Yield

by Ashling, Mickie B.

  Ethan silently prepared and administered both injections, then put his medical paraphernalia away. His demeanor was professional, but barely disguised fury radiated off him in waves, reminding me a lot of Sami. Come to think of it, Ethan shared many traits with my now-defunct lover. They were both capable at their chosen profession but controlling. Is it why Rino and I got along so well? Were we both submissive men? It was food for thought I’d have to ponder at a later date, but for now, I had to do something to back up Rino who’d been a standup guy after all.

  “Please don’t take this out on Rino, Ethan. I made him swear to keep my secret.”

  “Our business is none of your concern,” he answered stiffly. “He and I need to go over a few rules to avoid this sort of thing in the future.”

  “He shouldn’t have to suffer on my account.”

  “I’m not in the habit of beating up my partner,” Ethan replied. “Maybe it’s your scene, but not ours.”

  “Eth, please,” Rino begged. “Why don’t we let him explain?”

  I waited for his reply, but Ethan silently helped Rino to his feet and relocated him to the sofa, positioning throw pillows so his injured leg was slightly elevated. Then he sat down and laid his arm over his shoulders; Rino slumped against him in relief. Whatever tension I’d started between the lovers was on hold for now.

  “Full disclosure,” Ethan said. “Hired security made the decision to barge in on Sami. They recognized him from their tours in Afghanistan and were aware of his reputation. They worried you might be in over your head.”

  “It was a severe breach of our privacy,” I protested.

  “I agree and would like to formally apologize.” One of the men who’d subdued me spoke up. “I should have called it in before making a move, but I acted on instinct. Captain Soros has a reputation—”

  “What kind of reputation?” I asked, wanting to learn more about Sami’s past.

  “He was dammed good at his job as interrogator, but his methods were questionable at best. Everyone gave him a wide berth, including his fellow officers and NCOs. They called him the Hun behind his back.”

  “Why?”

  “I dunno,” Bobby said, shrugging. “I think it has something to do with his surname and ruthless behavior. More importantly, we didn’t know he was gay, and despite the occasional rumor, it was never confirmed. Whoever he used to get his rocks off never betrayed him. Ethan said you’d been assaulted, and we assumed it was at his hands.”

  “Completely unfair,” I said angrily. “Your assumption has created a terrible rift I might not be able to repair.”

  “If anyone is at fault, it’s you.” Ethan glared at me, and for a second, I was afraid he’d follow up his statement with a well-deserved punch, but he took a deep breath instead.

  “It’s complicated,” I said by way of apology.

  “You want to tell us what’s really going on with you and this guy?” Ethan asked.

  I repeated the same story I told Father Spencer and stuttered when it came to my level of commitment.

  “Christ almighty,” Ethan muttered.

  “I understand your need to keep it under wraps,” Rino interjected, “but you shouldn’t have lied. I stuck my neck out for you and deserved honesty.”

  I had nothing to say in my defense so I kept my mouth shut.

  “All this time—since your first hookup in Chicago—you’ve been in a consensual relationship?” Ethan probed.

  “Yes.”

  “The drugs and seduction were all fabricated?” Rino interjected.

  “You must have guessed if you had me followed.”

  “A yes or no answer is all we require,” Ethan boomed. The fury was justified but terrifying nonetheless.

  I nodded.

  “And what about Esme?” Rino asked. “Does she even exist?”

  “His sister is actually a good person.”

  “My God,” Rino exclaimed. “Who assaulted you?”

  “A couple of randoms who wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

  “Sami wasn’t involved in any way?”

  “We had a fight earlier that evening, but it was more verbal than physical. Apart from my split lip, Sami had nothing to do with my major injuries.”

  “You’ve made him sound far worse than he is,” Rino accused.

  “It’s what I do.”

  “Why?”

  “All my life, I’ve been led to believe I was a mistake. My adoptive parents made me feel lesser because I had inappropriate sexual feelings. It was always easier to blame someone else for my missteps. This way, I could say I had nothing to do with it when I succumbed to temptation.”

