The Best Day of My Life

by Lynda Throsby

  “Theon, are you okay?” I can’t answer.

  “Theon, what’s wrong, son? Are you okay? Is it your head?” The guilt is killing me. I have all these things going on in my head. I feel like I’m going to explode. I need to tell him.

  “It was me as well, Arnold.”

  “What was you as well?”

  I look away then back to him. “I killed her. You said all that about protecting her, but I fucking killed her,” I shout at him.

  He stares at me a bit dumbfounded. “Theon, what are you talking about? You didn’t kill her.”

  “YES, I DID!” I scream at him.

  “It was my fault she died. I got her pregnant, Arnold. If she weren’t pregnant, she would still be alive. It was all my fault for getting her pregnant. I killed her. I’m so sorry. I didn’t protect her like I should have done — like I was supposed to do.”

  “You silly, silly man. You did not kill her. No one could have known what was going to happen. We don’t think of childbirth being a risk these days because millions of women give birth, but I was reading up about it and far more die from childbirth complications than I think anyone realizes. Childbirth is a risk for any woman. Evelyn just got unlucky. It wasn’t meant to be, Theon. You both got pregnant. It wasn’t one-sided, and neither of you could have predicted this happening. Theon, you cannot blame yourself. The world is full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’s’ but there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. If you hadn’t have got pregnant together, then there wouldn’t be the two tiny beautiful parts of you both back at my house. It doesn’t take away that we lost Evelyn, but she left them behind for us to look after, and to cherish and always let them not know who their momma was.”

  I know he’s right, deep down, I know it, but it’s something I have to come to terms with on my own. He will never know just how grateful for his support I am. I love him as though he was my own father.

  “Evelyn had the best parents in the world,” I mutter into him.

  We arrive at the coroner’s office a bit later than I wanted after my meltdown. I have my shades on to hide my bloodshot eyes. The receptionist checks our ID’s, then has us take a seat.

  “Mr. Tourney,” a voice calls, and I stand up and head to the man who is standing there in blue scrubs.

  “Hi, Mr. Tourney. I’m Dr. Daniels. Please follow me.”

  “Can my father in law come with us? I ask, beckoning Arnold to come with us, not giving Dr. Daniels a chance to answer.

  “Yes, of course.” We head through some doors and into an office.

  “Please take a seat.” We both sit in front of his desk.

  “Firstly, my sincerest apologies on your loss,” he says nodding to us both. I just nod at him, removing my shades. “We are now happy to release the body to your chosen funeral home. If you could please let them know they can collect Mrs. Tourney that would be most helpful. I will give you a release form with the coroner’s number on it that pertains to Mrs. Tourney. If you give the funeral home a copy of this, they can collect her.”

  “Oh, I don’t have a funeral home picked out yet. Do you have a list of good funeral homes I could see please?” He pulls out some leaflets of funeral homes, and Arnold takes them from him.

  “What happens now?”

  “I understand there is a lot to do and take in, Mr. Tourney and it’s the last thing you need during this time of grief. If you firstly find a funeral home they will help guide you through the procedure and alleviate as much as they can from you.”

  I nod at him taking the information he gives me, and thank him as we head out.

  “God, Arnold, there’s so much to do.”

  “Come on, let’s get in the car and make some calls. We may as well sort out what we can today. I need to phone Sonia and make sure she’s okay. She said she had a couple of friends going over to help her today.” We both make phone calls.

  We had talked about our funerals, we laughed because we thought it wouldn’t be for many years to come, we picked the songs we wanted playing, she wanted one of her favorite songs which was Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush with Don’t Give Up. I said I wanted something more upbeat like ZZ Top, Give me all your Lovin’, and we laughed about that. Then we both said we would like to donate any organs we had if it could help save someone’s life, we said we would both be too old and wrinkly by then as we had till infinity and beyond, so our organs may be too old to help anyone. How wrong we were, but Evelyn’s will be of no use now as she’s been gone for a few days.

