and take notice—” and I went on kidding myself in that vein for a couple of minutes but it went dry very soon.

  Good God, but they’ve got me! I thought. If I’m no good on the job they’ll keep me here because there’s nothing lower. And if I’m good on the job they’ll keep me here because I’m good at it Not a chance in a trillion to do anything that’ll get noticed—just plain stuck on a crummy planet with a crummy political machine that’ll never make news in a million years!

  I yanked down Kennedy’s library—“YOUR FUTURE ON FROSTBITE,” which was a C. of C. recruiting pamphlet, “MANUAL OF ETHERTYPE MAINTENANCE AND REPAIR,” an ISN house handbook and “THE UNITED PLANETS ORGANIZATION SECRETARIAT COMMITTEE INTERIM REPORT ON HABIT-FORMING DRUGS IN INTERPLANETARY COMMERCE,” a grey-backed UP monograph that got to Frostbite God knew how. Maybe Kennedy had planned to switch from home brew to something that would kill him quicker.

  The Chamber of Commerce job gave a thumbnail sketch of my new home. Frostbite had been colonized about five generations ago for the usual reason. Somebody had smelled money. A trading company planted a power reactor—still going strong—at the South Pole in exchange for choice tracts of land which they!d sold off to homesteaders, all from Earth and Earth-colonized planets. In fine print the pamphlet gave lip service to the UP ideal of interspecific brotherhood, but—So Frostbite, in typical hick fashion, thought only genus homo was good enough for its sacred soil and that all non-human species were more or less alarming monsters.

  I looked at that editorial-page cartoon in the Phoenix again and really noticed this time that there were Sirians, Venus-ians, Martians, Lyrans, and other non-human beings jammed into the jetbus, and that they were made to look sinister. On my first glance, I’d taken them in casually, the way you would on Earth or Mars or Vega’s Quembrill, but here they were, supposed to scare me stiff and I was supposed to go around saying, “Now, don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are Martians, but—”

  Back to the pamphlet The trading company suddenly dropped out of the chronology. By reading between the lines I could figure out that it was one of the outfits which had overextended itself planting colonies so it could have a monopoly hauling to and from the new centers. A lot of them had gone smash when the Greenhough Effect took interstellar flight out of the exclusive hands of the supergiant corporations and put it in the reach of medium-sized operators like the rusty-bucket line that had hauled in me, the yaks, and the ten-penny nails.

  In a constitutional convention two generations back the colonists had set up a world government of the standard type, with a president, a, unicameral house, and a three-step hierarchy of courts. They’d adopted the United Planets model code of laws except for the bill of rights—to keep the slimy extra-terrestrials out—with no thanks to the UP.

  And that was it, except for the paean of praise to the independent farmer, the backbone of his planet, beholden to no man, etc.

  I pawed through the ethertype handbook. The introduction told me that the perfection of instantaneous transmission had opened the farthest planets to the Interstellar News Service, which I knew; that it was knitting the colonized universe together with bonds of understanding, which I doubted; and that it was a boon to all human and non-human intelligences, which I thought was a bare-faced lie. The rest of it was “see Fig. 76 3b,” “Wire 944 will slip easily through orifice 459,” “if Knob 545 still refuses to turn, take Wrench 31 and gently, without forcing—” Nothing I couldn’t handle.

  The ethertype was beating out:

  FARM—NOTE FROSTBITE

  NOME, ALASKA, EARTH—ISN—HOUSEWIVES OF THE COLDER FARM PLANETS WOULD DO WELL TO TAKE A LEAF FROM THE BOOK OF THE PRIMITIVE AMERINDIAN SEAMSTRESS. SO SAYS PROFESSOR OF DOMESTIC SCIENCE MADGE MCGUINESS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF NOME’S SCHOOL OF LOW-TEMPERATURE AGRONOMY. THE INDIAN MAID BY SEWING LONG, NARROW STRIPS OF FUR AND BASKET-WEAVING THEM INTO A BLANKET TURNED OUT COVERINGS WITH TWICE THE WARMTH AND HALF THE WEIGHT OF FUR ROBES SIMPLY SEWED EDGE TO EDGE—

  That was my darling, with her incurable weakness for quote leads and the unspeakable “so says.” Ellie Masters, I thought, you’re a lousy writer but I love you and I’d like to wring your neck for helping McGillicuddy con me into this. “Dig up all sorts of cute feature stories,” you told me and you made it sound sensible. Better I should be under the table at Blogri’s with a hangover and sawdust in my hair than writing little by-liners about seventeen t
asty recipes for yak manure, which is all that’s ever going to come out of this Godforsaken planet.