  “Jesus Fucking Christ,” Ethan spat out. “You’re certifiable.”

  Rino put a finger on his mouth. “Hush, angel. This is not helping.”

  Ethan looked abashed and kissed Rino’s palm before continuing to investigate. “All right. Let’s drop the bullshit and try some honesty for a change. What are your feelings for Sami?”

  “I…love him.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “I’m a priest and shouldn’t be entertaining such thoughts. Apart from this gigantic hurdle, our relationship isn’t the kind I’m used to seeing on the big screen or reading about in romance novels. What we do together is abnormal, more suited for the black web than real life.”

  Ethan leaned forward. “Is this the main issue? You’re having kinky sex and can’t wrap your head around it? You lie to change the narrative from consensual to rape?”

  “I’m not comfortable talking about this in a room filled with strangers.”

  Ethan gestured at the three men standing by the door. “These guys are in charge of security at a BDSM club. They’ve pretty much seen and heard it all. A couple of them are into the scene.”

  “What scene?”

  “Christ, you’re such a greenhorn.”

  “Sorry?”

  “What Ethan’s trying to say,” Rino offered, “is you’re inexperienced.”

  “I never said otherwise.”

  “I’m referring to your kinky sex,” Ethan said tiredly. “It’s late, and Rino needs to rest. Are you planning to stay, or will you run off again? I’m asking because you should return the gun to its rightful owner. He’s probably wondering what the hell happened to his weapon.”

  “I’ll call Sami and let him know I’ll return the gun tomorrow. Then I’m going to my superiors and make a full confession. They’ll want me gone as soon as possible.”

  “Aren’t they going to offer you a second chance?” Ethan asked.

  “I don’t want to stay.”

  “Smartest thing you’ve said all night.”

  “Go me.”

  “Do you want moral support tomorrow?” Rino asked. “I’ll take the day off and accompany you if you like.”

  “You’re in no condition to go anywhere tomorrow,” Ethan said sternly.

  “Stop making this bigger than it is,” Rino grumbled.

  “A gunshot isn’t a scraped knee, sugar. You can have complications.”

  “Under normal circumstances, I’d bow to your medical expertise, but you’ve given me the shots to prevent infection, so your argument doesn’t hold water. If I were in Jay’s shoes, I would welcome any support.”

  “We need to have a serious conversation,” Ethan muttered, running his hand through his chestnut hair.

  “I’m sorry, Eth. I know I’m crossing the line, but I can’t let him go by himself.”

  “I don’t want you to come,” I said, siding with Ethan. “Sami will resent the intrusion.”

  “On the other hand, if he’s still pissed, it might be good to have a buffer,” Ethan remarked.

  I thought about his observation. Would Sami be more forgiving if I showed up with reinforcements? Only one way to find out. “Okay, I’ll accept your offer.”

  “We’ll be here at ten,” Ethan said.

  “All right.”

  As they got ready to go, Rino mentioned the apar
tment. “I can talk to my landlord if you want to take over my lease. This way, you won’t be homeless while you’re sorting out your next move.”

  “I have no way of paying the rent until I find a source of income.”

  “We’ll figure something out tomorrow,” Rino said. “Try not to have another meltdown tonight. For whatever its worth, I think quitting the priesthood is the right move for you. The jury is still out on Sami. I’d like to meet him.”

  “I can assure you he won’t take me back.”

  “Don’t be too sure,” Ethan said. “If you guys are a good fit sexually, he might reconsider.”

  I shrugged, hardly convinced. They didn’t know Sami.

  Before walking out, Ethan paused and said, “I’m taking the gun.”

  “You think I’ll change my mind and blow out my brains?”

  “It’s for the best. I’m a physician above all else, and you’re under a lot of stress. Why tempt fate? We’ll get this sorted tomorrow and maybe talk about antidepressants to tide you over for a while. Oh, and I’m leaving Bobby to keep an eye on you as well. Never know what craziness might overtake you at two in the morning.”

  I was mildly insulted he assumed the worst but also grateful for his thoughtfulness. I honestly thought he hated my guts and didn’t care if I lived or died. Taking him at face value had been a mistake. He was more like Sami than I realized, a complex man with multiple layers not easily discernible.

