“Thank you, Arnold, for everything. But tell me, who’s going to catch you when you fall? If you’re there to catch Sonia and me, then who the fuck is there to catch you?” I take the tray from him, step back, kick the door shut, turn and walk to the small kitchen area and put the tray down on the side. There’s no way I can eat this.
I’m on the bed, still dressed. I look at the clock. It’s 10.30 p.m. I didn’t touch the soup. I just crawled onto the bed and curled into a ball, rocking. I must have gone to sleep, and I do feel a bit hungry now. I’m also thirsty. I get up with a banging headache. I put the soup into the microwave to heat up, and I nibble on the bread while I wait. There’s a small fridge in here, and when I open it, I see bottles of water, but also some cans of Budweiser. That will do! I’m not a big beer drinker. I prefer wine. Evelyn loved wine, and it was what we always drank when we went out.
I look in the other cupboards, and I find bottles of spirits, all lined up just waiting for me: Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Vodka, Gin, Hennessey Whiskey, Fireball, just a whole lot of bottles. Hmm, maybe I could have a drink or two. I fancy trying this fireball. I grab a tall glass and fill it with the bright orange liquid. I take a sip. It’s not too bad, so I take some more sips. My soup is ready, and I eat it with the stale bread. When I’ve finished, I put the dishes in the sink, then sit on the bed with my glass of fireball. I finish it, then fill my glass up again. I decide to go and sit by the pool. I’m still in the same clothes. It’s freezing out, but the Fireball is making me warmer. Still, I grab a towel to wrap around me and sit on a lounger. It’s so quiet out here. I start to drift off to sleep again. I think it’s the drink. I feel all warm and fuzzy. I’m lightheaded. I feel kind of relaxed, strange but peaceful.
I wake with a start; the sun is shining in my eyes. I can’t open them much, it hurts — it’s too bright. My head is banging I feel like I’ve been in a boxing ring. Arnold is standing over me.
“Theon, you okay? Did you sleep out here all night, son?”
“Eh, guess I did, yeah. I managed to sleep, as well.”
“Must have been something to do with this?” he says, holding up the empty Fireball bottle. Shit, did I drink it all? No wonder my head is killing me.
“Maybe. Did I drink the bottle?”
“Looks like it, apart from what was left in the glass that you dropped.” I look down and see the glass on its side. Luckily, it’s not broken. I lean to pick it up.
“Shit, that hurts,” I say grabbing my head. Arnold disappears back to the house. I manage to turn on the lounger and just sit there with my elbows on my knees holding my head up. I think if I let go, it will fall off. I hear Arnold come back out of the house. I don’t look up. He stands in front of me.
“Here, son, take these.” I manage to look up a little and see he is holding out a glass of water and some painkillers. I take them from him, muttering, ‘thanks,’ and wash the tablets down with the full glass of water. So thirsty. I hear him chuckle to himself.
“It’s not funny. I feel like shit,” I say to him.
“Sonia is making some bacon and eggs. Do you think you could manage some and an orange juice?” I’m starving, so I nod.
“Do you want to come into the house, or would you prefer I bring it out to you?”
“I’ll come in. I’m gonna get a quick shower first though.”
“Ok, see you in a few minutes.” He walks back to the house, taking the glass with him as I head to the shower.
Ten minutes later, I’m entering the main house. I stop at the door. Sonia is just finishing plating the food. She turns to me, and I can see the strain on her face. One look is all it takes, and we both cry. Me, silently with the tears falling down my cheeks. Her, sobbing. She walks over to me and grabs me. We cling to each other, both feeling the devastation. She has her head in my chest, and I have my arms wrapped around her, leaning my chin on her head. We stand like that for what feels like ages. I hear Arnold come into the kitchen, and I look at him. He freezes.
“Tsunami,” is all he says, and I nod. Sonia turns slightly at the sound of his voice, and she runs over to him. She is full on heaving now, into his chest. He is holding her tightly and rubbing her back. He too is now crying. I walk over to them both, and all three of us stand there, hugging and crying, feeling the loss of Evelyn together. I know I’m not alone in this, and I’m grateful to have them. It doesn’t lessen the pain any though. My heart has been ripped out. I don’t think it will ever mend after this.
