Yield

by Ashling, Mickie B.

  “I told them it wasn’t necessary to accompany me,” Jay clarified. “But they insisted.”

  Addressing Ethan, Sami ordered, “Wait in your car.”

  Grabbing Jay’s hand, Sami pulled him inside and dead-bolted the door.

  “Let me explain—”

  “You’ve got five minutes.”

  “Hardly enough time,” Jay whined.

  “If you cut to the chase, it is.”

  “I love you.”

  Sami snorted, turned his back on Jay, and strode toward the kitchen. Jay had to hustle to keep up, but he managed to grab Sami by the arm and hold him in place. “Will you please stop?”

  “I can walk and listen at the same time.”

  “You’re all kinds of awesome, but I want you to look me in the eyes while I tell you what I plan to do next.”

  “This should be rich.”

  “I’m leaving the Jesuits.”

  “Unfortunately, I’ve heard this before.”

  “Things are different this time,” Jay explained.

  “Oh? Did St. Ignatius appear in a dream and tell you it was okay to be my fuck boy?”

  “I know I deserve your anger, but can you pretend to show some respect? My words may not mean much right now, but I will change. Rino and Ethan have shown me there’s another way to live.”

  “Yeah. I heard all about Ethan and his club. If you think I’m going to take you by the hand and present you as my partner to the members of his closed group, think again.”

  “Having never been there myself, I can’t even guess what goes on in such establishments. But I’ve come to appreciate Ethan’s down-to-earth advice, and I know Rino thinks his man walks on water. The place can’t be bad if they endorse it.”

  “Moving on,” Sami snapped. “What else is on your mind?”

  “How can I atone for what I’ve done or should have done?”

  Sami shrugged. “I’m not sure I care enough to come up with an answer.”

  “I don’t believe you,” Jay said softly. “You’d have been long gone if it were true.”

  “Maybe so, but you’ve worn me down with your bullshit. I honestly can’t dredge up one more ounce of patience or sympathy.”

  “I’m not asking for anything but an opportunity to prove I’m moving in a positive direction.”

  “Then what?”

  “I hope you’ll reconsider the decision to keep your distance.”

  Sami stared at Jay, expecting the usual deluge of tears and melodrama, but he was quietly determined. Maybe he did have an epiphany, but they’d had versions of this scene before, and he wasn’t taking anything at face value.

  “I’m not making any promises, Jay, but I’m willing to keep an open mind. Show me proof you’ve quit the Jesuits, get some badly needed therapy, and try to find a new career. I have to see some honest effort on your part, or I won’t even consider a reunion.”

  “I’ll do it,” Jay vowed. “I’m going to talk to my superiors this morning.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Can I visit once in a while?”

  “Let’s avoid each other for a few months. We both need some downtime. You’re not the only one with issues.”

  “Are you going to see a shrink?”

  “Probably.”

  “Will you stay in town?”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Did Esme leave?”

  Sami nodded. “She’s back with her family where she belongs.”

  “Are you okay with her decision?”

  “Of course.”

  It seemed Jay had run out of small talk, yet he appeared reluctant to go. The silence between them stretched uncomfortably.

  “Are we done here?” Sami asked.

  “Ethan says it’s okay to like kinky sex,” Jay blurted.

  Sami raised an eyebrow. “Your point?”

  “A lot of my conflict has to do with the way we—”

  “Fuck?”

  Jay looked panicked. Probably because Sami had reached the end of his limited patience and his voice dripped with sarcasm.

  “Yeah.”

  “Don’t make this any worse,” Sami ordered. “I’m tired of getting unsolicited advice from strangers. I might not belong to a fancy club, but I’ve always known what I like in bed. I don’t need Ethan’s seal of approval.”

  “I just thought….”

  “You thought wrong. If these people are helping you come to terms with…whatever, then good for them. But let me make something crystal clear. They need to butt out of my life.”

  “All right.”

  “Show yourself out and don’t come back unless you’re invited.”

