Yield

by Ashling, Mickie B.

  “I had no business looking at Sami in the first place.”

  “Is Sami his real name?”

  “Yes.”

  “Taking a vow of chastity doesn’t automatically turn you into a eunuch. I’m not making light of your dilemma, Jay, and having been in your shoes, I certainly understand the need for human contact.”

  “I’ve been a priest for years and have succeeded in avoiding temptation.”

  “No one breaks their vows intentionally.”

  “But now I’m a repeat offender.”

  “Was Sami your first?”

  “Yes.”

  “Look, I’m not here to forgive or condemn. All I can do is offer a sympathetic ear and make suggestions based on my own experience.”

  “What about your boyfriend?” I asked. “He won’t be as forgiving.”

  “Whatever you tell me in confidence will remain between us, although I have to say Ethan will be on your side once he learns the truth. He doesn’t tolerate abuse of any kind.”

  “Maybe so, but the fewer people who know the better.”

  “Ethan is a doctor,” Rino reminded me. “He’s bound by a code of ethics as stringent as a priest’s.”

  “Nonetheless…I would prefer you keep this to yourself.”

  “All right,” Rino agreed. “What else can you tell me about Sami?”

  “I’ve been questioning my vocation for a while. In fact, it’s the main reason I was in Europe. I spent a month at a spiritual retreat searching for answers, but when I laid eyes on Sami at the airport, my resolve evaporated. A part of me hoped he’d make a move because I was physically attracted. My interest in him grew by the hour. He took charge from the beginning, and his commanding presence cranked my chain for whatever reason. He didn’t force my hand, Rino. I fell hard and fast.”

  “You were drawn to his dominant personality?”

  “Among other things.”

  “Did he know you were a priest?”

  “Not at the time. I did admit I was inexperienced, and the idea of popping my cherry might have been a huge attraction.”

  “He didn’t hurt you?”

  “No. It was the best three days of my life.”

  “Then what?”

  “He wanted to see me after we got back to the Bay Area, but I refused without providing a good explanation. I think his pride was hurt and he got angry.”

  “Did the beatings start soon after?”

  I shook my head. “I assumed the relationship was over since we didn’t exchange contact information. He must have looked through my suitcase while I was in the shower. It doesn’t take a master spy to sneak a peek at a passport when it’s lying out in the open. I’m such an idiot.”

  “An inexperienced man like you only sees the good in other people.”

  “You’re being too generous,” I retorted. “There’s a difference between inexperience and ignorance. We’d had a perfect interlude, and I was afraid the truth would put a damper on the moment. Sami sent his sister after me a few days later. I had no idea they were connected. She begged for help, claiming her brother suffered from PTSD and the doctors at the VA advocated a support group. Esme was convinced a parish priest might be more beneficial than a handful of antidepressants and a group hug.”

  “I would have been touched by her plight.”

  “There wasn’t a moment’s hesitation on my part.”

  “What happened next?”

  “We walked to a luxurious apartment building close to the Mark Hopkins Hotel. She chattered along the way, giving me some background on her brother. He recently returned from Afghanistan, she’d said, a highly decorated soldier who’d managed to navigate three tours without getting killed. Now he was struggling to pick up the pieces of his life.”

  “Did he leave the military willingly?” Rino asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  Looking puzzled, Rino pressed, “Didn’t you ask for more details?”

  “No.”

  “Go on.”

  “I walked into the meeting with Captain Samael Soros—the man I knew as Sami—completely unprepared. I could tell he was disgusted by my cassock. I know now I was wrong in concealing my profession before we separated at the airport.”

  “A mistake you’ve obviously paid for.”

  “Heavily,” I admitted. “He didn’t smile when he laid eyes on me. What he did do was turn to his sister and ask her to leave us alone.”

  “And the plot thickens.”

  “The minute she walked out, Sami gave me his full attention, and my body reacted the way it did the first time. I was aroused and this frightened me beyond measure. My brain switched to a fight-or-flight mode. I warned him not to come any closer.”

  “What did he do?” Rino asked.

  “He lifted an eyebrow and sneered.”

  “You should have walked right out.”

  “I did.”

  Rino leaned forward. “You can’t stop now, Jay. What happened next?”

  “He sent Esme after me the next day.”

  “And you returned to his house?”

  “More than once.”

  I avoided Rino’s eyes, but he pulled me back with another question. “Did you resume a sexual relationship?”

  “Yes.”

  “So…let me get this straight. You and Sami have an ongoing thing.”

  I nodded.

  “What else can you tell me about this man?”

  “His specialty is human intelligence collection—a politically correct term for interrogator.”

  “I see.”

  “I didn’t know what it meant until he explained in graphic detail. It was chilling. Esme said Sami’s job destroyed his humanity, and a man of God might bring him back from the depths of hell.”

  “I think you’re being unrealistic, Jay.”

  “Don’t you believe in the power of prayer?”

  “Of course I do, but I’m sure a psychiatrist is better equipped to handle PTSD. Did Sami ask for spiritual guidance, or was he using his position in the army to elicit sympathy and eventually get you back into his bed?”

