Yield

by Ashling, Mickie B.

  “Not fully,” Master Lawrence replied. “But I want him halfway there so he’s less demanding in the second phase. This method works best for us.”

  Subspace. Sami wondered if there was a glossary or manual he could borrow to get him up to speed. He hated being left in the dark.

  The demo continued with Master Lawrence disinfecting the area. In this case, he was going to make the incision on Luke’s left shoulder. There was a collective hiss from the crowd when he sliced through flesh and bright red beads seeped from the shallow gash. Sami felt his cock plump up, and his entire body tingled with excitement. While some members watched through fingers, Sami couldn’t take his eyes off the scene unfolding before him. After each slice, Master Lawrence dabbed the area with sterile gauze, but not before he admired his handiwork and allowed the blood to trickle for a bit. The crimson rivulets, along with Luke’s soft mewling, were intense reminders of Jay and the many weeks he’d gone without. Sami was struggling to stave off an orgasm. He’d look like an inexperienced fool if he unloaded in his pants, but this sad state of affairs reminded him it was time to reconnect with Jay.

  His condition was further aggravated after Luke shot his load. Sami left the room abruptly and headed for the restroom to take care of his problem. He locked the stall door and moaned in relief when he took possession of his engorged cock.

  “All better?” a disembodied voice asked.

  Mortified, Sami quickly put himself back together. He opened the stall door and Rino was leaning against the wall sporting a shit-eating grin.

  “I take it you enjoyed the demo?”

  Sami chuckled. “I need to get laid.”

  Rino looked surprised. “You’ve been abstaining all this time?”

  “I thought I’d behave until I worked out some of my issues.”

  “How’s the therapy going?”

  “Excellent,” Sami replied. “How’s Jay doing?”

  “Not so good,” Rino said. “Can we talk?”

  “Sure.”

  “Why haven’t you checked on him?”

  “I thought he was doing great.”

  “It’s one step forward and several back with him,” Rino remarked. “He’s starting to lose hope and I’m worried.”

  “Isn’t his shrink helping?”

  “What shrink?” Rino asked. “He’s got no money or medical insurance.”

  “Didn’t he get a severance package of some kind?”

  “You’re joking, right?”

  “He was a priest for a long time,” Sami remarked. “Isn’t he entitled to something?”

  “He didn’t get jack shit. Jay’s staying at my place for free and receiving handouts from Father Spencer.”

  “Who is he?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “I’ve been out of the loop.”

  “And whose fault is that?”

  “They told me to stay away,” Sami protested loudly.

  “No one asked for my opinion on the matter,” Rino said. “I think a phone call would have been helpful. Things have changed since he met this guy.”

  Sami didn’t recognize the spark of jealousy starting a steady beat in his left temple, but he realized his hands had curled into a tight fist and he was spoiling for a fight. “Who is this guy, and where does he live?”

  “Have dinner with us, and I’ll tell you the whole story,” Rino urged.

  “Copy that.”

  Chapter 26

  Tom buried his face in his hands and murmured, “It’s not happening, Jay.”

  Defeated, I got off my knees and he hurried off to the bedroom where he would curl up on the bed and brood for hours. I should have gone after him, as I’d often done in the past, but I was worried I’d say something unforgivable. In the kitchen, I grabbed a beer and went to stand by the picture window in the living room while I sipped and contemplated my sorry life. The Castro District beckoned in the distance, and right then, I would have given anything to be surrounded by energetic gay men in the loudest, most outrageous setting possible. The irony of my situation wasn’t lost on me. This was God’s final fuck you for walking away.

  Tom’s caring and generous soul were also his undoing. From a young age, he’d been tormented by his parents’ contentious marriage, absorbing the anger as if it was his fault they didn’t get along. Later, as a young adult, he internalized his fear of growing up gay in a predominantly Catholic society. Even after leaving Dublin and making a new life in San Francisco, the best place in the world to be out and proud, he found it difficult to flip a new page.

