Another Life

by Sara MacDonald

  The nurse laughed. ‘No. I hear you are jetlagged.’

  ‘I remembered,’ Nell smiled. ‘Poor lovie. You’ve been to Montreal and back. Was it a good conference? Those Fine Art thingies are usually good fun and interesting, too.’

  ‘I’ll leave you girls to gossip.’ The nurse had touched Nell’s arm gently. ‘Ring if you need anything, Nell.’

  ‘It was wonderfully organized. It was fun, lots of interesting people. Lucinda came of course, and Issy.’

  ‘How is that little Issy?’

  ‘She’s fine, travels like a little pro.’

  Nell reached for Gabby’s hand. ‘And did you meet any of Mark’s family, Gabby?’

  Gabby folded Nell’s papery hand between her own. ‘Nell, I’m frightened of tiring you by talking too much.’

  ‘If I fall asleep suddenly, you’ll have to forgive me, it will not be disinterest, just the morphine, but Gabby I so want to hear all your news.’

  ‘I met Nereh again, she was the one who turned up at my door in London. And I met Inez and her two children. Nell, Issy is so like Nereh. She’s small, dark and vivacious with masses of wild curly hair … Inez is much fairer. Then …’

  ‘What?’ Nell asked opening her eyes.

  ‘Well, it was rather odd. Veronique suddenly came to the hotel we were staying in. I was completely thrown. I knew Mark’s daughters were curious … but, there was a knock at the bedroom door and there she was. I knew immediately who she was, she was so French and elegant. I think it was Issy she really wanted to see.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘She told me she had known in her heart that Mark was having an affair but chose to ignore it. She did not think there was any danger of him leaving her. She said she wanted to see what sort of woman could take him from his family.’

  ‘She was hostile?’

  ‘Just very cold, at first, as if I deserved to have her presence imposed in my own hotel room. Issy helped. She went to her as if she was a bosom friend and Veronique melted. I thought she was going to cry.

  ‘“It’s like Nereh all over again,” she said. “The child most like Mark, the one he adored most; he couldn’t help it.”’

  Nell had closed her eyes, leant back against the pillows. ‘Don’t stop talking. Please go on. I want to hear everything, lovie.’

  ‘Well, she stared at me a lot and I imagined her thinking if it hadn’t been for the figurehead, Mark would still be with her, might still be alive.’

  ‘Like that film with Paltrow? Sliding Doors or something?’

  Gabby smiled. ‘Something like that, Nell! She said suddenly and fiercely, looking at Issy, “This child is part of Mark, part of us. We are her roots, her extended family. It is important she grows up knowing about us for we were the greater part of her father’s life. There is so much that only his family can tell her.”’

  Nell opened her eyes. ‘Ouch!’

  ‘Yes. I said lamely that I was so sorry that I had hurt her. She softened slightly. Said, “I hurt myself. I was grossly overweight when he was alive and I immersed myself in my children’s lives. I still do. But I wish Mark could see me now; thin and running my own little school.” Then she hugged Issy and left. At the door she said, ‘“I’m glad Nereh sought you out. I’m glad you’ve become friends, it’s a link for Mark’s daughter.” And she was gone.’

  Nell’s lips were dry and Gabby held the glass to her mouth. Two feverish circles coloured her cheeks. Nell was making a supreme effort for Gabby.

  ‘Sleep now, darling, or I’ll tire you out. Charlie is coming later.’

  Nell had said, her eyes as piercing as ever they were, ‘Roots. They are important to you, too. Are you glad Issy will have this family to refer to or do you feel threatened?’

  ‘I’m glad, Nell. I want her to know exactly where she comes from and who her family are, at least on her father’s side.’

  ‘You are all right, lovie? You are in the right life? I so want you to be happy.’

  In the right life? Some nights when the wind sounded like the sea, she longed for the farm, for the cove, for Nell and a life she had once had, but memory was selective and threw up only the happy things, buried the rest.

  She said slowly, ‘A package came some months ago from an aunt in America. She never got to post it. Her solicitor sent it on when she died. She had to come back to England when her sister – my mother – died, to see to her affairs, and she found all these letters, Nell, from herself, written to me when I was a child. Clara had hidden every one. I could only bear to read a few. Bella had offered me a life in America with her and I never knew … Sliding doors again! All the hundreds of lives we might have led …’

  Nell had reached for her hand and Gabby smiled and said, ‘I’m fine, darling. I’m living a different, city life, but I have good friends and I love my work. I’ve just always missed you so very much.’

