by C. L. Donley
“Maybe. I don’t know,” Kevin said as Scott took his turn to shoot, “but what if this is the opportunity? This baby…” Kevin adopted a far off look, shaking his head until his emotion could subside, “babies don’t happen for just no reason, Scott. And that Vegas weekend, I was begging for a miracle. What if this is it?”
Scott nearly teared up at his brother’s naivete. The fact that he could blow a man’s head off but still preserve his innocence really touched him. And also made him wish Lindsey would just get hit by a bus.
“You have to tell her. Like yesterday. You owe Kenya the truth.”
Kevin doubled over and grabbed his guts theatrically.
“Fuck my life, man.”
“You know I’ll support you no matter what, but right now I’m Team Kenya.”
“Me too,” Kevin scoffed. “If someone told me when we were kids that I would have to choose between two gorgeous women…”
“We would’ve wasted a lot more socks.”
“A blonde… and a black woman.”
“A nurse.”
“You’re really into the nurse thing,” Kevin remarked.
“Hello, it’s the uniform.”
“Scott, they retired the sexy nurse outfit in like, 1960.”
“Bro, do you think you could get ‘em to fight?” Scott half whispered, as though afraid the conversation was taped.
Kevin let out a deep breath as he hung his head.
“Actually…” he nodded, “I think I probably could.”
“Damn…” his brother marveled, forlorn.
* * *
“So? Out with it,” Kenya said, “you’re scaring me.”
Kevin had come over on her day off. In the morning rather than the night before. Saying he wasn’t hungry and had to return to work soon.
To say it was out of character was an understatement.
She finished in the kitchen and joined him on the couch.
“I have something to tell you that, well, is pretty fucking terrible actually.”
“Well, I figured that.”
Stupidly, Kenya still didn’t brace herself at all. She couldn’t think of what Kevin could possibly tell her that warranted such a statement. He was a bit of an exaggerator. She couldn’t think of any hopes that he’d be able to dash that she hadn’t already pre-dashed. She remained quiet.
“I got a visit from Lindsey the other day.”
Oh shit what the fuck….
“Uh huh…” Kenya lilted, “and… how is she?”
“Not good. Apparently, she’s broken up with your… with Voldemort.”
She already knew that, but she didn’t let on. She noticed he was referring to Lindsey openly.
So there was only one Voldemort now.
“I see…”
“She uh…. she wants to come home.”
Kenya raised both her eyebrows. She was going to laugh but he was awfully serious.
“And what did you say?”
“I told her that I would think about it.”
Kenya’s eyebrows stayed in a raised state as her eyes looked around, as if waiting for more camera crews.
“Why would you do that? Isn’t she pregnant? By Voldemort?”
“She says it’s mine.”
Kenya could no longer hold back and covered her face with both her hands as she snickered.
“I see. And you believe her.”
“She was pretty unhappy about it when she told me. Why would she lie?”
Kenya leaned forward in her chair in disbelief.
“Because Cecil kicked her to the curb and now she has no place to go?”
His brother had made the same hypothesis.
“Actually, she’s staying with her parents.”
“Woooooow,” Kenya said sarcastically. “Well that changes everything.”
“Look, if she didn’t really want to come back, she could’ve just found some other nitwit to take her in.”
“No, why would she do that, when she’s already groomed a perfectly good one?”
Kevin pursed his lips and gave a quick nod, as if put off by the comment.
“Oh, did I hurt your feelings just now, Kevin?”
Kevin didn’t answer.
“I’m glad to see your backbone is intact when it comes to you and me. Wouldn’t want to cross that line of disrespect.”
“Well this went about as well as I thought it would.”
Kenya wanted to laugh, but was afraid that it would turn her maniacal if she did. No wonder she up and left Cecil. Bet Cecil had no idea what Lindsey was up to now. She simply looked at Kevin.
“So what happens now?”
“What happens is… I decided that… the best thing for me is to… not be with anyone right now, and… maybe once the baby’s born Lindsey and I can… re-evaluate our relationship. Romantically speaking.”
“Uh-huh.”
Kenya had predicted this. Said the exact thing out of her mouth. The minute she comes crying, he would let her right back in.
But she’d said it to air out her own fears of abandonment and inadequacy. She didn’t think he would actually do the exact fuckin’ thing verbatim. He’d practically promised he wouldn’t.
“Obviously, my decision is not emotional. It’s about the right thing. The best thing.”
“So this was what all that hypothetical talk was about the other night?”
“Yes.”
“I wish you would’ve kept it to yourself, Kevin. I wish you would’ve just let me have our…” Kenya shook her head. She couldn’t bear to go on, but the unfinished sentence was worse. The word “our” hung in the hair like the odor of a skunk.
“You like me, Kevin. Don’t you? As a human being?”
Kevin sighed as if Kenya was exhausting him.
“No, seriously. Answer the fuckin’ question.”
“Yes, I do.”
“So if I needed help, you would help me. Right?” Emotion started to overcome her.
“Yes,” he answered.