  His psychiatrist had put him on an antidepressant, an effective way to stabilize his dark thoughts, which were on a deadly downward spiral, but the magical pill putting sunshine back in his life had a horrible side effect—a reduced sex drive. When he complained, they switched his drug hoping for better results, but even as his libido returned, Tom relapsed into a dark fugue far worse than a limp dick. In the end, Tom had chosen mental health over sex. He revealed this one night when, once again, I’d failed to get a rise out of him. Hearing the reason it was such a struggle reduced my sense of inadequacy, and to be fair, Tom always took care of me, but it felt selfish to receive pleasure without reciprocating. And I knew I shouldn’t compare, but I was only human, and the difference between Sami and Tom in bed was as dramatic as a Bengal tiger and a house cat.

  It was an unfortunate complication I’d never anticipated. Outside of sex, I couldn’t ask for a nicer guy. Tom was attractive, well-read, funny, caring, and relatable on so many levels. Having him in my life was both a blessing and a curse. I wanted to be a stronger man, one who could rise above my physical needs and show Tom the compassion he deserved, but…I didn’t think I could do this indefinitely. It was unrealistic to expect me to accept crumbs when I could have an entire cake. My discontent compounded my guilt, and I reached for my belt on more than one occasion. Visions of Sami taking what he wanted while propelling me to the highest levels of passion were the running loop in my head as I applied the lash again and again.

  Tom grew clingy on the days following each failure. He knew there had been someone instrumental in my decision to leave the priesthood, but we never talked about Sami. Although I disliked Tom when he turned needy, in some bizarre way, I could sympathize. Sami had eroded my self-confidence, which was nonexistent to begin with. Knowing one’s love life was on the line made each failure much harder to bear.

  But mediocre sex was only one part of our relationship, albeit front and center in my mind. Through Tom’s efforts, I now had a part-time job at USF. I was told it would take a while to review my credentials to make sure they were applicable outside the priesthood. I knew they would be, but the Society of Jesus wasn’t going to make it easy to move on, and since they owned and operated the university, they had me over a barrel. Paperwork stalled, and I was sure this was another method of punishment to remind me I’d betrayed everything they stood for.

  In the interim, I got a job as a teacher’s aide. The pay wasn’t much, but it beat nothing at all, and now that I had an official employer, my landlord was more inclined to give me a chance. I negotiated a month-to-month arrangement as a trial run, and it would be extended to a year once I proved my worth. It was another victory and one I couldn’t have accomplished on my own.

  Tom tried lending me money until I received my first paycheck, but I declined. Determined to lighten my financial burden, he bought groceries instead, stocking my shelves to bursting. It made me nauseated to be in his debt when I had such mixed feelings. We’d had our first big fight the day he’d shown up with two bags from Whole Foods. He couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let him help, and I refused to admit I was drowning in his largesse.

  Tom accused me of cheating. “It’s just a matter of time before you walk away.” He’d broken down in tears and apologized while I silently held him in my arms.

  I knew insecurity was like a slimy leech, attaching itself to one’s baser instincts and growing fat with wild images until i
t couldn’t be contained. Tom’s meltdown came in the form of an ugly tirade one evening when I didn’t arrive on time. He was out of his mind with anxiety and didn’t hold back. I spent an hour reassuring him, but this was becoming a dangerous pattern, and I was running out of patience.

  Tom was there whenever I turned around. He waited at the curb in the morning to drive me to school and invariably stayed on campus until I was done for the day. I asked him to back off, but he stubbornly maintained I needed the ride.

  “Why spend money on transportation when you have me?”

  Was it possible to suffocate from too much kindness?

  The contrast between Tom and Sami went far deeper than sexual prowess. Empathy was Tom’s default whereas Sami had no fucks left to give. Then why couldn’t I respond to the kinder, gentler man? Because I was shallow, according to Father Spencer. A man ruled by his cock instead of his intellect. He advocated for Tom, having met him on one occasion, and was convinced he was the better match. Apart from being Catholic, a big plus in Father Spencer’s opinion, Tom was an academic, a peaceful man who would rather debate a problem than resort to violence.

