by TJ Fox
“We need to talk to you about some things, B.” I take his hand in both of mine. “The reason Dylan hasn’t been here is because he is sick. Very sick.”
He looks from me over to them for confirmation. After they both give him a nod, he turns back to me.
“He’s sick, kind of like your mom was sick.” Tears pool in his eyes. He remembers all too well.
“Is Dylan gonna die like mom?” His sweet voice cracks and trembles.
I hesitate. I want to offer some hope. Give him something to hold onto. But there is no changing the facts. Dylan is going to die. Soon. I swallow hard and force out the words I don’t want to speak.
“Yes, sweetie. He is.”
The tears are racing down his cheeks now. I want to stop there, but I know I can’t. There is no stopping this little boy’s world from breaking apart for the second time in his life. I hate this. I am so much angrier than I thought possible because no matter how hard I look, I just cannot find any justification for Dylan’s choice to not be here for these kids right now.
“He went away because he thinks it would be better if you,” I motion to Riff and Simone to include them, “don’t see him go through what your mom did.”
He is crying harder now. “When will he be back? I want Dylan.”
Dammit! He doesn’t understand. He’s only six. What the hell do you expect? I wonder if I should even tell him the rest. What does it do to hide that part from him? It impacts everything and raises more questions, but there are no answers. I glance over at Riff and Simone hoping for guidance, but they are just kids. This isn’t up to them, and it is unfair to think they should be the ones to decide.
“B, the police are looking for him, but… I don’t think Dylan is planning on coming back.”
“I want to go home. I want Dylan!” He is edging into full on sobs now. I run my hand over his head and try to calm him.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
“No! NO! I WANT TO GO HOME! I WANT DYLAN!” He is shaking his head back and forth, yelling and crying. Riff and Simone get up and move to him, hugging him and trying to calm him down. B’s sobs are making his words incoherent.
I hear the occasional “No!” or “Dylan”, but that is all I can make out through his cries. Simone looks at me, lost and not knowing how to make him better. I don’t know how to help her. We are both crying, and Riff looks like he is barely hanging by a thread. It’s probably only because his anger is stronger that he isn’t tipping over that edge.
Sadie comes in looking confused and worried. I hurry over and tell her about what happened. She’s obviously not happy, but she understands. Moving Riff out of the way, she leans in and tries to get B to calm down, reminding him of his stitches, but he doesn’t care. Pushing the call button, she asks for something, and a minute later another nurse comes in with a syringe. In no time, B’s sobs have faded to stuttering breaths and a few hiccups, then start to drop away as sleep finally claims him.
“I had to give him something to calm him down. He’s lucky he didn’t tear any of his stitches or break the seals on the glue.” She isn’t happy with me. “You should have come to me before you talked to him. At least I could have been better prepared. He wore himself out with that fit and will probably sleep for a little while. I expect he’ll still be upset after he wakes and remembers what you told him, but hopefully he will be able to stay calm.”
After taking a couple of readings on B, she heads to the door then turns to point at me, “You buzz me if he gets upset again. Don’t wait.” Then she is gone.
I collapse into a chair with my head in my hands, feeling like I’ve made a horrible mistake. The entire conversation runs through my head on a loop. I wish I’d held onto that last bit but know it won’t make a difference now.
Riff is pacing at the foot of the bed. “I need to get out of here for a while.” He looks over at Simone, then walks out of the room, not bothering to look my way or ask permission.
Simone sits back in the chair by the bed looking down at B. She looks so lost and frightened. “Is he going to be okay?” She looks to me like I can somehow fix this. As impossible as that is, she still hangs onto that sliver of hope that this isn’t her reality.
“Are any of you?” It comes out with more snap than intended. I sigh and look down.
Shaking my head, I look back at her, “Sorry. This didn’t do any physical damage. His body will heal just fine. His heart? I don’t know. It will take some time. Same as yours and Riff’s.”
Riff comes back about twenty minutes later. He looks a little calmer, but his anger still weighs him down. I wonder if he will always be angry now, if he has always been this way or if this is something new. I don’t know what other changes he’s going through, and it worries me.
No one says anything. What can we say that hasn’t been said already? I watch B sleep, but he doesn’t look restful. His forehead is scrunched. There is no way to tell if it’s physical pain or something emotional going on in his little head.
A new nurse comes in. She walks over to the whiteboard, erases Sadie’s name and writes “Jane” in its place. After checking on B, she makes a point of looking at her watch, then around the room at the three of us.
“Visiting hours are over at nine, so you have a little over an hour. Hospital policy only allows for parents or guardians to stay overnight.” She is addressing me.
“Excuse me?” The shortness in her words and her attitude rub me the wrong way. At the worst possible time.
She indicates Riff and Simone. “They will need to leave when visiting hours are over.”
I stand, walk over to her, point to the door and speak as calmly as possible, which isn’t all that calm. “May I speak with you outside, please?”