We pull apart, wiping our eyes, and Arnold grabs some tissues for us.
“Well I think that was the tidal wave and the tsunami is still to come.” He says to me patting my shoulder as he passes me.
“What are you talking about tsunamis for Arnold?” Sonia asks him, and I just look at them both. Sonia brings the filled plates over to the table, putting them down next to the jug of orange juice. I sit and start to eat. I don’t wait. I brace myself because I know Sonia is going to talk about the babies, which is one of the reasons I didn’t want to come in last night. She brings over coffee and cups then sits down. We all eat in silence until …
“Theon, the babies need to come home.” I drop my fork with a clang as it hits the plate, and I stare at her. I never gave any thought to them coming out of hospital.
“Theon, what’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? Is she for real? I’m still staring at her, trying to fathom out if she has any idea they killed Evelyn. I shake my head at the bewildered look on her face.
“Are you for real?” I ask her. She looks hurt and confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Home? Where and when?” I glare at her as I ask. They are not coming to me, that’s for fucking sure. No way. She recoils at the venom in my voice.
“Theon,” Arnold warns.
“Well, they need to leave hospital today. The doctors say they are both fit and healthy.”
I snort, stopping her from carrying on. Arnold grabs her hand and squeezes, I think possibly as a warning not to push me, but she carries on.
“They are fit and healthy and ready to come home. You can take them home to your house. You have the nursery set up there for them.”
“NO!” I shout at her, banging my hand on the table and making her and Arnold jump.
“Enough, Theon!” he growls at me and scowls.
“No, fucking way. They are not going to my house,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Then we’ll get some cots delivered here today, and they’ll stay here with us all.”
I stand up, quickly pushing my chair back, which then falls onto the tiled floor with a bang, making Sonia jump again.
“You can fucking have them,” I shout. “I’m outta here.”
I leave them and head for the guesthouse. It’s not even 10 a.m., but I don’t give a shit as I head straight for the cupboard and pull the first bottle I get my hands on. I pour a big glass of amber liquid, not caring what it is. I down the lot. It burns my throat, and I start to cough. I pour another glass.
I hear the door open. I don’t turn around. I know it’s Arnold coming to say his piece.
“Come on, get it over with. Give me the sermon,” I say.
He sighs.
I know, if I turn around, I will see disappointment written all over his face. I don’t need them judging me.
“Look, son. I know this is hard for you. It is for us all, But the babies need to be home; preferably with their daddy. We will help in any way we can, but Theon, you have got two little cherubs there that need you, son. They have lost one parent and —”
“NO!” I shout, swinging around with the glass in my hand. I down half of it. I’m starting to get a buzz. This is what I need to numb my feelings. This makes me forget the hurt. I take another swig, nearly finishing this glass.
“That’s not going to help you, son.” He nods to the glass in my hand.
“Yeah, actually it is,” I say finishing the rest and turning to refill the glass.
“Theon, we’ll bring the babies back here. Sonia is getting everything we need, and we will set them up in one of the rooms upstairs. Do you mind if I go to your house and bring back some things you’ve already bought?”
I shrug my shoulders.
“Knock yourself out. Do what you need to do.” I start to head to the bathroom.
“Wait, Theon. Will you come with us to bring them home?”
“NO!” I shout. “I’m going out.”
I storm off to the bathroom, hoping he gets the message and leaves. I hate being mean to Sonia and Arnold, but there is no way I can see the babies.
About an hour later, I’m at Santa Monica Pier. I have no idea what I’m doing here. We used to love coming here when we had some free time. We would walk on the pier, holding hands, swinging our arms like teenagers in love. So many memories — why am I torturing myself? We would walk under the pier. I remember one time we were chasing each other around the pier stilts when I caught her and wrestled her to the ground. We were in the water, but luckily it wasn’t too deep. We got into some heavy petting — it’s a good job Evelyn was the sensible one, or we may have been arrested for indecent exposure and lewd acts in a public place.