  ‘You’re here now. How good it is. Bliss.’ And Nell slept.

  Gabby had gone out into the lifeless garden. In a field a bonfire was being stacked with wood and old orange boxes. A limp Guy Fawkes sat on the top.

  When she had returned to the room, someone had put a little table by her chair with a knife and fork and something to eat. As if they knew that now she was here she was not going to leave Nell, not for a moment.

  ‘Look, Nell,’ Charlie had said. ‘Look who’s here.’

  Josh put his head round the door. ‘Hello, Trouble!’ he said to Nell.

  Nell beamed and held her hand out to him. ‘Josh! What are you doing here?’

  He hugged her carefully. ‘I’ve got some leave and who would I come and see but you?’

  Gabby saw Josh’s shock at Nell’s appearance but he hid it well. He produced freesias. ‘I hope you still like these, Nell. I couldn’t find anemones.’

  ‘They smell wonderful, thank you, Josh.’

  Josh sat on the bed.

  ‘Tell me your news,’ Nell said.

  ‘Well, I’ve just bought a very expensive sports car to explore the island in … I bought it just to frighten you along the lanes when I get home, so you’d better get out of here fast.’

  ‘What colour?’ Nell asked, playing along.

  ‘Silver. And the hood slides down like a dream, at the press of a button. I will even let you drive it …’

  ‘Big of you,’ Nell said in her old voice, and Josh laughed.

  Gabby and Charlie went out into the garden to leave them alone. They walked along the fence between the garden and the field in silence.

  Josh sat in the chair, fighting not to let his feelings show on his face.

  Nell said gently, ‘Don’t be sad, lovie. Please don’t be sad.’

  Josh couldn’t speak. He took a deep shaky breath and put his hand over his mouth.

  Nell took his hand. ‘Josh, listen. If it makes it easier, think of that poem, you know … something about being in the next room …’

  ‘Nell, you hate tracts like that.’ Josh grinned, despite himself.

  ‘I know I do. But death seems so final to the young and the thought of being in the next room is somehow comforting. For me, too. I like to think of myself near you through your life. A room you can walk into sometimes when you miss me.’

  ‘Nell, I can’t imagine a world without you in it.’

  ‘I know, lovie, but I can’t last forever, even for you. Now tell me, how are you really?’

  ‘I’m pretty busy. I love Cyprus. I still love flying, but … I wish Marika would marry me.’

  ‘Tell me about that lovely girl?’

  ‘She comes out to see me. We can’t seem to stay apart. In fact we are sharing a house in Kyrenia at the moment. But she won’t marry me.’

  Nell had closed her eyes. ‘I want you to make it all right with Gabby, Josh. I love you both so much.’

  ‘I do write, well, postcards and things. We do sometimes talk on the phone …’

  ‘You have a little half-sister. Two parents who love you and a girlfriend, I think
, who waits for you to do the right thing.’

  Josh said slowly, ‘I will make it all right, Nell. I promise.’

  ‘I’m glad. I’m going to have a little snooze, lovie. Will I see you tomorrow?’

  ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily,’ Josh said, getting up.

  Charlie put his head round the door. ‘Is there anything you need, Nell?’

  ‘No, Charlie, bless you. You get back to the milking. Love to the family …’

  ‘Are you all right?’ Charlie had asked Gabby at the door of the Land Rover. ‘I mean you can come back and stay at the farm. You look all in.’

  ‘Charlie, do you mind if I stay with Nell? I want to. I’m not stepping on toes, am I?’

  ‘Of course not. Gabby, I can’t bear to see her like this. I can’t cope with it.’

  Josh said, ‘Gabby, I could stay with you. I don’t mind at all.’

  ‘No, Josh. Go with Charlie and keep him company. Come back in the morning. If there’s any change I’ll ring you both.’

  Josh had looked down on her, hesitated and then opened his arms to his mother, and they had held each other for a long, long time in the cold November afternoon with the faint smell of bonfires.