  “Thank you,” I said. “For everything.”

  “Get some rest, Padre. Tomorrow will suck donkey balls.”

  Laughter bubbled up unexpectedly, and it continued even after I closed my bedroom door. It was such a relief to shake off the guilt after months of constant worrying. Perhaps there was a light at the end of this endless tunnel.

  My hand hovered over my phone, trying to make up my mind, but in the end, I needed to hear Sami’s voice, even if the call went to voice mail. The odds of him picking up after seeing my name on caller ID were zero to none. Which was why I grew tongue-tied when he answered.

  “What do you want?”

  “Hey…I didn’t think you’d answer.”

  The silence on the other line was discouraging.

  “Are you there?”

  “Where the fuck else would I be?”

  “I took the mouse gun.”

  Sami sucked in a sharp breath. “Are you planning on using it?”

  “Would it make you happy?”

  “No, you stupid shit, but there’s nothing I can do from here.”

  “I’d like to see you tomorrow to return your gun and talk.”

  “I’m done talking, Jay.”

  “Please?”

  “What about those assholes who followed you?”

  “I can explain.”

  “You can’t pin anything on me,” Sami said belligerently. “What we did from the start was consensual.”

  “Don’t worry. I told these guys the truth for once.”

  “Excuse me if I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”

  “I’ll be there at ten thirty.”

  I hung up before he could protest and didn’t pick up the phone when he called back. In fact, I turned it off, so I wouldn’t be plunged into my hopeless sinkhole again. Whatever he had to say could wait until we did it face to face.

  Chapter 15

  Sami put his phone away after making one attempt to reconnect. He didn’t bother leaving a voice mail when Jay didn’t pick up. The dumbass was on another one of his desperate missions, and he wouldn’t be persuaded to change course no matter how sensible the argument.

  Frustrated, he changed into shorts and a faded tee, intent on taking out his anger on the treadmill in his basement. Only exercise could keep Jay from getting under his skin. He chose the most grueling cycle possible, and as the machine picked up speed, muscle memory took over. Flashes of Jay’s increasingly tortured face kept slipping into Sami’s consciousness. For the hundredth time since they’d met, he tried unraveling the mysterious workings of their twisted relationship.

  He’d been powerfully attracted to Jay’s innocence and ethereal beauty—light blond hair and sparkling blue eyes—a stark contrast to Sami’s darker composition, a genetic gift via his Hungarian great-grandmother, Virág. It also explained his surname, a palindrome which meant next in line or designated successor.

  Sami’s dédanya had only been five when her family left Budapest to settle in America at the dawn of the twentieth century. She was one hundred and five when she passed, outliving three husbands while gaining two children, four grandchildren, and many great-grandchildren. When she’d been alive, she served beef stroganoff on a mound of buttered noodles each Sunday and only spoke Hungarian, giving Sami and his siblings an opportunity to grow up bilingual.

  Despite her strong influence, Sami was quintessentially American, the middle child of a two-income white-collar family. He’d been a freshman at Sacramento State University when the planes hit the twin towers. Like many of his friends, he’d been eager to enlist, but his parents had persuaded him to get his bachelor’s degree so he could join the armed forces as an officer candidate. The waiting had been harder than the curriculum, but in the end, he acknowledged they were right. By the time Sami set foot in enemy territory, he was older and less impulsive. Assumptions on the whys and wherefores of the savage attack on thousands of innocent citizens had shifted dramatically, and Sami’s newly acquired skills in the study of the human condition under extreme circumstances were much in demand.

  He’d excelled at his job until the end, but it had drained his humanitarian reserves and he was running on fumes. Devoid of emotions, he’d forgotten what it was like to trust, much less care about anything other than the success of his mission. Immersed in a world where deceit was the norm, he’d withdrawn altogether, internalizing to keep from tipping his hand in a careless moment. Nonetheless, he’d fought the discharge orders vehemently and was now at loose ends.