  “I’ve found a funeral home near where we live, Theon and it looks beautiful. They can take Evelyn, and they asked if we could go in now to see them and make the arrangements. Are you up to that?”

  “Yes, sure, I’m on a roll. Don’t stop me now or I may never do it. It’s killing me but it’s keeping me from wallowing, I suppose. How’s Sonia?”

  “Her friends are over all cooing over the babies and helping her. I told her about the nannies you suggested. She wasn’t thrilled, but I think she understands it’s what we need. She’s asking for recommendations from her friends’ daughters who have nannies.”

  “Great, thank you.”

  We head to the funeral home, we both agree on a lovely cedar wood casket lined in white silk. I pick her favorite flowers — multi-colored lilies. I didn’t want just white. She was full of life, and she should have lots of color. I also told them the music to play. I give them the coroner’s details, so they can collect her when she’s ready.

  The next thing I need to do is buy a plot at the cemetery near our home. I’m in luck, they have a couple of plots left, so I pick quite a big one out. I figure I have two kids to think about now, it may as well be a family Tourney plot.

  On our way back home, I ask him to stop at the liquor store. He frowns at me.

  “Drink doesn’t solve anything, Theon. It only prolongs the situation. The more you bury it, the longer it takes to come to terms with it. You’re a grown man, and I can’t stop you, but please promise me you will be sensible about this.”

  “I know, but it helps me forget, and right now I need to forget everything. Please don’t lecture me on it, Arnold. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but please leave me alone on this one.” We stop off, and I buy a few bottles of Fireball. I don’t let him see in the bag as I put it in the trunk, but you can hear the bottles chinking as we drive home. He stops at the gate to let me out. I get out but lean in before shutting the door.

  “Thank you, Arnold, for everything. I couldn’t do this without you, and I know you’re suffering as much as I am. So, thank you.”

  “Anytime you need me, son, pick up the phone, no matter what time it is. If you need to talk or cry on my shoulder, you call me. Do you hear me, Theon?” I nod then close the door, get my bottles from the trunk and head to the empty, lonely house. With each step, I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier. Each step is getting harder and harder — it’s like my shoes are made from concrete. I come to a stop. I don’t want to go any farther, but I know I have to. I try again.

  I enter the silent house and head to the kitchen with my bottles. I make some pasta with tuna and take it to the cinema room. I want to watch my proposal and also the cartoon she did to tell me she was pregnant, with my bottle of Fireball for company. After the food, I pour a very large glass, recline my seat and watch the two shorts play over and over again on a loop. I drink myself into oblivion and wake up the next day with two empty Fireball bottles beside me. There is vomit all down me, and I peed myself, but I don’t care. It worked. I forgot it all, felt numb, and slept peacefully. And I did it all over again that day and the day after and the day after that.

  Present

  I COULDN’T SLEEP well last night. I kept thinking of Caroline, the poor kid, and also Alana and how she must be feeling. I need to speak to Dr. Cassidy just to make sure we can’t get her to the top of the list. She didn’t come to see me but then it’s not my daughter I’m asking about, and I didn’t see Alana again yesterday
after I left her. The problem is that time is running out for Caroline.

  I’m sitting with Evelina, hoping for a sign. Every morning, I wait, holding my breath to see if she moves a finger, a hand, or twitches an eye. Every morning is the same — nothing, and I turn away and let out the breath I hold and try not to show my disappointment. This morning is no different.

  A little while later, Sonia arrives. As usual, she has her bag full of snacks and her flask because she doesn’t want to leave Evelina’s side.

  “Good morning, Sonia. How are you today?”

  “Oh, the same, sweetie. How are you and my little angel here?”

  “The same, no change,” I say with a shrug and a sorrowful look on my face.

  “I have a feeling about today, Theon. I woke up with a start. Evelyn told me to get here and stay here. I know I sound like an old coot, but I swear it felt real.”

  I don’t say anything. I’m not building my hopes up. I’ve been asking Evelyn for weeks now and got nothing, so I gave up.

  “Do you mind if I go for my shower and some breakfast?”