  That night Gabby had lain on the bed next to Nell. Nell had been sleeping for a long time and every now and then a nurse came in and checked her. She woke once and whispered in the dark, ‘Are you there, Gabby?’

  ‘I’m here.’ Gabby moved off the bed to her side.

  ‘Peter came to see me.’

  ‘That was nice, Nell.’

  ‘He was so upset, Gabby. Could you tell him when you see him that it’s quite all right?’

  ‘What is, darling?’

  Nell was silent, gone again into her own little world. Then she said, ‘I was terribly in love with him. He left me for a man.’ Nell smiled bleakly. ‘I guess I married Ted on the rebound. All a long time ago.’

  Gabby was astonished. Peter! She had never even thought of him as gay, just aesthetic, an academic. Nell and Peter, lovers!

  ‘We were so close. We did everything together. In those days he had a wonderful sardonic sense of humour … great fun. He could never be doing with the camp gays. He thought it wasn’t dignified. I don’t think, in a way, he really enjoyed or quite accepted being gay … Why am I talking too much … it must be the drugs.’

  ‘He broke your heart, Nell?’

  ‘He broke my silly heart. Never tell Charlie.’

  ‘Of course not. I wish he hadn’t hurt you.’

  ‘I don’t. It would be a terrible thing never to know love or passion for another human being, wouldn’t it?’

  She opened her eyes and looked at Gabby.

  ‘Yes,’ Gabby said. ‘Like being half-alive.’

  Nell smiled. ‘Exactly! My wonderful Gabby. Let’s both sleep for a while.’

  Gabby lay back on the bed. Outside, she could hear the wind through the trees and every now and then the moon appeared from clouds in the gap in the curtains. Inside, all was hushed. Soft voices somewhere. Rubber soles in the corridors. Every now and then a nurse appeared to monitor the other two women in the room as well as Nell.

  With Nell gone there would be no excuse to come back. A door would shut. A light would go out. A huge chunk of her life would end. Nell. She could not even remember a time before Nell. Gabby longed to wail like the lost child she had been, Don’t die, Nell. Don’t die and leave me.

  She had been woken by a noise and was off the bed and beside Nell in an instant. In the light from the corridor she saw Nell was trying to say something.

  ‘What is it, darling? Are you in pain?’

  Nell couldn’t answer. Gabby looked into her eyes and saw fear. She pressed the bell. ‘Nell, it’s all right. It’s all right …’

  Nell’s mouth was working and Gabby bent closer. ‘Always … loved … you,’ Nell breathed.

  ‘Oh, Nell. Oh, Nell.’

  The young nun bent to Nell. ‘Hello, Nell … let’s take your pulse. All right sweetheart, let’s give you a little injection to ease the pain.’

  They watched Nell’s body relax as the morphine took hold. The nun drew Gabby to the door. ‘I’ll ring her son. It’s a matter of hours now.’

  ‘But she’s been so chatty all today … it can’t be …’

  ‘Gabrielle, I don’t know how she has gone on this long. She has made a supreme effort for you. Let her go gently now … She has been so brave.’

  Gabby pressed her hand to her mouth and went back to the bed. The nun hurried out to ring Charlie. When she returned she whispered to Gabby, ‘I am just across the room.’

  Gabby took Nell’s hand. It was hot and dry and each breath seemed to take forever. Nell’s eyes suddenly opened. She leant forward and tried to say something again and Gabby was desperate to understand. The nun came and held Nell, bent to her again …

  ‘Well,’ was the only word Gabby could make out, then Nell’s eyes closed and she leant back on the pillow and the awful laboured breathing started up again.

  ‘Can she hear me?’ Gabby asked.

  ‘I don’t know, dear. Talk to her all the same.’

  Gabby talked about Charlie and the farm, about Josh and all the funny and good moments they had all shared. And then she prayed for the awful rattling breathing to stop. She didn’t want Charlie to see this. She stroked Nell’s hand and rocked, whispered over and over like a mantra, ‘I love you, Nell. I love you. I love you, Nell … I love you so, so much …’

  And suddenly the breathing stopped and the room was silent. Gabby looked at the hand between her own and could not let it go.

  The nun said gently, ‘It’s over, Gabrielle. It’s over, my dear.’

