“Theon, you ready to go, son?” I nodded my head.
“Give me a minute while I just lock the house up and make it secure.”
I just nodded again. A few minutes later, he came out. I heard the alarm setting in the house. I was standing in the same spot, bag on the ground and bent over with my hands on my knees just staring at nothing in front of me.
In the car, on the way to his house, it was silent. My head leaned on the window to the side of me; I was looking but not seeing. I felt numb. In fact, I didn’t feel.
“Why did you go to the house?” I asked Arnold not looking at him
“Sonia phoned me. She told me to get here as soon as I could. She was on her way back to your room at the hospital when she saw you running out of the doors. She called to you, Theon, she doesn’t think you heard her.” I could see he had turned his head to look at me. Was that a question? Who knows?
“I was on my way back to the hospital when she phoned. She’s staying there for a while. She’s sorting out things with the coroner and with the babies.” I sigh. I don’t want to know.
“I can’t deal with this.” We traveled the rest of the way in silence. I wasn’t prepared to talk about any of this yet.
Once at Arnold’s, I followed him inside.
“Do you want a room upstairs or in the guesthouse?”
“Guesthouse,” is all I say. I walked out to the back of the house through the kitchen, grabbing the key from the hook and heading to the guesthouse. I couldn’t be around anyone right now. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to wallow in pity. Alone.
Present
THEY ARE GOING to give Evelina her first dose of chemo this morning. In one respect, I’m glad she hasn’t woken up now, that way she won’t suffer with this, but then, on the other hand, I am fucking terrified she is not going to wake up or that when she does, she won’t be herself. Arnold is on his way in to sit with her for a bit, and I’ll go and shower. He likes to sit and do math and English for her, reciting the times tables. I joke with him, saying no wonder she doesn’t wake up being subjected to that. Evander has taken to playing her favorite board game with her, The Game of Life, only he does the moves for Evelina, and he lets her win because she can’t see. She loves us all playing that game when we have game night at home, and she usually cheats. She loves getting married and having twins like mommy and daddy.
An hour later, I’m in the restaurant after my shower, just grabbing a quick bite. I haven’t spoken to Alana for a few days, and when I looked in on Caroline yesterday, I didn’t see Alana around. I hope she’s okay. I shovel my bacon, eggs, and sausage down, eager to get back to Evelina. I have an hour before they come for her. I’m walking past Caroline’s room on my way to get something from Evelina’s other room to take up to her in ICU, and I hear crying. I don’t want to intrude, but it sounds like Alana. The door is slightly ajar, so I peak through the crack and see Alana sitting on a chair in an empty room. I walk in and kneel in front of her. I grab her hands.
“Hey, What’s wrong? Where’s Caroline?” She looks up at me with the saddest look on her face. Shit. What’s happened? My heart drops, and I’m holding my breath.
“They’ve just taken her to theatre. They said they need to go in now and remove the tumor. Yesterday’s scan showed it had grown slightly and they are concerned it will just keep growing now, even with the chemo. They said it’s now or never. Oh, Theon. I’m so scared for my baby. Will she be all right?” She throws herself into my arms, crying into my chest and gripping tightly onto my t-shirt. I wrap my arms around her to comfort her.
“Shhh, baby, I’m sure they know what they’re doing. Hey, look at me.” She lifts her head slightly and looks me in the eyes.
“You know you keep telling me how strong she has been throughout all the chemo?” She nods at me
“Well, we have to believe she will stay strong and she will pull through this, Alana. We have to believe. If we don’t, we lose all hope, and without hope, we have nothing. I can’t tell you she will be all right, just like I can’t tell you Evelina will be all right, but I have hope and belief and love, and that’s all I can count on right now. You have to do the same and no matter what, I’m here for you, okay, baby?” She clings to me and cries. I let her because she needs this. I’m just sorry I can’t stay with her longer to comfort her while Caroline is in theatre. The waiting is the worst bit. I pull Alana up and sit where she was, then let her sit on my lap. She curls into me and cries silently. I rub her back gently to comfort her, and I kiss the top of her head letting her know I’m here for her. Forty minutes pass, I need to go so I can go with Evelina to chemo.
“Hey, baby, I hate to do this, but I have to leave. Evelina is going for her chemo in twenty minutes, and I’m going with her. I promise I will be right back as soon as Sonia gets here after the chemo. Is that okay?”
“Oh god, Theon. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to keep you from Evelina. You must go. Never mind me. I will be fine. I will wait here until Dr. Cassidy comes to give me an update.” She sits up and starts to scramble from my lap. I hold her tight for a minute, not wanting to let her go. It’s comforting to me as much as it is to her. She sighs into my chest, realizing I’m not pushing her from me. A few minutes pass, and she gets off me, and I stand. She sits back on the chair, and I lean down and kiss the top of her head.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can. You stay strong until I get back, okay?” I say, tilting her chin up, so she looks at me. She nods and just mouths ‘thank you’ to me. She grabs my hand and kisses my palm before letting it go.