  In fairness to Sami, I’d been duplicitous from the word go. How else should he have responded to a man who couldn’t be trusted? If I had been honest from the start, things might have been a lot different. But I’d changed since leaving the priesthood. Lies didn’t come as easily, my feelings for Tom a case in point. It would be easy to mislead him. The man hung on my every word, accepting whatever scraps of affection I doled out begrudgingly. I could cheat on him and get away with it if I chose to live a lie, but I’d already tried that and nearly lost my mind. Granted, it was God I was trying to fool.

  I was astonished—and immensely relieved—when Rino and Ethan strongly disagreed with Father Spencer’s pronouncement. Despite the personal toll they’d suffered by helping me, the couple continued to be a part of my life and felt Sami and I were a better fit.

  “Listen up,” Ethan said. “It takes guts to admit you’ll be happier with a man who’s as gentle as a bull. In my opinion, Sami can be tamed, and he’d make a perfect Dom for you once he’s been tutored. Bull riders are crazy motherfuckers anyway, and you’re about as loony as they get.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I said, unable to hide my smile. “Your confidence in me is inspiring.”

  “I’m nothing but honest,” Ethan replied. “The heart wants what it wants. There’s no reasonable way to explain people like you, Rino, me, and the other members of Heaven’s Gate. It takes more than a good career, romantic suppers, and bouquets of roses to keep us satisfied.”

  “It’s true,” Rino seconded. “I’ve always considered myself to be self-sufficient and a survivor who didn’t need a strong hand to make me feel whole. I struggled with the realization I liked being dominated, craved it to be precise. Most of my negative feelings disappeared when I accepted the truth. Each moment I spend with Ethan is a validation of our mutual needs, and isn’t that what love is about?”

  I was dumbfounded by their change in attitude. They’d warned me to stay away from Sami when this drama started, and now they were rooting for the guy. He’d have a good laugh if I ever got the chance to tell him.

  I couldn’t resist asking. “Is Sami okay?”

  We were going on six long weeks of an excruciating communication blackout.

  Ethan nodded. “He’s seeing a good shrink, and I’m going to make sure he learns how to love you good and proper.”

  “Sorry?” I had no idea what he meant, but I sure as hell wanted details.

  “Sami can explain once you guys reconnect.”

  “He doesn’t take my calls and ignores my texts.”

  “We’re going to make some adjustments,” Ethan asserted.

  So when my phone rang a few days later and Sami’s name showed up on caller ID, I didn’t have a heart attack, but my hands shook and my knees turned to jelly. I was on campus and had to sink down on a bench before hitting accept.

  “Hey,” he said gruffly.

  “Hi, Sami.”

  “How’s it going?”

  “I have good and bad days,” I replied, determined to be forthright for once.

  “Me too.”

  “I’m working part-time and leasing Rino’s old apartment.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Sami?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “We should get together,” he said softly.

  I closed my eyes and soaked in the words with a contented smile on my face. I forced myself to reply in a normal tone of voice. “Nothing would make me happier.”

  “Can you come over tomorrow evening?”

  I mentally pulled up my schedule and realized tomorrow was Friday, and I only had one class in the late morning. And since my weekends were free, we’d have all of Friday night and the next two days to figure this out. I was buoyed by his invitation, the first time I’d been asked instead of ordered.

  “I’ll be there at six.”

  “Sounds good.”

  He hung up before I could say goodbye. Typical Sami, but it was jarring after being with Tom who always waited for me to hang up first.

  And how in the hell was I going to pull this off without sending Tom into a nosedive? Should I keep him happily oblivious or blurt out the ugly truth? Even if nothing came of this meeting with Sami, Tom would flip out if he learned I was meeting another man.

  That evening, I opted for the easy way out, and I heard myself saying, “I’m spending the weekend with Rino and Ethan in Napa Valley. We leave tomorrow after work.”