  “I believe his motives were pure until the devil took over.”

  Rino started. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” I challenged. “He’s taken hold of Sami. Why else would he revert from a considerate lover to an abusive asshole?”

  “Whoa,” Rino exclaimed softly. “Blaming Sami’s behavior—and yours, since you were a willing participant—on demonic possession is taking this crisis of faith to another level. I’ve been in the religious community enough to know the lengths one can go to rationalize a personal failing. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you a true possession is difficult to prove. You’d have to go back and confront him to get more evidence, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea. The next time you let him touch you might be the last. Hasn’t it occurred to you that Sami is mentally unbalanced, and the devil has nothing to do with it?”

  “He’s a good man at heart,” I blurted. “If I tell him I didn’t give him up to the cops, he might let me back in his life.”

  “In what capacity?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  The incredulous look on Rino’s face gave me pause. Had I fucked up by twisting the facts and embellishing the truth? Throwing the devil into my narrative had been a spur-of-the-moment thing and Rino was understandably confused. My spontaneous improvisation was making the situation worse instead of better. Whatever feelings I had for Sami would have to stay close to the cuff if I wanted Rino’s continued support.

  “You know what, Rino? The drugs are making me loopy. I don’t know what I’m saying or doing anymore.”

  “I understand,” he commiserated. “You’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep.”

  “I’m sure you’re right.”

  “May I ask you a few more questions before you retire?”

  “Okay.”

  More than ever, I was sorry I’d opened Pandora’s box. I should have stuck with my
original story, so Rino would stop looking at me like I’d grown a second head. It was imperative he sympathize, or I’d be moving to a motel tomorrow.

  “Did Esme put a gun to your head to make you go back for seconds?”

  “Not at all. She asked me to be compassionate rather than jump to conclusions.”

  “A cry for help is difficult to ignore.”

  “I know how this sounds,” I admitted. “You must think I’m crazy.”

  “Or Esme is a great motivational speaker.”

  “My return visit had more to do with Sami than Esme.”

  “You’re in love with him?”

  “I can’t say for sure.”

  “Unbridled lust,” Rino suggested. “Or a little of both?”

  “All I know is Sami deserved an explanation, plus I hadn’t paid him back for the upgrade.”

  “Did you settle your debt?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  My pulse quickened. The lies were taking on a life of their own, unscripted, and dragging me down into a hellish pit with no relief in sight.

  “I couldn’t justify the expense and I have no money of my own.”

  “I see. Was he upset?”

  “No.”

  Admitting Sami was unexpectedly gracious and insisted the upgrade was a gift might throw suspicion on me and I couldn’t risk it. Things would go better if I remained the victim.

  “Were you intent on resuming the relationship?”

  “I didn’t think it was an option.”

  “Hoping he’d make a move?”

  “Maybe a part of me was longing for a repeat. I told you I’m hooked on the guy. I must really have my father’s flawed DNA.”

  “Let’s leave your father out of this. Did Sami jump your bones when you crossed over the threshold?”

  “I remember being apprehensive, but he appeared different on this occasion, less predatory and needier.” God, what am I saying! Sami is as needy as a pit bull.

  “Go on,” Rino prompted.

  “It made me wonder if I’d been too quick to judge. Maybe he was a lost soul seeking my help. He told me how it got harder and harder to distance himself from the people he’d interrogated. They blunted his emotions, and long walks in the desert were restorative.”

  And if Rino were to meet Sami, he’d know the man would sooner fuck a cactus than resort to meditation.

  “Is this when he mentioned the devil?”

  I nodded.

  “He talked about apparitions?”

  “Yes.”

  “Extreme temperature can play tricks on your mind,” Rino said helpfully.

  “I’m not an expert so I can’t confirm your theory.”

  “Don’t you think it’s possible Sami pushed himself beyond human endurance?”

  Now was the time to come clean, but I couldn’t do it without tarnishing the rest of the story. “In retrospect, you might be right. Sami could have been dehydrated and seeing things.”

  Rino nodded, looking relieved.

  I’m a lying sack of shit.

  “But it doesn’t absolve me, Rino. I’m the first person Sami has allowed into his life in a long time, and I broke his trust immediately.”

  “Your deception angered him.”

  “Infuriated him,” I stressed. “There were several opportunities to come clean and I didn’t take them.”

  “Is his emotional drought the main reason he left the army?”

  “Apparently.”

  “I don’t know much about interrogators other than what I’ve seen on TV or read in books, but I can surmise he was chosen because he had the right skills.”

  “We didn’t go into the nuts and bolts of his methods, just the devastating results on his emotions. I was lulled by his repentant demeanor, and I accepted his offer to partake of the small meal Esme had thoughtfully prepared for us.”

  “And?”

  I should go to Hollywood and become a screenwriter.

  “He must have slipped something into my coffee because the room started to spin, and he insisted I lie down on the sofa. The rest was an erotic dream.”

  “He raped you?”

  I begged him to fuck me!