They come for Evelina at 10 a.m. We head to a part of the hospital I haven’t been to before, — the cancer treatment center. We are allocated an oncology nurse, Daisy, who will administer the chemo through an IV. Daisy gets Evelina all set up and dispenses the chemo through a port they inserted into her arm when she was in theatre. This will take about twenty minutes and then she can go back to ICU. I sit, holding Evelina’s hand throughout the process and talk to her.
I’m a bit worried about Alana and want to make sure she’s okay. When Sonia arrives, I explain what they did and about the port in Evelina’s arm.
“Oh, the poor love.”
“Do you mind if I go for a little while, Sonia? They took Caroline into theatre earlier, and I hate that Alana is on her own?”
“No of course not, Theon. I’m more than happy to stay here with my angel. Arnold is picking Evander up from school and bringing him in, so don’t worry.”
“Give me a ring if you need me. I shouldn’t be too long.” I lean over and kiss Evelina’s forehead and then kiss Sonia on the top of her head.
“Thank you, Sonia. For everything.” She squeezes my hand and nods.
At Caroline’s door, which is fully open this time, I see Alana sitting where I left her. Her head is back, and her eyes are closed. I don’t want to disturb her if she’s sleeping.
“It’s okay, Theon. I’m not asleep.” I walk in and crouch down in front of her, grabbing her hand.
“How did you know I was there?” She looks at me and gives me a very slight smile.
“I always know when you’re near. I feel you. Is that weird?”
I laugh a little. “Actually, no. I feel you when you enter the room, even when it’s busy like the restaurant. I just know you’re there. I wondered if it was weird, as well.” I frown slightly at that.
“Any news on Caroline yet?”
“No, nothing. It’s the not knowing that kills you. The waiting is like a lifetime. There is no concept of time. The clock never seems to move no matter how often you look at it. It feels like an hour has passed, but you look and its only been ten minutes.
I hate the feeling.
I hate the not knowing.
I hate being so useless.
I hate that I can’t help her or fix her. But,
I know you understand exactly how I’m feeling.”
I do, only I wished I didn’t.
“I hate all those things a
s well.
I wish I didn’t understand your feelings.
I wish that none of this ever happened.
I wish that Evelina would wake up and get better.
I wish for Caroline to get through her surgery and recover.
I wish we had met under better circumstances.” I pull her head down toward me, and I kiss her forehead. She smiles at me when I look at her.
“Have you been okay in here waiting? Have you managed to get out to get a coffee or for a bathroom break?”
“No, neither.”
“How about you go for a quick bathroom break, and I will wait here, then when you get back, I will go and get us coffee. I could really do with one myself,” I say running my hand through my messed-up hair. It’s grown a lot since we’ve been in here. I think I need to tie it back. Alana looks at me with a funny look.
“What? My hair’s grown. I need to tie it back into a man bun.” I laugh.
Alana goes for her bathroom break, and when she comes back, I go and get us coffee. When I return and I enter the room Dr. Cassidy follows me in not a minute later.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Tourney, are you in the wrong room?” She smiles at me, but it makes me feel bad. I hand Alana the coffee and head for the door without saying a word. Is she implying I shouldn’t be away from Evelina?
“Theon, wait, where are you going?”
“Back to Evelina. I’ll leave you to talk to the doctor.” I say not looking at Dr. Cassidy.
“No, please, can you stay with me? I need you.” The plea on her face and in her eyes has me heading back to her and crouching down in front of her. I look at Dr. Cassidy.
“Is it okay with you, if I stay?”
“Of course. It’s up to Mrs. Tudrow.” I look at Alana and nod I will stay.
“Ok. Caroline is out of theatre and in recovery. She’s just coming round from the anesthetic. I spoke to the surgeon, and he said although the tumor had shrunk there were three sections of the liver infected by the tumor. As I explained to you, with pretext three that means three sections, or two separate sections not connected that are affected. One part of the liver was badly damaged, and he thinks she will need a liver transplant. Now, before you panic, he says he doesn’t think it’s urgent. She can survive with what she has, but it will need doing within the next six to twelve months.”
“Oh, god, so what happens now?” I squeeze Alana’s hand and rub my thumb over the back of it to let her know she’s not alone. Dr. Cassidy continues.
“We are putting her on the liver transplant list, and we wait for a suitable liver to become available. If one were to become available sooner rather than later, we would do the transplant straight away rather than wait. He has done more biopsies to check it hasn’t spread. At this stage, he can’t be certain this isn’t the case.”
“Oh, god no, please, no.” She’s pleading to Dr. Cassidy. I feel so helpless, crouched here in front of her. I pull her to me and let her cry into my chest. I look at the doctor, just asking for a moment, then I stand, pulling Alana up with me, before sitting and putting her on my lap like she was earlier. I nod to Dr. Cassidy to tell her to continue.
“We should know the results later on today or tomorrow. There are three ways that cancer could have spread: through the tissue, the lymph system or the blood, so he wants to make sure. They are going to put her in ICU maybe just for a night or two to monitor her. When you’re ready, I can take you up there to the room you can wait in until she comes out of recovery.
“Oh, yes, please, Doctor.”
“I’ll walk up with you. Evelina’s in ICU,” I say, and we all get up.