  Rat-Face barged in without knocking; a moronic-looking boy was with him toting the box of ethertype spare parts.

  “Just set-it anywhere,” I said. “Thanks for getting it right over here. Uh, Joe, isn’t it?—Joe, where could I get me a parka like that? I like those lines. Real mink?”

  It was the one way to his heart. “You betcha. Only plaid mink lining on Frostbite. Ya notice the lapels? Look!” He turned them forward and showed me useless little hidden pockets with zippers that looked like gold.

  “I can see you’re a man with taste.”

  “Yeah. Not like some of these bums. If a man’s Collector of the Port he’s got a position to live up to. Look, I hope ya didn’t get me wrong there, at the field. Nobody told me you were coming. If you’re right with the Phoenix you’re right with the Organization. If you’re right with the Organization, you’re right with Joe Downing. I’m regular.”

  He said that last word the way a new bishop might say: “I am consecrated.”

  “Glad to hear that. Joe, when could I get a chance to meet some of the other regular Boys?”

  “Ya wanna get In, huh?” he asked shrewdly. “There’s been guys here a lot longer than you, Spencer.”

  “In, Out,” I shrugged. “I want to play it smart. It won’t do me any harm.”

  He barked with laughter. “Not a bit,” he said. “Old man Kennedy didn’t see it that way. You’ll get along here. Keep ya nose clean and we’ll see about The Boys.” He beckoned the loutish porter and left me to my musings.

  That little rat had killed his man, I thought—but where, why, and for whom?

  I went out into the little corridor and walked into the “ride-up-and-save” parka emporium that shared the second floor with me. Leon Portwanger, said the sign on the door. He was a fat old man sitting cross-legged, peering through bulging shell-rimmed glasses at his needle as it flashed through fur.

  “Mr. Portwanger? I’m the new ISN man, Sam Spencer.”

  “So?” he grunted, not looking up.

  “I guess you knew Kennedy pretty well.”

  “Never. Never.”

  “But he was right in front there—”

  “Never,” grunted the old man. He stuck himself with the needle, swore, and put his finger in his mouth. “Now see what you made me do?” he said angrily and indistinctly around the finger. “You shouldn’t bother me when I’m working. Can’t you see when a man’s working?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and went back into the newsroom. A man as old as Leon, tailoring as long as Lepn, didn’t stick himself. He didn’t even wear a thimble—the forefinger was calloused enough to be a thimble itself. He didn’t stick himself unless he was very, very excited—or unless he wanted to get rid of somebody. I began to wish I hadn’t fired those bottles of Kennedy’s home brew down to the incinerator so quickly.

  At that point I began a thorough shakedown of the bureau. I found memos torn from the machine concerning overfiling or failure to file, clippings from the Phoenix, laundry lists, style memos from ISN, paid bills, blacksheets of letters to Marsbuo requesting a transfer to practically anywhere but Frostbite, a list of phone numbers and a nasty space-mailed memo from McGillicuddy.

  It said: “Re worldshaker, wll blv whn see. Meanwhile sggst keep closer sked avoid wastage costly wiretime. Reminder guppy’s firstest job offhead orchidbitches three which bypassed u yestermonth. How? McG”

  It was typical of McGillicuddy to memo in cablese. Since news bureaus began—as “wire services”; see his archaic “wiretime”—their executives have been memoing underlings in cablese as part of one-of-the-working-press-Jones-boys act that they affect. They also type badly so they can slash up their memo with copyreader symbols. This McGillicuddy did too, of course. The cablese, the bad typing, and the copy-reading made it just about unintelligible to an outsider.

  To me it said that McGillicuddy doubted Kennedy’s promise to file a worldshaking story, that he was sore about Kennedy missing his scheduled times for filing on the ether-type, and that he was plenty sore about Kennedy failing to intercept complaints from the client Phoenix, three of which McGillicuddy had been bothered by during the last month.

  So old Kennedy had dreamed of filing a worldshaker. I dug further into the bureau files and the desk drawers, finding only an out of date “WHO’S WHO IN THE GALAXY.” No notes, no plans, no lists of interviewees, no tipsters—no blacksheet, I realized, of the letter to which McGillicuddy’s cutting memo was a reply.

  God only knew what it all meant. I was hungry, sleepy and sick at heart. I looked up the number of the Hamilton House and found that helpful little Chenery had got me a reservation and that my luggage had arrived from the field. I headed for a square meal and my first night in bed for a week without yaks blatting at me through a thin bulkhead.

  It wasn’t hard to fit in. Frostbite was a swell place to lose your ambition and acquire a permanent thirst. The sardonic sked posted on the bureau wall—I had been planning to tear it down for a month, but the inclination became weaker and weaker. It was so true to life.