  “No, not at all. I have everything I need in here.” She pats her big fabric bag.

  She reminds me of Mary Poppins with that bag. I chuckle, and she looks at me quizzically.

  “It’s your bag — you always remind me of Mary Poppins, it just made me laugh. Evelina loves that film, but she says Nanny McPhee is her favorite.” I bend down to kiss Sonia on the top of the head. “I also need to go and see Dr. Cassidy about Caroline and then speak to Alana. I’ll try not to be too long so I can get back. But if something does happen, please phone me.”

  “You know I will. You go now.”

  After my shower and breakfast, I head to Dr. Cassidy’s office. I knock and wait. She opens the door

  “Mr. Tourney, please come in. I was just on my way to see Mrs. Tudrow.”

  “Good morning, Doc. I just wanted to see if there was anything at all we can do for Caroline?”

  “No, Mr. Tourney, I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, and I’m holding onto hope that we can get a match. That is all we have, hope.”

  I rub my hand over my face. “I know, Doctor, and I’m sorry, I just feel helpless.”

  “I know Mr. Tourney. It’s so hard, we can only wait and see. I’m on my way to see Mrs. Tudrow. Do you want to come with me and we can tell her together, she may need your support?”

  “Yes, I was on my way to see her after here anyway.” We head out of her office to make our way up to ICU.

  “Still no change in Evelina this morning, Mr. Tourney?”

  “No Doctor, still the same. I just pray every day this will be the day she wakes up but nothing. I hold my breath every morning, the minute I wake up hoping she says, good morning, Daddy, but nothing. I’m not gonna lie, it’s scaring the shit out of me the longer it goes on.”

  “I’m sure she will wake up soon. I said you had a very brave and smart young lady there and I think the smart in her is showing.”

  I cock my eyebrow at her. “How so?”

  “Well, she knew before her surgery that she was going to get sick with the medicine that’s supposed to make her better. I think her brain told her not to wake up until it was over, so she didn’t feel the sickness.” She shrugs.

  “Just my theory and I’m sticking to it,” she says to me as we exit the elevator onto the ICU floor.

  “I’m just going to pop my head in to make sure Sonia is okay and make sure there is no change with Evelina. I will be right back.”

  “No worries, I want to do some checks on Caroline anyway. I won’t say anything until you come back about what we discussed.” I nod and head to Evelina’s room while she goes into Caroline’s room.

  “Hey, Sonia, how is my little poppet doing?”

  “Just the same, sweetie. How is Caroline doing?”

  “I’m just on my way in there now but wanted to check in here first. The doc said there is nothing we can do except hope a liver becomes available, so it’s just a waiting game. I can’t even imagine what’s going through Alana’s mind with all this. She must be on the edge of her seat, just waiting all the time. I hate seeing them like this, especially when she looked like she was getting better the other day.” I tell her the doc’s theory on Evelina as well, and she tends to agree. I head on over to Caroline’s room, knock and wait for the door to open. It’s the doctor.

  “Sorry, I was just finishing up my exams on Caroline. You can come in now if that’s okay with Mrs. Tudrow?” she says so Alana can hear.

  “Yes, please come in, Theon.” I walk in and over to Alana where she sits next to Caroline. Caroline is asleep, mildly sedated for the pain.

  I lean down and kiss Alana on the top of her head. “Hey, how are you today, baby?”

  She shrugs, not saying anything and just looks at Caroline. She reaches for my hand to hold, and I squeeze hers when she does to let her know I’m with her. I look at the doc and nod for her to speak. The doc explains to Alana what she told me. Alana has tears flowing down her cheeks. “I appreciate your honesty, Dr. Cassidy. What are the chances of getting a match in the next day?” I see the anguish on her face asking the question.

  “Honestly, Mrs. Tudrow, they are very slim, maybe about 3%. I’m really sorry.” Alana hangs her head down and puts it in both of her hands. I nod a thank you to the doctor and let her know I’ve got it from here. I pull Alana into my chest and let her cry. All I can do is hold her, I feel helpless yet again. I rub her back, whispering, trying to be encouraging, but not to give her false hope. We sit there for a while longer, not speaking until she looks at me.