  “I’m not…sure,” I stammered. “All I remember is floating around in a place where touch and taste were magnified. It was pleasurable so I embraced it.”

  “They must have drugged you.”

  “Perhaps,” I agreed. “I’m afraid I didn’t investigate at the time—”

  “Because you went back for more,” Rino cut me off.

  “Yes.”

  “When did you realize something was amiss?”

  “I started finding cuts and bruises I couldn’t account for, and…other parts of my body were uncommonly sore.”

  “Why didn’t you see a doctor?”

  Because none of this is true! I combed back my hair with shaky fingers. “A part of me didn’t want these erotic dreams to end. Subconsciously, I was aware of an element of evil surrounding my visits to the mansion, but it was eclipsed by the pleasure.”

  “Were you always drugged, or did it taper off at some point?”

  “You could say it dwindled as I grew more comfortable in his presence. Once Sami realized I was addicted to the sex, drugs were no longer necessary.”

  There were never any drugs involved.

  “Can you describe what he did to you?”

  “No.”

  “Was he tender or rough?”

  I didn’t reply.

  “How about restraints?” Rino persisted. “Were you tied up at any point while he was having his way with you? And what of Esme? Did she participate, or was she there to observe? More importantly, were there others in the group? How many people had sex with you while you were on drugs?”

  I couldn’t look him in the eye and sought escape. Easing off the sofa, I took a few steps toward the door before he caught me by the hand.

  “Come back here,” Rino said gently. “I can’t help if you walk away.”

  I returned to the sofa and curled up into a ball. Rino inched closer, and I began shaking, disgusted by this turn of events. I’d vowed to stick to the truth, and it had gone off the rails almost immediately. I was beyond redemption and the familiar tears poured down my face. Rino embraced me, compounding my guilt, and I broke down and sobbed.

  Chapter 8

  Shutting the bedroom door, Rino went to grab a bottle of beer before settling on the sofa. He needed the alcohol to calm down after such an intense conversation.

  What in the hell was going on? Jay had been painfully honest—until he brought the devil into his narrative. Rino felt the slight shift in his body language, and he was astute enough to know a priest in crisis would do or say anything to cover his tracks. But something about his reaction had triggered Jay’s survival skills, and the backpedaling that followed was pathetically transparent.

  If this Soros guy was emotionally stunted by his role as interrogator, there was no telling what he’d do if given another chance. His job had been to break the enemy, make them bend to his will, so wouldn’t this skill set carry over to his civilian life? You couldn’t turn off that sort of compulsion with a wish or a switch. It would take years of therapy to ease back into the real world, and if the damage was too extensive, it might not happen at all. Jay didn’t have the right personality or the proper credentials to survive Sami’s manipulative nature.

  Jay was welcome to stay, but he had to take responsibility for his part in this forbidden relationship. He was in over his head, and asking for help was a good move, but owning up to the truth was central to his recovery—as a priest, if he remained in the order, or a functioning adult, if he walked away.

  Ethan would know how to handle this new information. Although Jay might see it as a betrayal if Rino called in reinforcements, it was the right move for a multitude of reasons, and he had to figure out how to make it happen without breaking his promise.

  Rino took another gulp of beer when Ethan�
�s text appeared on his screen.

  Can u play?

  The last couple of hours had been emotionally draining, and Rino wasn’t in the mood for sex games. He must have waited too long to reply because his phone chimed, and he swiped accept before it rang a second time.

  “Can you hear me?” Rino whispered.

  “Yeah. Is everything okay?” Ethan asked worriedly.

  “I’m fine, but I don’t want to wake Jay.”

  “Where is he?”

  “In bed. I just gave him a sleeping pill, plus there’s a wall between us.”

  “So you’re golden. What’s the problem, sugar?”

  Rino was torn. Did he lie to the man he loved—and trusted above all others—or hold back on a few key points. Regardless of the circumstances, a promise, once made, was sacrosanct. If he focused on the religious dilemma and left out Sami’s name, background, and true relationship to Jay, he might circumvent a betrayal.

  “Jay asked me earlier if I believed in the devil,” Rino stated.

  “What in tarnation….”

  “Exactly what I thought when he started talking, but I wanted to keep an open mind. He believes he’s up against a preternatural force rather than a common criminal.”

  “Why?”

  “The details are sketchy at the moment, but he’s more inclined to blame the devil than take responsibility for his actions.”

  “What do you think?”

  “We’re dealing with a sexually frustrated man who is fostering delusions to excuse his fall from grace.”

  “Sounds about right. As much as I love you and respect your beliefs, there’s no point in trying to convince me the devil is the bad guy here. I believe Jay has fallen into the usual trap set out by online predators.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  “Good,” Ethan said. “How can I help?”

  “I’d like to spend another night with him to try to get more information.”

  “No.”

  “Please, Ethan?”

  “We’ve already had this discussion, and I won’t change my mind.”

  “I have a bad feeling about his situation,” Rino confided. “Jay’s leaving pieces out of his story. What if he goes back to confront the guy? He might get hurt again or worse.”

  “What makes you think he’s omitting information?”