I leave Alana in Caroline’s room in ICU, so she can wait for Caroline, and I head back to Evelina. I feel guilty for being away for so long, but I just couldn’t leave Alana on her own. I know how bad I was when waiting for Evelina to get out of theatre. Plus, I know Sonia would phone me if there were any change.
I walk into Evelina’s room, and Sonia is holding her hand with the TV on. I watch them for a few minutes wishing she would wake up, and I could get her home. I’m going out of my mind with the worry that she’s never going to wake or if she does she will have some brain damage.
“Hey, Sonia, thanks for sitting with her. Sorry I was longer than I thought.”
“It’s fine, Theon. How is Alana? Any news on Caroline?”
“She’s just come out of theatre and is in recovery. Then they are putting her just over the hallway for the night to monitor her. They said the surgery went well, but they are not sure if it’s spread or not, so have done more biopsies. Alana is having a hard time, and she doesn’t have anyone. Her sister has the twins, and they come to visit, but she has to stay strong for them all.”
“Oh, the poor thing. I’m glad you’re there to help her, Theon. You’re a good man. It’s good you can both relate.” I just nod and move nearer to kiss first Evelina on the forehead and then Sonia.
“Do you need anything, Sonia?”
“No, thank you, sweetie. I have my flask of coffee. That’s all I need. Arnold will be here soon with Evander.” I sit on the chair on the other side of Evelina, holding her hand, and I watch the TV without seeing what’s actually on it. I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s a good job they don’t need me at the office. I would be a waste of space. I rest my head back and close my eyes.
“Evelyn, you must be there, baby, watching this play out. Please, is there anything you can do for our little angel? I don’t know how long I can keep up this façade. I just want to let loose and destroy things — get all my frustrations out. I’m hurting here, baby. If anything happens to our little angel, I swear, I will not survive. I know I said that when I lost you, and I very nearly didn’t survive, but I can’t do it again. I’m begging you. I love you, baby.” That’s the daily conversation I have in my head with Evelyn. I don’t know if she’s there, but it helps me to speak to her. What it also does is remind me of the darkest time of my life.
10 Years Earlier
ONCE IN THE guesthouse, I just stand there. Not moving, my bag still in my hand. What now? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I’ve been with Evelyn almost every day for the last eight years. What do I do without her in my life by my side? I can’t bring up two kids who killed her. I can’t even go to see them. How can Sonia and Arnold say it wasn’t their fault? Who’s fucking fault was it? I drop the bag and collapse to my knees. I sit back on my haunches with my hands resting on my thighs, and I cry. I cry hard. The tears and snot are just running off my face, and I don’t give a shit.
My life is over.
Finished.
Ended with the last breath she took.
Why did Arnold pull me from the pool? Then I remember. I remember Evelyn in the pool. I was trying to reach her, and she floated to the surface making me float up too. She was saving me. She didn’t want me to drown or die. I’m crazy — simple as — out of my mind. I fall to the side and curl up into a ball, wrapping my arms around my knees. I stay there, just crying.
I must have fallen asleep. It’s dark out when I wake. Why did I wake? Then I hear a tap. It must have been the tapping that woke me. I get up. I’m freezing. I wipe my face on my t-shirt and open the door. Arnold is standing there.
“How are you, son? I didn’t see any lights on, and wasn’t sure if you’d gone out or not? Sonia has made some dinner, will you join us?”
I look at him like he’s got four heads. He’s talking about dinner when all I can think about is the fact that I’ve lost Evelyn: my wife, his daughter.
“Why? Why would I want to come and have dinner, Arnold? You think I can come in the house to sit and have dinner as though I haven’t just lost my wife, your daughter? As if we can just play happy families when she isn’t here?”
He holds his hand up before I can go any further. He can see the anger starting to build. I’m struggling to control it as it’s building inside of me.
“Theon, son. We’re hurting too. Believe me, we lost our only daughter today
and how Sonia has even managed to cook anything is beyond me. But she’s trying to act and be normal. I know for a fact, the minute she stops busying herself she is going to crack. It’s like watching a tsunami heading for land. It keeps rolling in, and it could hit any minute now. I’ve got to be there to catch her when she falls, and I’m here for you too, son. I haven’t told Sonia what happened in the pool, and I would prefer we kept it to ourselves right now. She’s hanging on by a thread son. I think we all are.” I know he’s right.
“You are not alone in your grief. If you need to fall, I will catch you. I understand you don’t want to sit and have dinner. In all honesty, it’s the last thing I want to do. But if I can prolong that tsunami for a little while longer, then I will do. I will go and get you some food. You haven’t eaten all day, and you need something. I suspect your lungs are still burning a little after what happened earlier, so I think some soup would help. Okay, son?”
I just nod, hang my head, then shut the door. Waiting where I am, I don’t move as I listen to the slow thud of Arnold’s footsteps heading back to the house. I could see the turmoil in his face. He’s trying to hold it together, for Sonia and probably for me. What a shitstorm this is. I hear his footsteps coming back, and I still haven’t moved. I open the door just as he approaches. He hands me a tray with a bowl of soup and some bread.
The Best Day of My Life Page 14