“Okay,” she began as calmly as she could. “Could you just… tell me what I’m doing wrong? Because… I’m really starting to feel like I’ve had enough of this,” she confessed, the tears rolling down her cheeks. “I think this hurts just bad enough that I’m just… I’m ready to listen, I’m ready to change.”
Kevin shook his head, rubbing his jaw uncomfortably as she continued.
“Am I too honest? Do I work too hard? Did I not ask nicely enough? I mean, I cried too. I cried like I’m crying right now,” she went on, her voice a wavering mess. “Did I give it up too soon? Is it my body? I mean, what do you think it is, Kevin, just tell me. I can take it. I can take any fuckin’ thing. Obviously. I can’t make myself into a white girl, so I have to make do. Just, as a man… tell me what about me makes you entirely unresponsive to me, just when it comes to actual love? And I don’t mean romantic love, I mean, just… the love we give to each other as humans. Food in the belly. A place to sleep. Keeping a promise. How do I get what she has? In your opinion?”
Kevin stared at her through glistening eyes, his jaw tightly clenched. When he was sure she was finished, sure he could speak, he responded.
“This is… brutal. For me,” he replied in a shaky voice, almost a whisper. “But I meant my vows,” he managed to say. He took a moment and then continued.
“‘For better or for worse.’ I have to do the right thing. What I feel is the right thing. If this is my baby, I have to take care of it the best I can. And that way is with its mother.”
“And if it isn’t? Yours?” she answered abruptly. Angrily.
“It is.”
Kenya shook her head, giving a little ironic chuckle and a sniff. She gathered together her composure like a pile of leaves. She took a breath.
“Well. What can I say? You’re a good guy Kevin.”
The sentiment turned his stomach.
“You have every right to be upset.”
“No, I don’t,” she sniffed again. “And I
’m not. Not at you, I mean. Not really. I’m mad at myself,” Kenya dabbed the corner of her eyes. “I wanted to keep things light and this is why. Well…maybe not for this exact hot mess of a reason but…”
“If it were anything else, but this, you know I would never…” his voice waned, his explanation turning to ash in his mouth.
“This is what I get for going against my instincts,” she continued.
“There not a single thing wrong with you. Not a single thing.”
Kenya ignored his comment as she dabbed her eyes again. She straightened her posture.
“You still owe me a fuck. Baby or no baby,” Kenya coarsely asserted, emotionless. Cold. Just like that, he’d been shut out.
He swallowed.
“Kenya…”
“At least keep your word to me,” she guilted him with dark demanding eyes, his conscience pricked. “You owe me.”
It’s not like he didn’t want to. But he was confronted with his newly formed fidelity that he’d been constructing for Lindsey.
It felt wrong how easy it was to tear it back down. He supposed he’d been cheating on her this entire time. His moral compass spun and spun, making him dizzy as Kenya began to unbuckle his belt. He felt nothing resembling passion or lust, nothing but determination from her.
He couldn’t stop her if he tried. As if on cue, his mouth went dry, a phenomenon he’d only experienced with Kenya. He licked his lips, his tongue desperate for water. In an instant he was hard for her, his breath totally lost.
She straddled him, her fluffy robe and night shirt relinquishing the sight of her thick legs. She revealed her panties, parted the fabric to the side and steam nearly came out of his ears. It was the first time they’d had sex without using anything. The last? For the sake of his sanity he put the notion out of his mind.
He could feel her eyes on him, willing him to look into hers, but he was too turned on already. A tad ashamed, besides.
“Look at me,” she demanded, quickening her hip movement as he thrust her.
“No.”
“Say goodbye,” she panted, “I never wanna hear from you after this.”
Shit.
She can’t mean it, he panicked, the realization of what was happening crashing in on him.
Jesus, what had he done? He felt the panic attack coming on.
“Stop,” he said, hyperventilating, “fuck!”
“Shh…look at me,” she whispered this time, slowing her pace, trying to calm him down. “Listen to the birds outside… put your hands on me…” she calmly instructed him. He complied, feeling like a drowning man. His eyes grabbed onto hers for dear life. She found a slow rhythm and gradually he relaxed. He recognized the tactic, part of his PTSD therapy. She was grounding him.
“You smell anything?”
“You.”
She huffed a laugh.
“What are you feeling?”
“Acceptance,” he said, his breath slowing to a crawl. “Love.”
Poor thing, she thought. He really did love her. What was he going to do? He seemed to go head first into things that were known to tear strong men apart. He was either really that brave or just naive.
Damn, she lamented, welling up with tears at the sight of his own glistening eyes. We were so close. So fucking close.
“Kenya…” he moaned, “you feel amazing.”
“Is this best pussy you’ve ever had in your fucking life?” she said aggressively, keeping her pace wickedly slow, using her knees and popping her hips to give him longer pumps. He conceded to her question, equally as aggressive.
“God, I fucking love you,” he whispered the confession, worshipfully, as if to himself.
“So what, asshole,” she gritted her teeth as she moved up and down on his length. His words grated on her sexual high. He was out of his mind right now anyway. For the last two months, it seemed. She should’ve known he wasn’t actually thinking clearly. Even though he’d said he was.