  And still Gabby could not relinquish Nell’s hand. She laid her cheek on the hand and the tears poured out of her. Her body shook with grief. Nell. Nell. Nell.

  She watched Nell’s face change and the light go out of it. Nell gone.

  Infinitely gently, the nun had eased her hand away and had held her, had led her into another room. She had let her weep until she was exhausted, then she had said gently, ‘Gabrielle, did you hear what Nell was trying to say?’

  Gabby had shaken her head.

  ‘It’s from St Julian of Norwich. “All will be well. All will be well and all manner of things will be well.”’

  All will be well. All will be well and all manner of things will be well.

  Gabby looked down again at the farm. The walled garden was neglected again. Small garments hung on the line. Tricycles and bicycles and carts lay around the yard among bantams that no longer had names. It was hard to believe that Nell was no longer there.

  She walked on down the lane. A small girl ran out of the back door to her tricycle. Soon the dark car would arrive and fill the yard. A page turned some time ago. Other lives were being lived on the farm now.

  Charlie was married again, to Sarah, and had two little daughters and another life. She saw Josh come out to look for her. He took her arm, hugged her.

  ‘It’s goodbye to Nell, Gab.’

  ‘Yes, darling, it’s so hard to believe.’

  Charlie came out and bent to kiss Gabby, held on to her hand.

  ‘Nell. So much a part of our lives, wasn’t she?’

  ‘She was. Charlie …’ Gabby hesitated, ‘… I don’t regret a minute of that life.’

  His sad face lit up. ‘Don’t you, really?’

  ‘No, I don’t. It was a life we all led together.’

  Josh moved nearer and put his arm round his father.

  ‘Dad, Nell would hate us to greet her like a trio of wet ducks.’

  They turned and watched the black coffin coming slowly up the rutted lane. It turned, and they prepared to follow it on foot to the little village church that overlooked the cove from the headland.

  Gabby and Josh walked together behind Charlie, Sarah and the twins, and they suddenly saw, as they walked, the people from the village coming from all directions for miles and miles to say goodb
ye to Nell. Charlie, choked, turned automatically for Gabby, to hold on to the last vestige of a life he had lost, for the careless chance of a love he had wasted.

  Gabby walked with her arm firmly round him and Josh. She knew once she was gone Charlie would return to the life he now had; to the plump, uncomplicated wife and the children he had now and loved. He would once more be content. Nell had gone and all their lives had moved on. Life did move on … whether we liked it or not. Yet Gabby, too, with the warmth of Charlie’s arm against hers, had a sense of a life just missed.

  When Josh and Gabby arrived back in the London house it was late, but they saw the lights from the downstairs rooms shining out over the river.

  Two faces were looking out for them. One fair-haired, one dark. The front door was thrown open and Isabella Hannah came running down the steps in her pyjamas to Gabby.

  ‘Mummy, Mummy, I’ve made a drawing to make you not sad, look, look.’

  They went inside and Josh kissed the pregnant Marika.

  ‘Hello, how are you both?’

  ‘We are both hugely well.’ She went to hug Gabby. ‘Was it very sad?’

  ‘It was sad and wonderful … Nell’s send off.’

  ‘Nell would have been highly amused,’ Josh told her.

  ‘I’m afraid I could not keep your daughter in bed,’ Marika said.

  ‘Come on, darling, it’s very late.’

  ‘But … there’s no school tomorrow, it’s Sunday.’

  ‘Then you’ll be too tired to go to the Eye with us. Ha! I thought that might make little madam nip up the stairs smartish …’

  Josh grinned at Gabby. ‘I’m whacked, let’s all go to bed.’

  ‘Shall I bring you up some tea?’ Marika asked Gabby.

  ‘Bless you!’ said Gabby and thought suddenly, I sound like Nell!

  She tucked Issy in and the child said sleepily, ‘Stay with me till I sleep, Mummy … Do you know what?’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘I am going to be Mikka’s bridesmaid.’

  ‘How wonderful, darling!’

  Gabby lay down beside her in the glow of her small night-light, and the child turned as she always did, thumb in her mouth, with the other hand running her small fingers over the birds and small animals carved on the little chest she insisted on having by her bed. It had been in Josh’s room and now it was here, in London.