Not giving her much choice, I walk her into the hall. “Jane, right?” My hands are at my hips, and I’m leaning slightly forward. “Jane, maybe you were not made aware of the circumstances, but there is no way those kids are leaving that room tonight.”
She straightens her spine, and I know she isn’t even going to listen to what I say. “There is a note in his chart about a disturbance that occurred not even an hour ago. One that required medical intervention. We do not allow disruptions to patients that will inhibit healing.” Her words are clipped, loaded with self-righteousness, and she is looking down her nose at me as she finishes her speech.
Deep breath. She is just doing her job… not her fault. Eyes closed. Another deep breath, let it out. I open my eyes and look at her. “Get your supervisor. Now.” So much for the deep breaths. So not helping.
“I don’t believe that is necessary.” Crossing her arms and standing stiffly, she clearly thinks I’m just going to cave to her displeasure because she is the nurse.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Betty. It only rings twice before she picks up.
“This is Betty Knowles.”
I’m watching Jane as I speak. “Betty, this is Teri Griffin. There seems to be a problem with the staff letting the kids stay tonight. I’m hoping you could help me out.” Jane’s face loses a shade of color, but she has tilted her chin up and has a defiant look on her face.
“Tell me you’re joking. Did the previous shift not explain the situation? Never mind.” I hear shuffling in the background. “I’m just downstairs. I was going to come up to talk to you in a little while anyway. I’ll be up shortly.”
“Thank you, Betty.” I calmly put my phone back in my pocket.
Jane is either exceptionally obtuse or genuinely thinks she has the high ground here. Either way, she pushes. “Hospital policy is for the good of the patients. Betty will back me up on that.”
All the stress, frustration, confusion and anger that have been accumulating boils over, right out of my mouth.
“Do you even understand what you are telling me to do?” I point back in the direction of the room. “That incid
ent that you are so keen to point out as the reason to kick those kids out? It was because I had to rip that little boy’s world apart by telling him that his older brother, the closest thing to a parent he has after losing his mother just two years ago, is dying. And not just dying, but that he is choosing to do so alone! So, not only do I have to break that amazingly brave little boy’s heart by telling him his brother is dying, but also that he will never see him again. AND has to hear that from ME! A virtual stranger! A woman he met less than a DAY ago! And you?! You stand there quoting hospital policy to me and demand that I force the only two people in the ENTIRE world that matter to him to leave, so that he is completely and utterly alone?! Like hell I will! I will not! NOT! Let you, or anyone else for that matter, take them away from him! Over my cold, dead body! Not now! NOT…! EVER!”
Her face had gotten paler with each sentence. My voice had risen to the point I was shouting, and I was nearly out of breath by the time I finished yelling. I hadn’t noticed Betty and another woman approach. It wasn’t until I caught movement out of the corner of my eye that I realized that Riff and Simone had come to the door. They had watched me lose my shit in spectacular fashion because, not only had I been yelling, but my arms had been flailing all over the place. I’m pretty sure there were copious amounts of finger waving in front of Jane’s face as well.
The looks on their faces are a blend of shock and awe, and maybe even a little bit of fear. I hate that they had to see this. But I don’t regret it. There is no one else here to stand for them. I know what it feels like to be alone, and I refuse to let them feel even an ounce more of that than they already do.
Betty comes over, puts her hand on my arm and looks at Jane.
“There has obviously been a serious lack of communication here.” She glances to the other woman that I don’t recognize. Supervisor?
“These children have permission to stay. At my request. They will not be removed under any circumstances. Is that understood?” She looks between Jane and the supervisor.
The supervisor has a pained look on her face. “I apologize for this. I hadn’t yet had an opportunity to fully brief the night shift before rounds. There won’t be any more issues. Right, Jane?”
How can she still look like she just sucked on lemons? “No, ma’am.”
“I would like B to have another nurse, please. He’s been through enough already.” Jane did not like that at all. Tough shit. No one is going to be allowed near him without at least a kernel of compassion. Not if I can help it.
“That won’t be a problem, Ms. Griffin.” Jane is pulled off by her supervisor.
“Well, if I was worried about you being capable of doing what is right for those kids, I’m not anymore.” Betty turns to me and glances over my shoulder at Riff and Simone. “I think maybe they aren’t as worried now either.”
Smiling, she walks over to them to say “hi” and see how they are doing. I hear her say something to them, but I zone it out. Something shifted inside me during that confrontation. I feel just a little bit more certain about everything.
After another moment to let that feeling of certainty soak in, I join the three of them just as Riff and Simone are heading back into the room. Betty halts me as I get ready to follow.
“I wanted to speak with you for a few minutes and then sit down with you and the kids. I’ve been in contact with the police. They haven’t found Dylan, but they did manage to locate his car. He sold it to a car lot this morning. With this new information, I believe he is tying up loose ends so to speak. It isn’t uncommon behavior for someone who is suicidal.”
The adrenalin from the confrontation with Jane flees, along with some of that newfound comfort, leaving me exhausted.