  “Thank you, Theon. You will never know how much your support has meant to me.” She strokes my cheek, then leans in and kisses my lips. I can’t help it — I react. I know I shouldn’t, but she is so damn beautiful. I kiss her back, but I don’t let the kiss deepen, pulling back. She looks a little hurt, but I smile at her.

  “Baby, you have no idea what you do to me.” I look at Caroline. “This isn’t the time or the place. I’m here for you though, no matter what, okay?”

  She nods, looks down and traces the logo on my t-shirt. I lift her chin with a finger, to make her look me in the eyes.

  “This,” I motion between us, “this can wait. We have two poorly girls that need us right now. We can explore this later. Please don’t think it’s a brush off. I haven’t had feelings for anyone in the ten years since I lost Evelyn. Then here, in this godforsaken place, you hit me like a tsunami, and I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s not the right time or place, but we will have the time once the girls are better. Do you hear me, baby?” She nods then leans in to gently kiss my lips again.

  “Yes, Theon. I hear you, and I agree. I have never had feelings for anyone since I lost Gary. In fact,” she hangs her head so she’s not looking at me, “I have never even kissed anyone since I lost Gary. I’ve been too busy with three kids. They have been my life. It’s just been the four of us.” She shrugs then looks back into my eyes. “Until you came along. I have strong feelings for you, but I know I shouldn’t because my sole reason for being here is Caroline. Your friendship has knocked me for six. The chemistry I feel when you’re near me makes me feel like a teenager, so I do know in here —” she puts her hand over her heart and then over mine. “— I know that what I feel is real. You make my heart skip a beat when we are near. I know you are near because I sense you and I get butterflies every time you touch me. But you are right. We can explore this later.” She kisses my lips again. “When we can do this properly. Thank you for being the sensible one, Theon. My head is all over the place at the moment. I’m scared, petrified, lost, and powerless in this situation. Having you here to support me means the world to me, and I’m grateful every day that our paths crossed.” She leans her head on my shoulder, and I hug her tightly to me.

  “Me too, Alana, me too.”

  10 Years Earlier

  I DON’T KNOW what day it is, but I don’t care. I hear
my phone going somewhere in the house, but I can’t be bothered. The last time I checked it, I had several missed calls from Arnold and Sonia. I lift my head up to see exactly where I am — the living room. The last I remember, I was in the cinema room, not sure how I got here. I remember hearing banging, but I didn’t wake up and couldn’t tell you when it was. Then I heard my phone, which is what I think just woke me up.

  God my head hurts. I thud my head back on the couch and close my eyes, my head is banging, and that loud thudding is making it worse.

  “Theon, Theon, are you in there?” Shit, who is that? I try to get up, but it proves too difficult. The banging continues, louder now, closer. I lift my head and see a figure at the French doors that lead to the garden. Who the fuck is it? I look around, and the floor is a mess. Littered with empty bottles and pizza boxes.

  I edge off the couch and crawl to the French doors, knocking the rubbish out of my way as I go. Someone is trying to peer through the almost-closed curtains. I pull them back slightly to see my old friend and office manager, Patrick.

  “Oh, Theon. Thank god for that. No one has been able to get hold of you. Your house phone just kept going to answer machine, and your cell went to answer service. We have been worried sick about you.” He shouts through the glass. I close the curtain because the light is hurting my eyes. I manage to stand, using the chair at the side to lever myself up. I open the curtain again and unlock the door to let him in. I step to the side.

  “Fuck, Theon, have you had a party? Look at the state of this place, and it stinks in here.” He starts picking the shit up. Who asked him to come in here and start doing this? He works for me not the other way around.

  “Theon, are you all right? I have to say, and I know you’re my boss, but I hope you take this from a friend — you look like shit. You stink like a brewery, your clothes are filthy, you didn’t manage to make it to the bathroom, the house looks trashed, and no one has heard from you for over a week.” Great just what I fucking need to hear.