It’s going to be like this all the time. No matter where I go in LA, there are going to be so many reminders of Evelyn. We did everything together. Until Evelyn, I had never been anywhere. Grandma couldn’t afford it, so every experience I had outside of Mission Hills was with Evelyn. How am I going to get through this? Memories everywhere are going to kill me.
I call at a drug store and buy a bottle of Fireball. I sit under the pier alone, watching people mill around. Just to my right, I can see how crowded the beach is with kids playing with kites or digging holes in the sand. I see one family and the kids have buried a man in the sand — he’s probably their dad. The little girl is giggling hard because her daddy can’t get up and her brother, who looks older than her, just poured a bucket of water over his head. There is a woman lying on a towel next to them, she’s watching them all adoringly. The little girl runs to her mom and sits on her legs. The mom sits up and cuddles her, both of them laughing together while the dad makes funny spluttering noises. It makes me sad watching them. This family all having so much fun at the beach, knowing it’s something I will never have.
What the fuck is my life going to be like now? I unscrew the lid off my bottle, keeping it in
the brown paper bag it came in so no one can see what it is. I take a big gulp and almost choke at the burn in my throat. My coughing catches the attention of some young teenagers that are milling around. They move farther away from me. What must I look like?
Sometime later, I hear someone or something near me. I must have fallen asleep after finishing the bottle. It’s a dog sniffing around my head.
“Heyyy boyyy, wotcha doing,” I’m slurring my words. I feel good though. Happy almost. Who would have thought? It looks like it’s getting dark. Not the best place to be in the dark. I must have been here for hours. I start to move, and the dog runs away over to his owner. Looking around, the beach is almost empty now.
I think I should head back if I can, see if I can get a cab. I try to get up, then fall over. Oh shit, I’m drunk. Maybe if I can get to the road, I can find a bar or restaurant, some food would be good. I manage to get up again and stay up this time but on very wobbly legs. I make my way towards the beach, stumbling a few times, trying to dodge the holes in the sand under the pier and the rocks lying around. I find my way up onto the street. I’m stumbling so much that if I saw someone looking like this, I would steer clear of them and cross over. I head to a restaurant that I spot over the road, and I get beeped at by a car that almost runs into me or did I run into it? I don’t know. I just salute the driver, tapping the hood of the car. I walk into the restaurant, but the guy at the front stops me going in.
“I’m sorry, sir, do you have a reservation?”
“No, I’m hungry, though. I can pay,” I tell him, pulling out my wallet from my jeans pocket. He looks at me wearily. Maybe he thinks I stole the wallet. I pull out my driver’s license, so he can see it’s mine. He takes the card from me. He moves away and taps on his computer.
“Hey, wacha doing with my carrdd?” I slur.
“Mr. Tourney. Yes, I thought it was you, sir.”
“Huh, do you know who … do you know me?” I ask him.
“You have been in a few times with your lovely wife. How is she, sir? Will she be joining you tonight?” Fuck.
“No, no, not ever. She’s dead.” I see the shock on his face.
“I need a drink.”
“Sir, I am so sorry, please accept my condolences. If you don’t mind, may I take you to a room I have in the back to give you some privacy? I think it would be a good idea to have plenty of water with a good hearty steak. I can have that brought to you.”
What’s he saying?
“Don’t you want me in your fanshy restaurant? Am I not good enough?”
“Sir, of course you are. It’s just, well, you are a bit worse for wear if you don’t mind me saying, and I would like to help you. Is there anyone I could call for you? Maybe have someone come and take you home? It’s not safe being out on the streets after dark around here, sir, that is all.” I nod at him, and he helps me through to the back to what looks like an employee room. He gets me some water and then sits at the table with me.
“Sir, Mr. Tourney. May I ask when Mrs. Tourney passed?” I glare at him. When was it? It feels like it was a long time ago. I know it wasn’t. I think back, and I pinch the bridge of my nose. When was it? This morning, I had breakfast with Sonia and Arnold. Shit, it was yesterday.