  Tom’s eyebrows shot up. “Without me?”

  “You weren’t invited.”

  “Don’t they know we’re dating?”

  “We’re not exclusive,” I said unnecessarily.

  His face crumpled. I felt guilty for lying and acting like a jerk, but assuming he’d be included in my plans triggered the nasty response. Tom had to quit acting like we were an established couple. Even so, I could have made my position clear without being such a prick.

  “I’m sorry, Tom. It was a shitty thing to say.”

  He lowered his head, and I knew he was struggling, but he regained his composure by the time he lifted his head. “Have fun and bring back a bottle of Chardonnay if you think about me at all.”

  “You know I will.”

  “I don’t know anything, Jay.”

  “Come on.” I tried to placate him. “It’s just a few days.”

  “Can you at least spend the night?”

  I would have agreed to anything right then. Later, he reached for the blue pill and we had sex. It was okay until thoughts of my upcoming meeting with Sami ruined the moment. Tom must have sensed the change in my demeanor, and he faltered.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, still inside of me.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You seem out of it.”

  Dammit. “I’m fine, Tom.”

  “Am I hurting you?”

  Not nearly enough.

  He resumed his strokes after I shook my head, and we managed to get it done without saying another word. Tom protested when I slid out of bed at six in the morning, but he fell back asleep after I convinced him to let me take the tram.

  I wanted to clear my head, and the ride home was a good time to consider what I was about to do. My initial excitement over my upcoming meeting with Sami had shifted to a bad case of the yips. My brain was bursting with unanswered questions. Would he be content with this improved version of the Jay he used to know? I had more confidence and the ponderous guilt was shedding away like a cumbersome winter coat. My bouts of self-harm had dwindled exponentially, and I was sure they’d disappear altogether once I got the kind of sex I needed to keep me grounded. Was it enough to make a difference?

  And what about him? Had Sami learned how to control his anger and, by extension, his irrational hatred for people and cultures he didn’t understand? Had Ethan been overly optimisti
c when he predicted Sami would make a perfect Dom someday? I’d observed a successful D/s dynamic firsthand, thanks to Rino and Ethan, and I understood the appeal. I could easily picture myself falling into the role, but it was difficult to envision Sami in this way. He could be obstinate and demanding—still my kryptonite in many ways—but I didn’t know if the characteristics yanking my chain could be molded into something suited for the BDSM lifestyle.

  And then there was Tom. I should have felt guiltier for what I was about to do, but Sami had been in my life a lot longer. Granted, we’d had our four months in fits and starts, but our meeting had altered the course of my life. As much as I liked Tom and wished for a better outcome, he would never be able to compete. I loved Sami for everything he was and all the ways he was the wrong choice. I pulled out my rosary and prayed as the tram rumbled down the hill.

  Chapter 27

  When Sami opened the front door and made eye contact with Jay, he felt dizzy with excitement, the need to touch so powerful he had to step back and take a deep breath. The mental images of Jay he’d carried around for weeks were colorless, faded versions of the striking man standing in front of him wearing a blue sweater that accented his eyes. While he’d intended to play his usual detached self, Sami couldn’t stop the enthusiastic greeting.

  “You look great!”

  Jay beamed. “Thank you.”

  “Come in,” Sami said, pulling Jay by the arm. He shut and locked the door and turned to find Jay studying him intently. “What’s so interesting?”

  “You’re growing out your hair.”

  Sami smirked and ran his fingers through the choppy locks. “It was time to ditch GI Joe, but it looks like shit at the moment. Growing out a buzz is a process.”

  Jay continued to examine him. “I like it.”

  “It’s just hair, Jay.”

  “You’re more approachable.” Jay took a few steps closer. “May I touch?”

  “Sure.”

  “Feels nice,” Jay remarked, fingering the soft curls. “I had a duckling when I was little who sort of felt like this.”

  “For fuck’s sake,” Sami snarled.