  His chance meeting with Jay had been the first time in years he’d allowed himself to go with his gut rather than his training. For three days, Sami had let down his guard, enjoying the freedom of having sex without fear of discovery. He was safe, miles away from the malevolent mindset that could condemn a man to death for following his true nature. Falling asleep with a fuck buddy was a luxury he hadn’t experienced since college. And when the new man turned out to be hardwired in much the same way, relishing the complex exchange of power, pain, and pleasure, it had validated his decision to act impulsively. They were happy until they weren’t.

  It was ironic that Jay had fallen from grace with someone of Sami’s caliber. Trained to ferret out the truth in the most experienced jihadist, Jay was no match for the seasoned interrogator. The quick changes in his breathing patterns, providing too much information when none was needed, shuffling feet, lip biting, a rigid, almost catatonic stance when caught red-handed, fidgety hands, word repetition, and elaborate backstory were familiar tells of a pathological liar. Sami began suspecting something was off as soon as he asked Jay where he lived, hoping they could arrange another meeting once they got back to the Bay Area.

  The unblinking gaze followed by a quick dash to the bathroom raised a familiar sense of unease. At first, Sami thought it was Jay’s inability to pay back the money owed for the upgrade, which was a moot point and hardly expected. Even after he informed Jay the debt was canceled, his furtive behavior continued. Reluctant to invade the man’s privacy, especially as he was no longer in a war zone, Sami waited, hoping Jay would come clean. When it didn’t happen, Sami dug through Jay’s carryall while he was in the shower. Discovering he’d been banging a priest for three days was a bit of a shock, but not the end of the world. Unless Jay did something stupid like claim rape. Rather than wait and watch, Sami confronted him.

  It turned into a shouting match the likes of which he hadn’t seen in a long time. Sami wasn’t used to being disobeyed. In the service, soldiers and other subordinates hopped to his commands. In the b
edroom, he dominated. Jay’s righteous indignation at being discovered was also typical—offense being the best defense—when a liar was called to task. Disappointed by his predictable behavior, Sami waved goodbye in San Francisco, having no intention of seeing him again.

  But he’d underestimated Jay’s craving for their sadomasochistic relationship. The priest was hooked on memories of their intense sessions in Chicago and wanted a repeat. In fairness to Jay, Sami could have said no the first time the priest had shown up unexpectedly, but a stiff dick has no conscience.

  He caved the minute Jay’s pliant body pressed against him and when he promised to leave the priesthood it was a foregone conclusion they’d end up in bed. It would be a Herculean task, to be sure, but Jay had appeared sincere, and Sami agreed to give him time to get his affairs in order. Weeks turned into months and the excuses continued. Despite their amazing sex—and it was better than good—Jay couldn’t find the guts to walk away from the Church.

  Trying to keep up with his mercurial personality was challenging. One minute, Jay was humbly submissive, willing to do anything to please Sami, and then he’d go back to the rectory and have a spiritual breakdown, holing up in his quarters with a belt in one hand and his prick in the other. It was during those times Sami had to resort to invading the confessional, the only place they could have a private conversation when Jay was in agony over his transgressions. Dragging him away with threats of exposure was his only recourse.

  Sami had run out of patience several weeks ago and issued ultimatums Jay repeatedly ignored. Consistently stubborn, he showed up again and again, absorbing the verbal abuse and somehow manipulating Sami into angry sex. He’d be lying to himself if he denied enjoying every second, but it had to stop. No matter how low Jay descended and how high Sami got off on the violence, it was his obligation as an officer to break this obsessive cycle. Even if it was consensual, sexual acts intended to push boundaries to the extreme had to be avoided when one partner wasn’t in his right mind, and Jay had passed this point a while back. Sami was determined to resume control of the situation.

  That he’d actually given Jay a gun and hadn’t noticed it missing didn’t bode well for his own mental state. As much as he resented the supposed friends who’d had Jay followed, at least they cared enough for his well-being. Sami was more concerned with wiping out the addiction which had taken over his life. He wished he could fix Jay, but he didn’t think it was possible. Some people were just broken.