“I thought we should talk about the next steps and what you want to do once B is discharged. You have a choice to make here. Take on the responsibility for them, at least until the legality issues are sorted, which appears to be what Dylan wanted, or let the state take them. I need to know, so I can make arrangements if you choose the latter. This is a huge decision, and you probably feel as though you haven’t been given much choice, but you do have one. You need decide what is best for you in this. Even if it means you need to walk away, that is okay. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care. No one will judge you for that choice. I understand how difficult this must be, being asked to upend your life this way is a lot to ask of anyone.”
After my talk with Jules earlier, there is no hesitation. “I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t talked with the lawyer yet, but plan to soon. Do I need to do that before we leave the hospital?”
“I’m glad to hear that. Even though you haven’t been around each other long, those children have made a connection with you. I think that, until we know more or something changes, that’s the best thing for them. As for the lawyer, you probably won’t be able to get a hold of them until tomorrow, and I don’t know what they will be willing to tell you over the phone. We’ll have to play that by ear for a bit. I am assuming you have spoken with all the children about what’s going on. Have you told them everything? I don’t want to inadvertently mention something they aren’t aware of yet.”
I shake my head no. “It was hard as hell to tell them, and I’m still not sure I did the right thing, but Simone and Riff know everything I do. B doesn’t know about the house or the job or even the guardianship thing, yet, but he knows the rest.”
“Alright. For now, I’d like to go talk with the kids and see what plans can be made for after you leave.”
She motions me into the room ahead of her. We pull the smaller chair over to the loveseat, giving a place for everyone to sit.
Betty folds her hands together, leans forward on her elbows and focuses her attention on Riff and Simone. “This is an incredibly difficult time for you. Are you holding up okay?”
Simone scooches closer to her brother on the seat. “Yeah. I guess.”
Riff shrugs.
“That’s understandable. You’ve had a lot thrown at you. With Dylan missing, I need to make sure that you have a safe place to be and that your needs are being met. That hasn’t been an issue here in the hospital, but B-Rad will most likely be released tomorrow. What are your thoughts about where you might stay?”
“We don’t know that, do we? Dylan canceled the lease on the house, right? Is going home even an option?” His words are tinged with anger, but he has brought up a point that I’d been thinking about.
Betty shrugs. “As long as the lease is still active, then you should technically be able to access the property, but only until it expires. I’m not certain staying there is the best choice, though that is only my opinion. One of my concerns is Dylan and his state of mind. His recent actions and choices seem to be irrational. It is my job to look at those kinds of things and how they might affect your safety. If you choose to go back to your house and he is there or returns while you are there, your safety may be at risk.”
“He would never hurt any of us!” Riff’s growl is barked out and loaded with anger.
The sound Simone makes is a blend of shock and grief. She puts her hand over her mouth to prevent more from coming out, as she looks towards the bed B is restlessly sleeping in.
“I know that is how you feel, and at any other time you would probably be right, but you have to understand that your brother is not himself right now. I can’t say if it’s a direct result of the tumor or because of the emotions brought on by knowing he’s dying. With his sickness, even if he were to return, he wouldn’t be able to care for you. I wish I didn’t have to say these things, but I have to consider your safety above all else. That is the law.”
“He would never hurt any of us,” Riff repeats, but this time his anger is muted. Maybe by the realization that Dylan has already hurt them.
Hoping to keep Riff and Simone from thinking too heavily about that, I try to redirect Betty. “Would it be okay for them to get in t
o pick up the things they need, though? They don’t have anything other than what is in this room.”
She sits back in her chair and tilts her head to the side in thought. “We can make arrangements to have you access the house. If someone already has keys, that would be easiest. If not, we can contact the landlord. Either way, we can get whatever they need. As for where they should stay, since you are their acting guardian, Teri, it is up to you.”
“What does that mean? Acting guardian?” Simone’s voice is a little raw and broken. She is struggling so hard not to cry.
“Because Dylan made his wishes clear in the paperwork he gave Teri, I’m allowing her to act as your guardian until we can get a little more clarity on the legal status of that guardianship.”
I take a deep breath and hope I’m taking the right step. “What do you think about staying with me? I have the space. It would be safe, and it would give B a place to rest while he heals.”
Simone is crying, and Riff still looks angry. “It’s not like Dylan left us any choice, is it?” He manages to grit that out.
“I’m so sorry. This situation…” I spread my hands in front of me “It sucks beyond belief, and I hate that you are having to live it. I can only work with what I have, but I promise to do everything I can to help you through this and do what is best for all of you. Think we can find a way to make it work? At least for now?”
They are both studying me closely but say nothing. I understand their hesitation, their frustration and fear. Their lives are being pulled apart at the seams. At least when their mom died, they had Dylan to lead them through it. This time, all they have is some chick he picked at random to dump them on while he ran away.
My own anger is starting to mirror Riff’s. I want to be able to let that anger out, but I can’t let them think it is directed at them, so I put a choke hold on it.
“We’ll try, Teri, but we just don’t know how to do any of this.” Wiping her tears, Simone reaches for a tissue.