  Jay bit his lower lip and his eyes glittered.

  Sami put up a hand. “One fucking tear and I swear we’re done.”

  Jay had to have reached deep to get himself under control, but he did and Sami was grateful.

  In a steady voice, Jay asked, “May I give you a goodbye hug?”

  Sami nodded, and they were in each other’s arms within seconds.

  Maybe because this time their breakup seemed more final, Sami let himself relax into the embrace. Contradictory feelings swirled like an imaginary funnel. Although he and Jay would benefit from this time apart—actually needed—to get their heads on straight, there was a strong sense of loss. His resolve to keep this goodbye as straightforward as possible dissolved in an emotional avalanche.

  Jay had been the first person who’d broken through Sami’s calloused veneer. The only one who’d believed he wasn’t dead inside. In an effort to get him to voluntarily retire, Sami’s CO had reminded him daily that people in his position couldn’t be rehabilitated after they overstayed. It was in his best interest to try to regain his humanity before it was forever lost. Easier said than done. Until he’d met Jay.

  But Sami’s feelings were inconsistent, and half the time, they made no sense whatsoever. An internal war existed between his need to dominate and end the relationship altogether. Perhaps it had to do with the man himself. If Jay were a civilian, and not a priest in crisis, boundaries could have been set from the beginning. Their chemistry might have fizzled out after running its course, or they could have moved on to the next level—it was impossible to guess. What he did know for sure was, like it or not, Jay mattered, and he deserved the truth if they were going to succeed this time.

  Running his fingers through Jay’s hair, he tugged hard, pulling Jay’s head back so his throat was exposed. His Adam’s apple wobbled as he swallowed convulsively, unclear as to what was happening.

  “Sami?”

  “One last thing,” Sami said, breathing hotly against Jay’s mouth.

  “What?”

  He licked Jay’s lips and aggressively forced his mouth open to claim him. The soft whimper was like the first hit of Afghani opium—sought throughout the world for its purity—and easily obtainable with the right connections. It had been tempting, and Sami almost succumbed to the dangerous habit destroying so many of his fellow soldiers, but he’d seen enough of the damage to know it was lethal, and had found the strength to walk away.

  His foolish, demented need for Jay couldn’t be so easily tamed, and he pushed him down to the carpet and began fumbling with his clothes. Like mindless beasts, they were oblivious to their surroundings or the repercussions driven by unadulterated lust. Biting, sucking, licking, and grinding against each other with increasing ferocity brought each other off efficiently. When it was over, they lay on their backs, heaving with the sudden effort.

  “Son of a bitch,” Sami murmured. “Way to let shit happen.”

  Jay rolled over and rested his head on Sami’s chest. “I’m glad it did. What were you going to say before you got distracted?”

  “I’m happy you didn’t blow your brains out.”

  “So am I,” Jay replied. “Knowing you care if I live or die makes a huge difference.”

  “It shouldn’t,” Sami said, pushing Jay away. “Don’t live your life for an
yone but yourself.”

  “I’m not asking you to be responsible for my happiness, Sami. I know I’ll never be at peace until I’m honest with myself.”

  “Good. We’ve both got issues that need to be addressed before we can move forward. Individually,” Sami stressed. “Don’t expect me to sign up for couple’s therapy. And I would think twice before checking out the BDSM club with your new friends.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it,” Jay said.

  “You’ll be tempted.”

  “Does this mean we’re in a committed relationship?”

  “Fuck, no.”

  “What then?”

  “Do your thing but don’t be impulsive. You’ve been stuck in a moral prison for so long this newfound freedom might go to your head. Think before you act. Be safe above all else. I’d hate to see you back in the hospital because of a bad hookup.”

  “I’m going to take your request as a good sign,” Jay remarked.

  “Whatever works,” Sami said. He got to his feet and pulled Jay up. “You’d better go before Ethan calls 911.”