  I would wake up the Hamilton House, have a skimpy breakfast and get down to the bureau. Then there’d be a phone conversation with Weems during which he’d nag me for more and better Frostbite-slant stories. In an hour of “wire-time” I’d check in with Marsbuo. At first I risked trying to sneak a chat with Ellie, but the jokers around Marsbuo cured me of that. One of them pretended he was Ellie on the other end of the wire and before I caught on had me believing that she was six months pregnant with a child by McGillicuddy and was going to kill herself for betraying me. Good dean fun, and after that I stuck to spacemail for my happy talk.

  After lunch, at the Hamilton House or more often in a tavern, I’d tear up the copy from the printer into neat sheets and deliver them to the Phoenix building on the better end of Main Street. (If anything big had come up, I would have phoned them to hold the front page open. If not, local items filled it, and ISN copy padded out the rest of their sheet.) As in Kennedy’s sked, I gabbed with Chenery or watched the compositors or proof pullers or transmittermen at work, and then went back to the office to clip my copy rolling out of the faxer. On a good day I’d get four or five items—maybe a human interester about a yak mothering an orphaned baby goat, a new wrinkle on barn insulation with native materials dial the other cold-fanning planets we served could use, a municipal election or a murder trial verdict to be filed just for the record.

  Evenings I spent at a tavern talking and sopping up home brew, or at one of the two-a-day vaudeville houses, or at the Clubhouse. I once worked on the Philadelphia Bulletin, so the political setup was nothing new to me. After Joe Downing decided I wouldn’t get pushy, he took me around to meet The Boys.

  The Clubhouse was across the street from the three-story capitol building of Frostbite’s World Government. It was a little bigger than the capitol and in much better repair. Officially it was the headquarters of the Frostbite Benevolent Society, a charitable, hence tax-free, organization. Actually it was the headquarters of the Frostbite Planetary Party, a standard gang of brigands. Down on the wrong end of Main Street somewhere was an upper room where the Frostbite Interplanetary Party, made up of liberals, screwballs, and disgruntled ex-members of the Organization but actually run by stooges of that Organization, hung out.

  The Boys observed an orderly rotation of officers based on seniority. If you got in at the age of 18, didn’t bolt and didn’t drop dead you’d be president some day. To the party you had to bring loyalty, hard work—not on your payroll job, naturally, but on your electioneering—and cash. You kept bringing cash all your life; salary kickbacks, graft kickbacks, contributions for gold dinner services, tickets to testimonial banquets, campaign chest assignments, widows’ and orphans’ fund contributions, burial insurance, and dues, dues, dues.

  As usual, it was hard to learn who was who. The President of Frostbite was a simple
-minded old boy named Wither-spoon, so far gone in senile decay that he had come to believe the testimonial-banquet platitudes he uttered. You could check him off as a wheelhorse. He was serving the second and last year of his second and last term, and there was a mild battle going on between his Vice-President and the Speaker of the House as to who would succeed him. It was a traditional battle and didn’t mean much; whoever lost would be next in line. When one of the contestants was so old or ill that he might not live to claim his term if he lost, the scrap would be waived in a spirit of good sportsmanship that the voters would probably admire if they ever heard of it.

  Joe Downing was a comer. His sponsorship of me meant more than the friendship of Witherspoon would have. He was Chenery’s ally; they were the leadership of the younger, sportier element. Chenery’s boss Weems was with the older crowd that ate more, talked more, and drank less.

  I had to join a committee before I heard of George, though. That’s the way those things work.

  It was a special committee for organizing a testimonial banquet for Witherspoon on his 40th year in the party. I wound up in the subcommittee to determine a testimonial gift for the old buffer. I knew damned well that we’d be expected to start the subscription for the gift rolling, so I suggested a handsome—and—inexpensive—illuminated scroll with a sentiment lettered on it. The others were scandalized. One fat old woman called me “cheap” and a fat male pay-roller came close to accusing me of irregularity, at which I was supposed to tremble and withdraw my suggestion. I stood on my rights, and wrote a minority report standing up for the scroll while the majority of the subcommittee agreed on an inscribed sterling tea service.

  At the next full committee meeting we delivered our reports and I thought it would come to a vote right away. But it seemed they weren’t used to there being two opinions about anything. They were flustered, and the secretary slipped out with both reports during a five-minute adjournment. He came back and told me, beaming, “Chenery says George liked your idea.” The committee was reconvened and because George likedHmy idea my report was adopted and I was appointed a subcommittee of one to procure the scroll.