“Yesterday,” I say. My mind is a bit foggy. Yesterday! Was that all it was? It’s only been a day. My life is shit, and it’s only been a day.
“Oh no, I am so terribly sorry, Mr. Tourney. Can I get you something to eat and maybe call someone to come and get you?”
“I’m starving, yes, please. I haven’t eaten since this morning. I have my phone here.” I fumble in my pocket for my phone. I drop it as I pull it out. He picks it up for me. He hands it back looking at my screen. It’s a picture of Evelyn and me. I can feel the tears running down my face. He stands and pats me on the shoulder.
“Let me get you something to eat. Then we can call someone to come and pick you up.”
“Thank you,” is all I can say.
I’m on my way home, to my house. I think I would rather stay there even with Evelyn all around me than go back to Sonia and Arnold’s with the babies screaming. The same babies that killed my wife. No, I can’t do it. I called a taxi from the restaurant. I tried to pay Stuart, the maître d, but he refused. I hugged him when I was leaving, thanking him for his generous hospitality, and for not throwing my drunken, dirty ass out on the street.
I get home to a dark, empty house. I look for what drink we have in. Neither of us really drank much, but we have plenty of wine. That will do. I take a couple of bottles upstairs with me. I can’t bring myself to stay in our room, not yet. It’s still all a mess from yesterday, so I go to one of the spare rooms with my bottles. I have a quick shower, put on my PJ bottoms, and lay on top of the bed.
I torture myself by looking at pictures of us from over the years. I have tears running down my face yet again. I’m going through the wine pretty quickly. I’m on my second bottle already. I really like the fuzzy feeling I’m getting. The numbness it brings is a relaxant. I fall asleep again, thinking of Evelyn. Putting what has happened, way back in my head for another day.
Present
EVELINA HAS BEEN in a coma for twelve days now. She’s had two doses of chemo. Dr. Cassidy said they will administer two treatments a week while she’s in a coma as long as her body can take it. That means she only has four shots left. I’m counting them down.
I haven’t left the hospital in two weeks — since we brought her in for her biopsy. I want to go out this afternoon, for my own sanity as much as anything. I want to go to
the toy store and get some things for Evelina. She has her beloved Stitch and her momma’s sea turtle next to her pillow, and I put them under her arms at night when we sleep, but I want to get her something nice and new. She will never replace the turtle, that belonged to her momma. It’s the one I gave her when I proposed, when Evelina was 2 she found it and it now sleeps with her every night. She cherishes that turtle, it’s the only piece of her momma she has. Sonia is here today, and Arnold is bringing Evander in after school.
“Sonia, are you okay if I go out for a little while?” She looks at me startled.
“You mean out, as in leave the hospital, out?” I laugh a little
“Yes, I mean leave the hospital out, if I can remember my way out. I feel like I’ve been here for years.” I laugh again and run my hand through my long hair. Which reminds me to pull out my band that Alana dropped in yesterday before they moved Caroline out of ICU and back down to her room.
I hadn’t seen her much with us both being at our daughters’ bedsides and only leaving for bathroom breaks, so I haven’t had a chance to make sure she is coping okay or as okay as can be under the circumstances and there was a small knock at the door as I was reading to Evelina.
“Come in,” I shout.
“Oh, hey, Theon, I hope you don’t mind me popping in. Caroline wanted me to give you this band that she had. She saw you walk past her room and commented on how long your hair had gotten. I had to laugh, with us having that conversation the other day.” She looks at Evelina. “How’s she doing?”
“She’s doing great. My little angel is just sleeping a lot.” I laugh and then nod to the door to indicate we move out of the room.
“Won’t be a minute, poppet, hold on for me.” I kiss her forehead and head out of the room, keeping the door ajar slightly.
“Sorry, I don’t like saying anything in front of her. I believe she can hear everything. She’s just the same. Nothing has changed. How’s Caroline doing?”
The Best Day of My Life Page 15