  “I’ll make you proud,” Jay said, tucking in his shirt and buttoning his fly. There was a determined look in his bright eyes Sami had never seen before.

  “I’m counting on it.”

  They were walking slowly toward the front door when Jay stopped and threw his arms around Sami’s neck. In a breathy voice, he said, “I’m going to miss you so much. Don’t give up on me.”

  “Let’s talk when you’ve completed your mission.”

  “I love you,” Jay said as Sami opened the front door and guided him outside.

  Sami gave a half smile and shut the door. He leaned on it and suppressed the urge to yank the door open again and say something meaningful, but giving Jay false hope was worse than silence. A little late for regrets, he thought ruefully. Asking Jay to resist the offerings at Ethan’s club was an admission of sorts.

  He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts at the VA hospital. One of them was a shrink. He’d known the doctor was a bad fit as soon as he’d posed questions about morality and ethics. The man had never been in a combat zone and didn’t have the first clue what went on during an interrogation. After some heavy silence, Sami had walked out the door.

  Since then, he’d never considered a return visit, but he understood the nature of his problems. They wouldn’t disappear on their own, and required a professionals guiding hand if he expected to live a normal life. Even if his idea of normal was a little on the twisted side. He’d always had a sadistic streak, and pairing up with someone who enjoyed receiving pain in a sexual context was ideal.

  From the start, Sami had been up-front about his preferences. Jay had embraced his brand of loving, but his level of masochism had increased dangerously. It wasn’t clear if this escalation was a result of his mounting desperation to escape the priesthood or he was freefalling into some kind of psychotic break. It was Sami’s obligation to get to the truth, except he found himself swept along in the frenzy. Long immune to pain and suffering from his stint in Afghanistan, Sami was afraid he’d cross the line one day and do irrevocable damage.

  He owed it to Jay and, more importantly, to himself, to figure it out before then. Learning to keep them both safe was paramount, and he was willing to try another therapy session but with a different doctor this time. Gritting his teeth, Sami placed the call.

  Chapter 18

  It was Saturday night, ten days since the shooting, and Ethan and Rino were seated in comfy Adirondack chairs around the outdoor fire pit in Scott and Robin’s well-tended garden. Dr. Lance Roberts and his partner, Ro Celdran, were also present as were Susie and Adrian Manning. New to the group, Ethan was slowly becoming acquainted with all the players who made up the dental practice where Rino worked as a hygienist. Barely six months into the job, Rino did his best to fill him in but reluctantly admitted there was a lot he didn’t know.

  What Ethan had learned so far was everyone at tonight’s get-together actively participated in BDSM. Robin, Lance, and Susie were Dominants. Although, watching the interaction between Lance and Ro made him think Lance might be a switch. Ro’s respectful usage of the endearment papi belied the fire in his eyes which turned Lance into a puddle of goo whenever Ro made a request. It was an interesting dynamic and one worth sharing with Rino who was going through his own learning curve.

  Susie used to be Scott’s surgical assistant and had decided to quit the clinical side of her job after she came into some money. She’d bought into the practice and become a managing partner, running the office with great efficiency, the same way she nurtured her husband, an FBI agent and her 24/7 sub. They had no kids.

  The main reason for tonight’s gathering was to discuss preparations for Lance and Ro’s upcoming wedding. They’d already decided on a destination wedding in P-town, a preferred vacation spot where the couple had celebrated many significant firsts. Lance and Ro had to pin down a date while arguing about the unnecessary expense of a formal reception compared to an informal barbecue, Ro’s first choice. It was mind-numbingly boring, and Ethan’s attention drifted to his own relationship.

  Before leaving home, Ethan had inspected Rino’s wound and pronounced him healthy. With this first step over, it was time to move on to phase two in the healing process. Once Ethan meted out his punishment, a task he didn’t much relish, they could put the incident behind them. It was long overdue, and Ethan was tired of Rino’s nightly queries about what he had planned. His answer was always the same. “Wait and see.”