He ran his hands up her tank top, revealing her bra. She watched his eyes. His fingers freed the front clasp and she felt her desire rising. The end was near.
“Am I beautiful, Marine?” she moaned.
“Yes.”
“Say it.”
“You’re beautiful, love.”
Her composure frayed, her emotions mingled as she felt the urge to sob and come at the same time.
“Keep saying it,” she cried as he tongued one of her nipples.
“You’re so beautiful,” he complied.
In the back of her mind she suddenly noticed that she’d never before made demands in bed. Maybe she’d been afraid of being rejected before. She struggled to remember her old train of thought. She felt so free now.
“Again, again,” she demanded, punching herself in the heart as her orgasm rose. Kevin complied, watching her expression morph into what he thought was impending climax.
But the expression didn’t stop there, it became more intense. She gripped his shirt tighter and tighter, her eyes clamped shut, tears freefalling. Her mouth was moving but he couldn’t quite make out her words. Then he heard them.
“You asshole, you asshole…”
Kevin deflated. How could he go on? He couldn’t. He didn’t want to anyway; he didn’t want this to be over. Ever.
“What are you doing, keep going baby,” she whined.
“You’re crying.”
“I’m crying because I need to come.”
“Don’t make me do this,” he whimpered, pleading, “I can’t.”
Kenya collapsed onto his chest as if spent.
“We started this,” she whispered in his ear as she clung to him, “I started this. Now we have to end it.”
He caressed her wet face, finding her lips and kissing them. He’d never seen Kenya so raw and he was a bit overwhelmed. He caressed her thighs up and down and her lips parted, her body responding to his every touch, their breath in sync as he stiffened inside her again.
He had to do what she asked. Even though it tore at him. But he owed her. He owed her so much. And yet, everything she ever demanded from him was so simple, so heartbreakingly simple. The least he could do was give her what was owed to her.
“Hold on to me,” he said, his face turned toward hers.
He slouched a bit in his seat as he used his arms like a jack. Lifting her up a few inches he began to fuck. He firmly gripped the soft flesh of her thighs as his eyes melted closed, his jaw going slack as Kenya’s cries of pleasure flooded the room.
Shit. He could feel his orgasm building furiously.
Not yet. Not yet, fuck not yet, was the last conscious thought he had as Kenya came all over his cock, the agony blooming helplessly into ecstasy for the last time, the ruthless satisfaction that washed over him as he fell, down and down, back to earth.
13
Chapter 13
For the next few days, Kevin lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. A swirl of emotions clouding his mind. None of them positive. Unfathomable guilt and dread hovered closely above him.
He felt like the most wretched, ungrateful man alive.
He’d had his heart poisoned by one woman, then another had cut out the diseased organ and replaced it with a new one. The transplant had been seamless and he felt gratefulness, almost more than the love.
Then he’d gone and rejected it.
Was he a fucking idiot?
The newfound hope and anticipation he’d had with Kenya battled with his obligations he had as a husband and father.
It wasn’t like Lindsey to suffer consequences. She’d done him dirty and now she was paying a high price. Was it all just a relative footnote in what would turn out to be a lasting marriage? She’d had her fun, now he’d had his, and there could be a clean slate?
He tried every moment to find the sign in it, feel around for the bright side, the way the doctor had found that baby’s strong heartbeat. His wife had thrown him for a loop and he simply couldn’t gain his footing. He was a boxer in the ring, getting bli
ndsided by both hope and sorrow.
Just a few months ago, this dilemma was an impossibility. For him it was always Lindsey. They were classmates in high school. When they met again in college, she hadn’t recognized him at all. He’d gone straight to the military and came back starting college in his 20’s, she a senior and he a freshman.
He couldn’t believe it when she’d first turned her attention toward him. He wanted to love her every day alone for that. The way she smiled so bright as they made their plans. The way she’d made love to him on the lake of her parent’s property. He couldn’t believe how his life had opened up.
Gradually it’d turned. He’d taken the most stable, most boring job he could find, after all. She wasn’t going to look at him the same way she did when he was first back from active duty, with a pickup and no responsibilities.
He couldn’t hold her attention anymore. He literally felt it slip away. He got to be a pro about planning outings. Knew just the right combination to keep those sparkling eyes from dimming. But soon even that wasn’t enough.
Then all hell broke loose. And that hell was still fresh. Even moreso after what he’d had to do to Kenya.
As much as it broke his heart, he had to confront the possibility that Kenya was right, that Lindsey was heartless and only using him.
“So, Thanksgiving is coming up,” Lindsey began suspiciously.
Kevin simply nodded.
They were in the waiting room at the Ob/Gyn’s office where they’d again met up. He’d skipped lunch and got off early to make her next appointment three weeks later.
“I thought maybe I could come to the house. Stay the night and then… we could head to my parents’ first.”
Kevin was stunned at the invitation. He honestly hadn’t given much thought to the holidays.
“You don’t have to. I mean… it’s an extra trip for you.”