  The truth was he didn’t know what would be appropriate. Too much force would turn Rino off the lifestyle completely, and something mediocre would downplay the offense. Ethan wanted this discipline to be memorable. He’d been deeply offended by Rino’s omission and was certain he wouldn’t be forgiving if it ever happened again. Perhaps Robin, who’d been in a 24/7 relationship much longer and had come to Ethan for advice regarding Scott’s health several months ago, might offer some insight.

  He pulled him aside before dinner and asked for a moment.

  “No problem,” Robin said easily. “Follow me.”

  Inside the modernized version of a colorful postcard home known as a Painted Lady, Robin led Ethan to his study off the living room. It was secluded and inviting, offering him the necessary privacy.

  “What’s going on?” Robin asked when they were seated in the tufted wing chairs in front of the fireplace.

  Ethan gave him an abridged version of the Jay debacle, leaving out the gunshot wound and Sami’s identity. They were not relevant to the story, and he wanted to protect Sami’s privacy. He had a strong feeling the captain would re-emerge in Jay’s life, and when it happened, it would be unfair to tarnish Sami’s reputation before Robin could make his own determination.

  “Got it,” Robin said. “Do you want to push his sexual boundaries, or will this be a straightforward disciplinary session?”

  Ethan was reassured when Robin didn’t make any attempt to forestall punishment. As a fellow Dom, he clearly understood the situation. It was Ethan’s prerogative to forgive Rino, but some form of punishment was definitely in order.

  “I don’t want to confuse sex and discipline.”

  Robin nodded agreement. “What are his hard limits?”

  “He can’t take pain in any form.”

  “Not even spanking?” Robin asked.

  “It’s never come up.”

  “What else?”

  “Nudity still weirds him out, and he turns all kinds of red whenever I make him jerk off in front of me.”

  “But he does it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Hmm. Then neither of those scenarios would work as punishment. Humiliation play?”

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “Put a collar and leash on him next time we invite you over. Public humiliation will remind him you’re in charge.”

  “That might work,” Ethan said. “And it’ll only hurt his pride.”

&
nbsp; “I’ve noticed an overabundance,” Robin remarked dourly.

  “Is he disrespectful at work?”

  “No,” Robin conceded. “But he bristles if you correct or contradict him.”

  Ethan nodded. “He doesn’t like to appear stupid.”

  “Who does?” Robin grinned. “I think a little puppy play would be perfect for your sub.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Why wait?” Robin asked. “Do it tonight and get it over with.”

  “I don’t have anything on me.”

  “No worries, my friend. I have a room full of toys.”

  Robin gestured for Ethan to follow him up the stairs to what could only be described as a kinky playroom. Equipment gleamed under the soft lights, and Ethan couldn’t help being envious of the huge selection.

  “This is nice,” he said. “I may have to solicit you for more advice when I remodel my special room.”

  “Scott and I handpicked each item. It took years to accumulate most of these pieces, a true labor of love.”

  “How often do you use this room?”

  Robin looked surprised. “Every day.”

  “Rino and I aren’t as structured,” Ethan admitted. “I’ve never had a full-time sub, and he’s so green he might as well be a virgin. We’re still discovering what does and doesn’t work for us.”

  “Which can be exciting as hell but just as frustrating. It’s like dealing with a new puppy. I don’t envy you.”

  Ethan smiled. “He’s worth it.”

  “Scott and I have had the usual ups and downs, but I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.”

  “Let’s check out your collars and leashes,” Ethan said.

  He pawed through the collection and decided on a simple black leather collar with a braided, detachable leash.

  “Would you mind if I get Rino ready in here?” Ethan asked.

  “Not at all. I’ll send him right up,” Robin replied.

  “Thank you.”

  “If you want to borrow any items of clothing, check out the selection in the closet,” Robin added helpfully. “Your boy will look good in leather briefs.”

  “He’s got velvety smooth skin,” Ethan mused, then flushed when he caught Robin staring. “Sorry.”